The Shadow of Darkness

Gazing out the moonlit window, Usagi could not help be feel pensive. She was now moving through middle school, but still time could not pass quickly enoug'Here I go again' she thought to herself. Always thinking these dark and unwanted thoughts. This was why she would just stare at the moon whenever it was out, she had always felt as though she had a connection to it for some reason. It felt like home to her, to be gently caressed by its slivers of light. It was a comforting sensation, the soft touch that she always wished that she could find in all of her life.

She could not shake this feeling that something major was about to occur, which would make her life so far seem like a snore-fest. This would be quite an achievement when she considers her life thus far. Usagi wished that she could just be like her peers at school; innocent and unburdened….but that right had been taken away from her on that day…..

- Flashback -

My eyes slowly opened as I awoke. It seemed like it would be a nice day, because my parents were not shouting at each other. They would say things to each other I do not understand, but I know that it is mean things to say because of how the reply. I gave a massive yawn as I stretched and got out of bed.

As I opened my door, I could tell that something was wrong without even seeing or hearing anything. I looked towards the stairs and at the front door I see my dad talking with the police

"Usagi… go back to your room" Mom sighed. As she said this, the police and my dad noticed me so they went into the side room and closed the door. My mind goes black, and I completely freeze on the spot. I know that mom is saying something, but I do not pay any attention to her.

'What is going on here? Nothing bad is going to happen…right? My dad must have just seen a crime so they are asking him about it….It just can't be he is going to jail…' I frantically was thinking as I tried to process what was going on.

As I was frozen, the police re-emerged with my dad. They stood behind him and put handcuffs and took him away, as I watched. 'This just can't be…..Why dad? Why did you have do this? We were supposed to be able to be a family…' As I thought this I felt a tear cascade down my check, and then I started wailing. I don't remember anything, I was just numb and in shock and knew that my life would never be the same again. I wondered why my dad thought that he could leave me like that.

After that day my heart started to close, especially as I realized that my mother's attempts to comfort me were in no way sincere. It spelt the start of a very long and hard childhood. My dad was arrested on trumped up charges on my mother, and he was released. But he was bitter now; I used to be his little angel, but I became something that needed to be punished in his mind. He thought that it was my fault that he stayed with my mother and that what happened was my fault. Every time I am with him I wonder what I will have to physically endure, while with my mom I wonder if I will be able to eat or even If she will just have some restraint in what she says. I have been starved, beaten….and even…. raped.

"Daddy, it is really nice to see you again!" I exclaimed.

"Usagi, I need something from you. It is something your mother used to do for me. So I want you to do it now, since she won't and you will not say a word about it. Understood?" came the reply.

''Okay. What is it that I should do?"

"Just let me show you and keep it up, okay?

"Hai."

Suddenly his lips crashed down on to mine and his hands started moving up and down my body. I whimper and as I try to push myself free, but he slaps me.

"What did I tell you?! You will do as I say, bitch."

"But daddy…."

As he slaps me again and he says, "SHUT UP!"

His hands resume roaming my body, and he focuses his contact. My body feels very weird as I feel ashamed, weak and violated. I know that this is very wrong, but I just feel so ashamed I just cannot bring myself to try to stop him and I burst into tears.

With time, these episodes only got worse and worse. I just am to ashamed to ever say anything to anyone though, because it is just so wrong. Even though I know it is not my fault, I still feel as though I should be held responsible for it because of the fact I was violated and I feel as though I deserved it.

My brother, Shingo got no better whatsoever; but we are always there for each other, because we are the only ones that have each other's backs. He is the only person in the entire world that I still have any attachment for, because my heart has long since closed to other people. I never let even him see my weakness though, because I know that he needs me to be the support I never got when I was younger too. I need to be strong for both of us.

My experiences have shaped me and made me who I am today. As I gaze upon the night sky, I can't help but feel that it represents what is inside me: very little light, in the vast expanse of darkness. The light there is offers a soft and gentle embrace, which I desire more than anything else in this world. The soft embrace of love, from someone who can truly support me. When the dark claims someone, it does not just contact them, it consumes them whole. Somehow my darkness is my biggest pain and greatest redeemer. The thing that makes my suffering what is, but also offers release from it.

I look over at the clock, which read 1:13 AM, so I decided it would be best to get some sleep to try and be able to continue on tomorrow. Survive; that was my only goal for every day of my life. Little do I realize at this time tomorrow my life will have truly become a game to survive? But the fact that I don't know how to do anything else will do me a lot of good, as my life is about to get a whole lot different.