For this fanfiction, we will refer to the Potter Puppet Pals as normal, but the movie/book students will be referred to by their last names, and the professors by their first names. For example, movie/book Harry will be referred to as Potter, and movie/book Snape will be referred to as Severus. Also, we own some things, but not these things.
Harry Potter and the Perverted Puppets
PREVIOUSLY ON POTTER PUPPET PALS:
RON: Oh, we need to get back home to the Internet? Let me just take my laptop out.
HARRY: You've had that THIS WHOLE TIME?!
RON: Dumbly and I were watching internet porn. I can't believe you didn't notice it.
HERMIONE: Okay, everyone that belongs in the Internet, touch the webcam.
NEVILLE: But we didn't even visit the sexy cemetery, and there were no girls at old people camp!
TOPH: Just please touch the webcam and go home.
HARRY: But didn't our school get blown up by that strange bomb?
RON: Yeah, but the writers aren't too good at continuity, so it'll be back to normal when we get home, or as normal as our universe normally is.
*PUPPET GANG gets pulled into the webcam*
HARRY: YAY! No more crossovers!
HERMIONE: Harry, I don't think this is our universe. The people are more realistic than in the last one.
RON: And this ginger boy looks a lot like me, but he's smarter and less gay…
HARRY: I think I'm gonna like that Ron. BUT DAMN YOU FANFIC WRITERS!
PRESENTLY ON POTTER PUPPET PALS (yes, it's a new running gag for our drinking game. Why? Because fuck you. Btw, 3 drinks):
SNAPE: *banging his head against a 3D wall* NO! Why do the writers keep doing this to us?! Where's my funny candy when I need it most?
HERMIONE: Maybe you can ask your realistic counterpart for your illegal substances.
SNAPE: How do you know it's illegal?
HERMIONE: Maybe because all four ingredients are illegal?
RON: What I don't understand is why you used real world drugs to make funny candy when you can just use potions and things to get high.
SNAPE: Where do you think that those drugs came from? All mind-altering substances are magical compounds that leaked into the Muggle world, with a little expired gorilla milk for flavor.
HERMIONE: Remember children. Don't do drugs, because they're made with expired gorilla milk.
HARRY: And if you look to fanfictions for public service announcements, ignore that, because you're probably on drugs in the first place!
POTTER: *looking to GRANGER and R. WEASLY* What. The hell. Is this?
R. WEASLY: Maybe someone poured wizard juices on creepy puppets of us?
RON: Wizard juices are bodily fluids.
R. WEASLY: Bloody hell, they talk!
DUMBLEDORE: And we do other things! NAKED TIME!
GRANGER: This isn't like our Dumbledore at all.
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, he probably does naked time too, just in the comfort of his office.
POTTER: Well, thank god puppets don't have genitals.
HARRY: Oh, most of us do, his is just tiny.
R. WEASLY: Does this freak anyone else out, having conversations with ourselves?
HERMIONE: Wait a minute, this Ron knows words longer than two syllables! And he speaks in complete sentences! Why is our Ron such an idiot?
RON: Thank Hermione muffin!
R. WEASLY: Oh great, someone made puppet me a bumbling moron.
POTTER: Well, we've talked to spiders and werewolves before. I guess when magic's involved, puppets aren't that weird.
HARRY: Yeah, it's magic. So fuck you, logic!
GRANGER: What's that butternut squash?
NEVILLE: Can I have my ZILF now?
HARRY: This is Neville. He'll fuck anything, because nothing wants to fuck him.
NEVILLE: That's sadly accurate.
POTTER: Why is puppet me such a potty mouth? And why is Neville a perverted squash?
HARRY: Excuse me, but where are the bombs usually placed in this school? You know, the ones that Voldemort can't diffuse?
POTTER: What? Voldemort doesn't diffuse bombs! If anything, he would place them!
HARRY: But he's too incompetent to place bombs that wouldn't hurt him and his death eater buddies.
GRANGER: Incompetent? He's killed over 300 Muggles and countless wizards!
HARRY: But whenever he tries to kill us, all we have to do is say he's not relevant to the plot, and he runs away.
R. WEASLY: Can we trade bad guys?
HERMIONE: This is the second consecutive fanfiction where someone asked that. What's so wrong with your bad guys?
GRANGER: What I'm wondering is how a main villain can be irrelevant to the plot.
HARRY: The Potter Puppet universe is based around magical comedy and tom foolery.
NEVILLE: And depraved sexual humor.
*awkward silence*
HARRY: Shut up, Neville.
LONGBOTTOM: *enters hallway behind POTTER* But I didn't say anything.
R. WEASLY: We're talking to weird, perverted puppet versions of ourselves.
LONGBOTTOM: Did you have too much butterbeer?
HARRY: Holy shit! THAT'S NEVILLE?! I think I just turned gay for 30 seconds.
HERMIONE: He's way less vegetable-like than OUR Neville.
RON: Dumbly threesome Neville.
DUMBLEDORE: What? Ew.
RON: No, real Neville threesome.
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, yes please!
LONGBOTTOM: Is that one supposed to be Dumbledore? Why doesn't he have clothes on?
SEVERUS: *enters hallway* There will be no nudity in the hallway.
DUMBLEDORE: Awwww.
LONGBOTTOM: It's just puppet Dumbledore, and puppets don't have genitals, apparently.
SEVERUS: What is this nonsense?
LONGBOTTOM: There's puppet versions of ourselves, and you have one too!
SNAPE: Do you have any funny candy, because I need a lot of it.
SEVERUS: I don't believe in fun.
SNAPE: I think we'll get along perfectly.
HERMIONE: You know, it's really saying something when puppet Snape is the most like his real counterpart, considering puppet Snape partakes in hallucinogenic drugs.
NEVILLE: *holding up zebra porn and stolen granny panties* Who's least like his real counterpart?
HARRY: If you don't shut up and put that shit away, I'm gonna eat your head again.
POTTER: Why am I such a dick?
R. WEASLY: Yeah, you're barely a dick at all!
POTTER: Thanks, Ron.
RON: You're welcome!
DUMBLEDORE: Are there enough men in this universe to do our 11-way?
RON: DUMBLY!
DUMBLEDORE: Well, we have enough for a 6-way. I'm just reaching for the stars!
RON: But Dumbly, I don't want to be a skank!
R. WEASLY: Wait, who's participating in a 6-way? And is puppet me in a relationship with puppet Dumbledore?!
HARRY: Will this be a problem?
R. WEASLEY: There's all kinds of things wrong with that relationship!
RON: Then why does it feel so right?
GRANGER: How could it feel right?! He's elderly! And he's your headmaster! And you're a child!
DUMBLEDORE: But I'm a child mentally.
RON: And we're puppets, so all that taboo stuff doesn't really matter!
GRANGER: But this is so wrong!
DUMBLEDORE: You're just jealous of our steamy hot puppet sex.
RON: Where's the real version of Hermione? *to GRANGER* You look too much like a girl to be Hermione. All you need are some boobs and you'd be a real girl.
GRANGER: I do have boobs! And how does puppet me not look like a girl? She has hair and everything.
HARRY: Yeah, but she grows a beard. It's really gross.
HERMIONE: I mess up a spell one time, and it haunts me for the rest of my life. *Instantly grows beard*
RON: When did Hagrid get here?
HERMIONE: Does anyone have a razor?
DUMBLEDORE: You could have mine! I just got done shaving my naughty bits!
HERMIONE: Does anyone ELSE have a razor?
SNAPE: I use this one to shave my leg hair.
HERMIONE: But you don't even have legs.
SNAPE: No, I shaved the real me's leg hair.
SEVERUS: He taught me how to make funny candy.
HARRY: OH. MY. GOD. Double funny candy time!
POTTER: Is that really the plot to this fanfiction? A respected authority figure and his puppet counterpart get high on illegal substances? What's in that funny candy anyway?
SNAPE: Well, it's a mixture of crack, ecstasy, mu-
HARRY: NO TIME!
SNAPE: What are you doing that's so important that we can't educate FanFiction readers about potentially deadly substances?
GRANGER: DON'T BREAK THE FOURTH WALL!
RON: I think that if there was a literal fourth wall, it would have lots of holes in it from all the times we've raped it.
R. WEASLY: Did this one just say something smart? Faith in puppets restored.
DUMBLEDORE: OOH! Let's go find the real me and ask him to join in our 11-way!
RON: Good idea! But it should be a 6-way. *RON and DUMBLEDORE leave*
R. WEASLY: Aaaand it's gone.
HARRY: So, we gonna do double funny candy time or not?
SNAPE: Yeah, why not?
GRANGER: Because you're supposed to be setting a good example for the students!
SNAPE: Yeah, probably. But I like funny candy better.
SEVERUS: Everyone tear off their armpits so the snails have nowhere to hide!
SNAPE: YAY! More fun with shaving!
HERMIONE: Hey, not until I'm done with my beard!
HARRY: Snape, are you on funny candy?
SNAPE: Only a little.
HARRY: Well, get on more! Our not-puppet selves are boring me with their talk of plot, logic, and competent villains! And they haven't mentioned anything pornographic in the last 13 seconds.
SEVERUS: Hehehehe. Seconds sounds like sex.
SNAPE: Sexonds.
POTTER: What's in this funny candy to make them act weird?
HARRY: The stuff you should be on!
POTTER: Sorry our best-selling novels and movies aren't entertaining you.
HARRY: YOU SHOULD BE!
R. WEASLY: So what's in it?
SNAPE: Crack, ecstasy, mushrooms, I'm Harry's real dad, and crystallized –
HARRY: What?!
SNAPE: I sad crack, ecstasy, mushrooms, and crystallized LSD.
HARRY: I'm gonna go kill myself now.
HERMIONE: Wait! You don't have to kill yourself, there's the magic of DNA testing!
POTTER: But killing yourself is still an option…
HARRY: I can't kill myself! There's a chance I could still be awesome!
R. WEASLY: Are puppets flammable?
HERMIONE: That depends on the material they're made out of. Felt is, but –
HARRY: Now's not the time to be a smart bitch! Why would you give that information out?
R. WEASLY: Only one way to find out I guess.
HARRY: You can burn the other puppets. I must go find a magical DNA test. Men and Ron, you stay.
HERMIONE: Ron's not here.
HARRY: Men, stay.
NEVILLE: I never get invited on fun adventures.
*HARRY leaves, but returns within five minutes*
HARRY: I'm bored and don't know where to go. You come along. Even the real ones.
SNAPE: Can we snort-slash-otherwise ingest funny candy before we go?
HARRY: You already did. Why do you need to ask to do it again?
SNAPE: So is that a yes?
HARRY: YES!
R. WEASLY: Can I have some?
HARRY: The more intoxicated people the better. Let's all have some!
GRANGER: *to R. WEASLY* Do you even know what's in it?
R. WEASLY: Yeah. Crack, ecstasy, mushrooms and crystallized LSD.
GRANGER: That stuff could kill you!
R. WEASLY: As long as it gets me through these interactions with these puppets, I don't care!
HARRY: And no one's ever died from funny candy. It would be called hilarious candy if someone died.
NEVILLE: No, it would be sexy candy.
*awkward silence*
POTTER: If the perverted squash is coming, can I have some funny candy too?
GRANGER: HARRY!
POTTER: Fine, I won't do it.
HARRY: Nope, you already consented. Too late.
POTTER: You heard the man, Hermione. Now gimme the candy!
HARRY: *Everybody takes funny candy and R. Weasly forces Granger to take it* Yay! Stoned adventures! Now, does anyone know where I can find a facility that has DNA testing equipment?
SNAPE: It's in the lair of the fudge monster.
SEVERUS: What do we do about the babies?
R. WEASLY: Sell them for squirrel meat.
POTTER: But it's turducken season, we can't have squirrel meat.
HERMIONE: But squirrels like when you take their meat.
GRANGER: But turducken pepperoni is better than squirrel meat and can be used to build castles.
NEVILLE: Ron threesome Neville?
HARRY: I guess I should have asked them before I got them all stoned. Oh well, how dangerous could these halls be? *Walks past three petrified students, a basilisk fang, a troll, and Mrs. Norris as he takes funny candy*
MEANWHILE IN ALBUS' OFFICE
DUMBLEDORE: I can't wait to see me in glorious 3-d!
RON: I hope he's bigger than you.
DUMBLEDORE: What?
RON: Nothing!
*ALBUS ENTERS*
ALBUS: What do you want? I had my clothes on the entire time.
DUMBLEDORE: *Whispers to Ron* I told you.
RON: We were wondering if you wanted to participate in a 6-way with us and two other men.
DUMBLEDORE: Ron! A 6-way would require three more men!
RON: I'm not good with numbers.
DUMBLEDORE: Well, in that case, 11 is less than 6. *To Albus* Would you be interested in an 11-way?
ALBUS: *Silent while pushing Ron and Dumbledore out of his office*
DUMBLEDORE: I wonder if he's taking us to go scouting!
MEANWHILE IN THE HALLWAY
POTTER: Funny candy's so great! I feel like I could rape a mountain-top!
HERMIONE: Why are all mountain-tops white?
R. WEASLY: They must have killed all the black mountain-tops in the horrible race wars.
GRANGER: But what about Asian mountain-tops?
SEVERUS: They were killed by the fudge monster.
SNAPE: Weren't we supposed to do something… involving the fudge monster?
HARRY: No, we were supposed to get a donut test.
R. WEASLY: That's one test I could pass every time.
HERMIONE: Are donuts good with frog milk?
POTTER: Only when it's fresh frog milk.
NEVILLE: Pineapples taste like potatoes.
SNAPE: Do you think the fudge monster would give us donuts?
GRANGER: We could dip them in his head.
SEVERUS: But think about the Asian mountain-tops.
HARRY: Do Asian mountain-tops like Chinese food? And do they ever get weird fortune cookies?
HERMIONE: They all switched bodies. That's why they were so easy to kill.
HARRY: Déjà vu.
SEVERUS: Is Déjà Vu pretty?
SNAPE: Because I love her!111
SEVERUS: There must be other factors.
NEVILLE: YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!111
HARRY: Isn't that from something that's really bad?
GRANGER: It's worse than the fudge monster.
HERMIONE: And those racist white mountain-tops.
HARRY: Who gave them machine guns to begin with? If they didn't have guns, then the black mountain-tops would still be alive!
POTTER: I think you mean African-American mountain-tops.
R. WEASLY: We should rape the white mountain-tops.
SNAPE: But they like to be raped.
NEVILLE: *sobers up really fast* I thought I was the only one who liked that!
HARRY: I like turtles.
SEVERUS: No, you like tortoises.
GRANGER: But turtles are more awkward.
R. WEASLY: And they smell like roses.
SNAPE: But if you like turtles, what will the stapler toads eat?
HERMIONE: Stapler-toads like armpit snails. Get it right!
NEVILLE: There was no awkward silence when I said something distasteful!
HARRY: You taste good, Neville.
NEVILLE: But you're supposed to be offended!
GRANGER: You're not a fence.
NEVILLE: But…but…*spontaneously combusts*
POTTER: Whoa, how did he make those fireworks?
SNAPE: He made them with bug wings and spit.
HARRY: Damn it! Those were mine!
R. WEASLY: Our Harry does that too.
POTTER: But don't tell Flutterguy.
HARRY: No way, you guys like My Little Ponytown too?!
GRANGER: That's how we learned about the mountain-tops.
SEVERUS: 50 points from Slythenpuff.
R. WEASLY: Is that where the fudge monster lives?
HERMIONE: No, he's too scary to live there.
ALBUS: *Pushing RON and DUMBLEDORE* Are these your's?
SEVERUS: You don't have any.
RON: Hi, Harry!
HARRY: Hey, it's Ron and the other one! Did you find anyone to do your 11-way?
HERMIONE: How would an 11-way work, anyway?
R. WEASLY: Yeah, would they double team each-other or would it be like a human centipede of gay sex?
DUMBLEDORE: Well, actually-
ALBUS: I don't want to know the details! Just leave my school! And are the rest of you high on illicit drugs?!
POTTER: No, it's candy.
ALBUS: Fortunately, there's no rule against candy. Can I have some? Lemon-flavored, if you have it.
SEVERUS: It's not that kind of candy. *Stoned laughter*
ALBUS: Is that laughter coming from Severus?! Those must be illegal drugs! Fortunately, there's no rule against illegal drugs since we distribute drugs to the Muggle world, just in case we're spotted. May I partake?
HARRY: This Dumbledore's cool!
DUMBLEDORE: I'm cool! I could do funny candy!
RON: Dumbly, I think you've had enough.
DUMBLEDORE: No, I need to be cool like this Dumbledore! *Takes funny candy*
POTTER: *to SNAPE* How much of that did you make?
SNAPE: It's a magical bag that keeps refilling.
DUMBLEDORE: You've all disobeyed so many rules! Inter-dimensional travel is strictly prohibited!
HERMIONE: But the stapler-toads said we could.
HARRY: Yeah, the stapler-toads are higher up than you! They're our creator's pets!
DUMBLEDORE: You are very lucky that there's no rule against making and partaking in the use of illicit substances! But that's supposed to go into the Muggle world. That way, if somebody sees us, the authorities will just think they're on drugs!
SEVERUS: Muggles sound like puggles and those are cute dogs.
DUMBLEDORE: And shame on you Snapes, you're supposed to set a good example for your students!
POTTER: Boar hounds are better than puggles.
DUMBLEDORE: Ugh, you all need detox before I can get through to you.
HARRY: But none of our faces are sagging yet!
DUMBLEDORE: Snapes, you're suspended from teaching until you deal with your drug problems!
SNAPES: Finally!
ALBUS: Your too old and ur Alsymer's iz danjerous!1
SNAPE: Yeah, 10 points from your 10 toes.
POTTER: He only has 9 toes.
DUMBLEDORE: Joke's on you. I don't have any feet!
R. WEASLY: You don't need feet to have toes.
HERMIONE: He must have lost his feet in the horrible mountain wars.
DUMBLEDORE: What is this about mountain wars? I've had enough of your intoxicated foolery. *Raises wand*
RON: Abra Kadabra. *Everyone sobers up*
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, that actually did something useful for once.
RON: Yes, you look very sexy in the elf costume.
DUMBLEDORE: Dammit Ron!
RON: It's assless.
R. WEASLY: I'm gonna throw up!
SNAPE: I don't need to see this.
SEVERUS: Do you have any more illicit substances?
SNAPE: It's in my magic bag. *takes funny candy* It doesn't work! Dammit Ron!
HARRY: Yeah, way to ruin our stoned adventures, Ron.
NEVILLE: I'm back from the sexy dead.
*AWKWARD SILENCE*
NEVILLE: sighs It's good to be offensive again.
RON: But you're not a fence.
R. WEASLY: Again, why is puppet me such an idiot?
HARRY: Because you touch yourself at night!
R. WEASLY: So does Harry!
POTTER: That's supposed to be a secret between dorm-mates!
R. WEASLY: But what about the time you tried to-
POTTER: SHUT UP!
HARRY: Now these characters are entertaining! Tell us!
RON: Maybe real me is gay, after all!
R. WEASLY: I'll kill you, you little puppet! Besides, Harry's the one who-
POTTER: SHUT UP, RON!
HARRY: Oh, come on, you can tell yourself a secret, can't you?
POTTER: You and I are nothing alike.
RON: What's a grammar check?
GRANGER: Is puppet Ron still stoned?
HARRY: No, he's just stupid. *To POTTER* Anyway, tell us the secret!
POTTER: I'll take it to my grave!
NEVILLE: Ooooh!
*AWKWARD SILENCE*
HERMIONE: Well, if you won't tell us, there's one way to get it out of you! Snape, do you have the magical truth potion?
SNAPE: Fortunately, the ingredients in truth serum are the same as the ingredients in funny candy, just in different amounts. And there's more expired gorilla milk.
SEVERUS: Expired gorilla milk has no magical properties.
DUMBLEDORE: Oh contraire, Snape-i-doodle, it's done a wonder on me bowels!
SEVERUS: That was too much information. I don't need to know about your horrid bowel patterns.
HARRY: You know it! You can't un-know it!
SEVERUS: Somehow, I think I've found someone worse than our Mr. Potter.
POTTER: Umm, thanks?
HARRY: Hold him down to give him the truth serum!
POTTER: You're puppets! I can fight you all!
R. WEASLY: But somehow, the puppets are the same size as us.
HERMIONE: Whenever we enter another universe, we become the same size as the characters in that universe.
SEVERUS: I'll hold him. It would give me another way to humiliate him in class.
HARRY: Yeah, this Snape's cool.
POTTER: This has to violate some sort of rule!
RON: Maybe, you should try calling PETA. Maybe they could help.
POTTER: How would that help?
HARRY: Ignore him, this Ron's useless. Now drink the truth serum! *POTTER is held down and forced to drink truth serum.*
POTTER: One time, I humped Ron's teddy bear. I was practicing for Ginny!
R. WEASLY: Aww, I didn't need to know the last part!
GRANGER: You have a teddy bear?
HARRY: I don't know which is worse, the fact that Ron has a teddy bear, or the fact that real me humped it.
R. WEASLY: I got rid of him 2 years ago!
GRANGER: But you're 16.
RON: Humping a teddy bear's not so bad! I do the same thing with Harry's personal items.
HARRY: Disgusting! Hermione, what's that sanitation spell.
HERMIONE: There is no sanitation spell. You'll just have to burn your personal items.
GRANGER: There's a sanitation spell.
HERMIONE: Don't tell Harry. I want him to suffer.
NEVILLE: Speaking of burning, where's puppet Voldemort?
R. WEASLY: Don't say the name. He'll be able to find us!
HARRY: *sarcasm mode* Oooh, puppet Voldemort's gonna find us! I'm scared!
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, I chained him up in the dungeon for our 11-way!
*CUT TO HOGWARTS DUNGEON*
VOLDEMORT: *Shouting aimlessly while chained to a wall* Somebody…anybody…at least give me my wand so I can kill myself!
*BACK TO HOGWARTS HALLWAY*
HERMIONE: *To DUMBLEDORE* I thought Ron got you down to a 6-way.
RON: But 6 is more than 11.
GRANGER: Who told you that?
RON: Dumbly.
DUMBLEDORE: Yeah, uhh, in our universe 6 is more than 11.
HERMIONE: No, it's not.
DUMBLEDORE: And in our universe, uhhh, Hermione's also not good with numbers.
HARRY: Hey, Hermione's way smarter than me and even I know that 11 is more than 6!
RON: Dumbly, why'd you lie to me?
DUMBLEDORE: Did I say 11-way, I meant 6-way.
RON: Well, you're only having a 1-way tonight!
HARRY: Gay couples lie to each other, just like straight couples do.
R. WEASLY: Wouldn't a 1-way just be- Nevermind! Too much information!
DUMBLEDORE: My hand's too big for a 1-way!
R. WEASLY: No one needed to know that!
GRANGER: You asked the question about the 6-way.
R. WEASLY: But I was stoned! Speaking of which, we need to make more of that.
SNAPE: But its effects have been lost after Ron's abra cadabra spell!
RON: You're welcome!
HARRY: Maybe if we make a new batch, it'll work again.
SNAPE: Or Ron could just say 'Hocus Pocus.'
RON: Why would I want to do that? Then Dumbledore wouldn't be in his elf costume.
SNAPE: If you don't want to get strangled horribly, you'll reverse the spell.
RON: What does that word mean?
HERMIONE: Strangled?
RON: No, get.
R. WEASLY: WHY IS PUPPET ME SUCH AN IDIOT?!
HARRY: I don't know, but it's amusing most of the time.
RON: Besides I don't even know how to say 'Hocus Pocus.' *Funny candy becomes effective again and Dumbledore is naked*
DUMBLEDORE: Good Lord, someone's stolen my clothes!
RON: I like you better without clothes!
DUMBLEDORE: What are you talking about, Mr. Weasly, a relationship between a headmaster and an underage student would be highly inappropriate.
RON: But…but…nyuuuu!
ALBUS: *stoned* You know, I've always done something in my office that I like to call Naked Time.
DUMBLEDORE: The only time you should be naked is when you're in the shower or making love to a consenting adult.
HARRY: You're not a real time! And you know what I don't like, turtles!
GRANGER: I thought turtles were your friends.
HARRY: They were mean to me. They humped my teddy bear.
R. WEASLY: I think a turtle humped my teddy bear too.
POTTER: Yeah, that was definitely a turtle.
RON: Has anyone seen my magenta perfume?
SEVERUS: This purple tastes like an orange.
SNAPE: You taste like an orange.
HERMIONE: Orange rhymes with polka dot.
DUMBLEDORE: It seems that all of you have gotten even more intoxicated! How is that possible?
HARRY: And you have more of a stick up your ass!
LONGBOTTOM: *Enters hallway* Shouldn't you all be in class?
SNAPE: You're an ass!
*Real Voldemort enters*
REAL VOLDEMORT: You're all just sitting in a circle just waiting to die!
HARRY: *Sobers up* Oh, a competent villain, we'd better go! Ron, get out your laptop!
RON: But what will my laptop do?
HARRY: Just touch the screen, puppet pals!
HERMIONE: Buy friends, see you soon!
HARRY: Actually, we won't!
NEVILLE: Unless we go to a sexy cemetery!
*PUPPET PALS ALL TOUCH RON'S LAPTOP AND LEAVE 3-D HOGWARTS*
LONGBOTTOM: Harry, get up! You know who's here.
POTTER: Knock knock.
LONGBOTTOM: Once again, it's up to me to save the day. *Rips off shirt and reveals that he's ripped, holds the sword of Gryffindor and begins to fight Voldemort*
*BACK AT PUPPET HOGWARTS*
HARRY: That was close, we almost had a competent villain!
HERMIONE: Didn't we forget someone?
*3-D HOGWARTS DUNGEON*
VOLDEMORT: Can I at least have a sandwich or something?
REAL VOLDEMORT: *Enters dungeon* Damn that Longbottom, always foiling my evil plots!
VOLDEMORT: Yay! Could you unlock my chains?
*SOMETIME LATER*
VOLDEMORT: But we're the same! This isn't right!
*Reveal that REAL VOLDEMORT is roasting PUPPET VOLDEMORT over a fire*
BACK AT PUPPET HOGWARTS
HARRY: Oh well. He'll be back. Writers and continuity…
RON: What's cont-contin- that word?
HERMIONE: I don't think the writers know that word either.
VOLDEMORT: *Enters, while on fire* Why didn't you help?!
DUMBLEDORE: Once we extinguish those handsome flames, would you be interested in helping me out with a 1-way?
VOLDEMORT: On second thought, just let me burn but I'm taking you with me! Avada Ke-
RON: You don't need to burn Dumbledore. He's flaming already!
VOLDEMORT: Stop interrupting my murders!
HERMIONE: Go away, Voldemort, you're not relevant to the plot.
VOLDEMORT: That may have worked before but now that I've met up with competent villains, you're going to have to try a little harder than that!
HARRY: Please?
VOLDEMORT: Ok. Kill ya later!
NEVILLE: You don't have any!
THE END