Title: Okay
Summary: Ponyboy reflects on Johnny's death.
Authors Note: Slash. If you don't like it, bite me.
�� It was inevitable. You were hurt to the point of fatality, and it was only natural for your body to finally die. And I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay.
�� Every night, I lay awake, repeating those words in my head, over and over again.
�� But they aren't true. I know they aren't true.
�� Every night, while I convince myself that you were a good friend of mine, and that I'll find another friend like you someday, I can't help but to know for a fact that I'm lying to myself. You were my best friend. And I loved you.
�� While you were in the hospital, I assured myself, without the slightest question of a doubt, that if you were to die, I would die right along with you. That idea wasn't nearly as painstakingly horrific as the truth I met after you were gone: that there was a possibility I might not.
�� In fact, I would have much preferred it if you'd have taken me with you.
�� Don't you see? Don't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I was in love with you.
�� I am in love with you.
�� And the worst part is: I never told you any of that.
�� I never told you that I loved you. I never told you that you were the world to me. The way that fear and pain and hate couldn't stand up to your smile – the way that you thought about everything until you understood it – the way I could trust you – I was in love with you. I can't say that enough.
�� It feels like none of this should have ever happened.
�� Johnny, I only know one thing for sure.
�� I'm not going to be okay.
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