You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy, humble but you're greedy
Your style is quite selective but your mind is rather reckless
Well, I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is
Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
Cause I like being submerged in your contradictions, dear
'Cause here we are, here we are
-A Beautiful Mess by Jason Mraz
It was a nightmare, it must be because it's impossible that he's dead, it can't be. It just can't be.
Unfortunately, the nightmare was her reality, and it's tearing her apart ever so slowly, from her unresponsive body to her numbing mind to her shattering heart, she felt her life dissolving into nothingness consumed by grief and just agonizing loss. It's as if her existence was detached the same time the body before her was detached from this world.
He was her life source, something vital to her being and she was just too scared to admit it, so scared of her deep attachment to him, and she never got to say it to him just once. And now, she'll never will.
It crushes her to think of him in the past tense and she reminds herself that the past is the only way she'll ever remember him, no more living the now, no more planning for their future.
Because he's gone, like a pleasant dream that lulls you into a deep, deep slumber, never wishing for it to end, only to disappear from your memory the moment you're waking up realizing that it was all fictional, a figment of our subconscious desires.
And now she fears for her dreams that will be clouded by memories of him and she'll wake up in the absence of strong arms holding her so close to his being, of sweet morning greetings that will be coupled by kisses in between, of his presence that was ingrained to her life, of tears and pain to swallow her whole the moment she opens her eyes.
"Darcy, honey, we'll wait for you outside okay? You call us whenever... whenever you're ready." Jane's voice was so strained and so full of concern. Darcy felt her arms wrapping around behind her, soothingly rubbing her forearms. Darcy just stared blankly at the body on the bed but acknowledged Jane's comfort by squeezing her hand.
"We won't leave you behind, Darcy. All will be well." It was the softest tone that she has ever heard from the big lug who was Thor. She always assumed that he couldn't ever lower his thunderous voice that was sometimes funny and annoying (being the God of Thunder and all), and she felt a bit relieved from her heartache knowing both him and Jane are there for her when she needed them the most.
She reluctantly lifted her face to give Thor a shaky nod and he in return gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. Jane gave Darcy a kiss on the cheek and let Thor escort them towards the door leaving her all alone, and that's when she cracked.
"You idiot," she placed her hand on the spot where his heart lies, her voice croaking pathetically, "You selfish, stupid, worthless excuse for a man!" She banged her fist on his broad chest and for the first time it didn't ricochet. She kept pounding and pounding with her tears staining his shirt and blurring her vision, blurring him from her life.
"You made a promise! You said you'll never leave me alone! You said you're a man of honor! You said so many promises, so many..." she trailed off. Her brain was throbbing so hard she could hear it beating the insides of her skull, splitting it apart. She kept pounding her fists though like a child throwing a major hissy fit. A doctor would probably say that it's not advisable to beat a dead body especially considering its Captain America's body, the greatest soldier of all time, the first superhero in history, an icon for the masses.
Her lover, who's now dead and the greatest jerk of all time hoping they'll add that to his list of qualities and achievements being a specimen of perfection that was admired by many. And he captured her heart only to break it beyond repair.
Her body slumped on top of him, tired from her futile actions to revive him, she turned her head towards his face, so lifeless and void of that smile she loved so much about him. His smiles that were so young and full of possibilities for the both of them that kept her going through every obstacle she faces.
How will she get through this? How will she let him go?
She lifted her sore left arm to reach out and cradle his cheek, her thumb smoothing the dark circles under his eye. Her hand then went to his lips, so soft and kissable. Darcy moved until her hands were on either side of his face, her nose touching his, a gesture they so often do to relieve stress. With a shaky breath she gently placed her lips upon his. Even though cold and unresponsive she stayed that way for a while hoping that she's transferring some of her life energy to him and that when she ends their kiss and pulls her head back she'll see startling blue eyes twinkling mischievously making a comment about how she's taking advantage of the situation and that she's raping him, he was arrogant that way.
Like a fairy tale only the princess was doing the kissing to awaken her prince. Only, fairy tales are stories for the hopeless romantic, for people who wants to escape reality and find solace in things that doesn't exist, a way to makes us believe that a happily ever after exists. It builds up non-existent beliefs in relationships that aren't based on fairy tales. It's deceitful but we love it anyway.
And she was hoping to have a happily ever after with Steve, she was sure then that they will both have that elusive infinity of love and contentment.
She broke the kiss and stared in closed eyes. Wiping away the tears that stained his face, even in death he looks so beautiful and young and strong. She then surged with anger. He was Captain America for fuck's sake! He wasn't supposed to die! He's part of Earth's mightiest heroes! He saved the planet from the Nazi's, from HYDRA, from a hoard of aliens and a mythical Norse god! And all of that fighting and surviving defeated by a past sentiment for a friend? A friend who he thought he could save, who he hoped would have recognized him as his best friend. But he took the wrong gamble and he paid with his life.
She gritted her teeth painfully and just wrapped her arms around his body while hers was racked with harsh sobs and shouts of profanities aimed at him, not that he will hear any of it anyway.
"Steve, Steve, Steve," she chanted, voice hoarse from all the senseless shouting. Raking his blond, silky hair with her fingers she continued chanting his name like a prayer. "Steve, Steve, Steve."
The door opened but she heeded no notice, it was probably Jane or Thor telling her that they should go home. Dusk was starting to set and she frowned at it. She lost the sense of time the moment her world was turned upside down and that was hours ago when the sun was starting to peek from the clouds, dawn, her brain supplied. But she didn't care, but she knew that the time is nearing for her separation with Steve's body, only his body.
"Ms. Lewis, I'm sorry to say but we need to take care of the body, it has been too long now. We don't know when decomposition will start on Mr. Rogers' body knowing that the super soldier serum flowed though his veins and it may have altered his decaying process, but as you can see his body is growing darker. We need to... prepare him." The doctor's (who belonged to SHIELD of course) words fell on deaf ears because Darcy looked like a statue hell-bent on keeping Steve's body in her embrace.
When the doctor placed a hand on her shoulder, even though gentle, made her snap and smacked his hand with brute force. The doctor then stared at her with wide, disbelieving eyes, surprised by the sudden lash of violence and what was more surprising is that it came from Darcy. But he should've known that she was emotionally and mentally unstable right now, and he calls himself a doctor.
The doctor then immediately broke from his stupor and took a step forward to make grab for Darcy again which made her retaliate by pushing him more forcefully than she would've wanted. His hairy ass met the tiled floor that made him grunt loudly followed by a stifled whimper. Darcy felt guilt surge within her but it quickly disappeared when the doctor shouted for guards and nurses.
There were two guards and two nurses that came bursting from the door, they quickly assessed the scene and came straight towards Darcy and Steve. She latched herself onto Steve's body, desperate to revel on the feel of his body one last time. She stared intensely on his pale face, the lips she kissed over and over and that was the last thing she saw before the guards grabbed her and hauled her away.
"What are you doing?! Let me go, you bastards!" she tried to yell but all that was let out was a pathetic squeak and her voice cracking like an adolescent boy undergoing intense puberty development. The other guard was holding her torso while the other held her legs that were kicking aimlessly.
"Jane! Thor! Help me!" Where were they? Didn't they see the guards come in, the shouts that echoed through the hallways? Did they leave without her? The thought just dug deeper on the hole that was her heart. No, they wouldn't do that, they said they won't go without me. I trust them.
"Ms. Lewis, please calm down! We don't want to sedate you, calm down." How can she calm down when the doctor says that? That made her thrash more wildly her elbow meeting the ribs of the guard holding her torso but he didn't budge. She helplessly gazed at Steve, almost calling out his name but sadly realized that he won't be coming to her rescue anymore. She stretched her right arm, desperately reaching out to Steve's body but she can't feel any part of him with the guards restraining her.
"Sedate her, now." Said by the doctor, the nurse nodded like an obedient puppy getting out a syringe with golden liquid swishing inside. Darcy briefly stared at it then winced. She reached more fiercely for Steve. Almost there, almost there.
"Get that away from me! Get the hell away!" that was her last stand of defiance and felt her defeat flow through her body. The syringe was injected on her upper arm that made her slump onto the guards holding her, consciousness slipping away from her much faster than she anticipated. Her eyes rolled on the back of her head and she felt the sensation of being carried. She directed her head on the spot where Steve laid, she didn't even get to say goodbye.
"Steve, I love you. I love you so much." Darkness consumed her after that.
When Darcy started regaining her consciousness she fought to keep it away, to let her stay unconscious for as long as possible not wanting to face what awaits her when she opens her eyes.
She could feel the familiar satin sheets of her bed and pillows and of a hand grasping hers.
She tilted her head to her left side and opened her eyes curiosity burning inside her that needed quenching. Jane was there at the edge of her bed sleeping with a troubled look on her face, her arms were folded that was used as an improvised pillow. She didn't know how long Jane's been there or where she has been when she was being hauled and sedated by the SHIELD brutes. She should be angry for letting that happen to her but frankly, she was just grateful to see her now, holding her like she's her daughter or something,
Squeezing Jane's hand unconsciously rustled her awake. Jane rubbed her eyes and her sleepy gaze fell on Darcy's crying face. Jane quickly stood on her seat that made her joints pop, her form loomed over Darcy smoothing her hair away from her forehead and planted a kiss there.
"I'm so sorry, Darcy. Thor and I were taking out some dinner for the three of us and we didn't know that the doctor was making rounds and I'm... so sorry." Blabbering was something Jane never did, she was always so sure of what she has to say, full of confidence and grace. But she was a spluttering mess in giving an apology that Darcy took pity on her and tapped her hand with the other hand out of her grasp and forgave her. She couldn't find the strength to retort back and bicker with her like she usually does when Jane's so unnerved.
She was so hollow and just so, so tired.
"Jane, I would really want to have some alone time right now. But thank you, for staying with me 'till I wake up. I really appreciate it." She gave her a small smile that was a little forced. Jane wasn't entirely happy about that and a brief expression of sadness passed on her features but she smiled at her and hugged her.
"Okay, sure. But I'm not going to let you starve yourself. I'm going to put some food on your nightstand okay?" Darcy gratefully nodded at this and patted Jane's back. She then watched her retreat from her bed and back to the arms of Thor who was patiently waiting outside her door. He flashed a smile at her and then closed the door softly, leaving her once again alone and bubbling with envy.
The room felt too constricting, like it was closing up on her with every breath she takes. She starts to claw her throat feeling the shortness of breath, her heart pounding too fast, her surroundings and her body spasms making her dizzy and lightheaded.
She was hyperventilating. Oh, god.
Darcy kicked the sheets out of her body and rose from the bed, she tried to calm her breath but the walls felt like it was sucking it out of her like a vacuum. She gritted her teeth and staggered towards the door. The need to flee the confines of her room devours her thoughts and that's what she did. Ignoring the panicked gazes of Thor and Jane, she fled their shared house and out into the pouring rain.
Even though she was clothed with a thick sweater, jeans, and boots, the rain brutally penetrated her layers of clothing and drenching her almost immediately, the cold air prickling exposed skin like needles that almost pained her. She contemplated getting an umbrella but Jane was already at the door shouting at her to get back inside the house with Thor pulling her back, wary to let his precious Jane get wet by the rain.
Ignoring her pleas she ran trusting her legs to take her somewhere far away and hoped that she won't fall flat on her face. Tears mingled with rain and it was getting more dangerous to run considering the pavements are slick and she can't see from her hazy vision. Running wasn't helping her hyperventilation problem but it kept it at bay somehow. She didn't trust her mind to think because she knew that it will only come back to him. And she can't do handle that right now.
The feeling of being stared at was evident, honestly who wouldn't? A girl is running in the pouring rain around New York with no destination in mind. They must think she's a troubled teenager addict having withdrawal problems or something, stereotyping never ends in New York.
But she couldn't run anymore so she slowed her pace and halted. She bent her knees and placed her hands on them, head hung low, panting hard and fast. The rain wasn't showing her any mercy either. She finally lifted her eyes to find out where she is.
Central Park, of all places.
For the first time since she moved here the place was absent of any sign of life except hers. She felt utterly alone, scared, and sick, caved in by tall trees and of darkness descending. The urge to call Steve sent a pang of hurt through her whole body making her footing stagger. The mere thought of him weakens her and fears if this will be the case whenever she thinks of him. She doesn't want to forget him, she can't, but she doesn't want to hurt so much either.
"This is how you left me, Steve, in the rain, with no one, with the thoughts of you haunting me." She whispered. Directing her head upwards she casted a look on the gray skies, of the rain failing to wash away her despair. She cried with the rain and was rooted on her place. But then how much can she take of this torture?
The blackening vision and the buckling of her knees hinted the unmistakable sensation that she was fainting.
And she fainted in the arms of someone unknown to her.
A hard knock was heard from the door and Jane rushed forward instantly with Thor in tow. She let Darcy ran away, she let her go and the feeling of uselessness crushed her. The moment her grip was firm on the knob she flung the door open, the worried look on her face replaced by pure bewilderment and shock.
Jane immediately looked at Thor, his mouth gaping open, waiting for a response to this unexpected situation. She's holding his arm realizing that this is real and not an illusion of the man who was standing on their front porch, and before she could stop it a tremor of undulated fear crept up to her.
Snapping out of his trance, he addressed the man who once tried to enslave New York, threatened the stability of the Nine Realms, and who is his little brother.
"Loki?" he sputtered, still disbelieving on what he's seeing.
"I believe this mortal belongs to your household."