In response to Kantayra's
challenge #3. Details after story.
"And here we are – in the Summers home,
AKA – command central." I lower my voice, we learned about that in art
class. It adds drama. "To the left here, we see Buffy, the
slayer. Kind of like in star wars when –" I pause. I can
distinctly remember that art teacher telling us it was bad to go off
topic. "I walk up to her quietly, like a tiger stalking it's –" Can Buffy
be prey? No, slayers can't be prey. "I walk up to her quietly, like
a tiger stalking a slayer." There. Betteer.
"So, as I was saying, here we are at the Summers house, where the slayer is
eating that thing that makes slayers strong." A mental note: Must ask to
try some of her raison brand. "At her side, the always faithful, innocent
looking witch. But you know, she's not really innocent. Actually,
she tried to kill me a few times, oh and she tried to end the world too. And
she's a lesbian."
"Pan over to the subject of her affections, a potential whose name is
Senedy. Or Kennedy. So Senedy/Kennedy is now leaning over Willow,
trying to hide what she's doing." I try to angle the camera to the left,
wanting to see what's so interesting on the front of Willow's shirt.
"Maybe they're plotting world destruction down there," I whisper into the
camera. If I catch it on film their dirty secrets will be revealed,
and I, Andrew, will be Buffy's right hand girl. Man."
Using the skills I learned when I was evil I casually walk up in front of
Willow and lean against the counter, secretly pressing the button that turns
the camera on.
"My dear viewers, you are now going to learn the secret of the world
destruction being planned on Willow's shirt," I whisper, slowly turning the
camera to her. "Hey, that's not fair! They're groping, not planning
world destruction!"
In my disappointment I yell that out, blushing when everyone gives me a strange
look. Or in the case of Spike, the resident vam-pyre, a strange
growl. A Kind of dark and mysterious, coming up from his stomach type of
growl.
"How long are you going to poke that thing at us, Andrew?" Buffy, the
slayer of vam-pyres asks as she surrenders a piece of her waffle to the one
standing next to her, all the while glaring at me.
"Oh let him have it," Spike, also known as William the Bloody, says.
"It'll keep him busy, and stop the endless star wars references."
I gasp, aiming the camera at myself.
"And, my dear viewers, it seems that a miracle has occurred. Spike, the
killer of all things has defended me! Maybe he's a kindred spirit, kind
of like in Xena, where Gabrielle is like her soulmate."
My new kindred spirit growls at me again, snapping the camera out of my hands
and handing it to Buffy. He's just trying to hide how alike we are.
Buffy puts the camera on the table, and after a minute I grab it again, going
off into the hallway.
"Even though he may try to deny it, I know the truth," I tell my viewers.
"When you think about it, we're so alike. We've both been evil, although
of course," I pause, giving a modest laugh. "Old Spike couldn't even in
his evilest dreams imagine the evil things I've done. And now, we're both
on the road of redemption, seeking to forever hide the crimes of our
pasts!"
There's a knock on the bathroom door, where I've hidden myself. It opens,
and there is Xander, part of the Scooby Gang.
"Xander," I say grandly, not rising from my comfortable and elegant seat on the
toilet. "You have come to tell the dear viewers about your place in the
Scooby Gang."
He looks nervous, eyes darting around the bathroom as he shifts his weight.
"I have? And here I thought I just needed to pee."
Oh. Not nervous, just in need of relieving himself.
"Andrew get out of there," calls Buffy's voice from the kitchen, and I follow
the supreme leader of all things on earth. Or in this house. There,
beside her, stands Spike, my kindred spirit. I immediately attach myself
to him – he'll protect me.
He's still trying to maintain the appearance of hatred between us, edging
further away from me and closer to Buffy, but I am not fooled.
"So Spike, would you like to tell us about your evil days," I ask, hoping to
spark a conversation on a topic we both have so much sad history with.
The camera is pointed at his face.
"Yeah, I'd love to," he says, moving closer to the camera. I beam.
"When I was evil, I went around and snapped the neck of any git with a camera
who annoyed me. Want a demonstration?"
If possible, I beam brighter. He's willing to demonstrate!
"No that's okay, but we could always swap ideas of evil things to do!" I tell
him brightly.
My soulmate rolls his eyes, looking pleadingly around the kitchen. I
think he wants them to leave so he can be alone with me, so I lean against the
counter, imitating his sexy and dangerous stance. Then, I casually place my
hand over his, in an imitation of the handshake the kindred spirits do in Star Wars.
He yelps, jumping away from me and to the other corner of the kitchen.
Willow seems to have finally stopped groping her girlfriend, and grins slyly at
Spike.
"Anything you want to tell us?" She says.
Buffy looks furiously first at Willow, then at Spike. Then she glowers at
me. What did I do?
"Not on your bloody life!" He's still in denial. "That's it, I'm
never being nice again!"
Buffy grins, coming up and patting Spike on his very muscular shoulder.
"The nice rules don't apply to house hostages," she tells him brightly and he
smiles back at her.
"Hey! Hands off my soulmate!"
They both roll their eyes, attempting to make it look like Spike isn't the only
one for me. I march over to them, grabbing Spike's hand.
"I don't know, Spike." Willow says. "Maybe you two would look cute
together!"
He looks absolutely terrified of anyone thinking two evil beings such as
ourselves would look cute, and wretches his hand away from my own, moving yet
again to the opposite side of the kitchen.
"Ha! It's not so funny when you're on the receiving end of all the
homoerotic comments, now, is it?"
That was Xander, who a few days ago was thinking of going gay when his
mysterious date turned to be some evil being who wanted to kill him.
Spike and Xander share an understanding look over the top of my head. Now
Xander's trying to take my soulmate too! I try to move closer to claim
his attention but he darts behind Buffy, grinning sheepishly.
"Okay, here's the plan for the day," she says. "Spike, you and me should
go try to find more of those wacky seal things. Xander, grab Anya and go
look for any places where a thousand or so uber-vamps might be hiding.
Willow and Kennedy, could you two try to get all these potentials into
shape? Like, show them basic training skills and stuff."
They all nod, moving to do as their leader requested.
"Hey, what about me?" I whine. "I want to help Spike, soulmates keep each
other safe!"
"Andrew, you go and heat up some blood for Spike, he should drink something
before going out. We'll wait in the hallway"
"Right!" I say, happily going into the basement to get the packets of
blood. I put them in the microwave, making sure my soulmate gets the
exact right temperature.
"Okay, I'm ready!" I call out, heading to the hallway where my kindred spirit
is waiting for me.
I see an open door, and two figures quickly disappearing behind one of the
houses on Revello.
I sigh – he's still trying to run from the truth.
Requirements:
Setting: S7, any time during the period when Spike and
Andrew are both at Buffy's house.
Pairing: None...well, maybe Andrew fantasizing about
Andrew/Spike.
Length: Short ficlet.
Basic Plot Elements:
Just a funny short story where
Andrew's *ahem* interest in Spike becomes obvious to the vamp, and Spike
naturally gets freaked out. I want typical goofy Andrew-ness, and getting Spike
to hide from him is an extra plus. Bonus points for having Xander tell Spike:
"Ha! It's not so funny when you're on the receiving end of all the
homoerotic comments, now, is it?" I don't want actual slash here; just
plenty of wacky humor