The matrix gone insane!!!!!!!!!!
Summary: Rewritten scenes from "The Matrix", starring Agent Smith!! Don't ask where this came from; we've seen the movie way too many times. Rated PG 13 for mild language and situations. Please R&R!!!
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Matrix or any of the characters; I'm just having fun with them!
This story starts from Morpheus' interrogation..
Agent Smith: Have you ever just stood and stared at it? Blah blah, it's beauty, its genius? The first Matrix was designed blah blah...
Morpheus: AHHH! Just shut up, will you???!
A.S.: ..entire crops were lost, blah blah blah. Watch me try to crack your head like a walnut!
Morpheus: Whew! Smith, Listerine, Aisle 4! Somebody kill me now!!!! This guy never shuts up, does he?
Agent Brown: Nope, he just likes the sound of his own voice. We've tried shutting him up, but he won't listen.
Agent Jones: I have an idea. Hey Smith, how about I tell everybody about that "Priscilla" movie where you were wearing a dress? And makeup? And high heels?
A.S: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You promised!!!
Morpheus: Ewww! I can't get the image of Hugo Weaving in a dress out of my head!! Kill me!!! Shoot me now, I don't care!! Wait a minute-makeup AND heels?! Arrgh!
A.S: Can we get back to the script now??!!
A.B: I think the insider is dead. He's got a contract to be in the TV show "The Sopranos", so he won't be around any more....
A.J: Really? Cool! Showtime or HBO?
A.S: How the crap should I know? I wasn't offered a part in the show, although the chick who plays Persephone in the next movie does...
A.J: Maybe they don't need an Australian in the show, although an Aussie gangster living in Jersey would be neat!
A.S: You jerk, I CAN do an American accent, you know!! What do you think I've been doing for this entire movie??!!
Morpheus: A crappy imitation?
All agents: Shut up! You're not part of this!!
A.B: Where's the truth serum??! Someone get the serum already, this guy is starting to bug me!!
A.J: I'll inject him and give him a really creepy look while I'm doing it!
Morpheus: Groan!
On board the Neb:
Trinity: Load us up, Tank!
Tank: What do you need?
Neo: Really tight leather clothes for her cuz she looks hot in them, and a really cool trenchcoat for me!
Tank: No, you moron! What GUNS do you need?
Neo: Lots, dude. And don't forget we're Canadian, eh? And we don't use guns in Canada, just hockey sticks!
Trinity: That's right, eh? We'll need the instruction manuals too!
Tank: Thank God I get killed off before the sequel, or I might strangle these two!!
(Neo and Trinity enter the lobby)
Guard 1: Please remove any metallic items you may be carrying...
(Neo opens his coat and shows him all the plastic guns that he could fit under his coat)
Neo: Like this?
Guard 1: Holy shit!!
Neo: Let's shoot all the foam off this fake pillars, Trin!
Guard 2 reading newspaper: (gets shot) Gaspacho soup!! (then dies)
Guard 3: Huh?
Stagehand: Dude, that's from a TV show called "Red Dwarf" which the author doesn't own the rights too, either, so don't sue her!
Guard 4: Backup! Send everybody left in the building to the lobby now, so they can die a violent and bloody death! (dies)
Dispatch: Say again...all after "lobby now", I couldn't hear you over the gunshots!!
(Reinforcements arrive)
Commando 1: Freeze!
Neo+Trinity: F**K YOU!! (then dive for cover)
(Mass gun battle ensues)
Neo: I'm moving in slow motion and you still can't hit me!! Nah Nah! Let's show off some special effects by my wire fighting team! See me do a cartwheel for no reason at all, and grab a gun off the floor, even though I still have 15 guns strapped to my body!!
Audience: Cool!
(Neo + Trinity kill all the commandos and get into the elevator and detonate the bomb)
Audience watching the fire start: Cool! How come the pillars are OK and not filled with bullet holes all of a sudden?
(Meanwhile upstairs..)
(Sprinkler system is activated)
A.J: Bzzzt! Bzzt!
A.S: You dumbass, you can't short circuit-we're NOT robots!
A.B: I'm melting, I'm melting!
A.S: No you're not! It's just water!
A.B: (trying not to cry) But my suit is all wet!
A.J: Yeah, and you look really hot with your clothes sticking to you! (winks suggestively at Agent Brown)
A.S: Arrgh! I told the Mainframe that these two need girlfriends, but would they listen? Nooo..Now see what I have to put up with!!
A.J: OK, so I'm gay, but at least I NEVER wore a dress!!
A.S: I'm gonna kill you, Jones!
Morpheus: Ahh, my ears!! I'm gonna need some serious therapy to get the idea of Jones and Brown getting it on and Smith in a dress out of my head!!!!
(Upstairs on rooftop, Neo + Trinity fight more military guys and Trinity throws a knife into Military Dude #10's eye)
Audience: Eww!
Neo: That's disgusting!
Trinity: Did you want him to kill you?!
Neo: No, I wanted to kung-fu him to death!!
Trinity: Idiot. Why I have sex with you in the next movie, I do not know!!
(Agent Brown shows up)
Neo: Trinity, help!
Trinity: Sorry, dude. You're on your own!
(Neo shoots at Agent Brown, missing him with every bullet)
A.B: You really suck at aiming! Did you see me doing some really cool "Agent dodging bullets" moves?
Neo: I can do that, too! Look at me do a cartwheel-thing move with my arms, and watch my really cool coat go flying backwards!
(Trinity puts gun to Agent Brown's head)
Trinity: Dodge this, you dick-in-a-really-ugly-brown-suit!
A.B: It's black, you hot-looking-leather-wearing-biker chick! (dies)
(Agents hear helicopter approaching and look out of the window)
Neo: Hi, it's me!
A.S: No!
Neo: No, dude, really it's me!
(Neo shoots the hell out of the office and the agents Brown +Jones hide in another room, crying, because their suits are wet)
(Smith holds his ground and fires at the helicopter, gets shot and dies)
Audience: Yay! He's dead!
A.S: No, I'm not! I have a contract to be in the next two Matrix movies! I just have to morph into Swat Member #5!
(Smith cracks his knuckles in a threatening manner in the other room)
A.S: Watch me use this kick-ass gun go shoot right through this wall and hit Morpheus' in the leg as he tries to get in the chopper, then I shoot the fuel line and cause the chopper to crash!
Agents Brown + Jones: Wish we could do that!
(Agents go to rooftop in perfectly dry black suits.)
A.B: Hey, didn't our suits used to be brown?
A.J: You doofus! Our suits are brown when we are inside and green when we are outside!
A.B: So why are they now black?
A.S: We look more dangerous in black, and the chicks really think we're hot in black and wearing shades!
(Morpheus, Neo and Trinity go to the subway station)
A.S: Cool! I get to morph into a homeless dude and get cooties!
(He morphs in homeless dude #1)
Morpheus: Even though I got shot in the leg I can walk perfectly! Think the audience will notice?
Neo: Not until the movie comes out on VHS and DVD!
(Morpheus + Trinity leave into the phone)
A.S: Mr. Anndersson!
Neo: Ahh! Talk faster!!
A.S: It seems lliikke yoou'vvee bbbeeeen liivviinng ttwwoo lliivveess..
Neo: We did this scene already, you dumbass!
A.S: Give me a script! (reads it) OK, you're right!
(Smith cracks his knuckles again)
(Even though they are only 20 feet apart, they still can't hit each other)
A.S: You're empty!
Neo: So are you! Hey Smith, is it really true you wore a dress in a movie?
A.S: No, you dillhole! That was Hugo Weaving!
Neo: You dickhead! You ARE Hugo Weaving with a really fake American accent!
(Smith throws his plastic gun away)
Bob the sound guy: Oww! Watch where you throw the props! They are really expensive!
Neo: So that's how we bankrupt 2 special effects companies while making "Reloaded" and "Revolutions"!
A.S: Watch me crack my neck!
Neo: Hey, dude, how come you're all bulked up all of a sudden?
A.S: I'm wearing padding so I don't get hurt when you start kicking me in the chest!
(They start fighting and Neo kicks Smith in the face)
A.S: You broke my glasses! You bastard!! Your ass is mine!
Neo: Sorry, Smith, but I'm not gay! I have to get it on with Trinity in the second movie...(drools)
A.S: Yeah, she's really hot! (drools too)
Bob the sound guy: Hey, guys! We have a movie to make, here! Get back to the script!
A.S: OK. Now, I'm going to drag you and put you in front of a subway train!
(holds Neo down while waiting for the train)
A.S: And stop bleeding on my suit!
(Neo gets out of Smith's grip)
Neo: Watch me do a backflip!
A.S: No, wait-stop! (goes splat as train runs him over)
(Train screeches to a halt and Smith gets out)
A.S: Look at me! I have a clean, black suit, a new pair of shades and a fully loaded plastic Desert Eagle pistol!
Neo: Yikes! (runs up the stairs)
(Agents Brown + Jones show up and start shooting watermelons in the fruit stand)
Audience: Nooooo! Not the watermelons! Anything but the watermelons!!
Girl: You're not my daddy!! Waah!
Guy on phone: He took my phone!
Neo: Get me out of here!
Tank: OK, now we have to have a really pointless chase scene until Smith kills you!
Neo: No way, dude! I'm in the other Matrix movies, how can I die?
Tank: You come back to life in a really gross way. Trinity has to passionately kiss your dead body!
Neo: Most excellent!
(Smith kills Neo outside Room 303 and leaves him there)
(Neo gets up after Jones sees if he's still alive and freaks out Smith)
A.S: How can you be alive??! Let's all shoot you so the Washowski brothers can show off their special effects with bullets floating in mid-air!
Neo: Whoa! Cool!!
A.S: SNARL! I'm gonna kill you...again! You know about my wearing a dress in that "Priscilla" movie! I can't let you live! Plus, I want to kung-fu you to death since I'm out of ammo for my plastic Desert Eagle!
Neo: Hey, pal, I kicked your ass before and now that I've come into my "The One" powers, I'm gonna break your arm and kick you across the room with the help of my wire fighting team!
A.S: Grr! That's the 3rd set of sunglasses I've had broken in the movie!!
(Neo destroys Smith and makes the hall wobble in a cool way)
A.B: OK, when he looks up, I run to the left and you run to the right!
A.J: 3,2,1-GO! (they run away)
Neo on board the Neb: The sentinels are dead-most excellent! Now I can fly!
(THE END)
Summary: Rewritten scenes from "The Matrix", starring Agent Smith!! Don't ask where this came from; we've seen the movie way too many times. Rated PG 13 for mild language and situations. Please R&R!!!
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Matrix or any of the characters; I'm just having fun with them!
This story starts from Morpheus' interrogation..
Agent Smith: Have you ever just stood and stared at it? Blah blah, it's beauty, its genius? The first Matrix was designed blah blah...
Morpheus: AHHH! Just shut up, will you???!
A.S.: ..entire crops were lost, blah blah blah. Watch me try to crack your head like a walnut!
Morpheus: Whew! Smith, Listerine, Aisle 4! Somebody kill me now!!!! This guy never shuts up, does he?
Agent Brown: Nope, he just likes the sound of his own voice. We've tried shutting him up, but he won't listen.
Agent Jones: I have an idea. Hey Smith, how about I tell everybody about that "Priscilla" movie where you were wearing a dress? And makeup? And high heels?
A.S: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You promised!!!
Morpheus: Ewww! I can't get the image of Hugo Weaving in a dress out of my head!! Kill me!!! Shoot me now, I don't care!! Wait a minute-makeup AND heels?! Arrgh!
A.S: Can we get back to the script now??!!
A.B: I think the insider is dead. He's got a contract to be in the TV show "The Sopranos", so he won't be around any more....
A.J: Really? Cool! Showtime or HBO?
A.S: How the crap should I know? I wasn't offered a part in the show, although the chick who plays Persephone in the next movie does...
A.J: Maybe they don't need an Australian in the show, although an Aussie gangster living in Jersey would be neat!
A.S: You jerk, I CAN do an American accent, you know!! What do you think I've been doing for this entire movie??!!
Morpheus: A crappy imitation?
All agents: Shut up! You're not part of this!!
A.B: Where's the truth serum??! Someone get the serum already, this guy is starting to bug me!!
A.J: I'll inject him and give him a really creepy look while I'm doing it!
Morpheus: Groan!
On board the Neb:
Trinity: Load us up, Tank!
Tank: What do you need?
Neo: Really tight leather clothes for her cuz she looks hot in them, and a really cool trenchcoat for me!
Tank: No, you moron! What GUNS do you need?
Neo: Lots, dude. And don't forget we're Canadian, eh? And we don't use guns in Canada, just hockey sticks!
Trinity: That's right, eh? We'll need the instruction manuals too!
Tank: Thank God I get killed off before the sequel, or I might strangle these two!!
(Neo and Trinity enter the lobby)
Guard 1: Please remove any metallic items you may be carrying...
(Neo opens his coat and shows him all the plastic guns that he could fit under his coat)
Neo: Like this?
Guard 1: Holy shit!!
Neo: Let's shoot all the foam off this fake pillars, Trin!
Guard 2 reading newspaper: (gets shot) Gaspacho soup!! (then dies)
Guard 3: Huh?
Stagehand: Dude, that's from a TV show called "Red Dwarf" which the author doesn't own the rights too, either, so don't sue her!
Guard 4: Backup! Send everybody left in the building to the lobby now, so they can die a violent and bloody death! (dies)
Dispatch: Say again...all after "lobby now", I couldn't hear you over the gunshots!!
(Reinforcements arrive)
Commando 1: Freeze!
Neo+Trinity: F**K YOU!! (then dive for cover)
(Mass gun battle ensues)
Neo: I'm moving in slow motion and you still can't hit me!! Nah Nah! Let's show off some special effects by my wire fighting team! See me do a cartwheel for no reason at all, and grab a gun off the floor, even though I still have 15 guns strapped to my body!!
Audience: Cool!
(Neo + Trinity kill all the commandos and get into the elevator and detonate the bomb)
Audience watching the fire start: Cool! How come the pillars are OK and not filled with bullet holes all of a sudden?
(Meanwhile upstairs..)
(Sprinkler system is activated)
A.J: Bzzzt! Bzzt!
A.S: You dumbass, you can't short circuit-we're NOT robots!
A.B: I'm melting, I'm melting!
A.S: No you're not! It's just water!
A.B: (trying not to cry) But my suit is all wet!
A.J: Yeah, and you look really hot with your clothes sticking to you! (winks suggestively at Agent Brown)
A.S: Arrgh! I told the Mainframe that these two need girlfriends, but would they listen? Nooo..Now see what I have to put up with!!
A.J: OK, so I'm gay, but at least I NEVER wore a dress!!
A.S: I'm gonna kill you, Jones!
Morpheus: Ahh, my ears!! I'm gonna need some serious therapy to get the idea of Jones and Brown getting it on and Smith in a dress out of my head!!!!
(Upstairs on rooftop, Neo + Trinity fight more military guys and Trinity throws a knife into Military Dude #10's eye)
Audience: Eww!
Neo: That's disgusting!
Trinity: Did you want him to kill you?!
Neo: No, I wanted to kung-fu him to death!!
Trinity: Idiot. Why I have sex with you in the next movie, I do not know!!
(Agent Brown shows up)
Neo: Trinity, help!
Trinity: Sorry, dude. You're on your own!
(Neo shoots at Agent Brown, missing him with every bullet)
A.B: You really suck at aiming! Did you see me doing some really cool "Agent dodging bullets" moves?
Neo: I can do that, too! Look at me do a cartwheel-thing move with my arms, and watch my really cool coat go flying backwards!
(Trinity puts gun to Agent Brown's head)
Trinity: Dodge this, you dick-in-a-really-ugly-brown-suit!
A.B: It's black, you hot-looking-leather-wearing-biker chick! (dies)
(Agents hear helicopter approaching and look out of the window)
Neo: Hi, it's me!
A.S: No!
Neo: No, dude, really it's me!
(Neo shoots the hell out of the office and the agents Brown +Jones hide in another room, crying, because their suits are wet)
(Smith holds his ground and fires at the helicopter, gets shot and dies)
Audience: Yay! He's dead!
A.S: No, I'm not! I have a contract to be in the next two Matrix movies! I just have to morph into Swat Member #5!
(Smith cracks his knuckles in a threatening manner in the other room)
A.S: Watch me use this kick-ass gun go shoot right through this wall and hit Morpheus' in the leg as he tries to get in the chopper, then I shoot the fuel line and cause the chopper to crash!
Agents Brown + Jones: Wish we could do that!
(Agents go to rooftop in perfectly dry black suits.)
A.B: Hey, didn't our suits used to be brown?
A.J: You doofus! Our suits are brown when we are inside and green when we are outside!
A.B: So why are they now black?
A.S: We look more dangerous in black, and the chicks really think we're hot in black and wearing shades!
(Morpheus, Neo and Trinity go to the subway station)
A.S: Cool! I get to morph into a homeless dude and get cooties!
(He morphs in homeless dude #1)
Morpheus: Even though I got shot in the leg I can walk perfectly! Think the audience will notice?
Neo: Not until the movie comes out on VHS and DVD!
(Morpheus + Trinity leave into the phone)
A.S: Mr. Anndersson!
Neo: Ahh! Talk faster!!
A.S: It seems lliikke yoou'vvee bbbeeeen liivviinng ttwwoo lliivveess..
Neo: We did this scene already, you dumbass!
A.S: Give me a script! (reads it) OK, you're right!
(Smith cracks his knuckles again)
(Even though they are only 20 feet apart, they still can't hit each other)
A.S: You're empty!
Neo: So are you! Hey Smith, is it really true you wore a dress in a movie?
A.S: No, you dillhole! That was Hugo Weaving!
Neo: You dickhead! You ARE Hugo Weaving with a really fake American accent!
(Smith throws his plastic gun away)
Bob the sound guy: Oww! Watch where you throw the props! They are really expensive!
Neo: So that's how we bankrupt 2 special effects companies while making "Reloaded" and "Revolutions"!
A.S: Watch me crack my neck!
Neo: Hey, dude, how come you're all bulked up all of a sudden?
A.S: I'm wearing padding so I don't get hurt when you start kicking me in the chest!
(They start fighting and Neo kicks Smith in the face)
A.S: You broke my glasses! You bastard!! Your ass is mine!
Neo: Sorry, Smith, but I'm not gay! I have to get it on with Trinity in the second movie...(drools)
A.S: Yeah, she's really hot! (drools too)
Bob the sound guy: Hey, guys! We have a movie to make, here! Get back to the script!
A.S: OK. Now, I'm going to drag you and put you in front of a subway train!
(holds Neo down while waiting for the train)
A.S: And stop bleeding on my suit!
(Neo gets out of Smith's grip)
Neo: Watch me do a backflip!
A.S: No, wait-stop! (goes splat as train runs him over)
(Train screeches to a halt and Smith gets out)
A.S: Look at me! I have a clean, black suit, a new pair of shades and a fully loaded plastic Desert Eagle pistol!
Neo: Yikes! (runs up the stairs)
(Agents Brown + Jones show up and start shooting watermelons in the fruit stand)
Audience: Nooooo! Not the watermelons! Anything but the watermelons!!
Girl: You're not my daddy!! Waah!
Guy on phone: He took my phone!
Neo: Get me out of here!
Tank: OK, now we have to have a really pointless chase scene until Smith kills you!
Neo: No way, dude! I'm in the other Matrix movies, how can I die?
Tank: You come back to life in a really gross way. Trinity has to passionately kiss your dead body!
Neo: Most excellent!
(Smith kills Neo outside Room 303 and leaves him there)
(Neo gets up after Jones sees if he's still alive and freaks out Smith)
A.S: How can you be alive??! Let's all shoot you so the Washowski brothers can show off their special effects with bullets floating in mid-air!
Neo: Whoa! Cool!!
A.S: SNARL! I'm gonna kill you...again! You know about my wearing a dress in that "Priscilla" movie! I can't let you live! Plus, I want to kung-fu you to death since I'm out of ammo for my plastic Desert Eagle!
Neo: Hey, pal, I kicked your ass before and now that I've come into my "The One" powers, I'm gonna break your arm and kick you across the room with the help of my wire fighting team!
A.S: Grr! That's the 3rd set of sunglasses I've had broken in the movie!!
(Neo destroys Smith and makes the hall wobble in a cool way)
A.B: OK, when he looks up, I run to the left and you run to the right!
A.J: 3,2,1-GO! (they run away)
Neo on board the Neb: The sentinels are dead-most excellent! Now I can fly!
(THE END)