It was a month after the Teen Titans had disbanded, and I was just supposed to settle back into my life at Gotham. How was I expected to just forget that I had been the leader of my own team at such a young age? How was I supposed to just go back to taking orders from Batman, and liking it? How was I supposed to go back to being Richard John Grayson during the day and Gotham Robin at night?
Believe it or not, Gotham Robin and Jump City Robin were not the same. Gotham Robin is Batman's sidekick. He listens to orders, and follows them without question. He only has an opinion when asked for one, and he doesn't speak out of turn…ever. He's a good little fighter, and pretends to be something he's not in order for their "partnership" to work. In essence, he is a fake.
Jump City Robin, on the other hand, was a leader. He gave orders, and others followed. He was part of a team. He had friends. He had a reason to do what he did beyond a simple promise that he made when he was a child. He was only ever himself. The mask was him. He didn't have to be one person during daylight hours and another at night. He was the me that I like, the me that meant something, in fact he was the true me; and I fear I may never have that again. I fear I may never be able to be me…the real me, ever again. I know I can't as long as I stay in Gotham …as long as I stay with Batman.
Can I really be expected to live the life I had before the Titans without missing the freedom I had? Alfred can tell I'm slightly off. He doesn't say anything of course, but I can tell with every look he gives me when he thinks I'm not paying attention. Bruce just keeps telling me I need to get back to my "real" training, meaning the training that revolves around him and only him.
He never did like the whole team aspect of the Titans. It was probably because he didn't like having to depend on anyone but himself. The fact that I had five people to depend on and work with most likely made him uneasy. Batman always said he didn't like having me in Jump City when Gotham needed me, but I knew what the truth was. In actuality, Bruce hated not having someone there to pull him out of his brooding. I'm happy to be that person. Really I am, but at the same rate, I have a life to live too.
I tried to bring that up to him once. We were training at the time, and after I had mentioned it, there was a rather nice punch to my ribs. He claims I turned into it, and that's why it hurt more than usual. I'm sorry, but do I look like the kind of person that would turn into a punch? Not that I'm accusing him of doing it on purpose, or anything.
Anyway, yesterday, he told me I should start thinking about school. I didn't tell him I already had, just like I didn't tell him that I had thought about out of state schools. Hell, out of state, I thought about out of the country. Australia seems like it wouldn't be so bad. I wanted to talk to him about it. Really I did, but he kept getting this 'you need more training' attitude. So, instead of talking to him about it, I used some of the moves on the punching bag that I learned while with the Titans. Needless to say, he didn't approve. I would talk to Alfred about it, but he would just tell me to talk to Bruce, which isn't exactly an option right now.
What now? Every time I act like a good Gotham Robin, I feel like I'm betraying the Jump City Robin; and if I don't act like a good Gotham Robin, I just get more training. People weren't meant to have two sides. I mean look at Harvey Dent. Clearly, it just doesn't work well. Not to mention that being Richard Grayson and Robin was a hard enough task before Robin suddenly had two different personalities. The more I think about it, the more I realize I'm a therapist's dream. I'm not a psycho killer, but I clearly have a very messed up head.
I could leave. I could go to a different city where I could be me, but I can't even talk to him. How do I tell him you're a great guy, but I can't be here anymore--for my own sanity? I could leave without telling him. Yeah, if I wanted the entire superhero community looking for me, that is. Again, I would love to get Alfred's thoughts on this, but talking to him seems to go even worse than talking to Bruce. It always ends with him telling me I just need more sleep, or something.
I mean I get it. I do. To them, I'm still the kid that left because I wasn't getting what I needed at home. I don't know how to get them to see that in the time I had spent in Jump City, I had grown up. I'm not a little kid anymore. I dealt with things that rival, if not surpass, what Gotham dishes out. Not to mention, I led a team--my team to victory more times than I can count. I had faced things on my own that as a sidekick to Batman, I would have never been ready to deal with. I even walked through Hell and back again, and no, not just the metaphorical hell, to save a friend. Can Batman say he's ever done that? Yet, I'm still treated as a simple child who knows nothing.
The thing that really irks me is the fact that if they would just listen to me, we could maybe figure out a decent plan. We could find a way that I could help out in Gotham, and be the Robin I want to be. Then again, maybe that's the problem. Maybe the person I want to be isn't Robin anymore, and that's why I'm having such a hard time settling back into my old life. I was upset because they weren't seeing how much I've changed, but maybe part of the problem is the fact that I hadn't really realized how much I've changed, either. I kept telling myself I'm not the same Robin, but maybe it's more I'm not Robin anymore. Maybe I've changed so much that I'm an entirely different person now, and trying to fit into an old suit just isn't working for me. I kept telling myself I needed to spread my wings, and leave the old Robin behind, but maybe I just need to leave Robin behind.
The question is…how do I explain that to Bruce? How do I tell the man that taught me everything I know that the Robin part of my life is over now? Not to mention the fact that I have every intention of being out on the rooftops at night--just not under the supervision of Batman. How do I tell him I no longer wish to remain the cheerful kid in Batman's shadow, and that's part of the reason I left in the first place?
The worst part to all of this is going to be leaving Alfred. The poor guy just got back the only person who will smile, or engage him in conversations that don't revolve around a bunch of boring stuff that no one cares about. I know it hurt him deeply when I left the first time, but this is something I know I have to do. I don't even have to go that far. I just need a city that isn't Gotham …a city that doesn't have Batman. Again, explaining all of this won't be simple, and might even get me a few good hits to the head if I'm not careful, but it is a necessary evil…an evil that I know I can conquer--mainly because I have to…no, because I need to. I need to do it for me. There is no way I can continue living this lie; not if I don't want to be sharing a cell with Harvey Dent at Arkham Asylum.
The End