Okay, a monk fanfic | FanFiction

Title: Okay

Author: Kora

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: The following characters belong to USA and other peoples. I am simply using the characters for my own twisted enjoyment. I also do not own the song 'So Far Away' - belongs to Staind.

Author's Note: This song brought Monk to mind as well as the often-lamented Trudy. In my humble opinion, Trudy is painted like some kind of perfect angelic creature and her and Monk's relationship was always picturesque - I decided to undertake the task of making things more realistic - with faults and all that good stuff. This is the angsty result.

*Added Note * - I actually wrote this story quite some time ago but never posted it as I felt it wasn't very good, I didn't feel I accomplished what I set out to do - but MonkChic 24 was insistent that I post it and that it was good - therefore I dedicate this to her.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She had had a whole list of things to do today. She'd been planning for weeks - no, no months - no - forever! Forever she had been planning for this, her glorious day off and now it was here and she was totally…

Lost.

Sharona Fleming blew a few strands of curly blonde hair out of her face and looked at the sweater in her hands. She had cleaned her entire apartment - done the dishes, the vacuuming, organized the videos and CDs and was finishing up the laundry now and it was only -

She looked at the clock.

A disgruntled noise escaped her. 11 a.m.? Good lord, she still had a whole day before her. A whole day off - a whole Monk-free day and she had no idea what to do with herself.

When she used to fantasize about her day off she'd come up with all these great things to do. She'd think about pampering herself - getting a facial, nice bubblebath, paint her toenails…

And she'd get some real work done. Bills, chores, everything she'd put off or forgotten about and now here she was - feeling as if there was not a single thing to do.

Or worse, something better to do…something more exciting…

The apartment was clean, Benjy was at school and she couldn't even bear to touch bills. Her eyes wandered to the TV - she could always check what was on - like the local news…

Maybe a crime had just happened - some breaking story - like a robbery or -

God, how could she be so barbaric? To think of something so terrible like a murder or a robbery or some kind of crime that would result in police, an investigation, Monk…

She shook her head. Out. She needed to get out. Yeah, fresh air would do her good. How long had it been since she'd been on a nice long walk - absorbed the sunshine.

And it was lovely outside - if but a bit cold. She threw on her jacket and scarf, ready to brave the San Francisco streets and get her mind on something else - anything else other than crime solving and Adrian Monk.

------------------------------

Adrian Monk looked in the mirror in front of him and carefully adjusted his tie. He'd been adjusting it for ten minutes now. He just couldn't seem to get it right.

Not that it really matters, his pessimistic thoughts hissed, it's not like she's here to see it anyway.

A shaft of pain shot through him and he ignored it, continuing about his task - fingers trembling now. Finally he seemed appeased, feeling as if the cumbersome piece of attire was properly fitted. He stepped back, continuing to examine himself.

The suit he wore was old - practically an antique by today's standards but she had always liked it. He could hear her voice in the back of his mind now, saying in those soft, soothing tones, 'You look like such a gentlemen in this suit'.

'I don't look like one out of it?' He would return; a smirk on his face.

'Well, when you're out of it…and I'm around? It's kind of hard for you to be a gentlemen…' a mischievous sparkle would take her eye.

'What do you mean by that?' he would ask as if he didn't know

'C'mere and I'll show you…' would be her seductive reply.

He sighed heavily, almost feeling her lips on his, her hands on his body…

He shuddered and looked away, unable to bear another moment staring into his lined, lonely face. He walked around his apartment, hearing his feet hit the floor when he found himself moving steadily over to the radio. His fingers hovered above a knob. He hardly ever listened to music but something in him compelled him to flick the box on.

Trudy had always loved music.

And he couldn't stand the silence of his apartment any longer, especially today…

He turned it on and some moody piece began. At first he thought to change the station but as the lyrics began he became mesmerized. Thinking over what the deep voiced singer was crooning…

This is my life
Its not what it was before
All these feelings I've shared
And these are my dreams
That I'd never lived before
Somebody shake me
Cuz I
I must be sleeping…

------------------------------

Sharona looked at the police station with a slight frown. Somehow, against her own volition, her feet had led her here. She'd started walking in one direction and the next thing she knew…

With a reluctant sigh she strode inside out of the cold. Instantly the heavy heat circulating through the halls warmed her flesh.

Many uniformed cops walking by smiled and tipped their hats to her, knowing her well as 'Monk's assistant'. She gave timid smiles and tiny waves back. She was sure she looked strange to them without Adrian beside her.

Instinctively she made her way to the detective's division. Her eyes landed on Disher's desk and relief flooded her when she saw he was not there.

For some reason she was not in the mood for his smart mouth. Instead she found a familiar group of detectives huddled by the coffeepot.

They were laughing and conversing when she came over, ducking her head meekly, "Excuse me, don't mean to break up the cop talk but-"

"Sharona," one greeted warmly, "It's no trouble at all. It's good to see you. What's up?"

"I…um-" What did she want? The answer came out of her mouth before her thoughts even fully formed the idea; "I'm here to see the captain."

"No problem, he's in his office. I'll go tell him you're here." The same cheery detective replied and disappeared momentarily.

When he returned he beckoned her with one finger and she followed easily being led into the familiar office.

Captain Stottlemeyer sat behind his desk. Pen poised above several important looking papers, "Sharona! How are you doing? Where's Monk?"

"Um - not here. It's just me." Sharona mumbled, turning slightly pink.

"Oh," the captain replied, his voice as gruff as ever, "Well, go ahead and take your coat off, have a seat…"

"Thank you," she whispered and quickly seated herself in the comfy chair across from him.

------------------------------

Monk dimmed the lights and took a seat on the couch. He rested his hands on his knees, running them up and down his legs moderately as he licked his lips, thinking. Inevitably his eyes cast down to the table. It was off angle as usual, as if waiting for Trudy to prop her feet up on it.

It was exactly as she had left it save for one change. Sitting directly in its center was a white leather book; its cover decorated with pearls, edges trimmed in lace. He had found the book a few days ago in the back of his closet. He had carefully removed it from its wrappings and set it here to wait for him, for this moment, for this day…

Trepidation weighed heavily on his shoulders as he let out a deep-breathed sigh and reached his hands out, picking the book up. He sat it on his lap, feeling it rest there, almost sinking into him.

He delicately opened the first page to be greeted by a 3x5 invitation that had been lovingly taped inside. He read the golden-penned inscription on the card swiftly, lingering over a few choice words, then turned the page. This time happy photos greeting him. The song still playing on the radio, providing a suitable background.

Now that we're here,
It's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All in the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away

Now that we're here its so far away
And I feel like I can face the day

I can forgive and I'm not ashamed

To be the person that I am today

------------------------------

Silence reigned supreme in Stottlemeyer's office…or so it would seem. Stottlemeyer kept trying to work on the papers before him but his eyes kept drifting up to his guest.

Sharona sat serenely in the seat across from him, having removed and folded her jacket to rest in her lap, looking quite content. She was lost in the sounds of phones ringing, people typing, talking…words filtering about, speaking of cases, crimes…

"Sharona?"

Stottlemeyer's voice broke her revere, "Yes?"

"Not to be rude or anything but…why are you here?"

She blushed again, "I...well…I mean-"

"Where is Monk?" he questioned pointedly.

"He's - um - it's my day off."

Stottlemeyer's eyebrows rose, "What? You have a…day off."

"Yes."

"Then," he laughed, "What the heck're you doin' here? Seems to me you would have been waiting for this day for-"

"Ever," she injected with her own shaky chuckle, "Yeah, I know, And I was and I mean, you know, I thought of all sorts of things to do today but I…I can't seem to do any of them. All I can think about is…you know…"

He shrugged, nodding, "I've had rare days off too and when they roll around…I mean, once you get into this kind of business it's hard to leave the job. Sometimes I dream about case reports, hear 911 calls in my sleep…"

Sharona sighed, "Then you understand."

"Sure, it's hard to leave your work when it's your whole life but what I'm more curious about is why Monk gave you a day off…"

"Today it's," she inhaled deeply, looking at her hands, "It's his anniversary. His and Trudy's wedding anniversary."

Stottlemeyer's eyes widened, "Oh…wow."

"Yeah."

"It's that time all ready? How could I have forgotten," Stottlemeyer murmured under his breath, running a hand over his face, "Has it been that long since…"

He shook his head; "Karen and I used to go to their party when…"

He trailed off again but Sharona sat up, eyes sparkling with wonder, "Go on."

"Well," he smiled sheepishly, seemingly embarrassed to continue, "Trudy used to…she liked celebrating it. So they used to throw a party on their anniversary. Always started at six sharp ended at nine sharp. Monk would lean on the clock, punctual about it. I guess because while he liked having the party to make Trudy happy he really wanted to be alone with her on that night…I mean it was their night."

He laughed, this time the sound rich with thick amusement at the memories, "But Trudy just couldn't help herself! She had to have a party with good food; good music…never met a woman who loved music so much in all my life. Always had that radio of hers on…what was it Karen told me? I think Trudy told Karen the music helped her write. You know about her poems…"

He dropped off again, shaking his head and returning his eyes to his work as his tone returned to its normally deep, almost morose state, "But that's all in the past now, not good to drudge it up."

"Yeah, you're probably right." Sharona mumbled, lowering her eyes, silence returning again.

------------------------------

Monk flipped another page. More pictures greeted him, these photos just as happy as the last. His eyes settled on one in particular - it showed him and Trudy ascending the chapel stairs, hand in hand as confetti was tossed at them.

He looked ecstatic, a broad smile on his face and Trudy looked ethereal in her wedding gown, sunlight shining off her face, caught in mid laugh. There was such joy. Such life.

Tears brimmed to the surface of his eyes.

These are my words
That I've never said before
I think I'm doing okay
And this is the smile
That I've never shown before

Somebody shake me cuz I
I must be sleeping

------------------------------

Sharona let out another thoughtful exhale and finally spoke, her heart pounding in her ears, " Stottlemeyer…can I ask you a question."

He looked up, slightly surprised, but then, this whole day had been surprising, "Sure, Sharona."

"You," her hands fiddled with her jacket, her eyes nervously casting up and down as she bit her bottom lip, "You knew Trudy pretty well, right?"

"Yeah…I suppose."

"Can you - can you tell me about her?" Sharona caught his eyes widening and began speaking hurriedly, "About what she was like? I mean Adrian talks about her sometimes but…it's always with such reverence and I was just wondering…I mean was she always so…"

She swallowed, asking in a squeak, "Perfect?"

Stottlemeyer sucked in a breath and sat far back into his chair. He seemed to think about this question very deeply then spoke, his voice holding a slightly edgy tremor, "No. Trudy…she wasn't perfect. I - I don't like to speak ill of the dead-"

"And I wouldn't ask you to," Sharona gasped, "I just-"

"No, it's okay, I know why you asked and I…understand that too," Stottlemeyer returned weakly, "I know it can't be easy for you…it's not easy for any of us. When you're with Monk you're always under this shadow she left. I suppose we all talk about her like she was a saint but…I won't lie to you Sharona, Trudy Monk was just as human as anyone else. She had her faults…I can even remember one time in particular…"

Sharona moved to the rim of her seat, clutching it in both hands, waiting with bated breath for his tale to start.

He ran a hand over his face again, "Monk, Trudy, Karen, and I used to double date a lot back in the old days. We always had fun. But there was this one time I can remember…we were out…I don't remember exactly what we were doing or where we were going but there was this noticeable tension between them. Both Karen and I were naturally curious but we kept our mouths closed - I mean, after all, it was none of our business but then it just…exploded."

Sharona looked at him speculatively, urging him onward, "I think…let me see, oh yeah, it was a coupla kids. They went walking by and Monk had this look on his face, in his eyes and Trudy just went nuts! She started chewing him out about how he was trying to give her a guilt trip…apparently they had been in couple of arguments lately about children and - needless to say, things weren't resolved yet. I never had seen Trudy like that - furious, unreasonable…"

He sighed, "It was pretty uncomfortable for all of us. Monk kept trying to calm her down but she just lit right into him and then when Karen tried her hand she started go off on her too. It was crazy, almost like she was someone else but then she came down and - poor thing, started bawling her eyes out. She apologized to all of us, rambling on about stress and work and she just took off. Monk ran after her and…"

His eyes widened, "Wait…I remember now…hell, that fight…it took place the day before their anniversary that year. The year she," he swallowed, the last word coming out on a light breath, "died."

------------------------------

"Oh Trudy," Monk gasped, tears escaping his eyes as he held the book close, held her pictures close, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…"

He curled up on the couch and closed his eyes, thinking over more than their wedding but their life together - what little of it there had been. What could have been had it not been stolen from them. But then, would it have been taken if not for him and his job?

It was his fault. All his fault. And all he could think of was this night, this night years ago before she died. Their very last anniversary. They had been out with the Stottlemeyer and his wife the day before and had gotten in a terrible argument. He hated fighting in public - in fact, if he remembered rightly - that was the first and only time they had fought in public. At least like that.

He had ran after her after her, apologizing, holding her sobbing form close. He had never seen her so upset. He had managed to calm her, managed to find some strength inside himself to give her. She had always been the strong one in their relationship, never him and to have the roles reversed was scary but it was also…

He had felt good to be the one to offer comfort, to protect. It felt right.

She had soaked his sweater and whispered her apologies, 'I didn't mean to yell at you. To hurt you. Oh Adrian! I'm so embarrassed! Leland and Karen-'

'Shh,' he'd whispered, 'It's okay. They don't care. It's no big deal…'

'I'm just so tired, Adrian. So tired…'

'I know. Work has been real hard on you lately. You told me-'

'I know I did and it's so unfair of me! I mean your job, being a detective, seeing what you see day in and day out is much worse than-"

'Shh,' he'd hushed again, 'Trudy, we're not going to compare who's job is more tough. Both of us have ups and downs, I understand that. I know. It's okay. It really is and about kids-'

'Let's not talk about that,' she had begged, 'Not right now.'

He cut her off, hugging her to him more tightly, 'Of course. You're right. Just relax. It's okay…'

And it had been. For those few moments. They had met back up with Stottlemeyer and Karen and they had gone their separate ways and the next day, their anniversary, they had been in their apartment again and Trudy had looked at him with that sparkle back in her eye.

'Adrian…I think you should know I - I called off the party-'

'You - what?' He had gasped, startled. He knew how much the parties meant to Trudy, how happy they made her. And she'd put so much work into planning this one…

But she merely gave him a wide grin and walked over to him, 'I want to spend tonight with you and you alone.'

'Oh yeah?'

'Yeah.'

'Any particular reason?'

'Well I do love you and it is our anniversary…'

'No, I mean…'

'Adrian…' she'd let out an unsteady breath, 'Children…'

'Trudy…

'If you want…'

'C'mere…' He'd murmured to her, his version so much different from her seductive one. She went into his arms, putting her own around his neck and kissing him, whispering softly, 'I love you…'

'Love you too' was all he had managed to mumble before they had fallen into another series of passionate kisses and oh, what it had led to…

Monk felt more tears leave him and his eyes squeezed until he saw bursts of white light behind his lids. He could almost feel her near…

------------------------------

Stottlemeyer swallowed, "When they came back everything was worked out. So…there you go. Not perfect."

Sharona's own eyes were glossy, "I - I didn't mean to suggest…I didn't want…"

Stottlemeyer let out a shaky laugh, "Oh Sharona! Don't think I'm mad at you! Like I said, I perfectly understand why you asked. Since Trudy died it seems easy to elevate her to this godly status but she was human. I think we forget that sometimes - me and Monk. Especially Monk. He would get mad at her too, you know."

Something of a snort escaped him, "She'd complain about how he was married to his work, she'd iron some of his shirts wrong, mix her lunch box with his, bite her nails and spent too much on groceries…"

He shook his head, "I only know about it because Monk used to complain to me. We'd compare notes about our wives and the crazy things they'd do. Have the whole 'male bonding' thing - so yeah, there were less than exemplimentary moments. But that's to be expected. It's normal. Trudy was a person and her faults and quirks were what made her so lovable and what, after her death, caused us to elevate her to-" he merely flapped his hands, knowing the rest was obvious.

Sharona took in a deep breath and nodded, "Yeah. I see. So…she was…I mean, they loved each other so much. She was his…soul mate."

He heard her words and suddenly he found himself looking at her. Really looking at her. The smart mouthed, Brooklyn-accented blonde who'd come into Monk's life after Trudy. She sat there in her, as always, fashionably showy clothing - hair in ringlet curls and he could see in her face, in her eyes all of her feelings and emotions in that brief second.

And in that second he felt the corners of his eyes crinkle as he gave her a warm smile, "Now I wouldn't say that. Soul mate's a subjective term. I think Trudy was one of the greatest loves of Adrian Monk's life…but I don't think that doesn't mean there could never be another."

Sharona's head snapped in his direction, as her mouth dropped open, flapping silently for a few moments before she was able to actually speak, "What - you think - no. No! Oh no, I - I didn't mean-"

"Sharona," Stottlemeyer's eyes locked with her and something passed between them in the brief, strong silence that followed.

Sharona gulped.

He couldn't help but feel that smile expand, "It's okay, Sharona. It's okay."

She merely nodded and rose to her feet, heading towards the office door. Just as her fingers reached the knob he called her again. She turned and looked at him. His eyes seemed to actually sparkle, "Feel free to stop by again sometime. If you ever have another day off."

------------------------------

I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don't shake me

"Hey you."

Monk opened his eyes and found himself staring up at Trudy. His head was rested in her lap like it used to be. She sat serenely on the couch and he knew it was his imagination as always but he let the fantasy continue.

"Hey."

"No party?"

"Trudy…"

"Where's Sharona?"

"What?" Monk asked, surprised by this question. Why would he imagine Trudy asking him about her?

"Sharona, silly! The blonde! Where is she today?"

"Um…I dunno. Home I guess."

"Why the heck is she there?" Trudy laughed.

"I - I gave her the day off."

"Why would you go and do a thing like that?"

His eyebrows knitted together in confusion, "I wanted to spend tonight with you and you alone."

"Oh yeah?" she asked, aware of how this conversation had happened once before.

He was too, smiling, "Yeah."

"Any particular reason?"

"Well I do love you and it is our anniversary…"

She sighed and he could feel her fingers in his hair, "Our anniversary…Adrian…"

"Don't," he begged her, "Please. Don't say it. Don't say anything. Just…stay."

Another sigh left her, "All right. But for the record? I like her."

"Who?"

"Not too sharp today are we, Mr. Detective?" she teased with a giggle, "Sharona, Adrian. I like her."

"What do you mean?"

She shook her head, "Never mind. You'll know when the time comes."

"Trudy-"

"Shh, relax, Adrian. It's okay."

He sighed, not wanting to think more deeply about what she had just said - or what his subconscious creating this illusion had made her say. Instead he closed his eyes, feeling content and - for this little while - okay.

And ever still, the radio played on…