It all happened so fast that I really don't remember what happened. All I have left of what happened to me are quick flashes of moments that seem to be out of order. Or maybe they are in order. I wouldn't know because it's hard for me to make sense of things right now. I feel groggy and so… ow… Not even sure where I am. I mean I know I'm in the hospital but I don't know exactly where in the hospital. The last thing I remember seeing was the floor moving past me and the feet of one of the paramedics that was moving me on the gurney. It was so weird to see things from that view because normally, if I have to be brought into the hospital on a gurney, I'm staring up at the ceiling. But this time I was brought in lying on my stomach. I remember hearing bits and pieces of what the paramedics were saying about me as they pushed me through the hallway. They said something about me having to go to surgery. But I'm not sure if I've already been in surgery or even what I needed surgery for. Maybe it was my back because that's killing me right now. That would make sense because I was face down on the gurney. I think things are starting to come together now. I think. I'm so confused.

Someone just came into the room. Sounds like April. Maybe it's Missy. I have no idea. It's a female voice so it could be a nurse for all I know. I don't want to open my eyes right now to figure out who it is. My leg feels funny. Kind of like tingly. Tingly. Is that a word? Wait a second. Where did my other leg go? Oh there it is. Is that my other leg? Of course it is. Why am I having such a hard time controlling it? It's moving right? Oh how would you know? Wait. Who am I talking to? I must be going crazy. Well crazy for me. What the fuck did they give me? Ugh. I've got to stop asking questions.

I'm not sure what's going on right at the moment. I think I'm being moved somewhere. I know I'm awake right now but it hurts to open my eyes. This place is too damn bright. So I'm just going to pretend to still be asleep so I won't have to open my eyes. Or speak to anyone. As soon as I open my eyes I know I'm going to be bombarded by questions. Questions from the doctor. Questions from my parents. Questions from Missy. And then I'll have to turn around and answer the very same questions to other people. News people probably. But I can't be bothered now so I'm just going to lie here and continue pretending to sleep.

I guess while I was pretending to sleep I had actually fallen asleep. Must have been sleeping for a while. This room seems nice for a hospital room. I'm alone in here, which is good. I mean of course I knew that I'd be in a private room but there's no one else in here checking up on me or anything. My leg still feels funny. I can move it alright though. The other leg is another story. Not sure what's going on there. Fuck my fucking back. I need pain killers already. Where's the God damn call button when I need it? Aw shit I have to piss like a fucking race horse. I don't want to have to piss the bed. The bathroom is way over there though and I'm by myself. What happened to me waking up alone being a good thing? Oh right on time a nurse just walked in.

"Well good morning." She smiled at me

"Morning? How long was I asleep?" Man my voice seems kind of raspy

"You were in and out the whole night. I'm not surprised that you don't remember your wife spending time with you before visiting hours were over."

"My wife?" Oh fuck why'd I just try to sit up… that seriously killed "Missy was with me and I missed it." What's she doing to me right now? Checking my pulse or something? "Hey I gotta, um, well I'm about to piss on myself. Could you…"

"Oh of course. Hold on a second."

"Hurry! God damn…"

Wait what's she doing… dude what is that… it's cold. Well half of it is cold; the other half is just… kind of there… That's a bed pan isn't it? A bed pan? But the bathroom is right there. Why do I have to use a… Oh yeeeeeeah… This is kind of weird but it feels so good. Damn I didn't think I had to piss that much.

"So feel better now?" There's that smile again

"For the most part." Should I tell her about my legs? Ugh. And my back? "My back is really killing me actually. Is there anything you could do for that?"

Still with that smile. It's starting to bug me "I'll be right back with something that should make you feel better."

"Thanks."

And now she's gone. I wonder when she'll be back with some pain killers. Wonder if a doctor will come in with her. Maybe the doctor, if he comes, will talk to me in private. I need to know about some things. Like my legs. And how long I'll be here. And maybe if he can tell me why I needed the bed pan. My back is fucking burning. I feel like I'm going to cry any second now. That nurse better hurry up and get back here with those pain killers.

I'm starting to get kind of… angry. I'm part way between knowing what happened to me and not really remembering what exactly happened. And it's really frustrating. I still only have those out of order flashes. None of it is making sense yet. Why won't this weird feeling in my leg go away? Where did my other leg go again? Dude it was right here. I think. Well I see it under the blanket but nothing about it seems right to me. That burning in my back got worse. Where's the nurse at? No fuck that nurse, where's the doctor?

Alright now the nurse just came back in. Looks like she's got something… aw crap I think it's a needle. Ok get this over with. I can't watch you stick that in me. Are you done? Oh that was fast. What is this? What did she give me? Oh… oh wait… I recognize that now. Mmmm… morphine. I'm going to be feeling great in a minute. Oh look the doctor.

"So how are we feeling this morning?"

"Well… I'm fixin' to be feeling a lot better real soon here thanks to that shot I just got."

"Mmmhmm…"

Oh man should I tell him about my legs? I was hoping they'd start to feel normal by now. Maybe I won't have to tell him. What the hell dude? He just took the blanket off of my legs.

"I'm just going to test some things, Bam."

Test what things? He's like feeling me up or something. Now he has that little reflex hammer thing. That thing is so annoying. There he goes hitting my left leg.

"Reaction time is a little slow there. But not too bad."

He just hit my right leg. Was something supposed to happen? I didn't even feel him hit me. Must be the morphine.

"Hmm." He sounded concerned. I don't like this.

He's hitting the bottom of my left foot now.

"Ow…"

Ok yeah that hurts dude. Quit doing that. Did he just hit my right foot? Maybe he missed and hit the bed. He's frowning.

"Ok Bam can you try flexing your toes for me?"

Flex my toes. Gotcha. Alright here goes nothing. Well won't you look at that? The toes on my left foot are moving. Wait. I'm moving my right toes. I know I am. But they're not moving. What's going on here? I'm staring at my right foot now. I'm concentrating harder than I think I've ever concentrated on anything before. But nothing's happening. Come on stupid toes! Move! Fuck! Why aren't they moving? This is frustrating. Move God damn you! I'm getting really scared right now. I just realized that I can't feel or move my entire right leg. That can't be! No! Damnit! You move right now! No… I don't want to cry but I am. I just don't understand this. What's happening to me? Maybe this will pass. It'll pass, right? Man I don't like this at all. These tears won't stop falling. I think the nurse is trying to comfort me right now. I don't even hear what she's saying to me. Please stop touching me. Stop. Fucking stop! Please just leave me alone. I can't take this. I don't want you to comfort me right now. I just want to be able to feel my leg, you stupid bitch! I can't stop fucking crying. Now the doctor's trying to talk to me. I don't know what you're saying to me and I don't care. This has got to pass. It's got to! Oh God… it's not… No! No I can't deal with this. Please someone just kill me now! This can't be fucking real. It's not. I'm going to wake up any second now and I'll be at home in my own bed. All of this is just one big horrible dream. It's a dream! God no! I'm not waking up. Why? Fucking why?! I wish I had something that I could kill myself with. Someone please just take me out of this fucked up nightmare.

I'm so miserable right now. About an hour ago I was going through tests and scans or whatever they were doing to me. I hate my fucking legs. I hate my back. I hate my whole fucking life. My back injury paralyzed me. Paralyzed. That's the worst fucking word to me right now. Even worse; the fucking idiot doctors can't figure out whether this is temporary or not. They don't even know how long I'll be like this if it is temporary. I wish I had a gun. I'd go on a God damn rampage in the hospital. I was told that someone came to visit me a little bit ago. I turned them away. I don't care if it was Missy who wanted to visit me. I just hate the entire world right now. I want to die. Where's that gun? I need to put it in my mouth.

The doctor told me I should be grateful that I have feeling in my left leg. Grateful? How the hell can I be fucking grateful for this? Is he out of his mind? I'm still going to have to be in a wheelchair. Unless I want to drag my leg around behind me everywhere I go. I still won't be able to skate or anything. Fuck! Fucking feel something you God damn leg! I'm fucking hitting my leg right now. How am I supposed to live like this? This is one fucking cruel ass joke. I'm not laughing! Why am I still hitting my leg? I'll never feel it. I hate this useless leg. I hate it! I'm going to commit suicide as soon as I get home. This is bullshit. I can't take it. Why me of all people? Did I really deserve this? Alright! I'm sorry! Whatever I did wrong, whatever horribly fucked up thing I've done to deserve this: I'm sorry. Please God. Please just let me go back to how I was before. I admit it. I've fucked up things in my life. I've been the biggest asshole I can think of. I'm mean spirited. I've done so many mean things to people through my entire life, especially to my parents. I've even lost friends because of the way I am. I deserve to be punished for all of that. But why do I have to be punished like this? I hate you! I hate you for doing this to me!

I don't understand how one leg wound up paralyzed and not the other. I don't understand why I had to wind up this way. I don't understand why I had to be the one who had to suffer like this. I still don't understand or know what happened to me. Nothing makes any sense. Those flashes I have are still out of order. I just can't seem to figure out where the pieces go. I'd ask someone to help me sort things out but I've just been way too fucking miserable to be around anyone. I can't let anyone see me like this. I can't let anyone see me cry. Not that I'm ashamed to cry in front of people. I just don't want them to have to see how much pain I'm in. Right now the tears are just rolling down my face. I've stopped trying to control them. There's no point. I've never been in this much pain in my life. Emotional pain is so much worse than physical pain. That's probably partly because you know how to fix physical pain. I can't stand this. But there's nothing I can do about it. This is hell. There's just no way for me to escape it.