Lina has just been captured by the military after somehow landing in the mortal realm. *cough*L-sama*cough* Now, under full security, a panel of military personnel are discussing what is to become of the beautiful sorcery genius!
Disclaimer: I do not own Slayers. AND THEY DO NOT OWN ME! I CAN QUIT AT ANY TIME! Just kidding ^_^ Why would I ever want to quit? Anyway, all coincidences between the dialogue that follows and the TV movie ALF are completely not coincidental. I wrote the name Lina in for ALF. For those of you who haven't seen the ALF movie this will be really funny. Just another reminder, I didn't write this. Thank the people that did.
Project: LINA
Somewhere, the authoress can't be certain where, as it is so mysterious, there sits a panel of judges decked out in military dress and medals. They seem to be in a large where house late at night. Two tables are before the council. One in the defense of the sorceress, one not too fond of our sorceress to put it lightly… (Small note, for those wondering why the military isn't a crater, Lina's on that time of the month. Also, she knows what modern stuff is now because she lived with the Tanners for a few months.)
Council member #1 – Now it is our responsibility to hear these arguments and determine what should be done with the sorceress.
Gray – We know what to do with her, just some of us don't have the guts.
Melissa – It's not a matter of guts, it's a matter of human rights.
Gray - Oh please.
Roy – She's right. We've found Lina to be a warm, friendly… occasionally annoying, but highly intelligent creature.
Gray – Sir, Lina is a menace to society and ought to be incinerated.
Reece – Don't you mean incarcerated Sir?
Gray – No.
Council member #2 – *glancing at papers* According to these records Lina fell through the garage roof of a family by the name of Tanner.
Gray – That is an affirmative madam. The sorceress held the family captive and terrorized them for as long as she lived with them.
Melissa - *rolling eyes at blatant lie* The Tanners and Lina got along great.
Gray - On the contrary. Mr. Tanner testified himself that the sorceress set over 300 fires in their home, and she continually tried to Dragon Slave the family cat.
Roy – For the record, she never Dragon Slaved the cat. And besides, it was only 246 fires and most of those were BBQ related.
Councilman #1 – Perhaps now would be a good time to view the videotapes of the sorceress undergoing some of those tests you told us about.
Roy – The, uh, committee should be aware that several tapes… including those of the more inhumane type, mysteriously disappeared about the time these hearings were scheduled-
Gray - *interrupting* You lost some of the tapes? *Big show of it* Honest to God, security in your department is appalling, anyone can just waltz into his lab and grab whatever he wants.
Roy - *staring at Gray* Anyone with a security key and a 14-digit combination..
*Councilman #1 pounds gabble*
Councilman #1 –May we take a look at those tapes we do have?
*Everyone turns and stares at a TV screen. A blue background appears followed by the white letters that read: PROJECT: LINA
LAB TESTS
(edited version)
We fade in on Lina sitting before a table, a microphone in front of her, looking irritated to heck. A man in a white lab coat walks in.*
Dr. Warner – Good morning Lina. May I call you Lina?
Lina – If you insist.
Dr. Warner - *chuckles* Well I'm Dr. Warner, and I'd like to ask you a few questions.
Lina – Do I have to come up with funny answers?
Dr. Warner - *chuckles*
Lina - *chuckles mockingly of his creepy chuckle*
Dr. Warner – Not at all. Now, during the course of these interviews we'll be also be videotaping you.
Lina – If it's shone on Hard Copy I'll expect residuals.
Dr. Warner - *does his weird chuckle again*
Lina - *mocking chuckle*
Dr. Warner - No these tapes are classified, the public will never see them.
Lina - That's what they told Mary and Barry.
Dr - *chuckle* Yes, yes.
*Fade out and in* Lina is seated in a metal chair with lots of wires. There appear to be several fuse boxes attached… She's pulling on the arm restraints.
Lina - *tug tug* Rrrr.
*Dr. Warner walks in*
Dr. Warner – Good morning Lina. *Evil chuckle*
Lina – Heh heh heh heh heh heh yourself.
*As the camera moves we see a 'Danger High Voltage' sign on the largest box*
Lina – I take it this isn't the word association test.
Dr.Warner – There's been a change in plans. Not to worry, we're going to conduct a different test.
Lina – I'm not sure I like the word "conduct".
Dr. Warner – I assure you it's completely safe.
*Lina stares at the sign*
Dr. Warner – Oh? *Chuckle* Pay no attention to that sign it shouldn't even be there.
*Lina stares at him*
Dr. Warner - *puts down clipboard* I'll remove it if it bothers you.
Lina – It bothers me.
*Dr. Warner walks up to the sign and attempts to scratch off the sign with something. A few sparks fly, he makes some weird noises, and falls to the floor. Smoke floats by Lina and we hear sizzling. *
Lina - *looking around* Medic? Medic?
*Fade in and out, Lina's back in the first room with the table and microphone again*
Dr. Newman - *sitting across from Lina* Hello Lina, I'm Dr. Newman.
Lina – No need to ask who you're replacing.
Dr. Newman – We're going to play a little game called numeric sequencing.
Lina – Does it involve electric shock?
Dr. Newman – Absolutely not.
Lina – Forgive me if I'm a little paranoid. There's still a silhouette burnt into the linoleum.
*Dr. Newman tries to subtly glance over at the floor…*
Dr. Newman - *quickly glancing back to Lina, he flashes an insecure grin* Well it's been officially determined that Dr. Warner had a heart condition, and his… unfortunate death was totally unrelated to the-the minor shock he received here.
Lina – I'd be ready for litigation if I was you.
Dr. Newman – Well now that's not your concern at this point.
Lina – The man was cooked in his shoes.
Dr. Newman – *scratching nervously behind his ear* Um, could-could you stop the tape?
Lina – His glasses were fused to his skull.
Dr. Newman - *in the camera* Stop the tape…
Lina – He was a cinder-
Dr. Newman – Stop *doing a little 'cut' motion* Stop.
*Camera fades out and in*
Dr. Stanley – Hello there, I'm Dr. Stanley.
Lina – Where's Dr. Newman?
Dr. Stanley – He's taken some time off.
Lina – I assume you heard what happened to Dr. Warner?
Dr. Stanley – Yep. Bad heart.
Lina – Oh, we're sticking to that story huh? Mums the word.
Dr. Stanley – *confused* L-let's try some word association, I'll say a word and you say whatever pops in you mind.
Lina – Food.
Dr. Stanley – *irritated* I haven't said anything yet.
Lina – Nothing interesting at least.
Dr. Stanley - *irate sigh* Sit.
Lina - I am sitting.
Dr. Stanley – No, no, no, no. That's the first word. Sit.
Lina – Oh, uh, food.
Dr. Stanley – Sunrise.
Lina – Breakfast.
Dr. Stanley – Square.
Lina – Meal.
Dr. Stanley – Left.
Lina – Overs.
Dr. Stanley – Should we stop and uh, get you something to eat?
Lina – I could use a little snack.
*Camera fades in and out*
*The table is SOMEWHERE (we hope) under wrappers of every sort. It looks like a hungry pack of teenagers hit the place. *
Dr. Stanley – Feel better?
Lina - *stops sipping on soda* *burps* Yep, I do now.
Dr. Stanley – *deep sigh, picking burger wrappers off his clipboard* May we uh, proceed with our word association test?
Lina – Fire away.
Dr. Stanley – Alright. Here is the first word.
*Lina nods her head and says nothing. *
Dr. Stanley – Is there a problem?
Lina – Nope.
Dr. Stanley – Here is the first word.
Lina - *nods* Go ahead.
Dr. Stanley – No! Here. The word here is the first word!
Lina - *looks at him eyebrow raised* You're jerking my chain, aren't you?
Dr. Stanley – Let's just try another word.
Lina - Good idea.
Dr. Stanley – On.
Lina – Off.
Dr. Stanley – Up.
Lina – Down.
Dr. Stanley – Toast.
Lina - Dr. Warner.
Dr. Stanley - *irate glare* In.
Lina – Out.
Dr. Stanley – Cold.
Lina – Dr. Warner.
Dr. Stanley – Look, can we stop the cameras please?
Lina – Warner's body had to be removed by a chimney sweep.
Dr. Stanley – CUT!
*Fade in and out* Lina is strapped in a chair that spins in circles really fast.
Lina – WHHHHHOOOOOAAAAAAAAAoooooooOOOooOoooOooOAAAaaAAAAAAaAaAAAaAAa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Fade in and out*
Dr. Mockton – Hello, I'm Dr. Mockton. I'm going to show you some inkblots.
Lina – Does this involve electric shock?
Dr. Mockton - *deep breath* Let's not start that again.
Lina - You know why I'm asking don't you?
Dr. Mockton - *leaning menacingly over table* I suggest you change the subject. Unless you want to pay another trip to the centrifuge.
Lina – *taken back* Been there, done that, threw up.
Dr. Mockton – Let's start with this one. *Holds up inkblot*
Lina – Dr. Warner struck me, as a rather gentleman.
*EVIL Dr. Mockton look*
*Fade out and in Lina is going round and round in the centrifuge*
Lina – AHHHHHHhhHHhhhHhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHhhhhHHhhhhHHHhhhHHHHhHhhhhhhhhHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhHhhhhhWHHHHHOOOAAAAAWHOAWHOAWHOAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
*Fade in and out, Lina is blindfolded with 2 cups in front of her, one marked A and one B*
Lina - *sipping from cup A* This one is definitely the Pepsi.
*Fade in and out, a scary looking woman in Navy clothes steps through the door*
She walks over to her seat and then says, "Good morning, I'm Dr. Carnage."
Lina – Yikes.
Dr. Carnage – Yikes yourself.
Lina – Just so we understand each other.
Dr. Carnage – I'm going to show you some pictures.
Lina – Are they of you?
Dr. Carnage – No.
Lina – Good.
Dr. Carnage - *death glares Lina* Identify if you can-
Lina – No breakfast?
Dr. Carnage – No breakfast.
Lina – Lousy pork butt.
Dr. Carnage - *looks over from pictures* No need to be insulting.
Lina – No, no. That's what I had for breakfast. Just one lousy pork butt.
Dr. Carnage - *hold up picture* Can you identify the man in this picture?
Lina – He was the drummer for the Beetles. Can I ask you something?
Dr. Carnage - *is looking at picture* *snaps head up* What?
Lina – How have you found the food here on the base?
Dr. Carnage – Adequate.
Lina – Any truth to that Salt Peter thing? Because frankly I've been having trouble maintaining-
*Fades out and in* (Authoress note: Anyone get the Salt Peter thing? Please tell me. I know, I know, not smart to post something you don't understand. I figure it can't be TOO bad.)