Impurity
Spoilers: Season 9
Warnings: Angst, Depression, Wincest
Disclaimer: not mine
Sam sat at the desk doing research when it happened again. There had been nothing that had triggered it, there never was lately. It just came out of nowhere and hit him right in the stomach.
The good thing was that he was alone at least. Dean was… somewhere. In his room maybe. Or maybe he had gone outside.
The brothers didn't keep track of each other anymore. They hardly talked to each other unless it was for a case.
Thanks to that Dean wouldn't notice Sam's eyes going blurry, staring into nothing, and his fingers freezing over the keyboard of his laptop.
For the next seconds (if he was lucky) or minutes (the times always varied) Sam wouldn't be able to focus on anything but the dull pain of emptiness that started in his stomach and spread higher to his chest, were it gripped his heart tight and pressed his lungs, causing his shallow breath and his heart beat to quicken.
Then the pain went through his throat and left a lump behind that Sam swore would choke him to death one day.
Finally it reached his soul and filled his thoughts with poison of self hatred, self disgust and a feeling of worthlessness.
In those moments Sam was the most aware of himself, saw with relentless clearness the darkness inside of him and felt the impurity that had been a part of his being since he could remember.
It had been gone for a short while and Sam had been hopeful, had finally seen the light at the end of the tunnel, but then he had messed it up again, just one tiny mistake, and all the pain came back with the brutal force of a wrecking ball.
Now Sam was lost again and drowned in despair and hatred.
While he got carried away in his messed up mind he didn't notice the silent tears on his cheeks until strong familiar arms held him in their embrace and warm soothing hands cleaned the traces of the salty water drops.
"It's okay Sammy.", said a deep gentle voice, that Sam would recognize anywhere and it was Sam's own little miracle how three words spoken in that voice could break through his prison and free him, save him from his self destruction, when nothing else could.
Dean didn't say anything else, didn't ask any questions, and Sam was grateful for it. His big brother just held him tight, kept him warm and protected, and kissed the tears away that wouldn't stop coming for a while. But it was okay. The pain was gone for now. Despair and hatred were replaced by warmth and love.
As his eyelids went heavy, the last thought that struck Sam was how silly it was that Dean thought of himself as poison when it was clear as day that he was the antidote, Sam's personal cure against his own impurity.
He would have to tell Dean that. He hoped, he'd remember as soon as he woke up again.