"Okay Mr McPartlin, how are we feeling today?"
"Come on, Jen, we've been doing this for 2 months now! I'm feeling the same as I have every other day. I don't see why you can't let me go and see my wife and friends; there's no need for me to be here!"
"Anthony, you know why you're in here. You can't leave until you are better."
"Better! What do I need to get better for? I'm in here for drinking too much on ONE night and now I'm stuck here! Why didn't you just fine me and send me on my way?"
"You know this isn't the police station, Ant. Remember this is the hospital, and drinking isn't the reason you're in here."
"Urgh! Why've you got me in a hospital then?" He stood up. "You know what, sod this, I'm off to my room to email Dec."
With that, Ant walked out the room and slammed the door behind him. Jen stayed seated and muttered to herself, "Oh Anthony, when are you going to remember?"
She gathered her notes and followed where Ant had gone. Just down the long white corridor, Ant was, as expected, in his room typing away.
"Ant, what are you doing?" "Same thing I do after every little 'session', I email Dec and tell him what's happened and then I'll ring Lisa."
"You can't email him. Now come on, let's finish the meeting," Ant didn't look up. "You know I'll finish it in here! And I know you don't like it when your private space gets filled with so much 'negativity'."
"Sounds like you're talking crap to me. If you wanna talk then shoot, but I need to write this email."
"Ant, why doesn't Declan visit?" Ant looked up from his screen with an empty look on his face
"I...I guess he has errr... Work to do... It's what? November, errr... He'll be in Australia, right?"
"No," Jen drew in a sharp breath and gently massaged her forehead. "Do you remember what happened the night you were supposed to jet off to Australia?"
Ant concentrated on typing, not really paying any attention to Jen. "No, something though I'm guessing"
"Yes, something. And that something is what you block and why you are here. Ant, I know what happened is traumatic, but you can't leave here until you come to grips with it." All she got was a grunt. "Come find me when you're done and we'll talk."
"See Dec, I know you'll understand. Here is strange, I really hate it! I've been here ages. I totally get if you want to go do I'm A Celeb without me, but I'll sort my drinking out then come meet you. This psychologist has got me talking lots, says I'm blocking something. I think talking to you will help. Please pop in for a visit next time Lisa comes down. Anyway, I best go talk to Jen, I'll speak to you later." He sent the message and jumped off his bed. As he walked towards the phone in the corridor, his laptop made an all too familiar sound- a beep. Ant had always presumed it meant the email had sent. This beep meant no such thing. It was to tell him the email address couldn't receive the email. In his inbox were now 258 emails from the postmaster. All unread.
"It's just not fair, Lis! Why! Why can't he be here!?"
"I've explained it to you a million times, babe! You did something, and what you did can't be changed, he can't come here."
"He can! Whatever I did, I'm sorry. He knows I won't do it again! Lis please just get him to talk to me."
Lisa beckoned over Jen. "Ant you know I can't do that! Look, talk to Jen about it all. I'll be back in a few hours. I need some... Air"
Ant stood up and walked with Jen. "She's not really going for air you know, quite the opposite. To fill her lungs with vile tar. Smoking is disgusting, I'm glad I never did it."
"Ant you did smoke, you only quit because you were forced to."
"Ahaha, I doubt that's true. I'd know that sort of thing!" They were in the Meeting Room and Ant was sat an on over sized sofa. "You've blocked a lot out. To get it back you need to help me to help you. We have to talk about what happened, about how you're dealing with it. Last time, you mentioned dreams. Tell me about this dream."
"The recurring one?"
"Yea, now close your eyes and walk me through it."
"Well, I'm at the podium for the start of I'm A Celeb, but Dec's not there. I look around and no one is... I'm alone. I hear screaming and I spin. Lisa is screaming. At me. I don't know why. There was blood. But I can't see what's bleeding." Ant was becoming clearly distressed "Now I'm home. I'm in London and I'm at Dec's, in his hall and I can see the bathroom. I go towards the bathroom and put my hand on the handle to push it open and I jump. I always jump. I get scared. The handle makes me afraid to go through the door. But there's something in there that I have to see. The light's off but I need something. As I push the door open, it's stiff. Something's in the way so I push my weight against it and then I snap awake." Ant looked very distant, he was very pale.
"Do you ever open the door? See what's inside?"
"It opens ajar, but closes. Something's stopping it."
"Does this happen every night?"
"Every night, all night. I can't use a toilet out of fear. Jen, what's wrong with me?"
"Nothing that can't be fixed. Now can you tell me why you fear the bathroom?"
"Something happened there. It's a bad place in general but I don't know why," He began to cry. "I'm a grown man and I can't use a toilet. My wife hates me and my best friend won't talk to me! What've I done?" He stood up, very angry. He walked towards Jen and stood above her and spoke in a very aggressive manner. "If I've been here for so long. WHY haven't YOU fixed me?!"
"These things take time. We need your help and you aren't being open enough."
"Doc, no one knows about that dream. NO ONE! So don't tell me that I'm not being open enough." Jen was shaking from fear. "You feel that? Fear?" Jen nodded. "That's me, 24/7, when I sleep, when I use the toilet. ALWAYS! You are here to help me. Until then, DO NOT BOTHER."
He left Jen quivering in her chair.
He had been having many violent episodes. Of course he had. These violent episodes were the reason he was in here. Jen knew that straight after these episodes he had a moment of immense clarity, regret and guilt. He was only stood outside the door. Jen could hear him cursing and punching the wall.
After about 5 minutes, he stopped and came back into the room. Standing in the door way, he spoke.
"I did it didn't I?"
"Did what?"
"It's all my fault. The reason he's not here?"
"Why is it your fault?"
"We were fighting. I... I was fighting. He hadn't done anything. I was angry. I don't know what I did but he ran. He ran into the bathroom and hid. He was holding onto the handle so I couldn't get in. I refused to let him stay there. I walked back, so I could run into the door. He must have thought I was leaving and went to open the door. I pushed it hard and he fell back. He hit his head on the bath. And..." Tears were streaming down his face. "And then I... I don't know. Everyone's shouting," he was breathing too quickly.
"Ant, listen to me. You need to calm yourself."
"We were arguing. He didn't want Lisa to come with us, but she had to, she wasn't working."
"Anthony, breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth."
"Why wasn't she working? What had changed?"
"Breathe with me. You ready? 1...2...3...4. And again, 1...2...3...4" Ant's breathing had slowed down a little. "Good, carry on. Count to yourself. Good, well done." After a while Ant's breathing had returned to normal.
He was fidgeting. Constantly fidgeting. Regaining his attention was hard, but necessary. This was the first time in the two months Ant had been there that he had had an episode whilst under observation.
"Anthony, tell me what just happened."
"You told me I need to be open, so I will be."
"Is that the last thing that I said to you?"
"Yea. Now what do you want to know?" Jen was scribbling away. "I SAID WHAT DID YOU WANT TO KNOW?" Jen finished her sentence and looked up to Ant, who was sweating and red with anger.
"I want to know why you're so angry."
"Because this is stupid. I'm still me. Still normal. And you won't let me see Dec."
"We let you see Lisa."
"And for that I'm grateful" Ant retorted sarcastically, "but Declan. Two months I haven't seen him for now. That's the longest ever. You need to let me see him." Jen stood up and took Ant outside the room. They stopped outside the door and Jen pointed at a group of holes and dints in the wall.
"How did they get there?" Ant shrugged his shoulders. "Could you have done this?" Ant shook his head. "Are you sure?" He looked at her, the realisation in his eyes. He lowered his head to the floor and ever so slightly shook his head. "Do you want to see what happened?" After a small nod, Jen took him up to the CCTV room to watch the tape.
It was played. Ant looked at the man destroying the wall, his face in utter shock.
"I...I... Never did that. I can't remember. Why? Why can't I remember?"
"Think. What happened when I asked you to open up more?"
"Something, but I don't know what. It's black. Like the dream. I can't open the door. I can't see what I did."
"You got angry, aggressive, and very violent."
"Was anyone hurt?" Was all Ant could reply with.
"Other than a few beaten walls, no. But you have to remember. You are blocking it out, like the door. I'll help you open it but only if we can stop you blanking out." Ant was paying no attention.
"So how often has this happened?"
"You have an episode at least once a day, but they've been increasing. You have to learn to control them now. It's lucky you're here after one so we can talk about it and this should help you when the next one happens."
"Jen, I think I've had enough for today. Can I go email Dec please?" Jen nodded and Ant walked towards the door. Just as he pulled on the handle, Jen spoke.
"Ant, do you know that Dec doesn't get the emails, that you're not sending them to him?" Ant fell silent.
He bowed his head and whispered "Yeah, I know. Just makes me feel like I still have him."
"Where is he?"
"Away, hiding, free. He's everything I'm not."
And with that he slowly walked out the room. Jens heart sank. She knew how hard this was going to be for Ant when he realised what had happened. He was holding on to Dec with everything he could and soon it wouldn't be enough. Lisa was all he had left, but he didn't really have her anymore. Not knowing what was going on was probably the best thing for him.