AHHHvengers!
Presented to you by Tony Stupid and Loser Laufeyson.
You have been warned.
That's your warning.
No, really. That's your warning.
CHAPTER ONE: THOR, ABRIDGED.
Our story begins with a giant ass-crater in the ground. In some honky town in New Mexico. But unlike our crappy town, actually has wi-fi in their crappy coffee shop. Bitches.
Jane: There's a giant ass-crater in the ground!
Darcy: *ten minutes of utter silence* Oh. You're right. *looks off into space*
Erik stands there pondering when he turned into the kind of creep that hangs out with 20-something women.
Meanwhile, a few hours ago in Asshat, I mean Assgard, er.. Asgard... Yeesh.
Odin: Blah, blah, blah, king, blah.
Thor: RAHHHHHH! TESTOSTERONE! LOUD NOISES!
Loki: I wish I was adopted.
(Spoiler alert: You are.)
Odin: Thor Odinson. I bestow upon to you this hammer. You will go to Home Depot and BUILD ME A DECK FIT FOR A KING!
Thor: WE DON'T HAVE A HOME DEPOT ON ASGARD!
Odin: ...RONA, then.
Loki: ...Can I help?
Thor: BABY BROTHA, NO! THIS IS A MAN'S JOB.
Odin: SILENCE! Thor, do you swear to use only pressure treated wood and the finest wood stain?
Thor: I SWEAR!
Odin: Do you swear only to use DeWalt and not Black & Decker power tools?
Thor: I SWEAR!
Odin: I, Odin the Allfather, proclaim you: Builder of my deck.
Suddenly, Frost Giants invade Asshat, raiding the blue bar fridge- er, Tesseract.
Odin: *releases the hound- oops, Destroyer.*
Destroyer: Dick off! Get your own beer! *Blasts*
Thor, Odin and Loki enter to assess the damage.
Thor: THEY BROKE INTO OUR WORKSHED, STOLE ALL THE BEER AND LOKI'S JUICEBOXES! I WANT TO KNOW WHY!
Odin: Bec-
Thor: AND THEY BROKE THE FOOSBALL TABLE!
Loki: Gurl, you be trippin'.
Thor: *TABLEFLIP*
Loki: U mad?
Thor: IT IS UNWISE TO BE IN MY PRESENCE, BROTHA!
Loki: U real mad.
Thor: I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE A BITCHIN' PARTY TONIGHT BUT THEY STOLE MY BEER AND BROKE MY FOOSBALL TABLE! NOW WHAT!
Lady Sif and the Three Stooges come in.
Volstagg AKA Gimli: *observes flipped table and food on floor* ...I was gonna eat that.
Loki: Well, you know, you could always crash their party and steal their beer, but you didn't hear it from me.
Thor: I LIKE THIS!
Lady Sif AKA Xena: This is juvenile, and ridiculous, and your father's gonna ground your ass!
Thor: SILENCE! WE'RE GOING TO PANDORA TO CRASH THEIR PARTY AND STEAL THEIR BEER! THAT'LL SHOW THOSE... BLUE PEOPLE!
Loki: Can I come?
Thor: BABY BROTHA, NO! THIS IS A MAN'S JOB!
Loki: But-!
Xena: Let him, come, Thor, or he'll tattletale on us. Won't you, tattletale?
Loki: I most certainly would not... DAAA- *Hogun clamps mouth shut*
Thor: FINE. GET HIM A HORSE.
Our merry band of idiots and Loki ascend onto Pride Street. Er, the Rainbow Bridge. Eh, same difference.
Heimdall: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!111111111
Loki: But you don't even know where we're going yet...
Heimdall: You're not dressed warmly enough. You'll catch a cold. Put on a scarf.
As they enter Pandora via some contraption that runs off of some form of electricity, they see a sign posted on a rock. It reads, "PARTY AT FLUFFY'S HOUSE. BYOB."
Fandral AKA Westley: This party blows. There is no music. And where are the bitches?
Fluffy: Who are you?
Thor: THOR ODINSON.
Fluffy: I don't know you. I didn't send you a Facebook invite.
Party guests start to ascend.
Hogun AKA Jackie Chan: Uh, it's not looking promising on the bitches. What we have here is a sausage fest. You'll fit right in here, won't you, Loki? *smirk*
Loki: Just what are you implying?
Westley: *whispers* GAAAAAAAYY.
Loki: Says the man who preens in front of the mirror for two hours every morning?
Westley: At least I wash my hair...
Loki: It's not my fault there's never any hot water left, thank you, THOR.
Thor: ENOUGH! YOU THEN, FLUFFY!
Fluffy: It's actually Laufe-
Thor: FLUFFY! FOR STEALING MY BEER AND DESTROYING MY FOOSBALL TABLE, I HEREBY CHALLENGE YOU TO BEER PONG!
Fluffy: That's hardly a challenge, you're all lightweights. Especially that one. *eyes Loki* Though I could be wrong. *eyes Loki more* I instead challenge you to a game of strip poker.
Loki: We accept your- wait, what?
Thor: AGREED!
Loki: ...Thor? I don't think that's a good idea...
Thor: ACCEPT, IT, BROTHA!
Loki: ...Oh, dear...
The game ensues.
Westley: Has Thor really agreed for us to play strip poker with a bunch of dudes?
Jackie Chan: Yup.
Westley: Cool beans.
Loki sighs, reaching for deck of cards.
Thor: BABY BROTHA, NO! THIS IS A MAN'S GAME!
Loki: Sif is hardly a man.
Xena: *loud booming belch* I resent that.
Westley: She's the only pair of tits at this party. I need something to look at. *gets eyed* What? I'm not Loki...
Time passes, game ends. Sif is the winner, still the only one fully clothed, aside from Loki.
Fluffy: Fuq.
SUDDENLY!ODIN.
Odin: RAHHH!
Thor: FATHER! Hi.
Xena: You squealed!
Loki: I did not. I wasn't even present.
Xena: Why are your lips blue?
Loki: What? I don't know, I was making out with that guy over there. Maybe he was wearing blue raspberry lip balm.
Westley: You ARE gay!
Loki: I suppose I am, why, does that turn you on?
Westley: Ew, no. I'm a tit man. And let's face it, your brother has more tit than you.
Loki: My brother is a tit.
Odin: ENOUGH! You are all grounded, I've already informed your parents.
Random blue guy to other random blue guy: What's with the eight legged spiderpony?
Fluffy: What happened to you, Odin? You used to be cool.
Back home, on Asshat:
Odin: GROUNDED!
Thor: BUT FATHER!
Odin: GROUNDED! No TV, no phone, no internet! And I'm taking away your horse!
Thor: NOT FAIR!
Loki: Daddy-
Odin: RAHHHHHYUGTFRDESWR!
Thor: THEN LOKI IS GROUNDED AS WELL?
Odin: LOL no.
Loki: *trollface*
Thor: BUT FATHER, HE WAS THERE AS WELL!
Odin: Yes, but he was not naked.
Loki: *sticks out tongue defiantly at Thor*
Odin: You will go sit in a corner in Midgard and think about what you've done!
Thor: FATHER, NO! *gets banished*
Loki: Does this mean I'm the favorite son now?
Odin: LOL no. You little shit.
Loki: :(
Meanwhile, in Middle Earth:
Two young girls and an old guy hit a dog. OH NO, WAIT! That's Thor! We Tarantino'd you, didn't we? :D
Back up in Asshat:
Loki: Is there something wrong with me, daddy?
Odin: No...
Loki: Then why did my lips turn blue when I was making out with that blue boy at the party?
Odin: What?
Loki: What?
Odin: Fuq.
Loki: *deadpan* What.
Odin: Fine. You're adopted. We wanted a kitten, so we searched on Craigslist, and Fluffy had put up an ad, but when we went to the end of Fluffy's driveway to see what kittens were left in the 'Free to good home' box, you were all that was left. I'm sensing there might have been some mistake.
Loki: WAT. So you just TOOK me, THINKING IT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL FOR A SMALL INFANT TO BE IN A CARDBOARD BOX! FOR FREE! WHAT PART OF YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD, SANE IDEA! TELLLLL MEEEEEEEEEEEE! Did you not think for one second that my actual parents might have wondered where I went?
Odin: They put you in a cardboard box at the end of a driveway, it didn't exactly cross our minds.
Loki: NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU CLAIM TO LOVE ME, YOU ALWAYS WISHED YOU GOT A KITTEN INSTEAD!
Odin: No. You are my son.
Loki: LIE LIE LIIIIIEEEE! *yells Odin into a coma*
Some time later, Loki is sitting in the throne.
Loki: Now that Thor's gone... I get to have HOT showers! And I get to EAT! Dessert, even! I get to choose what's on the TV, I get to stay up past my bedtime, and I don't have to share my room any more! And now that Daddy's asleep and I am king, I hereby instill the new order: COOKIES FOR BREAKFAST! No man, woman, child, or beast is required to eat their vegetables! Curfew has now been bumped to ELEVEN THIRTY PM! ...Twelve o'clock on weekends. So you can all bring your urgent matters to me. Because I am a big boy. And I can handle it.
Westley: You still sleep with a nite lite. And you suck your thumb.
Loki: SILENCE! You insolent stupid head!
Xena: So does that mean you can unground Thor?
Loki: Gurl, please.
FAST FORWARD THROUGH TIME AKA THE PART OF THE MOVIE THAT DOESN'T PARTICULARLY PARTAIN TO LOKI.
Something about humans, Loki sends Optimus Prime after Thor, Phil: son of Coul shows up, if you squint you'll see Clint for two seconds playing Angry Birds, some het soup going down, Midgardian stuff, and free wi-fi.
And everything was all hunky dory except for the part where Loki got beat up by Thor, got yelled at by Daddy, and thus decided everyone was a big mean stupid poopyhead and ran away from home.
TBC! Reviews make Loki happy!