Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Fullmetal Alchemist…nor do I own the Cincinnati Mills mall
Once upon a time in central a short tempered alchemist named Edward Elric sat on the bench waiting for colonal roy mustang to arrive with his new assignment.
Edward: Damnit Roy! When the fuck are you gonna get here!
Al: Brother please don't get angry….just try having a bit of patience will ya?
Ed: Screw you! You giant heap of recycled garbage I am going to look for him on my own so don't bother following trash heap!
Al: (in tears…wait what tears? he is made of metal, that can't happen lets say he is upset…..yeah lets go with that) Brother…..! How can be so mean? I thought we were in this together as comrades! Forever brothers! Never to separate! NOOOOOOOOOO……….!
Ed: Will you shut up! I have to know my assignment before I am in a heap of--
Roy: Yo!
Ed: There you are!
Al: (wimpers)
Ed: Tell me my assignment!
Roy: I am afraid that the man named Richard who works at the Cincinnati Mills Mall has fallen ill and he needs someone to work in his place…..
Ed: Okay that doesn't sound so bad….what is his job anyways?
Roy: He is "Santa Claus"….
(long dramatic pause followed by the sound of "Dum-Dum-Dum")
Ed: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Roy: Like it or not Fullmetal you are going to put on this costume! (pulls out Santa suit and starts to wrestle Ed and tries to put it on him)
Ed: No! Ah! He is trying to undress me! Rape! Rape!
Old Lady: How dare you try and molest that little boy you perv! Kyahh! (screams and does karate kick to Roy hitting him in the head)
Ed: Yeah! Go grandma! (blows raspberry at Roy)
(a UFO lands near the scene)
Alien: Hi my ship just landed and I wanted to make pea- Omigod! what are you doing to that little human! (runs onto ship and blasts away in fear of violation)
Roy: (is being kicked by old lady's panty hosed leg) No Miss! I am not trying to harm him!
Old Lady: What were you trying to do then…(wraps legs around Roy's neck) And it better be good! (squeezes)
Roy: (trying hard to breathe while being squeezed by the old lady and the fact that his head was in the place where it was) Uhh…egg….ma'm he is volunteering to….be "Santa Claus" for ….the ……children…(goes into a coma from the smell)
Al: Ah! Uh….Roy? (looks puzzled)
Old Lady: (loosens grip then turns to Ed he jumps at the sight of her glance) That is so nice of you young lad! (skips cheerfully away) I haven't given up on the youth yet!
Ed: Yeah so much for that (rubs head) at least I don't have to dress up as Santa now…come on Al!(begins to walk away)
Roy: (in a zombie voice) Put…the costume on or we'll both loose our jobs…..(face darkens as he frowns unpleasantly)
Ed: (turns blue in the face) Meep!
Al: hee-haw!
Roy: (hands the costume to Ed) Now….go Santa! Go!…hey that could be a catchy song…Go Santa! Go! Fight to save the day! (sings)
Al: Go! Santa!
Ed: (sweat drops) uhh…..okay….? (goes to phone booth to change)
Al: I can see you!
Roy: Nice Underwear! So he does wear boxers…and here I thought he was a 'brief' kinda guy………
Ed: (blushes and lets out fits of muffled screams from the door) Stop looking at me damnit! (puts Santa suit on)
Little Kid: Mommy why does Santa have a metal arm?
Mother: (looks confused) uhh…erm….a reindeer bit it off……so they had to replace it…..oh and by the way it was Rudolf
Ed: (is now fully in suit) Okay now what….(feels humiliated)
Roy: (claps hands) Yay!
Al: (sniffles) brother….you did it….
Roy: Now….(puts Santa hat on him) you go to your spot! (points to a big shiny red chair in the center of a winter wonderland with a long line of children clinging to their parents chanting and whining about wanting to see Santa)
Ed: (his face looses color)…….
Al: Oh…my…
Roy: (chuckles evilly) Have fun! (smiles and strolls away)
Review if you think I should keep this going or tell me to stop……please! Criticize away!