Because I Can't Stay Away

Inspired by The Veronicas: I cant stay away

I own nothing.

I haven't written anything I a very, very, long time, so please go easy on me

His voice is still ringing in my head from our last argument. We fight, that's just how we work, but they never went this far before. I know that it's dysfunctional and unhealthy and everything that I should be running from.

I know that it's wrong, but I can't stay away

But most of our fights, I don't even remember how they start, but that's ok. We both know that as soon as he storms out the door that we are both sorry. And when he would slide into bed wrapping his arms around me, me pushing myself further into his embrace, we knew that we had already forgiven each other.

And I know what they all say, but I can't stay away

There has always been an obsessive side to him, I know that. I knew that from the very beginning.

And I know that I'm addicted

But I have never, ever, been afraid of him. Until tonight.

And I know that I should leave and never return

But the last four months of our relationship, the yelling, the accusations, have become less and less of a rarity.

I know that before you I was numb

First, it was the father of a patient that sent flowers after I had helped his 17 year old daughter struggle, and eventually overcome her depression. The card read, 'Thank you Dr. Haruno for giving me my little girl back. With all the gratitude I possess, J. Carlyle.'

I was lonely and you made me feel alive

I knew that he was having a stressful time at work, having to deal with the merger between his family's investment firm and one owned by and old college rival. And then to see me come home with a card and flowers that he knew didn't come from him. I guess that it just pushed him over the edge.

I know that we go up and we go down

But then it was about the very nice thirty-something year old widower in the neighboring apartment asking if I could watch his son for the evening. He never had a problem with my watching Vaughn for Dan before, but for some reason he know thinks that Dan is trying to get into my pants. By using his six year old son. That's just sick.

And because of what we had

And if I ask him what the hell his problem is, he only yells that he doesn't need to be psychoanalyzed like one of my patients before he slams the door behind him and I don't see him for days on end.

And because of what we were

I'm such a hypocrite. If only my patients could see me now. Sitting in my shower, arms wrapped around my legs just trying to hold myself together; the now luke-warm water raining down on me.

I can't stay away

Look at me. I can fix everyone else, but I can't even pretend to have some semblance of control over my own life.

What had changed from when you'd wake me with a kiss?

What the hell kind of shitty psychiatrist am I?

Or from when you would just hold me when my head was a mess

Today it all started because I was supposedly smiling a bit too nicely to the delivery guy as I handed back his clip board with my signature and accepted the letter with a 'I hope you have a nice day too'.

It seemed like it all came naturally

But as I turn off the now freezing water and wrap myself in a robe to accompany my self-pity, I look at the still sealed manila envelope. I open it, hoping that it could distract me, even momentarily from my self-destructive thoughts.

And I can't stay away

And there are pictures. So many pictures.

And I can't stay away

I drop them to the floor as the tears of hurt and pure disbelief well up in my eyes and run down my cheeks just to fall onto those damned pictures.

And I can't stay away

Through my blurred vision I barely see a note peaking out from among the pieces of my destroyed heart caught in every image, in every picture.

I wish I could leave and never return

'I'm so sorry. I didn't know' was all it said.

From the way the ink is smeared I guess that she was crying when she wrote this. I bet she felt remorse. I bet she's the blonde in all the pictures doing… doing…

And I can't stay away

…all those things in all of those pictures with the one that she loved… the one that I loved…

And I can't stay away

…was the reason he blamed me, the reason for his accusing me of being unfaithful…

This is wrong

…because his own conscience was eating him alive.

We were night and day

All the nights I wondered what I was doing to drive you away.

I'm addicted

All those nights that I blamed myself.

Now I'm conflicted

And now I know…

And I can't stay away

I lock the door; the bag I just packed is sitting at my feet. I close my eyes for a moment, trying to gather strength. When I open them, I know that what I'm doing is right.

And I can't…

On the same piece of paper that the mysterious blonde wrote her message to me, I left mine to him: 'Please Garra, please just

…stay away.'

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