Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or Sarek, but I *do* own T'Shan, Selenik, Satuvek and T'Nik.
A/N: This is a one-shot featuring my OC from The Vulcan's Wife and Unification, T'Shan, but you do not really need to have read those to read this. This idea has been bothering me for awhile, so I finally decided to write it. A big thank-you to TeaOli for betaing and assisting with the Vulcan words.
For those of you who read Covert Operation and Unification, I will hopefully update those soon, now that I have this out of the way and my muse is content.
And also... if you are the teary type, you might want some tissues for this.
Sunrises
The Vulcan sun rose slowly into the cloudless sky, casting the tall structures of the great city into shadow while painting the east in shades of purples, oranges, pinks and golds. The expanse of desert that stretched between Shi'Kahr and the caves glowed in the early-morning light.
Wrapped in a thin blanket, T'Shan sat in the entrance to a cave, her gaze unfocused. Shimmering waves of heat were already rising to blur the silhouettes of the distant buildings. Closing her eyes, she drew her knees against her chest and hugged her arms around her legs.
Vulcans are not supposed to hate. It was illogical to hate anything, especially something such as the sunrise, which was both necessary and devoid of sentience. But hate it she did.
Sunrises reminded her of him.
"Mother."
The voice roused her from her sleep. Although her lips did not turn up in a smile, she felt a warmth rise inside her at the familiar sound.
"Satuvek."
"It is almost dawn, Mother. You promised to take me out to the ruins at sunrise."
T'Shan opened her eyes to find her son standing beside the bed, watching her with solemn, dark eyes. He was dressed already, and when he extended two fingers to form the ozh'esta and she met them with her own, she sensed his excitement.
"I did," she replied, sitting up. The room was still dark, Selenik only just stirring beside her, no doubt roused by the voices of his wife and son. They were both usually awake by this time, but in a rare display of affection, they had spent the night indulging in the form of intimacy only two bondmates could know.
"You must come also, Father," Satuvek said, tugging on his father's arm. "Mother would never admit it, but she wishes for you to come."
Selenik sat up and looked over at T'Shan, one corner of his mouth lifting in a very un-Vulcan display of amusement. "If she wishes it, I will come."
Soon, they were all dressed and they set out from their small home on the outskirts of Shi'Kahr. The eastern sky was tinged green as they trekked across the desert, over the rolling dunes and past massive natural stone formations. In the distance, the jagged remains of an ancient building jutted into the lightening sky; by the time they reached it, the sun was rising in earnest.
"Look upon this sight, Satuvek," Selenik said, leaning down to pick up his son before stepping on top of a large fallen pillar to give the five-year-old a better view. "This used to be a weapons factory, but it was destroyed in a battle many years ago. It has been left standing from our days of barbarism to remind us of all that we have to lose."
T'Shan stepped onto the column to stand beside them. Below, the ruins were painted in reds, oranges, pinks and golds from the light in the east. The remnants of the ancient structure were a jumbled mass of stone pillars and walls, broken steps and a caved-in roof, all half-buried in sand.
"Tell me again about the wars, Father," Satuvek pled. "About how Surak died on Mount Seleya from radiation poisoning."
T'Shan looked sharply at her husband. "You should not tell him such gruesome tales," she scolded him over their bond.
One corner of Selenik's mouth lifted again as he apologized across the mind-link, but when he stepped down off the pillar, she distinctly heard him say, "Perhaps later, sa-fu, when your mother is not around."
Despite her annoyance, she felt the ghost of a smile cross her lips.
T'Shan hugged her legs tighter, trying to push the memories away. From behind her, she heard a moan.
"T'Shan..."
Opening her eyes, she unfolded her limbs and stood. She made her way into the dark depths of the cave, to the very back. There, on a pile of blankets spread over a pallet, lay her husband.
Sinking down to her knees, she took his head into her lap. Although his Pon Farr had passed, she still felt the chaos that was his mind through the bond; it was a jumble of thoughts and feelings, completely unlike the soothing, ordered mind she had once known.
"Rest, Selenik," she said quietly.
He buried his head against her and let out a shaky sigh. "Satuvek," he murmured, grasping her hand tightly. "I should not have let him go."
T'Shan squeezed her eyes shut again, stroking Selenik's hair as she tried to will away the memories threatening to overtake her. She failed.
Sunrise again. The meditation chamber was bathed in the colorful light of early morning as Satuvek stood in the entrance, facing his parents with his back straight and shoulders squared with resolve.
"I am going on the kahs'wan," he announced.
T'Shan and Selenik glanced at each other over the swirling tendrils of smoke that rose from the incense pots. They had known this day would come, but still found themselves unprepared.
"You are sure?" Selenik asked. T'Shan felt his uneasiness; the kahs'wan, as every Vulcan knew, was dangerous - but they could not refuse his desire to take it.
"I have meditated on it all night. I am decided, Father," Satuvek said, drawing himself up even straighter. He looked over at his mother. "I know you are worried, Mother, but I promise I will return." Then he took a hesitant step forward. "There is a custom humans indulge in that I have read about. Sometimes, it is used to wish good luck."
He went to Selenik first, wrapping his small arms around his father and squeezing tightly. He then went to his mother and repeated the action. When he had pulled away, the parents looked at each other, bewildered by this strange display of affection.
"We wish you well, my sa-fu," T'Shan said once she had recovered.
"We are confident that you will return, Satuvek," Selenik said.
Satuvek nodded. "As am I. I will see you again soon, Father, Mother."
He turned to leave the meditation chamber. T'Shan watched him go with growing unease.
"Ashau t'nash-veh k'tu nem-tor," she whispered.
Selenik reached over to touch her hand, sending her waves of comfort - but as the door closed behind their son, she felt a terrible sense of foreboding.
Selenik stirred in his slumber. T'Shan now lay beside him on the pallet, and his head was pillowed on her stomach. She stared at the dancing flames of the candles sitting on the cave's stone shelves. Without noticing, she continued stroking her mate's hair.
"T'Shan..." he mumbled, stirring again.
"Do not speak," she ordered. "You must regain your strength."
In truth, she could not bear to hear him speak their son's name again, and she knew he would.
Swallowing, T'Shan closed her eyes. The memories began to play in her mind's eye again, like a holovid stuck on repeat.
Satuvek had been gone two weeks. They set out at sunrise to find him, the sands of the desert stained blood-red in the crimson light. She, Selenik, Sarek and his mate, T'Nik, struggled through the hot desert, calling for him, looking for any signs that a Vulcan child was nearby.
It was Sarek who found him. He had gone ahead with T'Nik to a heap of nearby boulders. When T'Shan and Selenik approached, the Osu emerged from behind the huge rocks.
"Stay back, T'Shan," he said quietly, touching her arm gently as he steered her away.
"You have found him?" T'Shan clutched at her master's arm, well-aware of the panic that was evident in her voice, but no longer caring.
Sarek did not respond; his eyes were trained on the ground. From ahead, there came a piteous moan - it was not a Vulcan sound, she knew, but she had to see...
She stepped around the Osu, ignoring his admonishments for her to stay. Selenik beside her, they ran toward the pile of rock.
Her breath was coming in sharp gasps by the time she rounded the corner. Both she and her bondmate stopped short as they took in the scene.
Before them lay a le-matya, its breathing labored as it struggled to move; two of its legs seemed to be broken, and a bloody lump on its head suggested it had been hit by a rock.
But T'Shan's gaze was immediately drawn to a much smaller figure that lay in the shadow of a boulder some ways away.
"No," she breathed, taking a step forward. She almost stumbled; Selenik reached out to grab her. "No," she repeated, an unfamiliar ringing filling her ears as she shook off her husband's hand and stepped forward again. She staggered across the clearing, her eyes riveted on the small body; when she reached it, she fell to her knees. "No," she whispered again, laying one shaking hand on the boy's face.
She felt nothing from him: no pain, no fear, nothing. His eyes were closed, his chest not moving with the breath of life. When she lay a hand on his side, she did not feel the beat of his heart, only dried blood from the gash on his chest.
The dam broke.
"NO!" She felt tears coursing down her cheeks, but did not care. She rocked back and forth on her heels, tears falling onto the still body of her son as she took him into her arms and held him close, his head cradled against her chest.
Her heart was breaking, a deep pain spreading throughout her entire body. She felt as if half of her had just died.
She saw movement out of the corner of her eye as Selenik dropped to his knees beside her and laid his hand on Satuvek's forehead. His hands were shaking, and from the bond she felt his pain, matching her own.
"Satuvek," Selenik murmured, shaking him as if he were only asleep. "Satuvek. Do not worry your mother like this."
T'Shan buried her face in the boy's hair. "He cannot be dead. He promised to return."
"Let him go, T'Shan," Sarek murmured, placing his hand on her arm as he knelt beside her on her other side. "He is gone."
"T'Shan," Selenik said hoarsely. When she looked up, she saw that his own eyes were tinged green, but no tears had fallen. He seemed to have regained part of his composure, but he struggled for breath as he said, "We knew the... the dangers... when we let him go. He did too. We should not... should not regret letting him go..."
From their bond, she felt his lack of conviction. His breathing was almost as labored as the le-matya's. He reached for her hands, prying her fingers from their son's robes and gently lowering him to the sandy ground.
"No," T'Shan whispered again as Sarek helped her stand. "He... he cannot be dead."
T'Shan squeezed her eyes shut, her eyes burning with unshed tears. I will not let them fall, she told herself. I will be strong. I will be logical. I will be Vulcan.
Still, a single tear leaked out of the corner of her eye as she clutched onto Selenik.
The wounded le-matya moaned again behind them. Selenik stiffened; from the mind-link, T'Shan felt... anger, hatred... and a deep pain that only she shared.
"He is dead, T'Shan," Selenik whispered, finally seeming to believe it himself. "That beast killed him."
Before anyone could stop him, Selenik reached for the dropped lirpa he had brought with him for protection. He stood from his place beside Satuvek's body and turned to the le-matya. As he approached it, T'Shan realized what he was about to do.
"Selenik - no! Let the beast suffer!" she said, breaking away from Sarek's grip.
"Selenik," Sarek said, also stepping forward. "Do not do it. You are in great pain, but the le-matya was acting as all le-matya do. You cannot kill it for being what it is: a predator."
"It killed my son," Selenik said, his voice deadly calm as he neared the creature. The le-matya growled threateningly. "It killed my son, and I will kill it."
He raised the lirpa over the le-matya's neck.
"No!" T'Shan cried, stepping forward - but it was too late. The lirpa fell, and with one yelp, the le-matya was dead.
"T'Shan..." Selenik moaned again, burying his face against her. "I wish to make things right. Will you let me...?"
She opened her eyes. "No, Selenik. Do not ask."
"If we could just try... one more time..."
"No," T'Shan whispered, her voice breaking. "No, Selenik. We cannot try again."
He always asked. Every seven years, in the midst of Pon Farr, he asked. But every time she said yes and they decided to try to mend their relationship, things would become as they had been before; both husband and wife would not even be able to bear speaking to one another.
"T'Shan... my love for you has not changed."
"Vulcans do not say such things," she said quietly.
"Vulcans also do not lie," he said, raising his head to look up at her. His hair, once black as night, was now streaked with silver. His face, once so young and handsome, was now lined from the pain he kept hidden within himself.
Selenik had handled their son's death far worse than T'Shan had. She grieved - oh, yes, she certainly grieved - but she had found an outlet for her pain in caring for the S'chn T'gai family. Selenik had buried his pain, kept it locked within him. It ate at him, clawing at his insides, slowly poisoning him over the years.
She wished she could blame his current emotional instability solely on Pon Farr, but she knew it would be a lie. The Vulcan healers had told her that his mind had been slowly unravelling from his own inability to manage his pain; he was becoming mentally unstable. Soon, the Selenik she had known and loved would be as unreachable as their son.
"Have your own feelings changed?" he asked, reaching up to touch her cheek.
T'Shan turned her face away from his fingers. "It does not matter, Selenik. We have tried, many times, to repair our marriage. We cannot try again. I refuse to allow us to endure such suffering again."
Selenik's eyebrows drew together, the lines of his face hardening in both confusion and hurt. His hand dropped and he rolled over to face away from her. T'Shan felt a stab of pain in her side, but she too rolled over to stare at the rough wall of the cave.
The plak-tow had broken during the night, and soon someone would arrive to take them away from the caves. Then everything would go on as it should. Selenik would leave, and she would go home to the S'chn T'gai household. She would not see her mate again for another seven years.
Part of her still loved Selenik - and that part would always love him. That part wanted to attempt a reconciliation. But the practical side of her - the logical side - knew it would not work. Could not work. She had learned to exist without him.
It hurt. But that was the way it had to be.
XXXXXX
Vulcan Vocabulary:
sa-fu = son
Ashau t'nash-veh k'tu nem-tor = Love mine with you take (My love goes with you)