Discovering My Identity

Chapter 1 : Words are spoken

A/N : This is another story I am working on. It deals with sexual discovery/bisexuality. I wanted to write a story that really goes in depth with someone who is figuring out that they are bisexual. I feel like a lot of people think bisexuality is a phase. Either they think it's a gay person who's afraid to come completely out of the closet, or they are sluts who just want to bang anything because they want to play the whole field. This story is slightly inspired by the John Paul and Craig storyline in Hollyoaks. There are major differences though. If you haven't watched it I highly recommend watching it. I haven't watched it since 2009 so I'm actually gonna watch it again. If you want to watch it on youtube. (The username is kimbaforever)

Disclaimer : I don't own Big Time Rush or any other recognizable copyrighted things. If I did own Big Time Rush, I would be able to finally meet them IRL. I also don't own some of the dialogue. Some of the dialogue will closely resemble the dialogue on some of the episodes of Hollyoaks.

It's a lovely Friday morning at McKinley High School. All the students are excited because the weekend is just around the corner. Especially when Kendall Knight, the most popular guy in school, plans on throwing a killer party tonight. He's the guy that all girls want to be with, and guys want to be. He's also dating Jo Taylor; the most popular girl in school. They are like the school power couple, and are also called the "perfect couple". They have been dating since Freshman year and haven't broken up once. The only person that probably knows Kendall more than Jo, is his best friend Logan Mitchell.

Kendall and Logan have been best friends since Pre-K. No matter what happened, they always stuck by each others side. Even when Kendall became popular he never left Logan behind. Sure people always wondered why Kendall would associate himself with the nerdy brunet. But for Kendall, he could never end his friendship with Logan. Logan had been there for him during his worst year ever. When he got beat up by his father, when his parents got divorced, when his father almost got full physical custody of his sister Katie. That year was tough on him, but Logan helped him the whole time. He would come over to his house and hug him, and let him cry on his shoulder. To be honest, Logan was the only person to ever see him cry. Not even his parents did. He thought it showed weakness and he didn't want other people to view him as weak.

Kendall had this feeling that something was wrong with Logan. For the past week Logan has been acting weird. He would talk less than usual. He would constantly be busy, which meant that they couldn't hang out as much as they usually did. He didn't even want to go to the party tonight. Something was bothering Logan, and Kendall was determined to figure it out.

It's lunchtime when Kendall could finally talk to Logan. Since Logan was really smart, they didn't share any classes together. When he enters the cafeteria, he sees the brunet sitting at their usual table. He goes straight to the table so he can talk to Logan. When he sits down, he notices that Logan is not all there. He's just pushing the food around on his plate.

"Logan, earth to Logan. What are you doing?" Kendall asked.

"Oh. Sorry Kendall. I was just thinking about something." Logan said quietly. Kendall could sense that Logan didn't feel like talking, but he was his best friend. They should tell each other everything.

"Well to help take your mind off of it, you should come to my house tonight? I'm having a party. My mom and sister won't be home. Come on Logie, live a little. I can tell something is bugging you. Just come tonight and forget about it. Let your mind be stress free for one night." Kendall was trying to convince Logan to go. He needed him there tonight. He hasn't told anyone else this, but he has some suspicions that Jo is cheating on him. If that is the truth, he's gonna need a shoulder to cry on. He's gonna need Logan tonight.

"I'm not sure Kendall. You know I don't like going to parties. I'm very socially awkward, and the only person I could talk to is you. I know that you'll want to hang out with Jo all night, so it's best if I just stay home tonight."

"Please come Logie. I promise I'll hang out with you. I won't be with Jo all night. I'll make sure of it. It's our senior year, so have some fun… okay."

"Fine, but you better hang out with me, or else I'll leave. I guess it will help me clear my mind." Kendall was ecstatic when he heard Logan's answer. He actually agreed to come to the party. He was sort of shocked that Logan agreed, but he wasn't gonna argue about it. Logan and Kendall just chatted for the rest of lunch. Jo had a different lunch, so lunchtime was always just Kendall and Logan.

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. Kendall and Logan decided to head to Kendall's house right after school so they can get the party set up. All that needed to be done was to party proof the house. That's the thing most people forget to do when they throw a party. Once they were done party proofing the house, they decided to get ready. Logan was too lazy to go home to change, so Kendall lent him some of his old clothes that were too small for him. After they finished getting ready, it was nearly time for the party to start.

The party was in full swing and everyone was having a good time. There was tons of snacks, beverages, mingling and dancing. Kendall stood true to his word and spent most of his time with Logan. They were having so much fun, until the thing the blond feared most had happened. There on the other side of the room, he saw Jo kissing Jett Stetson. At that moment, all he sees is red. He's boiling with anger and starts marching himself over there, then pulls Jett off of Jo. Kendall is about to throw a punch, but Logan pulled Kendall away from the fight that was gonna occur, and one of Jett's friends did the same to Jett.

"It's not my fault you can't keep your girlfriend happy" Jett yelled at Kendall. Kendall was furious at both Jett and Jo right now, but mostly towards Jo.

"How could you do this to me?" Kendall angrily asked Jo. He was a good boyfriend, and he honestly didn't know what he did wrong. He didn't know why Jo would cheat on him. Especially in his own house, where he would obviously find out about it eventually. Jo just stood there quietly.

"Kendall just walk away! You're so much better than her! So much better." Logan intervened.

"What are you talking about?" Kendall asked Logan. He was confused at why Logan had said that. He stared at Logan, waiting for an answer. He never got one. Logan just decided to run. He was out the door in a flash. Kendall immediately followed him, wanting to get an answer. He thought this might have to do with why he was acting strange lately. When he finally caught up with him a few houses over, he saw that Logan was crying, leaning against the street light.

"Logan. What's gotten into you?" Kendall asked.

"You don't want to be around me." Logan murmured while sobbing.

"You can't say things like that and run off." Kendall stated immediately after Logan spoke.

"Kendall, just leave it." Logan was not in the mood to talk about it. The issue here was something very personal. He didn't want to ruin their friendship over his issues.

"Why did you say Jo wasn't good enough for me?" Kendall had asked. He felt like Logan was keeping something from him.

"Please don't make me say." Logan couldn't even look at Kendall. He had turned away from him hoping Kendall couldn't see how sad and depressed he was at the moment.

"Look at me…" Logan continued to face away from Kendall. "Look at me…" Logan was still ignoring Kendall. "LOOK AT ME!" Kendall held on to Logan and turned him around to face him. "What do you know? Did she cheat on me?" Kendall wanted to know if it was more than just the kiss.

"No!" Logan answered.

"Who was it then. It was Dak wasn't it? She cheated on me with Dak." Kendall was trying to figure out what Logan was keeping from him. He was running out of options/ideas.

"No! I don't know." Logan was telling the truth. He hoped Kendall would just drop the subject.

"Then why are you like this? Tell me what's going on."

"I can't."

"Tell me Logan." Kendall was being very serious right now. He wanted Logan to tell him what's going on. Logan was trying to keep his emotions in check. He wiped the tears out of his eyes. He couldn't avoid it any longer. He was gonna have to tell Kendall what's been on his mind.

"You really want to know?"

"Yes"

"You really want to know why I think you should split up with Jo?" Logan asked. He wanted to make sure Kendall wanted to know for certain.

"Yes. Yes I do."

"It's because I'm jealous. All right. Whenever I watch you with her, it kills me, because I want to be the one that you're laughing with, and you're going home with." At this point Kendall's face was stoic. Logan was trying to fight more tears. He paused for a few seconds before continuing. "When I'm not with you, I think about you all the time. And then when I am with you, I feel like my heart's gonna burst." He paused again to catch his breath. Then he finally spoke the words that were on his mind for the past couple of weeks. "I'm in love with you. Kendall, I'm in love with you!"

Logan couldn't handle being near Kendall anymore. He didn't even want to hear what Kendall had to say. He ran off down the road; his house was his destination. When he finally got home, he went up to his room and broke down crying. He felt like his world was falling apart at the seams. He didn't know what to do anymore. He just told his best friend that he loved him. He didn't know how he was gonna face him on Monday. He just hoped he didn't just ruin his friendship with Kendall. Kendall was his only friend and without him, Logan didn't know how he would be able to live.

A/N : So I hoped you enjoyed the first chapter. I originally wanted a kiss instead of a confession, but I felt that a kiss would turn off Kendall completely. I wanted Kendall's first kiss with Logan to be consensual, not forced on him. Like I also said it's inspired by the "McDean" storyline. It's gonna be similar but not the same. There will be lots of drama in this fic, so don't assume you know what's gonna happen. "McDean was actually the first ship I ever shipped. It was in 2008 when I discovered "McDean", then BTR happened in 2009 so I forgot about it. That's why I was inspired to write this type of storyline for a BTR fic. Hope you have a wonderful day.

-simpLEEreading