Why me?

By Astra Angel8965

Disclaimer: It's my dream to take over Joss Whedon's job...

Author's note: Takes place after Cordelia and Oz catches Willow and Xander making out in the factory post-"Lover's Walk". Is before Cordy meets Anya, and is told in her POV.

Feedback: I'd love you forever if you do review...

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I love him. No, loved. Past tense.

God, how could Xander do that to me? After all we had... Didn't that mean anything to him?

I'm Cordelia Chase! The one boys in Sunnydale High dream and fantasise about!

Worse yet, after I caught Xander with Willow, I had turned and ran. Then the floor collapsed, and I was punctured through with that sharp metal stake. God, I really thought I was gonna die... How could I die after seeing him like that?

Sometimes I think there is no God.

When I was in the hospital, I did a lot of thinking. I mean, Willow isn't prettier than I am, and not as vivacious, so why did Xander choose her?

I suspect this was going on a lot longer than that. I mean, Xander and I- we hooked up while we were trapped in Buffy's basement waiting for bug-man to go away. Out of no where, while we were arguing, we just kissed. Total sparkage moment.

We decided to keep our 'relationship' a secret- making out and groping in the janitor's closet, mostly. Then, Willow found us making out behind a bookcase. I mean, I understood her hurt, at the time- they are since practically forever. They totally go way back.

I was so touched when Xander gave me that pretty silver locket, but I was already on the rocks with the Cordettes, who were giving me a hard time 'cause I was dating a 'loser'. So in one confused moment, I gave it back to him. I knew he was hurt, but I had no idea he was gonna try a spell. A love spell! I mean, yeah, I know he was trying to do that so he could dump me, but still... I was kinda touched. I realized, yeah, I do loved Xander, so I gave the Cordettes a piece of my mind about who I could and couldn't date. Ever since then, they ignored me, and I did the same to them.

Then, that awful day happened. We were worried about Xander and Willow, and I was in Oz's van. He told me he could 'smell' Willow's fear- kinda cool side affect for being a werewolf. I knew that wherever Willow was, Xander was too.

So we were there, and we broke the door down. I was totally elated at seeing Xander, that for a single second, I didn't see what was in front of me.

A movement of pink, the sound of kissing... What? Oh my God, Willow and Xander!

"Oh God," I said. My lips were trembling, and I fought to control myself. I didn't need werewolf senses to know that Oz was also painfully hurt.

So now here I am. Sitting on my bed, meticulously cutting up photos of the Scoobies. Me, Xander, Willow. All smiling and grinning idiotically at whoever was holding the camera.

I light the match, and I pick up Xander's portion of the photo. I see his face disintegrate quickly. But still, destroying every item that reminded me of him still doesn't sooth the pain in my ripped-up heart.

I hear the phone ringing, and I know who it is. After a few rings, the answering machine comes on, and I hear Xander's voice come on, pleading for me to come on and talk to him. As if. He says he wants to apologize. I ignore his voice. After this, I've gotta make sure to erase all of his messages and block his email address from mine.

I'm going to pay him back.

Xander's gonna pay, and I'm gonna do everything in my power to make sure he hurts.