Beyond Darkness
By Kea
For my Kal Kally
Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go and its characters does not belong to Kea or me.
Pairing: Akira/Hikaru
Summary: Hikaru was waiting in his room, but would the one he was waiting for come to him?
Kal: This fic is a gift fic of a friend for me. It was written in a different language. Since I like it very much, I ask her to let me translate it into English. This is really a nice fic.
A/N I so hate the quick edit of fanfiction . net. It forces me to use the long line for switching scenes. And so many inconvenient things too. After having to change the layout and some of the content of the fic to fit with the change of the layout, after struggling with QuickEdit of this site for about half an hour, I feel like to scream.
I lean to the wall, stretching my arm out. The darkness in the room swallows me up. I can hear clearly even the rustling sounds of clothes.
And the beating sounds of my own heart.
I lean to the wall, stretching my arm out. The five fingertips are just vague shapes in darkness.
Darkness overwhelms me, from the inside.
Darkness imprisons me, from the outside.
I hear clearly the beating sounds of my own heart...
The feeling of being left behind is such a fearsome monster.
Devouring me. Dragging me away.
o... ... ...o
"I'm Akira."
"I'm Hikaru."
Without understanding why, I remember the moment I first met him at the Go Salon. I hadn't known that he wasn't any ordinary person like me.
I remember the moment I realized that. His passion burnt so brightly in front of me in the rain.
His love for Go... his serious and determination... Everything was so unfamiliar. I was confused. I was surprised. Yet I couldn't deny that because of him, a strange flame started to burn within me.
The flame that is named 'passion'.
In Sai, I know there also existed just that same flame, but the closeness between us hadn't allowed me to touch that flame, only to stand watching it from afar.
The flame that is named 'passion'...
This feeling is a storm, taking me far away. Subconsciously, I've been chasing after him tirelessly.
Even until now...
Akira. An rival. A friend.
The one I will always respect.
Akira.
o... ... ...o
I lower my arm and let myself relaxed. I rub my hand on the mattress. The rustling sounds can't pierce through the thick silence.
Lying down, I stare up at the ceiling. So dark.
I know the lights from other buildings are till brightening the night with their soft light at the other side of this curtain.
I know the sky is falling the first raindrops of autumns.
But here inside darkness, waiting is choking me. It feels hard to breathe.
The monster of loneliness is growing inside me little by little. How long will it be until it tears my skin and crawls its way out?
Waiting is choking me...
To think that I don't even know what I'm waiting for...
Outside, it's raining.
o... ... ...o
The door bell rings. I don't know how long it has been since I fell asleep.
My head feels heavy, I stay silent, waiting, knowing that soon waves of unknown emotions will fill it up.
My body feels heavy. Just like every time I woke up in the past week.
The more I think about it, the more it feels that going to Akira's house that day was a mistake. The greatest mistake that I've ever made in life…
I had thought simply that it would make him and me closer. More than a rival… what I really want is to be his friend.
The morning passed by normally that day. But when noon came, it seemed that I had made some mistake. I didn't know what it was, but I could feel it though the way he treated me.
A little angry... a little cold...
In the end, torn by confusion and hurt, I treated him that way too. Angry and cold...
Lying on the bed, I don't feel like sitting up. I'm tired, both physically and emotionally. The funniest thing is that I don't even know what I did wrong.
A sigh escapes my mouth. Is that how the relationship between Akira and me has always been? Just like a tenuous thread that can break at any moment...
No, maybe the friendship between us has been more than that. But one way or another, both of us are letting it slip out of our hand.
The door bell rings again.
Someone is calling. I'm not sure, but the voice seems familiar.
I close my eyes. Why should I care? The call is not for me.
o... ... ...o
So tired...
Standing up, I walk into the bathroom.
The cold water wakes me up completely.
I look at the mirror. A pair of eyes is staring back at me. The eyes of a stranger...
This morning, the distance between me and Akira has become so much that I even didn't say his name when he walked pass me.
It seems he didn't care too. He just continued his way expressionlessly.
Loneliness mixes with the feeling of being abandoned. That monster within me is feeding on anger and hurt.
Since I met Sai, I have always been afraid of this feeling, I have always been running away from it. I know it would destroy me eventually.
Now it has built in me to the point that I can hardly stand it. Just like the tumultuous thoughts that fill my head each time I think of him...
I want to get rid of it.
But it just grows stronger day by day. And I can't deny that partially, I had wanted this feeling to become this strong.
The thought makes me shiver.
I could hate him.
I slam my fist to the wall. Blood oozes out from the place where I bit my lips.
If he just needs a rival, there will be thousands of rivals for him. The world of Go does not exist with just two people.
I'm not the only rival...
...that he will face...
o... ... ...o
The door bell rings. In the small bathroom, the sound echoes somewhat painfully.
Like a sharp knife, it pierces through my heart.
I wash my hands again and splash the cold water on my face.
How long must I keep the habit of maintaining a calm and cheerful facade... so that no one will see the pain that burns inside this body?
Sometimes I wonder if he realizes that.
The door bell continues to ring.
I will have to open the door.
And be disappointed again...
The one who comes will always be the one that I'm not waiting for.
Waiting is draining me...
I'm not the only rival that he will face.
o... ... ...o
The footsteps on the wooden stairs sound heavy, just like the feeling in my heart.
The door is just in front of me.
Listening to the noise outside, I know that it is raining heavily.
The person at the other side of the door slams at it.
Calling again.
Shouting my name. The familiar voice is filled with emotions.
Darkness disappears in that moment...
Akira...?
The end.