Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or characters!

My First Fanfic - Be gentle! But I am open to all reviews good or bad. Will be multi chapter :) The italics are flashbacks

Based after season 8 finale.

WARNING: May have graphic flashbacks/sexual content (Not sure yet, haven't written the next chapters)

McGee had been staring at his computer for what felt like hours until he was interrupted by the noise of the elevator, Ziva slowly made her way to her desk looking so drained that the mere thought of taking one more step exhausted her.

"Morning Ziva"

She found it hard to smile, but forced it anyway "Good Morning McGee" sitting down she immediately noticing the absence of her partner. It was eerily quiet, and had been since the P2P killer was caught. In need of a distraction Ziva began to open her drawers to find something to do. Staggering through her drawers she was confronted by the blue velvet box Ray had given her, she was surprised that disappointment was now available in such compact form. The elevator doors open interrupting Ziva's thoughts, she turned and saw and the vision of a man who was wearing her favourite pressed blue and white striped button down shirt with such perfectly fitting pants - he must have forgotten his jacket Ziva thought to herself.

"Morning Probies" Tony announced before sitting down.

Ziva couldn't help but breathe him in and be intoxicated by the subtle mix of coffee, cologne and that smell all men seem to have, it was the perfect blend. She closed her eyes and rubbed her face to try and hit back to reality "Good Morning Tony" she finally replied, hoping he did not notice the fact she was still in yesterdays make up, she looked back down to her open drawer and empty box, and left the bullpen locking herself in the ladies room.

"I am a mess," she thought while looking at her wild dark hair and what looked like suitcases under her eyes. The world felt as if it were spinning out of control, her face was on fire and her palms were soaking wet, she turned on the tap and stood motionless in front of the mirror.

The burning face, acidic blood, and no hope.

Those green, green eyes.

"You thought I was dead? Then why are you here?"

I am ready to die. I will die. Cold. Alone. The tear stained cheeks, scars fresh. Those cold, cold hands.

Frozen and scared she couldn't move the water started to spit out of the sink onto Ziva's clothes. The memories of Somalia had recently been flooding back since the death of Mike Franks. I should not be here, Ziva thought. Mike is dead, I am here, I was kidnapped, so many times and he is dead. Turning off the tap Ziva patted her face "This is ridiculous" she said aloud and went back to the bullpen

The team already had their gear and were heading to the elevator, following suit Ziva hurried into the elevator and stood with her back to the team, trying to hide her shaken hands and pale face.

They arrived at a dark warehouse where a lieutenant was brutally beaten and killed and had been tied to a pole. Ziva bagged and tagged, McGee took the photos and DiNozzo asked the gas tenant across the street a number of questions.

"Excuse me McGee, I am just going to check the perimeter" Ziva's head was still spinning she tried to balance herself but could feel herself slipping off the edge of the world.

"You okay?" Tony had appeared out of nowhere

Ziva stammered for the right words while trying to catch her breath, eventually she spoke "Tony… how long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough to know you're only pretending to work" He smiled

"You would know what that looks like, would you not Tony?" she tried to smile, failing miserably.

Tony rolled his eyes and put away his notepad

"You never answered the question"

"I have work to do Tony, and I would suggest you do the same"

Ziva tried to walk past him before he touched her shoulder to stop her; Ziva shuddered and turned toward him as he put his other hand on her shoulder. "Ziva" he sighed. She was frozen, she wanted to so desperately run away but her feet were cemented to the ground. "Is there a point to this Tony?" she finally asked

Tony shook his head and Ziva took a step in toward him before calmly asking him to let her go.

Tony began to release his hands from her shoulders sliding them down her arms and briefly touched her sweaty hands, it took all his energy to let go of her, in that moment they were standing so close he could hear the strain in her breath. He looked down at her intently before she opened her mouth.

"Tony…"

"You're free now Ziva"

She was motionless, Tony figured he had to make the first move and stood in closer, focusing his eyes on her and then walked away, leaving Ziva standing in the heat wanting to pass out.

They had been back in the Navy Yard for some time, McGee had gone home and Gibbs was on his hourly coffee run. Ziva was trying to finish her work, but could not even begin to focus.

Those calloused hands, her dirty skin. The barbed wire. .. Her purple ribs, his sunken electric shocks. That taunting bloody fists, those crooked teeth. Her naked body, bitterly cold and still.

Each memory flooding back as quick as the last Ziva was hypnotized by the nightmares of her past.

"Ziva?"

Flinching at the sound of her own name, Ziva looked back to Tony.

"Yes,uh well I will see you tomorrow Tony" she gathered herself picked up her belongings and tried to look as normal as possible

"You sure you're okay?"

"Of course Tony, it is late, I should go."

Tony was suddenly standing in front of her.

"I am just tired, it has been a long day I just need some sleep" Ziva wasn't exactly lying; since Franks had died she had nothing but nightmares and sleepless nights.

Staring into her deep brown eyes that were filled with sorrow, Tony asked one more time

".okay?"

"I am fine Tony, now please move so I can go home"

Shifting from his position Ziva squeezed past him got into the elevator and breathed a sigh of relief to be out of there.

Forgetting where home even was Ziva stopped into the bar closest to her house, sitting at the bar she habitually ordered shots of tequila, until a man was standing over her

"Rough day huh?" Mike Franks sat down next to her

"I must be drunker than I thought"

"Trust me Ziva, you're drunk, but not that drunk."

"How..Why are you, with me, I do not understand?"

"Ziva, I know we weren't close, I'm just doin the rounds, why are u so troubled by this?"

"You should know since you are a "spirit" or something?"

"Ziva I am just your way of coping, I only know as much as you do"

"So you are not real?"

"I 'm as real as you need me to be"

"I, this is crazy"

"You are alive for a reason, Ziva, it was my time"

Ziva shook her head and tapped her glass for another shot

"Memories of Somalia huh?"

Ziva shrugged her face was dewy from the heat and alcohol.

"You just gonna sit there?"
"I am trying to figure all this out, I have done, bad, horrible things, I should not be here, why are you dead? And why am I alive? So many lives, yet I am spared?"

"Ziva, you can't question that, you've been through a lot"

"I don't know what's happening to me"

Mike looked at her and took her shot of tequila

"Why has this never happened before?"

Mike got up from his chair, kissed Ziva's head and disappeared.

"Where are you going?"

"Where is who going?" Tony was approaching her

"Never mind" she responded, not surprised that Tony had followed her.

"Can I have what she's having?" the bartender served up two tequila shots

"You mind if I sit with you?" Tony asked, even though he was already sitting down.

"It is fine Tony"

"So why are you here, alone, drinking.. Talking to yourself?"

Ziva looked down at her tequila and didn't respond

"Okay we will sit here and not talk, or maybe I'll just talk or whatever" Tony said smiling

"Ziva?"

She looked terrible, pale and sweating her shallow breath.

"Yes" she finally replied

"Should I be worried?"

"No"

Tony went to rub her back before she winced and shut her eyes tight.

He was back, the door shut loudly, staring at her licking his lips. Cold and loud, suffocating in silence.

"Hey…"

"I am sorry Tony I need to go" she finally spat the words out and finally opened her eyes

"You can't drive like this"

"No offence Tony, but I can take care of myself"

"I know, I'm still driving you home"

Tony paid the bill as Ziva stumbled toward the exit, they approached his car and he opened the door for her. Ziva insisted she was fine, Tony agreed and said it was for his piece of mind that she arrived home safe. It was dark, and Tony did not even put on the radio.

"Franks death hit you hard huh?" Tony finally said breaking the silence

"It has been hard'on everyone" Ziva slurred out, her words were running together

"I know… but you just seem, troubled, I guess"

"We are all troubled Tony"

Ziva lent her head on the window and started going in and out of consciousness Tony sighed and kept driving until pulling up to her apartment building

"Ziva" Tony said trying to wake her "we're here"

Ziva woke suddenly grabbing Tonys neck before realizing "I am sorry Tony, of course, thank you for the ride"

"Can I walk you up, I uh need to use your bathroom?"

"Very well" Ziva responded, seeing right through him.

They got out of the car, Ziva held herself looking like she was about to be sick swaying from side to side. Tony stood in front of her; she began to look up at him in the dimly lit street. He meant well she thought, but she couldn't help but just want to scream at him and tell him to leave her alone.

"Tony" she said as she exhaled "You.. you should go"

"I know, I will soon" he smiled warmly and took her hand up to his arm "Come on, let's go"

The elevator doors opened, they began taking the journey to the top before the elevator jolted, went black and stopped immediately. They were stuck in the elevator alone. Ziva sat down trying to calm herself.

That tiny dark room. Suffocating. Breathe, breathe, breathe.

There was no signal on Tony's phone using it as a torch he began looking for the emergency phone until seeing Ziva sitting in the corner her head in her knees. He sat down next to her rubbing her back. "Hey it's going to be okay, we'll be out soon."

"Just stop talking" Ziva mumbled

"What is going on with you?"

"NOTHING!" Ziva sat upright hastily. "I don't need saving Tony! Just leave me here okay you need to just LEAVE! Never wait for me, or come after me, or wonder about me PLEASE!"

"What the hell is this all about?" Tony said trying to be calm but was so thrown off, he stood back up distancing himself.

"YOU! You are ALWAYS trying to interfere.. Do you know how many people in my life are DEAD and I'm still here!"

"That makes you a survivor Ziva! You shouldn't be resenting the fact you're alive!" Tony was yelling but couldn't stop himself "Franks was a capable man! These things… They just happen, it's tragic and horrible, but it does not make your life not worth living!"

"I can't be this person anymore, you should have left me to die!" Ziva was spitting her words as if they were venom.

"I SHOULD HAVE LEFT YOU TO DIE? Oh I see it now THANK YOU!" Tony's words were coming out of his mouth faster than he could think. "Lets just turn back time shall we, and I'll leave you there and you can be tortured and I will live my life HAPPILY ON, JESUS CHRIST ZIVA!"

Ziva stood up and glared at him her jaw clenched shut they were both out of breath.

It had been years since Somalia, and somehow Frank's death prompted something inside of Ziva bringing these memories back. She was so thankful for Tony and the rescue, yet now she was resentful. They were facing each other their hearts racing fueled by anger.

"How did we get here?" Tony said exhaling

The humming of the elevator started up again and the lights turned back on. They arrived on Ziva's floor, not looking away from one another, tears welling up in Ziva's eyes. It hurt him to see her like this, it hurt him even more that she didn't value her life. He wished she wouldn't push him away. Ziva broke her gaze and shook her head, tears rolling down her face. Tony wanted to so badly to hold her in his arms and make the pain stop, he wanted to kiss her hard and show her what her life meant to him, he wanted to give her back the strength she once had before it was robbed from her. Ziva was looking down holding her head until looking back up to Tony. They had to leave the elevator but were both paralyzed.

Those green, green eyes. His perfect face, bruised.

Ziva inched closer to Tony, so angry with herself, so angry with him for caring. She could feel his warm breath on her, his lips started to part "Ziva" Tony finally said.

Ziva did not shift her gaze this time

"I'm leaving" Tony said, "Maybe you do need some time to yourself"

Ziva stood silently, bitter and angry their eyes meeting each other and breathing heavily. "Then you should go" Ziva said reluctantly. In that moment she realised she wanted him to stay.

I would love reviews, let me know what you think! :)