AN: I was listening to Greg Laswell's "Your Ghost" and BBMak's "Ghost of You and Me" and this is what happened lol It's kinda of sad but review and leave me feedback because I always love that =] Also, you guys should check out both songs if you haven't already!
Disclaimer: I do not own glee or it's characters. If I did Faberry would be canon.
You can't get to sleep. The candle you have lit, that was meant to sooth you only casts an eerie glow, making it harder for you to close your eyes. It's times like these that you pray for night to be over. It's only in the darkness when her memory haunts you. This house is painted with stories of the two of you and every night they come out to play like still frames across the rooms, giving you no respite. Her smile dances in the lights that are cast upon the shadowed walls by the moon. Sometimes you think you can hear her. Calling out your name. Her laugh echoing in the stillness. Sometimes you hear her footsteps down the hall. They're distant, almost non-existent, like phantom ships lost at sea. That's how you know it's all in your head. That she isn't here anymore. She's not with you anymore. You didn't mean to fall in love with Rachel, but losing her was worse. You would trade your happiness any day just to get her back. Now all you have are the memories that you keep close to your heart. Now all you have is the ghost of her.
You really don't know what to do anymore. She's in everything you do, everyone you see. The both of you were so intertwined and now that she's gone, you don't know how to function. Everyone tells you that you need to let go. That you need to let her go. But you can't. You feel like if you do, you're betraying her somehow. You want her to know that you still love her. That you still care for her. And how can you do that if you let her go? You feel like you've been cheated. Like you've been robbed of what was rightfully yours. She was yours. Rachel was yours and she was taken from you too soon. Too quick. You just wish that the night would be good for something and use the stars to guide her back to you.
It's too quiet. You can hear the silence ringing in your ears. It's the loudest you've ever heard it before. So as the candle blazes, the flame dancing in the cool draft, you place your feet on the hardwood floor. You pad your way through the darkened hall, every step you take another memory unfolding, until you reach the telephone. You haven't done this in a while. You try not to because it only sends you two steps back from the five you took forward. But tonight you can't help it. Not when the only thing you see behind your eyes is her smile and when her voice is swimming around your head. You pick up the receiver and dial Rachel's old number. It's the only way you can actually hear her voice besides the one that plays on repeat like old movie backtracking inside your head. It rings, sprinting across the wire, trying desperately to reach someone who isn't there anymore. Trying to wake her ghost. It goes straight to voice mail and you smile at her greeting. You found it tedious and obnoxious before but now, now its like your life line. You listen intently to the way her voice rises and falls in your ear and the misery coils deep in the pit of your stomach. Because you miss her voice. You miss her. So much sometimes that you can't breathe.
"Please leave your message at the dial tone..." You take a deep breath, the tears beginning to sting your eyes, as you sink down to the floor next to the piano that was always the background music to your days together. You pull your knees to your chest, trying to feel some kind of warmth over the cold, numbness you're use to feeling.
"Hey Rachel," You begin. There are so many things you'd like to tell her if she were here. But most of all, you'd like to tell her that you miss her.
"God I miss you. So much. I feel so empty without you. I feel so alone now that you aren't here." You choke out between the sobs that quickly take up the silence. The ache in your chest is killing you. That hole where your heart use to be begins to throb a familiar rhythm as you try to catch your breath.
"This world is a big place but it never felt that way when I was with you. Now everything just feels so much bigger. I feel so much smaller without you by my side. And I find myself just stumbling through my days, trying to convince myself that I'm not alone. That there are people that still love me." You run your fingers through your hair with your free hand, releasing a breath as your elbow comes to rest on your knee.
"I know that there are people that still love me. But it doesn't compare to you loving me. Every day I try to tell myself that it'll be okay. That I'll be okay but I don't believe it. I try so hard to but I don't. I know you would want me to but how can I? How can it possibly be okay? How can I still believe that there's magic in the world when the only real magic in my life was you and you aren't here anymore. I just wanna believe again Rachel." You wipe at the tears, trying to force them away, but it's no use. You're unraveling here.
"You know I was thinking about it the other day. How someone can be there, this huge part of your world and then be gone in the blink of an eye. No questions asked. Just stripped away." You say, flinging your arm for emphasis. Because you're angry. You're angry because it's so unfair. To you. To her.
"I think it's bullshit Rachel. I really do. It's sad and it isn't right at all. Then after it happens, you're just expected to move on. To deal with it. You're just suppose to go back to the way things were, to the person you were before something you loved so much was taken away. I can't do it Rachel. I don't think I can do it." You say, shaking your head. Because you really don't think it's possible for you to do that. To be happy when she isn't the reason for your happiness.
"I can't do that because I don't even know who that is anymore. I don't know the person I use to be without you. How am I suppose to go back to the girl I use to be before you died when I don't know who that girl is anymore? All I know is this broken, vacant girl instead. I'm suppose to be happy and laughing and telling jokes. But I can't. Because I don't have any jokes to tell. There's nothing funny about this. How can I possibly open my mouth to laugh when you can't anymore? It isn't fair. It's not fair Rachel." You pause, exhaustion tugging at your eyelids. You can see speckles of blue and red tinging the sky outside the bay window in your living room, signaling early morning dawn and you sigh.
"Those days are gone. The days that use to come so easily. The days I took for granted. The days I took you for granted because I always thought you would be in my life. They're gone. And I have to constantly tell myself to feel happy, that I'm alive, that I get to fulfill whatever fucking destiny I was meant to fulfill, but I don't feel happy. And on the occasions that I try to remember what being happy feels like I can't. I don't feel anything. I feel numb." You run your hand across your forehead out of frustration.
"I never thought I'd have to feel this. I never thought I'd have to go through this so soon. I thought we had forever Rachel. And that's where I was wrong. I didn't realize that our days were numbered the minute I decided it was okay to be in love with you. And the minute you decided it was okay to love me back." You can hear the ticking of the clock that's hanging right above the mantel and you glance at it. The numbers are blurry from the tears that are clouding your vision but you know it's late. Or rather early. And you know that in a few hours you have to start pretending again. You have to face life when really all you want to do is stay on the phone, hoping that somewhere Rachel can hear you.
"I know you're gone and that you aren't coming back but I still miss you. Every day I miss you. I just wish I could see you or talk to you. Hear your voice. I'll try to be strong for you. I know that's what you would want me to do. You would want me to be strong and live life like it's meant to be lived. Like it'll be gone tomorrow. I've come to realize that in this life, we are only given a certain amount of days and we should get the most out of them. I hope you did and I swear to you I will try to do the same. No matter how hard it hurts to do it without you. I'll try for you." And you know you will try for her. You could hear her now, getting on you for even remotely thinking about giving up. Rachel Berry was a lot of things but she was never a quitter. So you'll try to take a page out of her many novels. For her sake and your sanity.
"I love you. I don't want you to ever forget that. You will always, always be in my heart and always in the back of my mind. I just hope that wherever you are, you can hear me." You finish, an exhausted sigh lacing your final words, and then you press the end call button on the land-line. You blow out your breath and wipe the remnants of tears from your eyes. You've never felt so tired in your life than as you do right now. You shakily pull yourself to your feet and place the phone back on the cradle. The sun is starting to rise and you're thankful for the daylight. It always seemed to keep your demons at bay. You make your way back down the hallway and into your room. It's dark in there, the curtains pulled shut refusing to let the light in. You notice that the candle is still burning, an orange glow with the wax burnt to a nub. You pull back the covers and slide in, the chill something you've gotten used to since she's been gone. Once your head hits the pillow, you feel the exhaustion pull at your eyelids urging you to go to sleep. You know its what you need to do too. So before you can get as comfortable as you know you can get, you lean over to distinguish the flame of the candle. But there's no need to because without reason the flame flickers out on its on. There's a warmth in the room, one you're familiar with and you smile. It's the first real smile in a long time and it's because you know she's with you. That whether you feel it or not, she'll always be with you.
"I love you," You whisper into the stillness and even though your ears beg for a response you don't get one. But you're okay with that because you know that she can hear you. You pull the covers over you and give in to sleep. You know that things aren't magically going to be fixed tomorrow, or that the dull throb in your chest will ever go away, but what you do know is that even though she can't be here that Rachel is with you. And that's enough for now to get you through the day.