So I haven't written or published a Castle story in forever. This is actually only the second one I've ever published. As many others have as well, I've had mixed feelings towards the show for the last season, and I have mixed feelings towards the series finale. That being said, I have managed to let go of most of my anger that I've had towards the show over the last month or so, and decided to watch it today to start my weekend. I watched 7.01 Driven, and then this story pretty much spilled out of me, deciding to sit and write it all in one go. I remember when I watched this episode for the first time wishing that they'd extended that final scene a bit more, but I understand they had already done a lot in 40 minutes and were pressed for time. I have used a couple of lines from the episode but I obviously do not own them, or the characters Kate and Rick. I hope you enjoy it.
/
"How did you not lose hope?"
His voice is genuine, he can't understand how she possibly went through another difficult time in her life, this time without him to support her through it. She knows he's beginning to understand how it's all impacted her.
For the last few days she'd stuck to the evidence, falling into her role as an investigator and leaving her emotions behind, for the most of her. It had been easy in the hospital, and out in the field searching for answers. But now, standing in their room that they share, she can't hide any longer. She's barely been in this room over the last few months, choosing to stay at her place where there are still memories of him, but there are less. It had been the environment she'd needed to keep working after leaving the precinct, to keep going through the night.
She can see the concern in his eyes, something she's worked hard not to notice since he's been back. She doesn't want him worrying about her, not when they still need answers. Not when he's the one who suffered and has no recollection of it.
"I did lose hope." She admits. "But I'd get it back. Developed rituals in order to hang on to it."
"Like what?" He asks.
She gives him a small smile. "It's stupid, it really doesn't matter."
"I'd like to know." He tells her. She can never resist him when he smiles at her like that.
"I would stare at your photo on the murder board. And I started thinking that if I would look at it long enough every day that that would keep you alive." Her voice quietness with each word so that by the end, she's almost whispering.
Castle walks around to sit at the foot of the bed, moving closer to her.
"Well, I guess it worked." He says softly.
"And then I had this thing about your chair." She keeps talking, unable to stop the flood of words now that she's started telling him. "I wouldn't let anyone touch it. And then a night janitor came by, tried to move the chair, and I freaked out and I almost shot him."
Rick chuckles shortly, but his expression turns sober once more when he catches sight of the pain in her eyes. He holds his hand out for hers, wordlessly urging her to come and sit beside him.
She accepts his palm and sinks into the bed beside him. Her face finds the space between his shoulder and neck, and before she knows it, tears are streaming down her face faster than she can stop them. She knows Rick can feel them on his skin as his grip around her tightens.
"I had a murder board in my apartment again." She chokes out. "I couldn't just let everyone give up on you, and the department told me we had to move on so I took everything, and went back to my apartment and hung it up just like I did with my mom. And it was so surreal because we'd boxed it all up not that long ago, yet I was back there again. And this time I didn't have you."
"I'm so sorry, Kate." He tells her. She can hear the sorrow in his voice, and she wants to tell him it's not his fault, but she can't seem to bring herself to say the words.
"I still feel like I'm dreaming." She sobs against his chest. "I feel like if I close my eyes I'll wake up and you'll still be gone, and then one day I'll give up and accept that you died." She clutched at him desperately, as if she's afraid he'll vanish from right in front of her.
"Hey," he says firmly and gently all at the same time, lifting her face to his. "I'm here, alright?" He takes her hand and places it over his chest, letting her feel his heart beating under her palm. "Feel that? It's real. I'm here with you, and I'm never leaving you again."
She nods at him, eyes blurry with tears. She throws her free arm around his neck and pushes her forehead against his shoulder, letting herself succumb to the anguish of the last two months. Her hand remains on his chest, focusing on his steady heartbeat to ground her.
"Let it out, Kate." He soothes her gently, running a hand through her soft hair. "I'm right here, I promise."
"I missed you so much." Her voice is muffled from being pressed against his shirt, but he still hears every word.
"I missed you too." He tells her. "Because no matter where I was, or what I was doing, there is no way I didn't miss you."
They sit there, huddled together for awhile, before Rick gently tugs her up to the head of the bed, and settles her under the covers before climbing in beside her. He closes his arms back around her, because at this point he can't imagine ever letting go of her any time soon.
"I haven't slept in this bed in so long." She confesses. "It was too hard being here without you, and it was easier to work from my apartment, so I ended up staying there. I'd come and visit your mother and Alexis, stay for dinner but then go back. I barely came in this room at all."
His heart clenches at the image of his beloved Kate falling down the rabbit hole again, burying herself in a case once more, when she'd worked so hard to put those days behind her. He imagines her barely eating, barely sleeping, and his suspicions are confirmed as he realises her body is smaller than it was last time he held her. She's suffered and it's his fault.
"I'm so sorry, Kate." He says again, because he really has no idea what else to say.
She sniffles softly against his chest. "It's not your fault. You went through stuff too."
"Yeah, but not like this. I don't remember anything, but you had to deal with this each and every day."
The regret in his tone is palpable, and she turns her face up to meet his eyes.
"Please don't blame yourself." She begs. "You're here now, and I just want to focus on that."
He nods in understanding, unable to deny her anything. "Okay. What can I do to make this better?"
She shrugs. "Not much really. Just keep holding me. Remind me in the morning that you're really here and I'm not dreaming."
His chest clenches again, but he nods in agreement. "You've got it."
He can feel her body relax against him slightly, and he presses a soft kiss into her hair.
"Sleep now, sweetheart. I'll be here when you wake up, I promise."
"Okay." She murmurs against him. "I love you, Rick."
This time he has to squeeze his eyes shut to stop his own tears. "I love you too, Kate, more than anything."
Her hand squeezes his, and almost instantly, she's asleep, exhausted from the last two months.
"We'll be okay, Kate." He whispers into the silence of their bedroom. "We'll find our way home."