She had been doing so well.
The way things are right now, this is how we're going to need to stay.
She'd thought of that one in advance - liked the decisiveness of the phrase, yet the passivity, the obliqueness of it too somehow - and in the end she'd delivered it with a level of composure that couldn't have been more at odds with her actual emotional state.
But then, somehow, he was in her space and they were nose to nose. Somehow he was almost crying, and she was too, and they were clinging to one another's hands like they had no other anchor in the world.
Somehow, in a matter of seconds, that happened. And none of Rayna's stupid words could do a damn thing to stop it.
"Just come to The Bluebird, baby, and just sing with me," he murmurs, as she squeezes back the tears like a kid trying desperately to be brave. "Then tell me you're going to marry someone else."
Silent tears roll down her cheeks (another small battle lost), and she lets the words wash over her, lets her mind go blank. He is everywhere now, overwhelming her senses and she knows this feeling; she is drowning in him.
Forehead pressed against his, she breathes him in deeply, and tries, by some magic, to communicate all the things she can't say. A moment later, though, – for it was only ever going to be a moment – she steels herself. Shaking her head, she stumbles backwards to put a few paces of distance between them. Both hands automatically move to shield her eyes, as if in some vain attempt to make everything just go away, but it's no use – there can be no more hiding.
She has to face this now.
"We're not kids anymore, Deacon," she says hoarsely, sounding utterly exhausted all of a sudden. "We can't just go sing a song and damn the rest of it. You can't just come to someone's house on the night of their engagement and kiss them and propose to them."
He says nothing, just stands before her, open and ravaged, and the sight of him feels like it splits her heart open anew.
A muscle quivers in his jaw.
"You kissed me back, you know, Ray…" he says then, quietly.
"What?" she asks, but it's just a reflexive response. She heard him perfectly.
"Last night you… you kissed me back."
Rayna blinks, swallows, feels her heartbeat quickening, because of course she could deny it, but that wouldn't make it any less true.
"Well…yeah!" she blurts out in reply, her voice strangled and desperate now even to her own ears. "This is the thing, isn't it, Deacon? I'm probably always going to kiss you back. And you know that. By now, on some level, I think we both know that. But you don't have to take advantage of it!"
Deacon recoils, a sudden flash of anger in his eyes.
"You think I took advantage of you?" he asks, evidently in total disbelief at such an accusation.
She curses her turn of phrase. "Come on. I didn't mean it like that. You know what I meant."
"Am I taking advantage of you now?" he continues tersely, taking a step towards her.
Rayna holds up both palms as if in surrender - a sign that he has made his point - but he just keeps going undeterred - two more steps, three, until he's right in front of her again.
"How about now, Ray?" he mutters gruffly, leaning down into her, touching his fingertips to her upper arm, and she jolts backwards.
"Don't!" she says, an expression of raw anguish on her face. "Please, I can't" – her voice cracks – "I can't think when you…this is what I mean, Deacon. This. Just, please don't."
He pauses for a second, as though weighing his options, then backs off, gives her a little space. It's clear he doesn't think it's much of a solution, though.
"I'm gonna be around, Ray," he warns. "Just about every day I can be – picking up Maddie, dropping her off… Any chance we ever mighta had of cutting our losses is pretty much shot to hell now, don't you think?"
"Yeah, well. Pick ups and drop offs are one thing," Rayna says quietly, eyes downcast. "Teddy and I seem to manage that fine. This – between us – this is something else."
"Yeah," Deacon replies evenly. "It is. And if we both know that, then I guess I don't know what you want me to say here."
"I don't know either," she cries, starting to feel at the end of her rope. "But you're all I can think about, all the time – again – and I want it to just… stop!"
Deacon looks at her intently for a long moment, casting a hand across his stubble. He sighs heavily.
"Do you love me, Rayna?" he asks then, quiet and serious.
She looks up at the ceiling – anywhere, really, to escape his gaze. When he looks at her like that, it always feels like he can see more than she wants him to.
She blinks rapidly. "I just told you," is all she can manage, voice watery and fragile. "...It isn't enough, though, is it? It won't be enough."
His eyes widen, frustrated and impassioned once more, because he knows this part pretty well by now. "It's like I said –"
"No. Deacon," she cuts him off, unable to bear it any more. "You don't understand. I'm not fishing for some big declaration here. I'm not asking you to stand here and tell me all the reasons why you love me. Cause what I wonder," she says shakily, "is how it's possible that you don't hate me. Even a little bit? Someplace deep down that you wish didn't exist, and that you can probably ignore for a while – until every stupid fight we ever have, when you'll remember that I stole 13 years of your kid's life from you. And then I'll remember all the reasons why I thought I had to."
She exhales tremulously, needing to get this out now that she's started. "There's just too much pain, babe. For both of us, whether you admit it or not. Too much pressure. It would cripple us."
"You don't know that," he says obstinately.
"I know our track record," she replies, sounding stronger now somehow – more focussed. "And I know that if we tried, and this did not work, I couldn't get over it again."
She swallows thickly. "Seriously. Plus I got two girls who would be crushed – one of 'em in particular."
Deacon looks at her, his expression broken and beseeching. "And what if it does work, huh? What if everything we always wanted is right in front of us? Just come to The Bluebird," he tries again, but the fight has gone out of him a little, finally. "Just ...come."
"I can't," Rayna says, and he can see his own pain reflected in her face. "I'm so sorry. Don't wait for me."
He does wait for her, but she doesn't come.
A/N - I plan to start a new series, whereby I'll try and follow along and expand on Season 3. Some weeks I might post an imagined scene based on the promo, other weeks I might wait until after the episode and either do missing or extended scenes. I would like to have some readers, though! So hopefully some of you are interested enough to keep reading and review :)