AN: Merry Christmas Roadrunnerz. It's not really like anything we discussed but this is what came out. So you can have it if you want it.
S.C
Sophie Clarke twisted the handle of the front door and pushed it open a little but stopped there and knocked. This wasn't her house. It belonged to her parents. "Mom?" She called out loudly. Actually, it belonged to the Army, and it had merely been assigned to her parent's. It was massive; easily the biggest house on post and that was the whole point. It was all about prestige, appearances, how they were to be perceived. That was important to her parent's. But who knew what they did with all that space. There was only the two of them.
"Mom?" Sophie called again. She knew her mother was home. Sophie had text ahead before she travelled to double check she would be home today. If something had come up and her mother couldn't be there when her daughter arrived, then she would have text back to let her know. Jackie was always so very proper when it came to what was polite and socially acceptable. Those under the army umbrella often were, but her mother had an added sense of propriety – she was from one of those society families. Came over on the Mayflower types. Obligation and reputation were everything. Everything.
When there was still no response, and given the front door was unlocked, Sophie went in further. She dropped her duffel to the floor in the entranceway, giving a quick glance up at the vaulted ceiling. Wholly crap this place was impressive. Sophie went further, calling out again. She didn't want to startle her mother suddenly by appearing around a corner. She headed out to the back to check the yard and gardens but they were empty, though bright with sun and flowers. Sophie went back in, going from room to room on the bottom floor. When she still found no one, Sophie dared to go upstairs. She thought about calling her father but he was at work and he was very fastidious. An interruption would be nothing more than an annoyance.
The landing was quiet as Sophie stepped up from the last stair onto the plush carpet. There were several doors leading away, some open and some closed. Sophie headed to the end of the hallway, where she knew the master bedroom to be; where she figured her mother was. It was a good guess. The door was slightly ajar and Sophie pushed on it further as she went in. "Mom?" She said softly. There was a figure on the bed but it didn't respond. Sophie went over and when she stepped into Jackie's line of sight Sophie could see she was staring blankly into space. Then she blinked and came to and started to sit up a little, that immediately welcoming smile. But it was false to Sophie, who knew when her mother was putting it on. And that was her first clue that something was wrong.
"Sophie," that smile again. "Hi. Oh when did you get here? I would have met you. Why didn't you call? I've just been so tired at the moment I just needed a quick lie down. I wasn't expecting you so soon."
Verbal diarrhoea. Sophie knew that one too. It was a sign her mother was over compensating for something. She had gone from genuinely pleased to slightly embarrassed in a second. Sophie climbed on to the bed and shuffled over so she was close. She put her arm around her mother's shoulder in a hug and felt the weight of her mother sink against her. Relief. This wasn't good. Nor was her being in bed in the middle of the day.
Sophie lay down next to her mother and the older woman did the same and when they were level, and she could really look, Sophie could see Jackie looked tired and washed out. She didn't have any make-up on and even though she was dressed, she had not taken the usual care to put together an outfit that was flawlessly presentable.
"How are you?" Jackie asked, still smiling as she stroked her daughter's hair.
"I'm good," Sophie answered. "How are you?"
S.C
Kevin was on the phone when Sophie stormed in. She didn't knock. She didn't wait for permission. She stood in front of his desk, arms crossed, thunder on her face. Kevin gave her a surprised expression and then awkwardly told the person he was on the phone with, that he'd call them back. Sophie had the tiniest fleeting thought that the call might have been important, and she was being rude, but then she remembered the image of her mother, looking so incredibly... vulnerable, in bed, in the middle of the day, and she straightened her spine and waited for her father to hang the phone back up.
"Sophie," he greeted in his gruff tone. He moved stiffly, still getting used to walking after his accident, around the desk towards her. He expected her to go to his arms, she could tell, in the way he sort of held them out a little, but she just stood there. About half way, he stopped, finally realising that something was wrong. "What's going on?"
"Did you see Mom this morning?" Sophie demanded.
Kevin hesitated and reached down a hand to steady his fingertips against the desk. "Of course I saw your mother this morning."
"And how did she seem to you?" Sophie asked sharply.
Kevin let a puff of air out. "Fine. The same as she usually is. Why? What's going on?" His blue eyes gazed at her steadily but she wasn't sucked in.
"I arrived this afternoon and found her in bed."
"Is she sick?"
"I don't know," Sophie admitted. She uncrossed her arms, her emotion dissipating a little. She came in to accuse her father, but now that she was face to face she lost her nerve. And she realised she could be blowing things way out of proportion. Just because the last time she had seen her parent's and they'd had a fight about her father being a jerk, didn't mean things hadn't come right since Sophie had been away. Her mother certainly hadn't hinted at any more trouble since that night. Actually, when Sophie thought about it, she really had no idea how her parent's functioned in their marriage. It was not like it was something she was going to ask about. It certainly was not something either her mother or father would ever talk to her about. And she honestly had not been paying any attention until now.
Admittedly, she had been acting a bit like a spoilt teenager.
"Sophie, your mother is a very busy woman. I'm sure she was just tired," Kevin told her. His tone was patronising and it put Sophie off. He was probably right. That's about as much as Jackie had told her. In fact, the reason why Sophie was there now, in her father's office, was because her mother had fallen asleep and Sophie had snuck off. Now she felt foolish. "How are things with you Sophie?" Kevin went on and this time, she did go to him. She gave him a hug, squishing her cheek against the synthetic fire retardant jacket of her father's fatigues.
"I'm good," she responded softly.
S.C
Jackie was aware of voices, of light in her eyes and other distorted sounds in her ears. There were hands on her and she fought against them, shocked that someone was touching her and she couldn't seem to find a way to tell them 'no', she didn't like it. She was disorientated and a little scared; she couldn't focus on anything. Everything was kaleidoscopic and nauseating. She felt her stomach heave and hot thickness came out of her throat, spilling out of her with violent force; claustrophobic. Her muscles twitched and she quivered out of her control. She felt like the world was spinning slowly around her, or perhaps she was not standing still, no, lying, she thought she was lying down, but it was hard to tell. Maybe she was on a boat. What was that beeping sound?
"Jackie. Jackie can you hear me?"
Jackie groaned, couldn't seem to make her mouth work. She felt the distinct pressure of fingers on her ankles, and kicked out against them. Something must be happening to her. Someone was trying to do something. Something. Someone. A blur of pale skin in front of her vision. A woman, she thought. She reached up an arm, wanting to pull that face closer to see, but it was snatched down, out of the way and there was a sharp prick against the crook of her elbow, and she cried out, tried to squirm away, but there are hands pushing down on her shoulders, her feet, her hips, holding her down, trying to drag her away; trying to drown her.
"No!" She cried out, trying to lash, but she was weak, weak and they are many and strong. They got the better of her and she succumbed, sinking down into the haziness from which she just awoke. She could hear herself breathing and is disgusted. Is that what she sounds like? Muscle and tissue, sucking and pulling and then expelling. It's all she could hear, all she could feel, air rasping, rattling inside her. She was hollow, nothing but air inside; empty. Not worth anything. Not worth their time. She knew what they were trying to do. They were trying to bring her back. They were trying to fix her. Nobody could fix her. She was broken and weak and she didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve this. They don't deserve this.
S.C
It was Sophie who called him. And she was hysterical which immediately set him on edge. But he was trained to deal with fear and panic and so he was capable of shutting it down and calmly asking her what had happened. He could garner it was something to do with Jackie and that made his heart beat a little funny. He immediately got up from his desk and headed for the door, even while still on the phone with his daughter. He told his yeoman that he would be out of the office for a while and to hold his calls. When he was asked if everything was all right he says it's fine. It had to be fine. It was Jackie. Nothing ever happened to Jackie. She was the one who stayed at home where it was safe and he was the one who went riding off into the sunset on the back of an armoured light vehicle.
When he got to the hospital's emergency department Sophie was there alone. She was obviously very upset and she rushed into his arms like she used to do when she was a little girl; he has always been the hero. He comforted her for a moment and then pried her away to ask her what was wrong. Her blue eyes looked up at him, full of distraught tears and she gulped back a few more as she told him the story. She went to the store. Then she went home. She went upstairs to their room, where her mother was having a rest. But she wasn't there anymore so she went downstairs again and found her mother on the floor in the living room. She had been throwing up and wouldn't answer Sophie when she shook her, so she called the emergency services.
Kevin pulled his daughter against him again in another hug, told her she did the right thing but he wasn't sure what to think. Jackie must be sick. He felt a niggle of worry. Jackie was never sick. She was more a rock in their family than anyone realised. She was always there, always answered her phone, was never sick, was never distant. But if she was gone, well, then he wasn't really sure what to do. His family had always been just fine and it has allowed him to focus on his job. He still needed that. It better not be serious. He was just getting back on track after his accident.
He soothed Sophie a bit more and pushed her down into a seat. He told her he was going to go and find out what was going on and moved away, his gait still stiff from his spinal injury but getting better every week. There was a time when he thought he would never walk again. But he had shown himself to be strong; his time in the army was not up yet. He approached the nurses' desk and asked for information on his wife, Jackie Clark, but he was interrupted by the presence of Denise. She rushed towards him, a worried expression on her face. She asked him what Jackie had taken. Kevin stilled. "I don't understand. I thought she was sick?"
"She's taken medication of some sort," Denise looked equally confused. "She's overdosed."
Kevin felt his heart slow and his limbs got tingly; fight or flight. "She overdosed?" He found himself asking softly. Denise seemed to figure out he really didn't know anything and moved past him for his daughter.
"Sophie, honey," Denise sat next to her, her tone no less urgent. "Do you know what your mother took? And how much?"
As Kevin turned Sophie shook her head, still crying. "No. I don't know. There were bottles on the coffee table. The EMT's packed them up."
"Did she take anything else?" Denise pressed.
"No I don't know," Sophie whimpered.
Kevin watched on like he was in an alternate universe, looking in on a life that seemed familiar but was just slightly distorted. He couldn't make his legs work.
"Is she going to be ok?" Sophie pleaded with the nurse.
Denise laid a hand over hers, gave her best sympathetic expression, told her they were doing everything they could. She just needed to know if there was nothing else in Jackie's system. Sophie shook her head and Denise got up again, her lips were a tight line across an otherwise beautiful face; incredibly dark eyes solemn as she turned to face Kevin again. Kevin couldn't think of a word to say to her. But Sophie called the other woman back. "Wait. There was wine. There was a bottle of wine on the coffee table."
Denise nodded curtly and rushed back down the corridor.
What in the hell has Jackie done? She took pills with alcohol. What was she even doing with pills? She had told him she had washed them down the sink and he had believed her. She lied and he was a fool to accept that as truth. Stupid woman. She should know better than to mix prescription medication with alcohol. And she was, god had she done this on purpose? Was she trying to end it? He knew things had been a little tense but really, that didn't warrant that kind of response.
Kevin moved forward and sat next to his daughter, putting an arm around her and bringing her against his shoulder. She came easily and sniffled; he can feel the wracking of her small body. He remembered holding her for the first time and the swell of pride he felt. Jackie had been smiling and he had told her she had done a good job. And she had been, up until now, doing a good job with their children. She kept their family going. Looked after their kids. Made sure he had what he needed when he deployed. And in return he had given her a life, status, purpose; army wife and mother. Why would she want to just throw that all away?
S.C
It was Denise who came back to tell them that everything was going to be fine. They pumped Jackie's stomach and she was resting now, but she would probably be fine; they weren't anticipating any long term effects. They had got to her in time and Sophie stood there, listening to the rumble of her father's voice as he asked how much her mother had had to drink, how many pills she had actually taken and Sophie watched that practiced sympathetic tilt of the nurse's head. Sophie wanted to hit someone. Kevin said something about Jackie having a problem with pills, sedatives and that she had been in rehab for them before. She had started taking them again a few months ago but she had told him she had washed them down the drain.
Denise nodded sympathetically again. She admitted to Jackie confessing to them one afternoon after they had noticed her habit. But she had also assured them that it was under control and she wasn't doing that anymore. "I guess she was able to hide it really well," Denise surmised. "She seemed to be functioning just fine."
Sophie really couldn't believe what she was hearing. She could see that desolate look in her mother's eye when Sophie had taken her a cup of tea after Jackie had yelled at her husband. The woman had looked broken and Sophie really had had no idea that it was so bad. But Kevin had. And by the way Denise was talking now, she had known Jackie was under pressure. Denise knew about the pills and the promises too. And she wasn't the only one either.
These two were completely incredible. Husband and close friend. Sophie scoffed. Denise's eyes slid over to her and she gave that press of her lips again that was meant to make Sophie feel more at ease but it didn't, it just agitated her further.
"We'll make sure she gets some help," Denise told her and Sophie just stood there and gave her disbelief.
"What she needed, was someone to look out for her."
Denise just looked at her. "We were all here for Jackie if she just reached out."
"Did you reach out to her?" Sophie demanded.
"Sophie," Kevin tried to intervene, his tone hardened, like she had put an elbow on the table at dinner time.
"No really. You knew she was on sedatives. That she had a problem with them in the past," Sophie went on. "And you didn't think that there was something wrong?"
"We talked to your mother about the pills," Denise responded. "But if she was determined to do something like this..."
Sophie wanted to throw up. They were talking about this like Jackie had done it on purpose. But Sophie knew she wouldn't. She had just... forgotten about how many pills she had taken or something. And it wasn't strange for her to have a glass of wine with her lunch.
"Sophie," Kevin tried again, this time with a hand on her shoulder.
Sophie immediately shrugged out of it. "No. You were supposed to be her friend. And that other wife already killed herself on post and you didn't think to call in on my mother, to make sure she really was ok? And you," she turned to her father. His face was like stone, eyes cold; the usual. "You're her husband. You're supposed to notice this kind of thing. She obviously wasn't ok if she was taking sedatives regularly. Why didn't you do something?"
Sophie hoped her mother would understand, but she really couldn't stay there right now. She rushed for the automatic doors, slipping out into sunshine, the world bright and harsh against her eyes. She was seeing so much more now. More than she wanted to know, because she didn't want to believe. Her mother was supposed to be infallible. She was supposed to be strong and have everything worked out. But she didn't. She was human and she was frail and Sophie had just come that close to losing her.
S.C
Jackie felt a bit like she was dreaming. She had shards of images and memories but they were not cohesive and she couldn't figure out how to put them together to make any sense; she wasn't sure what parts of them were real. She felt a bit like she didn't make sense. Her arms were heavy but her chest light, like she could float up from the bed. Her eyelids drugged, but her mind suspiciously sharp. She came more awake, realised she had been asleep, and forced her eyes open. Kevin was there, standing with his back to the bed, his arms folded, his stance rigid. He was looking out the window but when she woke, he turned to face her, like he was something out of a movie; her white knight.
"Hey," he greeted simply.
"Hi," she smiled up at him because he was there to save her.
"How are you feeling?" He took a few steps closer.
Jackie's hand twitched, wanting to reach for him. "A bit tired I guess," she said but now that she thought about it, her abdomen was crampy and her throat was raw. She hurt. What had happened? Kevin stared at her and oh, it struck her, what she had done. "It was an accident Kevin."
"Was it?" The accusation was clear in his tone and she felt like one of his subordinates who had messed up on the battlefield.
"Of course it was," Jackie told him, trying to keep her tone light even though her throat was on fire and she felt nauseated. "I would never," she started, throwing meaning into her eyes; appalled. "Do anything like that. You know that."
Kevin's cool blue eyes regarded her a moment. He unfolded his arms deliberately and took her hand, grabbing it up off the bed. "You gave me a hell of a fright."
And Jackie felt pleased. Pleased to hear that, she supposed.
"Sophie is going to come in and see you..."
"Sophie's here?" Panic spiked through Jackie sharply.
"She had to step out a moment," Kevin told her.
"But she's here?"Jackie pressed. Kevin gave a nod, said something about her coming to visit, remember? Yes Jackie remembered, she nodded. But that fuzzy image of her daughter in the bedroom, she thought that had been a dream. And it wasn't. And oh, Sophie was the one who found her. Jackie reached up her hand to smooth back her hair. She must look awful. Her daughter couldn't see her like this. She shouldn't. Jackie cleared her throat, wished she hadn't, and tried to sit up straighter.
They both heard the buzz of Kevin's phone in his pocket. He reached into the breast compartment of his jacket and retrieved it. "I have to take this," he told her and moved away to the window. Jackie took that opportunity to comb through her hair, feeling how lank and uneasy it was under her hands. Her skin felt sticky and uncomfortable, like she was living inside someone else's life.
"Yes I'm aware of the situation," Kevin said firmly into his phone. Jackie knew that tone of voice and sure enough, when he hung up, he approached her looking grim. "I need to go and take care of something," he told her gently.
She gave him a smile; it was brighter than she felt. "Of course. You need to get back to work." She understood.
Kevin gave her a once over. "We can talk about this later."
"There's nothing to talk about Kevin. It was an accident. I had a head ache and forgot I had already taken something."
And about the other sedatives.
And how many glasses of wine.
She forced a smile for him, assured him she was fine and that she would probably be home later that evening anyway. Kevin glanced towards the door. He said he hadn't seen the doctor yet. Jackie promised to let him know what the medical professional had to say. She was trying to make light. She was trying to make it easier for him to leave. That was her job. To make it easy for him to leave.
S.C
Sophie entered her mother's room tentatively. Jackie was sitting up in the bed, a hospital gown hanging off suddenly frail looking shoulders, and she was gazing out the window to the cloudless sky. It was the second time that day Sophie had caught her staring off into space; it was disconcerting. "Hi Mom," Sophie announced herself softly.
Jackie turned to her and smiled. When she smiled she was so beautiful. She reached out her hand and Sophie approached the bed to take it. Her mother was warm and soft and Sophie felt comforted by the contact. Jackie gave her an endearing smile. "Hi sweetheart." She patted the bed by her leg and Sophie perched awkwardly on the narrow hospital bed.
"How are you doing Mom?" Sophie asked.
"I'm fine," Jackie gave a reassuring smile. She reached out to tuck Sophie's hair behind her ear, looking at her as if she hadn't seen her in years.
"Mom."
"It was just an accident," Jackie cut in. "Ok sweetheart? It was just a mistake with the pills. I don't usually take so many. I'll be more careful. There's nothing to worry about."
"But this isn't the first time," Sophie said cautiously. Jackie looked a little alarmed. "You were taking pills before."
Jackie gaped at her for a moment.
"Dad told me. And Denise told me," Sophie went on softly.
Jackie looked away.
"Mom, what's going on with you?"
"Nothing," Jackie tried.
"No!" Sophie protested. "Don't do that. Don't just pretend it's nothing. Dad's not saying anything about it and Denise is saying there isn't a problem. But it is a problem, Mom. You could have died."
A tear dropped from Jackie's eye, to her cheek, then to her shoulder. She looked over at her daughter and patted her hand, placating. Sophie could see her struggling to keep it all in. But she did succeed. "It's just a problem I need to deal with," she said simply, which did not answer Sophie's questions in the least. "And I'll deal with it."
"What about Dad? Shouldn't you deal with it together? Isn't that what you're meant to do when you're married?"
"Your father is very busy," Jackie explained.
"I know that but Mom, this is you. Shouldn't he be here?"
Jackie reached up a hand to wipe another tear away and Sophie noted how thin her mother's fingers seemed, how lined her hands were. "He wants to."
Liar. Sophie stared at her mother but her mother didn't back down and Sophie didn't know what to do next, what to say to that.
"But he just can't."
Or doesn't want to, Sophie thought. This wasn't right at all. She knew her father was a little distant sometimes but she really didn't think he would be so cold. Apparently she didn't think a lot of things about her father, which was wrong, and the things she had thought were true were false and she really didn't know him. She had thought more of him. But her mother obviously didn't and that was sad. So sad. She thought they loved each other, but she could see now her mother loved her father, but Kevin didn't treat Jackie right.
"Mom. What if we went away somewhere?"
Jackie gave her an unsure expression. "What do you mean?"
"What if you just packed up all your things and we just went somewhere. We could just leave. You could make a fresh start."
Jackie really looked shocked this time. "I can't just leave. I have responsibilities here."
"The army?" Sophie asked in disbelief.
"Your father," Jackie added. "I can't just leave him."
"Why not?"
Jackie looked stunned and confused by the question at the same time; she was affronted. "He's my husband, Sophie. You don't just walk out on your husband."
Sophie regarded her mother for a moment. "But he's walked out on you."
The air was heavy with a stunned silence for a moment and then Jackie looked away a little. Sophie watched her shake back the hair from her face, regain her composure, put that smile back on her face. The doctor arrived and Sophie knew the conversation was over. That had been her chance to make her mother see some sense. Her father was notably absent and Jackie knew it but later or tomorrow, Kevin would be back and he'd probably play the part well enough to convince Jackie and anyone looking that he was the dedicated husband people thought him to be. But Sophie knew now, she saw and she understood. She had no idea what to do about it though, or who to turn to, or where she could get some help. But she wasn't going to let this go. She couldn't.
This was her mother.