Summary: Once, a long time ago, there was a woman Luxa loved. That woman is gone now, and Luxa is pretty sure she never existed. That's OK, though. Luxa is an Exchange girl, and she doesn't need love - but it is very nice.
WARNING: This features bad language and mentions of a homosexual relationship. If that bothers you, don't read further!
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The first time I saw Juhani, I thought that she was beautiful.
I throw that word around a lot, but she really was, all sharp eyes and hands and mouth in a smooth, svelte body colored black, white, and tan. She was like some desert goddess, complete with mysterious smile and hooded eyes and vicious, cruel mind. Huh, listen to me, waxing poetic. But god, was she beautiful. Beautiful and lonely.
I'd heard about her, you see. I think everyone had, how she had killed Davik's best slaver and every man, woman, and child in his house. Canderous told me it was bad, and if a man like Canderous looks ill talking about something like that, well…it must have been. Anyway, long story short, Davik had recruited her after Xor was killed, and she pretty much hung around HQ all day, drinking juma juice and looking scary.
Ha. I'm a Zeltron, and I know what people are feeling better than they know themselves. This is what Juhani was feeling, that first time I saw her at the bar looking lonely as hell: I felt a new woman, crying and scared inside, lonely and scarred. Brought tears to my eyes, I swear. Ordinarily, I wouldn't care – I may be a Zeltron, but I'm also a member of the Exchange, and I don't give a fuck about anyone except myself – but...
…she was beautiful, and broken, and I wanted to put her back together again. So I sat down beside her and started a conversation.
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Juhani was a strange woman. She didn't act like a stone-cold killer, or at least, not like any stone-cold killer I'd ever met, and I'd met a lot. Hell, I was a stone-cold killer! I liked vice – I'm a business woman at heart – but I'd killed my share of competitors to get to the top of the totem pole, and I'd undoubtedly do it again. Juhani…wasn't like that.
She was violent, sure, but not…calculated. She didn't wake up on the morning and think well, hey, that idiot Calo is blocking my chance of promotion. I should team up with Canderous and kill him. No, Juhani just killed people because they pissed her off. There were a lot of people who pissed her off, so there were a lot of dead people, but there wasn't any plan. Juhani was utterly unambitious.
She also felt guilty afterward. I'd never met someone who felt guilt.
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I guess it was the strange dichotomy of guilt-ridden loneliness and murderous rage that appealed to me. Juhani was utterly unlike anyone else in the Exchange, and I wanted to keep that safe. I wanted to keep her safe. I guess that's why I wanted to be her lover. I have no idea why Juhani accepted me, though. In my darker days, I think that she would have accepted anyone who showed her a little kindness, but I'd like to think she loved me too.
Well, whatever the reason, we were happy together. We'd go to bars together and get drunk, or go on scavenging expeditions in the Undercity, and just generally hang out. It was fun. And then afterward, I'd go to her room, or she'd go to mine, and we'd have a different kind of fun. It was all so good.
And then it all went to hell, because the Sith took over, and that bitch came with them.
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Back then, I had no idea who she was. Truth be told, I still don't know much about her – nothing except her career (smuggler), her family (father, deceased; mother, terminal), and her ship (Sly Dancer). The trouble started when the ship got impounded by the Sith for illegal cargo…
Anyway, she was bad news from the start. I'm an Exchange girl, and we don't particularly like it when strange women start muscling into our turf, paying debts and beating up enforcers. She was ruining the whole game, and nobody was amused. Well, except for Canderous, but he was just the muscle anyway.
So the boss sent Juhani to set this Bastila chick straight.
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I got worried when she didn't report in after two days. Juhani usually finished roughing (or ripping) her jobs up in a few hours, not a few days. I was frantic after a week – I felt sure something horrible had happened to her, that this Bastila was far more dangerous than we realized. I was all in favor of sending Calo into the undercity to kill the bitch before she killed us.
Then rumors appeared, floating up from the Undercity like vapor. A woman had gone into the sewers and rescued Mission Vao's protector, Zaalbar; the same woman had been seen in the Black Vulkar base, carrying a prototype speeder upgrade; that same woman was seen again at the Taris swoop race, clocking a faster time than veterans of twenty years. This same woman was followed by two people: a nondescript human male, and a very noticeable Cathar female.
Well. Bastila had been a busy little girl, hadn't she? Busy enough to steal my girlfriend, anyway.
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I felt betrayed, after the rumors floated up the city. I thought I had known Juhani. I was wrong. Whatever her strangeness, I had always assumed that she was the same as me.
She wasn't.
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Bastila was a sharp girl, all cutting voice and piercing blue eyes. She and Juhani fit well together, especially against that blasted lavender mist that Davik circulated around his palace. They looked solid, like everything around them, including me, wasn't.
It was a strange meeting. I don't think Bastila even saw me, she walked by so quickly. Silly, stupid girl. I could have shot her if I wanted to. Juhani stopped, though, and looked up at me, slouching against the wall in Davik's throne room. She looked exactly as she had the first time I had met her – beautiful. Not broken, though.
Never broken.
I don't know what she saw in me, not then or ever. Did she love me? Did she even know who I was, as I thought I knew her? I guess I'll never know, because after that one long look, she followed Bastila.
I'll never see her again.
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She killed Davik, of course, and I wonder if that wasn't her purpose the whole time. It was easy, with Canderous on her side. Bastila...well, she just wanted the ship, and she got it. She got a whole lot more than she wanted, too, with that whole mess with the Jedi Council – but that isn't my story, and anyway, I don't really give a damn about Jedi. She and Malak can rot, for all I care. I have Taris, and in the end, that's all I ever wanted. Juhani can have her fucking peace and serenity, her shiny lightsaber and her Jedi girlfriend.
I'm an Exchange girl, and I don't need love. All I need is a cargo of spice and a really good gun.