Disclaimer: All characters and such belong to the wonderful Leigh Bardugo! I take no credit for the creation of any of the characters!
Kaz heard her gasp when the bullet hit, and knew in that instant something had gone horribly wrong. He spun around and looked up to see her stumble, her hands pressed against her abdomen. Kaz inhaled sharply as her eyes flew to his. He saw the pure confusion and despair in her eyes. She stumbled once again and then fell backwards into open air.
As she fell off the high roof of which she was previously perched upon, her dark hair spread around her head like a dark halo. She was a falling saint, and Kaz couldn't catch her. She hit the ground with a sickening crunch, and the only thing Kaz could do was watch.
As though he had been shocked, Kaz suddenly lurched and then dashed towards her. His mind was blank, running on plain instinct. He realized later that he must have at some point turned around and shot back at the shooter, as he remembered hearing the cry of pain from the boy. He also later wished that the boy hadn't had died such a quick death, Kaz would have loved to see him suffer.
It seemed to have taken ages for Kaz to get to her side, as though the world was moving in slow motion. Her shirt was already dark with blood, and it had started to seep onto the cobblestones. For a moment he thought she was dead, she was too still, her skin pale and her eyes closed.
He must have gasped her name because her eyes then fluttered open. Kaz could see the pain and desperation in her eyes as they met his. They were unfocused, something of which was so unnatural for her that Kaz's heart sunk even lower. His Wraith's eyes were never unfocused, they were sharp and calculating and all knowing.
Her chest was heaving, as though she couldn't get enough air. She looked like a crumpled doll of which was haphazardly tossed to the floor. One of her legs was bent at a wrong angle, an injury which painfully reminded Kaz of his own leg.
"Oh Kaz, don't look at me that way," Inej murmured through her gasping breaths.
Kaz sunk to the ground. He felt the knees of his trousers become wet with the mixture of water and blood, but that was the last thing on his mind. He began to help her put pressure on the wound, but the blood kept seeping between his fingers.
"Inej, Inej! You're going to be fine, you're going to be fine!" He said in pure desperation directed more to himself than to Inej.
He knew his voice must have cracked, that it was too high pitched to even be considered adult. But he didn't care if his frightening image would be tainted by his hysterics, no, he couldn't, not with Inej bleeding out on the ground.
"Kaz, you know that's not true, this was going to happen no matter how much we ignored it. The only question was if it was going to be me or you first, but I guess this answers it." Inej whispered out, her voice fading along with the glimmer in her eyes.
She had lost too much blood already, and her normally caramel skin was looking ghostly. Kaz's arms and shirt were already covered with her blood. Inej slowly took away her hands from her wound, they fell limp against her side as she lost strength to control them.
"No Inej, you can't do this, you can't give up! I can't do this without you, I know I can't," Kaz yelled. "You're the only thing that keeps me alive, that keeps me human!"
"Kaz," Inej mumbled, her voice barely audible. "Kaz, I'm afraid I don't have much choice."
And with that, her eyes slowly, oh so slowly, slid shut. He never did see those sharp, brown eyes again.
Kaz didn't yell or scream or even shed a tear, but he wanted to. Every inch of his body wanted to cry and scream and punch, but he didn't, he couldn't. Instead, he stood up slowly on two shaky legs. A dark and bloody figure over a pale, crumpled body.
As though his ears were stuffed with cotton, he heard the scream of despair from Nina and the footsteps of Jesper moving towards him in a muffled and foggy tone. Kaz could only hear the erratic beating of his heart, and he began to feel more confused and angry.
How is it fair that his heart is still beating while the heart in the body below him had stopped beating moments before, he thought. He was a monster who still had a beating heart, and the woman below him, who was so much better than him, her heart had stopped.
He should be dead, he thought, he should have taken that bullet. It was his fault she was dead, if he had been more careful she would be alive. His heart was swarmed with grief, it pulled at his insides and he had the sudden urge to throw up.
The world was a blur, and he felt himself sway, only to be held steady by strong grasp of Jesper. Kaz's focus shifted to the firm hold on his shoulder and his heart sank lower once again. How could Jesper touch him knowing the monster that he was? Kaz suddenly felt a sharp pull of anger, anger he had barely ever felt before and in a swift movement Kaz spun around and punched Jesper right in the jaw.
Kaz knew he had no good reason to punch Jesper, but he couldn't stop himself, it was as though his mind had lost control of his body's actions and his body just needed to attack something. Everything was still a blur as he watched Jesper gently assess his jaw as he sat on the floor. Jesper looked up at Kaz with eyes filled with confusion and pity, and yet Kaz just stared back with a cold, unfeeling gaze.
Jesper questioned Kaz, but Kaz neither understood what the question was nor how to respond to it, his mind just couldn't focus. Kaz knew Jesper wanted a human response, but that was the last thing Kaz could even think of giving Jesper. He felt as though there wasn't a single drop of human left in him, that he was only flesh and bones and pain.
Jordie's death might have made Kaz become a monster, but Inej's made him lose his humanity. Kaz still remembered the feeling when Jordie died, he remembered feeling helpless and alone, oh so very alone. But with Inej, Kaz felt that and more, as though his mind was unable to even touch the amount pain he should have felt and his heart had been physically shredded.
The pain Kaz felt in his chest was immense, it throbbed and burned with each breath he took. Part of him wondered why he felt such pain, why was it that he felt so connected to this woman. And then it hit him, it hit him so hard that it rivaled being kicked in the gut and having your every breath pulled out of you. He realized with a gasp that he loved her. When she was with him he felt happier, that he could actually be better. She made him want to be a better man, and he had loved her for it.
He cursed himself for not forcing himself to acknowledge it sooner. He never was able to tell her, he never had the guts to do so. He was never able to tell the woman who stood by his side and guarded his back that he loved her. And that, he thought, was his greatest sin of all.
With that fact resonating in his head, Kaz broke. He became a puppet which had its strings cut and collapsed to his knees. He was only partially aware as he stared at his bloodstained hands as they pressed against the cold and wet cobblestones.
Kaz held great pride in being able to hide his emotions, instead showing the cold and calculating and calculating persona that people came to fear, but in that moment Kaz couldn't help but feel the crippling emotions of regret and guilt and overwhelming brokenness.
And so that was where Kaz was trapped. A bowed and gasping figure over the still-warm body of the woman he loved. He was the monster with the broken heart.
A wise man would say that the day Dirtyhands would fall to his knees would be a day worth remembering, which turned out to be true, as that day would surely not be one to be forgotten in anyone's mind. But no wise man could have predicted that the cause of his falling would be a broken heart.
Welp, I'm sorry guys... and I'm sorry Jesper, that punch must have hurt! This is my first ever character death fic so I hope you liked it! I almost felt like it got a bit too graphic at times, so I hope that wasn't a problem for anyone.
Anyway, sorry for not posting anything at all for forever, I've just recently been very unmotivated to write and unable to come up with any ideas. I have quite a few unfinished fics just sitting on my computer of which don't go anywhere plot-wise or I became unmotivated to write about... and yet the character death fic made it through XD.
I have mixed feeling about this work, I'm happy I got it finished but yet I also feel like it's a bit messy.. idk
One more thing, this fic was made as a one-shot but if anyone expresses interest, I have the idea of adding chapters but in the pov of other characters, mainly Jesper or even Inej. So if anyone's interested just let me know, I'll take suggestions.
Sorry this note is so long... I tend to ramble.
See ya next time,
FlyingCats