She had thrown herself into her work. It was the only thing that kept her from falling apart, from allowing the pain of loss to rip through her. To be part of something so magical, a part of new life, gave her solace that there was some good, some happiness in the world and that there was a future, even when she felt like none of it was meant for her. When Patsy informed the others of her intentions to stay at Nonatus, they all knew that it was because her friend was moving back to Wales to recover. What they didn't know was that when she kissed the keys to what could have been their flat and pushed them through the letter box, she wasn't just saying goodbye to a friend. She was returning her hopes of a happy life with the love of her life. They didn't realise that for her, by returning to Nonatus House she could pretend, as much as was possible, that none of it had ever happened.
Patsy walked briskly through the kitchen, leaning forward to grab a piece of toast from a plate on the table when a gentle hand on her wrist stopped her in her tracks.
"Nurse Mount" Sister Julienne released her hold on her wrist and looked up at the younger woman. She could see the beginnings of bags making themselves known under Patsy's eyes and the pain that still lingered in the blue eyes above. "Nurse Mount, I thought you were on the night shift last night?" she enquired.
"Indeed I was, but I was awake early this morning anyway and so I thought I could help Nurse Franklin on her district nursing rounds today. Speed things up a little as I know there are currently lots of cases of chicken pox amongst the children." Patsy looked over at Trixie, who gave her a small smile, failing to hide the worry from her face.
Patsy internally begged for her to let her continue to work. She knew they were all worried about her but she just wanted to work. She couldn't face being alone during the day. It was bad enough trying to block out thoughts of her dark chocolate hair and her lilting welsh accent at night, let alone when she knew she could be out doing something useful and worthwhile.
Sister Julienne smiled kindly up her. "I think for today Nurse Franklin can manage alone, if you are agreeable Nurse Franklin?"
"Of course" replied Trixie quickly "nothing I haven't seen before"
"You need to rest Nurse Mount" cut in Nurse Crane abruptly "You have been over working yourself and I for one will not be pleased if I have to pick up your rounds once you make yourself ill. Sister Julienne is right, no work for you today." She gave Patsy one last stare before following Trixie and Barbra out of the kitchen.
Patsy tried to hold back the tears. She knew they were right but she just wanted to keep busy. Sister Julienne got up from the table and stood in front of her, bringing her hands to rest on Patsy's shoulders while Patsy, setting her jaw, stared unwavering at her shoes knowing that if she looked up at the kind face of the nun she wouldn't be able to contain it all.
"Nurse Mount, you know that if there was ever anything the matter, we are a family here at Nonatus and you can always come and talk to us. You need not carry any burden alone. Please rest today, I shall see to it that your shift tonight is also covered," and with that she left Patsy standing alone in the kitchen, fists clasped at her sides, willing herself not to cry. She turned on her heels and it was all she could do not to sprint up to her room, slamming the door behind her. Sinking to her knees she sobbed, letting the pain and memories she had tried to keep bottled away overwhelm her. She cried until she felt empty, then, curling into a tight ball, at long last exhaustion won and she slept.
When Trixie arrived back from her shift around Poplar, she found Patsy lying still curled up, on the floor of their shared bedroom. Not wanting to disturb her she picked up the comforter from the other girls bed and lay it over her, tucking a pillow under her head also. She was thankful that Patsy was sleeping. She had often heard her tossing and turning as though she were having the worst of nightmares, mumbling in her sleep always the same name, Delia. Trixie knew not to question her about it. She had an inkling that the friendship that Patsy and Delia shared was stronger than any other and that there was most likely more to it that met the eye, but one didn't question it. Trixie didn't mind or have any objections, but it was not something spoken of aloud.
There was a gentle knock at the door and Trixie tiptoed quickly over.
"Sister Evangelina?" She whispered at the visitor "is something the matter?"
"Nurse Franklin, is Nurse Mount awake?"
"She's not. The poor thing is finally sleeping."
"That is a relief. However, there is a lady downstairs wishing to speak to her – I believe it to be Miss Busby's mother if the accent is anything to go by. Would you therefore wake Nurse Mount, and direct her to the kitchen when she is ready"
Trixie's brow furrowed "Of course. I wonder what she wants"
"That is not ours to ponder" Sister Evangelina left and Trixie gently closed the door.
Going over to Patsy she knelt down beside the sleeping girl.
"Patsy, sweetheart?" Patsy stirred slightly "Patsy, you have to wake up now, there is someone here to see you"
Opening her eyes, Patsy slowly sat up, looking around her, confused. "Why am I on the floor?"
"I don't know, you were like that when I came in, but you need to get up now, there is someone here to see you and Sister Evangelina says you are to head down to the kitchen as soon as you can."
Sighing heavily Patsy picked herself up off the hard wood floor, throwing the pillow and comforter onto her bed. With a quick look in the mirror to tend to any stray hairs, she left the room and made her way slowly downstairs. Her feet, and her chest, felt heavy and she was in no mood to speak to anyone. Rounding the corner into the kitchen she saw a woman seated with her back to her.
After taking a deep breath and plastering on the oh so familiar fake smile that she had grown so used to wearing in the recent months she said,
"Excuse me? Hello? My name is Nurse Mount, I believe you wished to speak with me? How many I help?"
The woman stood and turned. The smile fell from Patsy's face.
"Nurse Mount it's good to see you again"
"Please, call me Patsy, Mrs Busby" Patsy's could feel her heart thudding in her chest. She tried not to let her mind go to the worst, but why was Delia's mother here? What if….
"I hope you don't mind me turning up here so out of the blue, but there is something I wish to discuss with you"
"No, no of course. Please have a seat" Patsy said gesturing to the recently vacated spot at the table, her years of manners and etiquette kicking in, "I'll put the kettle on. What is it you wish to discuss?"
As Mrs Busby began to explain the reason for her visit, Patsy felt her control slipping all the more. Delia had begun to remember things. Nothing of significance, but had started to ask her mother about the same thing regularly. She wanted to see 'her'. When asked to whom she was referring, Delia had no answer other than, that there was a woman that she needed to see. She couldn't remember her name, or why she needed to see her, only that she must.
"I've wracked my brains for weeks trying to determine who she is talking about, but there is no one from our home that she was ever close to, or anyone at the Nurse's home that she mentioned. It was only when I remembered how worried you were the day of the accident that I thought it might be you." Patsy glanced up at the woman before her, waiting for her to get to the point of why she was here.
"So I have come to ask, as you know we don't have a telephone, whether it would be at all possible, and if you are willing, for you to accompany me back to Wales, and come and see Delia. If I am right, you could help her gain some memories back."
Patsy stared, stunned. She couldn't think straight, her heart was screaming YES for goodness sake YES but her head would not agree so easily. What if it wasn't her Delia was remembering? What if seeing her again just means having to say goodbye once more? Before she could let those doubts set in she heard herself agreeing, as long as Sister Julienne allowed for it and not long after, Patsy found herself sitting in a cramped train carriage, gazing out of the window as the grey brick buildings of London gave way to the green of fields and trees.