It's been months since I've seen or heard from Holden. I can't contact him, I don't even know where he is. I thought maybe I could ask Hooper if he knew how I could contact him. Unfortunately I didn't get around to it. Here's the gist of the conversation we had last night, back at his place in Jersey.
HOOPER: What brings you to my neighborhood?
ME: Nothing much, I've just had a lot on my mind and wanted to talk to someone about it.
HOOPER: Doesn't sound like nothing much. So, since you have no female friends, you thought you'd come talk to the next best thing - a gay guy.
ME: Hey! I never said that.
HOOPER: But it's true.
ME: (pause) yes, that may be the case, but you don't need to rub it in my face.
HOOPER: Anyway, what did you come to talk to me about? The realization that Archie is in fact, gay?
ME: Actually, no.
HOOPER: What then?
ME: I'm missing Holden.
HOOPER: Well of course you are! You've realised that your life has no meaning without him, right?
ME: Well, not exactly. You see, we were going to give up Bluntman and Chronic anyway, Alyssa just sped it up for us.
HOOPER: But you could've created another comic together.
ME: I don't think so. After all, all I was to the fans was a tracer. I wanted to try something new.
HOOPER: If you're not missing him in a work sense, Banky, I hate to say it, but there's only one other reason I could understand why.
ME: We've been friends for years, of course it's natural for me to miss him.
HOOPER: You're in denial, Banky.
ME: About me and Holden being friends?
HOOPER: Yes and no. If you were really friends, you wouldn't have had no contact with him for so long. It's over, Banky. But don't blame yourself, it's not your fault Holden made the proposal.
ME: And kissed me.
HOOPER: And kissed you? You never told me about that.
ME: Sorry, it was on my mind, I had to get it out.
HOOPER: Then it's worse than I expected.
ME: What do you mean?
HOOPER: What do I mean?
ME: (interrupting) Stop repeating me.
HOOPER: Sorry. I mean, I just thought it was a little crush. Banky, just stop denying it, you're in love with him.
ME: I am not.
HOOPER: Come to the dark side, Banky, I'll make you comfortable with it.
ME: What's with the double meaning? Hooper, I don't need that kind of help.
HOOPER: Do you want me to recommend a good psychologist then?
ME: No!
HOOPER: Fine then, your loss.
ME: Holden wouldn't go for me anyway...
I didn't even wait for his response. I walked out of his place to find yet again, people almost fucking on my car. After yelling at them, they fucked off, and I drove back home. I couldn't stop thinking about the conversation I had with Hooper. He was right, I am in love with Holden, I just can't openly admit it. Last night was the first time I was even able to admit it to myself.
© January 2002