Life Without You
Midget: This is a spin-off of my fic 'Life Goes On, Or Does It?'. Since I wanted to put Kari's POV later in the series AND still have her explain what happened to T.K. I decided to write this. It's going to be set before the beginning of the original fic and will hopefully explain the world as it is in this fic.
Oh, and this entire series is set ten years after the 02 timeline. Their ages are:
Joe-25
Matt, Tai, and Sora-24
Izzy and Mimi-23
Yolei-22
Davis, Kari, and Ken-21
Cody-19
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I stand here gazing at our precious little angels. Little Mathew has his bottom stuck up in the air, his right arm around the stuffed Patamon doll you made him. Tari lies on her back, her little stuffed Gatomon doll clutched tightly to her chest. Seeing them cling so tightly to the toys reminds me that they are the last presents you were able to give them.
Choking back a sob, I turn away and quietly close the door. I don't want to wake them. Blinded by the tears that burn in my eyes, I use one shaking hand to guide me to my room. Several times I have to stop and try to catch my breath, the waves of pain and loneliness nearly bringing me to my knees. Finally, after what seems like forever, I make it to my room. Carefully closing the door behind me, I stumble to the bed. A single bed that seems so cold compared to the double bed we once shared.
Burying my head in a pillow, I finally give in to the sobs that tear at my insides. A tidal wave of emotion almost drowns me as I let the floodgate loose. Before I've finally cried out all my tears the entire pillow case is soaked. For a long time after the sobs continue to rip through me. Finally even they end, leaving me too weak to move.
Gathering my energy, I manage to lift myself off of the soggy pillow and into a sitting position. Reaching for the top drawer of the small night stand beside my bed, I find myself so out of it that I nearly fall over. Shaking my head to clear it, I pull out the diary you gave me. It has a picture of two angels on it. They sit near each other by a well in a garden full of bright flowers. Sunshine glints off of the harps they hold. Butterflies seem to dance to the sound of the instruments combined with the sound of the angels voices. The way my heart used to every time you sang for me.
For a moment I think more tears will come, but I've cried them all. At least for this time. Next time more tears will come, I'm sure of it.
Opening the book, I turn to the last page. Staring at the blank page, I find myself at a loss as to what I should say. When you gave me this you told me to put all the things I couldn't talk about in it. It was just another your ways of trying to help me while respecting my need to keep some things private until I'm ready. That was just one of the many things I loved about you. You were always considerate, always putting my needs above your own.
A tear trails down my cheek, proving me wrong. Maybe there are just some memories that can bring the few left out. Like the memory of when we found out.
*********Flashback*********
I squeeze T.K.'s hand, just a little, trying not to let the plain white walls and the very uncomfortable chairs get to me. The warmth of his hand as he squeezes mine back lightly reassures me slightly. Nearby footsteps cause me to jump. Turning swiftly, I stare at the door anxiously, but they pass on by. All this waiting for the test results has my nerves stretched as tightly as guitar strings.
"Kari, calm down honey," T.K. says soothingly, rubbing his thumb against the back of my hand. He smiles gently at me.
The love and tenderness in his eyes causes my heart to melt. In his eyes I can see my emotions reflected back to me and I return his smile with one of my own. Everything else fades away and for a moment it's just the two of us.
"Since my mom my mom loves to watch the little ones, why don't you and I have dinner alone tonight," T.K. asks in that special tone that he reserves just for me. A hint of mischief mingled with the longing in his eyes. "We could always go pick them up later. They seem to stay up most of the night anyways."
I giggle a little at the thought, the desire coursing through my veins making me a little light headed. Our little darlings did seem to like staying up at night and sleeping during the day. Leaning forward I whisper, "I think we could arrange something suitable."
We lean closer to each other. I can feel his breath brush my lips lightly. Then door suddenly opens and I jerk away to give the doctor a flustered look. Glancing at my husband, I see the rueful regret in his eyes as they meet mine briefly. Then I look back at the doctor, just in time to catch the fleeting sorrow and regret in his eyes. My stomach clenched and a feeling of apprehension shot through me with the speed of lightning. All of my senses were fully alert.
Anxiously my I watch as he walks around to sit at the chair behind his desk. There weariness and stress apparent on his face made him look older than his thirty-five years should have. Sympathy radiates from him as he slowly explains gravely, "The reports confirmed what I feared. Mr. Takaishi, I'm afraid you have a brain tumor."
My hand is nearly mangled, but I barely feel it. Blood pounded in my ears, making the conversation between the two difficult to hear.
"Is there some way to treat it? An operation, or something," T.K. asks hopefully.
"Unfortunately, it is in a place where we can't operate," the doctor explains quietly. "If we did, there is a ninety-nine percent chance that there would be some damage done to your brain. You would become a vegetable, unable to even breathe on your own."
Horror causes the world to go black around me, but I grimly hold on to consciousness. T.K.'s next words had my eyes flying to meet his.
"How long do I have left," he asked very softly.
"Six months. A year if you stay in the hospital, but that would be the max," the doctor replies. "And that would only be if we kept you hooked up to an IV almost from the beginning. You have three days to decide what you want to do."
T.K. and I look at each other, pain and fear in both our eyes. He gives me a half smile trying to reassure me, but it lacks conviction. We both knew he was dying and neither of us had any idea how to deal with it.
Politely thanking the doctor, we rose to leave. At the door his voice stops us.
"I'm very sorry. I wish there was something I could do," he says quietly, sincerity ringing in his tone.
"Thank you," I reply n a choked voice. "That means a lot."
I close my eyes, fighting tears, as T.K.'s arm slips around my shoulders and holds me tightly to him. The thought flashes through my mind that soon he won't be able to. I turn my head into his chest and let my teas begin to fall as he leads me out to the car.
************End Flashback*************
Even now the memory has the power to bring tears to my eyes. That was one of the worse moments in my life. Two days later when we faced Matt was another.
*************Flashback**************
We had decided to tell Matt first, privately. After all, we both knew how devastated he would feel when he found out. These last few years the three of us had become pretty close. This was going to hurt him almost as much as it hurt us.
So we invited him to dinner at our apartment. It was very small, but cozy. The kids were over at my mom's house. We felt it would be easier if they weren't there.
After dinner we sat talking softly. Neither of us had been able to broach the subject, although we'd both tried. We took the dishes into the kitchen, stealing a few moments to talk.
"We have to tell him," T.K. tells me quietly, trying not to let Matt over hear.
"I know, but how," I ask sadly, leaning my head against his chest.
He rests his chin on top of my head as he wraps his arms around me. I close my eyes and savor the sensation of being in his arms. We stand like that until the sound of Matt calling our names interrupts.
We pull away from each other as Matt walks in. His eyes are filled with worry as he glances back and forth between us.
"All right, will one of you please tell me what is wrong," Matt asks in his most paternal tone. His glare even looks like a worried father's. At any other time I might have giggled and teased him about it, but it wasn't any other time.
T.K. hesitates for a moment, then takes my hand and pulls me after him. "Yes, but let's go sit down first," he answers quietly, gesturing for his brother to lead the way.
Nodding, Matt leads us back to the living room. We take a seat, T.K. and I on our love seat and Matt across from us in the easy chair. They were the only two pieces of furniture besides the entertainment center that could fit in the small room.
Taking a deep breath, T.K. told him the whole story. I watched, my heart sinking, as the blood drained from Matt's face. T.K. told him about the migraines, the temporary bouts of blurry vision, the increasing frequency of memory loss, and the other symptoms that had finally forced us to consult a physician. Then he explained what the doctor had told us. Through it all Matt didn't say one word. When T.K. finished he remained silent for a moment, trying to take it all in, then he looked up.
"Where are you going to stay," he asked seriously.
"Huh," I ask, my mind temporarily blank. Of all of the reactions he could have chosen, this one threw me the most.
"With symptoms like that T.K. will be unable to work and you're still in college, so there's no way you're going to be able to keep on top of your bills," Matt said gravely. "And that isn't including medical expenses, or your baby-sitter fees, or food and utilities."
T.K. and I look at each other. We hadn't really thought about that. It had been hard enough to try to come to grips with the fact that T.K. was dying. We simply hadn't gotten that far in our thoughts.
"Look, I want you and the kids to stay with me," Matt continued, holding up a hand to forestall any protests. He gave us a look that was half stern and half pleading. "It won't be any trouble since my house has three bedrooms. The twins can stay in the room next to yours. I have plenty of money to take care of the bills and I don't have the added expense of rent. It's the best solution to the problem."
"We don't want to be a bother," T.K. informed him in a definitive tone.
"You could never be a bother," Matt replied softly, his love for his brother shining through the tears in his eyes. "You don't have much time left. I want to spend as much of that time as I can with you. Please, let me do this for you."
When T.K. looked at me I nodded. I knew how much this would mean to both of them.
With a smile of both happiness and sorrow, T.K. nodded in agreement. The rest of the night we spent organizing everything.
**************End Flashback************
Matt was a life saver over those next few months. He somehow kept things running smoothly around us, not letting anything intrude. I still don't know how he got that leave of absence from school for me, especially since I was on a scholarship, but he did.
I didn't really notice it then, but later I recalled how he seemed to waste away with you. Matt became thinner and paler as time passed. He did everything he could to make those months as good as they could be, inspite of the fact that he was slowly dying inside.
Looking back, I realize that it was his example that helped me carry on. For all the time that you hung on I just kind of moved around in a daze and spent most of my time with you. I nearly lost it when you died. Then Matt helped me begin picking up the pieces. He got me talking to your mom, which really helped me a lot. Maybe that's why I didn't notice at first when he continued to deteriorate.
It was only a few weeks ago that I looked at him, I mean really looked at him. I was shocked to see the state he was in. His hair was a mess and his clothes had obviously seen better days. At first I couldn't believe the thin bean pole in front of me was the same big brother who had taken care of us all those months. From then on I made a point of stopping by every few days to check up on him.
The others also started checking on him. Joe and Mimi call at least twice a week and visit at least once. His lack of response discouraged them, but they still keep trying. Tai and Sora visit twice a week and call him on at least three other days. Both are getting anxious and Tai has lost his temper a time or two. It's killing him to see his best friend like this. Izzy and Cody often visit with me. I ask them because I don't like going over there by myself. It always depresses me so badly that I want to cry and Izzy is a good friend. Tai would just explode and Joe would panic at my tears. Davis, Yolei, and Ken go together. After the funeral Davis used to call every day, but I think he's finally accepting that I'm still grieving in my own way. He still calls every now and then but he doesn't try to get me to go out anymore. I'm glad, because right now I need my space as I sift through the ashes of our life together and try to build a new one. Having the twins has helped, but I'm very worried about Matt.
Exhaustion weighs my body down. That bout of crying really took its toll on me, I guess. I'll need to get up early to help Nancy get the kids fed. Tomorrow I'll go visit Matt again. Maybe I'll find a way to break through the shell he placed around himself.
Putting the diary away, I get ready for bed as quickly as I can. Climbing in, I settle myself comfortably and turn off the light. Before I go to sleep I say the same thing I said each night since our wedding night.
*I love you, my darling angel of hope. Good night, T.K.* Then I added the part I still wasn't used to even after a year. *I miss you, my love.*
A golden angel stood appeared beside her bed. T.K. smiled tenderly at his wife. 'I love you, too, my angel of light. Good night and sweet dreams, Kari. I miss you, too, but don't worry. I'll help all of you get through this. You can always count on me, my love.'
The words sounded almost musical as they floated as gently as a breeze to the sleeping woman's ears. She smiled a bittersweet smile as she fell into a deeper sleep. All night long the angel stayed with her, watching over her as he figured out how he could help the ones he held so dear. Inspite of his worry he was at peace. He was with his beloved wife and that was the important thing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, I hope that helps. At a later point in the series I'm going to give some glimpses of what those last few months were like. Thanks for reading this and please tell me what you think. I hope you enjoyed this. Bye.
Midget: This is a spin-off of my fic 'Life Goes On, Or Does It?'. Since I wanted to put Kari's POV later in the series AND still have her explain what happened to T.K. I decided to write this. It's going to be set before the beginning of the original fic and will hopefully explain the world as it is in this fic.
Oh, and this entire series is set ten years after the 02 timeline. Their ages are:
Joe-25
Matt, Tai, and Sora-24
Izzy and Mimi-23
Yolei-22
Davis, Kari, and Ken-21
Cody-19
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I stand here gazing at our precious little angels. Little Mathew has his bottom stuck up in the air, his right arm around the stuffed Patamon doll you made him. Tari lies on her back, her little stuffed Gatomon doll clutched tightly to her chest. Seeing them cling so tightly to the toys reminds me that they are the last presents you were able to give them.
Choking back a sob, I turn away and quietly close the door. I don't want to wake them. Blinded by the tears that burn in my eyes, I use one shaking hand to guide me to my room. Several times I have to stop and try to catch my breath, the waves of pain and loneliness nearly bringing me to my knees. Finally, after what seems like forever, I make it to my room. Carefully closing the door behind me, I stumble to the bed. A single bed that seems so cold compared to the double bed we once shared.
Burying my head in a pillow, I finally give in to the sobs that tear at my insides. A tidal wave of emotion almost drowns me as I let the floodgate loose. Before I've finally cried out all my tears the entire pillow case is soaked. For a long time after the sobs continue to rip through me. Finally even they end, leaving me too weak to move.
Gathering my energy, I manage to lift myself off of the soggy pillow and into a sitting position. Reaching for the top drawer of the small night stand beside my bed, I find myself so out of it that I nearly fall over. Shaking my head to clear it, I pull out the diary you gave me. It has a picture of two angels on it. They sit near each other by a well in a garden full of bright flowers. Sunshine glints off of the harps they hold. Butterflies seem to dance to the sound of the instruments combined with the sound of the angels voices. The way my heart used to every time you sang for me.
For a moment I think more tears will come, but I've cried them all. At least for this time. Next time more tears will come, I'm sure of it.
Opening the book, I turn to the last page. Staring at the blank page, I find myself at a loss as to what I should say. When you gave me this you told me to put all the things I couldn't talk about in it. It was just another your ways of trying to help me while respecting my need to keep some things private until I'm ready. That was just one of the many things I loved about you. You were always considerate, always putting my needs above your own.
A tear trails down my cheek, proving me wrong. Maybe there are just some memories that can bring the few left out. Like the memory of when we found out.
*********Flashback*********
I squeeze T.K.'s hand, just a little, trying not to let the plain white walls and the very uncomfortable chairs get to me. The warmth of his hand as he squeezes mine back lightly reassures me slightly. Nearby footsteps cause me to jump. Turning swiftly, I stare at the door anxiously, but they pass on by. All this waiting for the test results has my nerves stretched as tightly as guitar strings.
"Kari, calm down honey," T.K. says soothingly, rubbing his thumb against the back of my hand. He smiles gently at me.
The love and tenderness in his eyes causes my heart to melt. In his eyes I can see my emotions reflected back to me and I return his smile with one of my own. Everything else fades away and for a moment it's just the two of us.
"Since my mom my mom loves to watch the little ones, why don't you and I have dinner alone tonight," T.K. asks in that special tone that he reserves just for me. A hint of mischief mingled with the longing in his eyes. "We could always go pick them up later. They seem to stay up most of the night anyways."
I giggle a little at the thought, the desire coursing through my veins making me a little light headed. Our little darlings did seem to like staying up at night and sleeping during the day. Leaning forward I whisper, "I think we could arrange something suitable."
We lean closer to each other. I can feel his breath brush my lips lightly. Then door suddenly opens and I jerk away to give the doctor a flustered look. Glancing at my husband, I see the rueful regret in his eyes as they meet mine briefly. Then I look back at the doctor, just in time to catch the fleeting sorrow and regret in his eyes. My stomach clenched and a feeling of apprehension shot through me with the speed of lightning. All of my senses were fully alert.
Anxiously my I watch as he walks around to sit at the chair behind his desk. There weariness and stress apparent on his face made him look older than his thirty-five years should have. Sympathy radiates from him as he slowly explains gravely, "The reports confirmed what I feared. Mr. Takaishi, I'm afraid you have a brain tumor."
My hand is nearly mangled, but I barely feel it. Blood pounded in my ears, making the conversation between the two difficult to hear.
"Is there some way to treat it? An operation, or something," T.K. asks hopefully.
"Unfortunately, it is in a place where we can't operate," the doctor explains quietly. "If we did, there is a ninety-nine percent chance that there would be some damage done to your brain. You would become a vegetable, unable to even breathe on your own."
Horror causes the world to go black around me, but I grimly hold on to consciousness. T.K.'s next words had my eyes flying to meet his.
"How long do I have left," he asked very softly.
"Six months. A year if you stay in the hospital, but that would be the max," the doctor replies. "And that would only be if we kept you hooked up to an IV almost from the beginning. You have three days to decide what you want to do."
T.K. and I look at each other, pain and fear in both our eyes. He gives me a half smile trying to reassure me, but it lacks conviction. We both knew he was dying and neither of us had any idea how to deal with it.
Politely thanking the doctor, we rose to leave. At the door his voice stops us.
"I'm very sorry. I wish there was something I could do," he says quietly, sincerity ringing in his tone.
"Thank you," I reply n a choked voice. "That means a lot."
I close my eyes, fighting tears, as T.K.'s arm slips around my shoulders and holds me tightly to him. The thought flashes through my mind that soon he won't be able to. I turn my head into his chest and let my teas begin to fall as he leads me out to the car.
************End Flashback*************
Even now the memory has the power to bring tears to my eyes. That was one of the worse moments in my life. Two days later when we faced Matt was another.
*************Flashback**************
We had decided to tell Matt first, privately. After all, we both knew how devastated he would feel when he found out. These last few years the three of us had become pretty close. This was going to hurt him almost as much as it hurt us.
So we invited him to dinner at our apartment. It was very small, but cozy. The kids were over at my mom's house. We felt it would be easier if they weren't there.
After dinner we sat talking softly. Neither of us had been able to broach the subject, although we'd both tried. We took the dishes into the kitchen, stealing a few moments to talk.
"We have to tell him," T.K. tells me quietly, trying not to let Matt over hear.
"I know, but how," I ask sadly, leaning my head against his chest.
He rests his chin on top of my head as he wraps his arms around me. I close my eyes and savor the sensation of being in his arms. We stand like that until the sound of Matt calling our names interrupts.
We pull away from each other as Matt walks in. His eyes are filled with worry as he glances back and forth between us.
"All right, will one of you please tell me what is wrong," Matt asks in his most paternal tone. His glare even looks like a worried father's. At any other time I might have giggled and teased him about it, but it wasn't any other time.
T.K. hesitates for a moment, then takes my hand and pulls me after him. "Yes, but let's go sit down first," he answers quietly, gesturing for his brother to lead the way.
Nodding, Matt leads us back to the living room. We take a seat, T.K. and I on our love seat and Matt across from us in the easy chair. They were the only two pieces of furniture besides the entertainment center that could fit in the small room.
Taking a deep breath, T.K. told him the whole story. I watched, my heart sinking, as the blood drained from Matt's face. T.K. told him about the migraines, the temporary bouts of blurry vision, the increasing frequency of memory loss, and the other symptoms that had finally forced us to consult a physician. Then he explained what the doctor had told us. Through it all Matt didn't say one word. When T.K. finished he remained silent for a moment, trying to take it all in, then he looked up.
"Where are you going to stay," he asked seriously.
"Huh," I ask, my mind temporarily blank. Of all of the reactions he could have chosen, this one threw me the most.
"With symptoms like that T.K. will be unable to work and you're still in college, so there's no way you're going to be able to keep on top of your bills," Matt said gravely. "And that isn't including medical expenses, or your baby-sitter fees, or food and utilities."
T.K. and I look at each other. We hadn't really thought about that. It had been hard enough to try to come to grips with the fact that T.K. was dying. We simply hadn't gotten that far in our thoughts.
"Look, I want you and the kids to stay with me," Matt continued, holding up a hand to forestall any protests. He gave us a look that was half stern and half pleading. "It won't be any trouble since my house has three bedrooms. The twins can stay in the room next to yours. I have plenty of money to take care of the bills and I don't have the added expense of rent. It's the best solution to the problem."
"We don't want to be a bother," T.K. informed him in a definitive tone.
"You could never be a bother," Matt replied softly, his love for his brother shining through the tears in his eyes. "You don't have much time left. I want to spend as much of that time as I can with you. Please, let me do this for you."
When T.K. looked at me I nodded. I knew how much this would mean to both of them.
With a smile of both happiness and sorrow, T.K. nodded in agreement. The rest of the night we spent organizing everything.
**************End Flashback************
Matt was a life saver over those next few months. He somehow kept things running smoothly around us, not letting anything intrude. I still don't know how he got that leave of absence from school for me, especially since I was on a scholarship, but he did.
I didn't really notice it then, but later I recalled how he seemed to waste away with you. Matt became thinner and paler as time passed. He did everything he could to make those months as good as they could be, inspite of the fact that he was slowly dying inside.
Looking back, I realize that it was his example that helped me carry on. For all the time that you hung on I just kind of moved around in a daze and spent most of my time with you. I nearly lost it when you died. Then Matt helped me begin picking up the pieces. He got me talking to your mom, which really helped me a lot. Maybe that's why I didn't notice at first when he continued to deteriorate.
It was only a few weeks ago that I looked at him, I mean really looked at him. I was shocked to see the state he was in. His hair was a mess and his clothes had obviously seen better days. At first I couldn't believe the thin bean pole in front of me was the same big brother who had taken care of us all those months. From then on I made a point of stopping by every few days to check up on him.
The others also started checking on him. Joe and Mimi call at least twice a week and visit at least once. His lack of response discouraged them, but they still keep trying. Tai and Sora visit twice a week and call him on at least three other days. Both are getting anxious and Tai has lost his temper a time or two. It's killing him to see his best friend like this. Izzy and Cody often visit with me. I ask them because I don't like going over there by myself. It always depresses me so badly that I want to cry and Izzy is a good friend. Tai would just explode and Joe would panic at my tears. Davis, Yolei, and Ken go together. After the funeral Davis used to call every day, but I think he's finally accepting that I'm still grieving in my own way. He still calls every now and then but he doesn't try to get me to go out anymore. I'm glad, because right now I need my space as I sift through the ashes of our life together and try to build a new one. Having the twins has helped, but I'm very worried about Matt.
Exhaustion weighs my body down. That bout of crying really took its toll on me, I guess. I'll need to get up early to help Nancy get the kids fed. Tomorrow I'll go visit Matt again. Maybe I'll find a way to break through the shell he placed around himself.
Putting the diary away, I get ready for bed as quickly as I can. Climbing in, I settle myself comfortably and turn off the light. Before I go to sleep I say the same thing I said each night since our wedding night.
*I love you, my darling angel of hope. Good night, T.K.* Then I added the part I still wasn't used to even after a year. *I miss you, my love.*
A golden angel stood appeared beside her bed. T.K. smiled tenderly at his wife. 'I love you, too, my angel of light. Good night and sweet dreams, Kari. I miss you, too, but don't worry. I'll help all of you get through this. You can always count on me, my love.'
The words sounded almost musical as they floated as gently as a breeze to the sleeping woman's ears. She smiled a bittersweet smile as she fell into a deeper sleep. All night long the angel stayed with her, watching over her as he figured out how he could help the ones he held so dear. Inspite of his worry he was at peace. He was with his beloved wife and that was the important thing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, I hope that helps. At a later point in the series I'm going to give some glimpses of what those last few months were like. Thanks for reading this and please tell me what you think. I hope you enjoyed this. Bye.