Title: The Desert Well
Summary: Nick and Greg email each other while Nick's in Hawaii for his bug convention. Both men are still reeling from the aftereffects of the Haskell murder.
Genre: Friendship, Hurt/Comfort
Rating: K+
Spoilers: In A Dark, Dark House; chapter two will contain spoilers for Cello and Goodbye and 73 Seconds
Author: This story is dedicated to my wonderful friend CMAli!
A man takes his sadness down to the river and throws it in the river, but then he's still left with the river.
A man takes his sadness and throws it away, but then he's still left with his hands.
-Richard Siken
2nd September, 2012
from: nstokes
to: greghsanders
I've been in Hawaii for a couple of days now. I spend my free time down by the water. The beach is lovely, and it makes me think of you. I know you would have loved it here, and I'm sorry you couldn't come. I'm not the only one who needed a break.
Honestly, I wasn't planning on writing you at all. I wanted to use this time away from Vegas to escape for a while. I've been thinking of what you said at the airport when you dropped me off. I'm not 'running away' as you said. I just want a brief respite.
Don't lose hope.
N. Stokes.
4th September, 2012
from: greghsanders
to: nstokes
Still got some hope left in me, I think…but we're certainly lacking in it at the lab. Everything is odd and quiet. Catherine's seething about her demotion; Sara and I are keeping each other sane. Everyone's been wondering why you haven't written to them, or called.
I didn't expect you to write to me after that scene at the airport. I was out of line. It was only after our fight that I thought about just how hard Langston's case has hit you. I should have known how you were feeling, especially because I was feeling the same way. Still am. It scares me to know that all it took was a desire for revenge to made Langston kill him. What's stopping us from doing the same in that situation?
The new supervisor's here. Name's D.B. Russell. He's a good CSI, but he's strange. I think I could grow to like him, but he strikes me as someone you may not appreciate.
You were lucky to get away when you did. IA's been all over us after the Langston fiasco. A couple of their men were in Russell's office a few days ago. Everyone's walking on eggshells and air's tense and heavy like it is just before a desert storm. That's what Vegas needs now: some rain… any water, really—an oasis, a well, gimme something. What is it that they say about the desert and a well?
G.
5th September, 2012
from: nstokes
to: greghsanders
What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it is hiding a well. It's from a book I used to read as a child, The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. Did you read it too?
But really, Greg, you sound like your mind's a mess. I can't understand what you could possibly mean about needing the rain. How will the rain solve anything?
You need a distraction. You're too focused on work and I can tell that it's taking a lot out of you. I know how much damage it can do to you to work too hard; I've been guilty of it myself. Take my word for it and cut back on your hours now, before it's too late, or else you'll wake up one day and all that pain and all those cases will hit you real hard.
This is advice I should have given you a long time ago, when you first became a CSI, but I didn't think of it then. Anyway, you turned out okay in the end.
Promise me you'll take a step back and be careful.
N. Stokes
6th September 2012
from: greghsanders
to: nstokes
Maybe you're right. Maybe I do need a break. To be honest, I don't even know what I meant about the rain. I emailed you pretty late; I was tired. I guess my mind just wasn't working right.
My mother used to quote the Little Prince a lot, but I never read the book myself. I've never been able to fully grasp the significance of that quotation, but something about that lonesome well out in the desert seems portentous. Now, I feel like it's got something to do with Vegas, something I can't quite comprehend.
But the desert is full of such mysteries: remember a couple of years ago, we were out in the desert when a black horse appeared out of nowhere and came running straight at us, turned away at the last second and just… disappeared? There seems to be no meaning in it that I can see…
But how's Hawaii? You didn't say much about how you're doing. How's the convention going? When will you be back home?
7th September, 2012
from: nstokes
to: greghsanders
The convention goes on for two more weeks. My flight is on the 20th and I should be back at work the next day. See you then!
As I said earlier, Hawaii's been good for me. It's wonderful to be in vacation mode and still be getting some work done. This bug stuff's real interesting; I can see why Griss was interested in it (Okay, actually I can't understand why he loves bugs THAT much. His cockroach races always freaked me out.)
But you were right. I can't escape this feeling by just goin' on holiday. It pisses me off that Langston pulled all that shit, and we're the ones who've got to suffer for it. It's all politics, man, I'm telling you. It's just fucking great. Ecklie gets to please the IA and screw up our team in one stroke. The more I think about it, the more it makes me mad.
Sorry, man, I gotta go. The next bug session starts in ten minutes.
See you soon!
N. Stokes
12th September, 2012
from: greghsanders
to: nstokes
You think the roach races are bad? He proposed to Sara over a beehive!
I kinda get that the sheriff and Ecklie had to take significant measures against the team after everything that happened. After all, it may have been Langston who killed a guy, but WE'RE the ones who covered up for him. Don't forget that.
But seriously, it's taxing to work with a new supervisor. It's bad enough breaking in a new CSI, but to have the new guy IN CHARGE is just crazy. So Cath may not have been the kind of supervisor we were used to with Grissom, but at least she's a friend, and at least she had you.
If I'm being honest though, I'm just exhausted. Tired of having new people on the team who don't know us at all. Russell's trying, though; I'll give him that. Can't say he's entirely successful. He called me into his office the other day, and told me to talk to him about "everything I've been through" (his words) at the lab. So I said, you know, just read my file. He already HAD, so I don't understand what more he wanted to know.
I get it: he wants to know our weaknesses and our strengths. But does he really expect us to want to dig up bad memories. He means well, but it's tiring. He asked me if I left the lab because of the explosion… It's partly true, I guess, but it took me by surprise. I just didn't think I was that transparent. (Or maybe he's just a good CSI?) I don't regret becoming a CSI, but honestly, I still feel like kind of a wuss for leaving the lab.
But don't worry about him reading your file; what you've done looks brave even on paper.
G.
PS: Sorry I took a while to reply to your email. It's been a tough week. Tell me what the ocean looks like today?
13th September, 2012
from: nstokes
to: greghsanders
Hey, man, come on. Remember what I told you: don't take work home with you. Russell's not gonna care what's written in your file. Work well, work right. And you can't do that if you all tense about what's he might be thinking about you. Just breathe. And don't talk too much like you usually do when you're nervous!
The sea: I think you'd call it champagne-bottle green, but with hints of blue… the same blue on the lining of the grey pinstripe suit I bought you for your birthday last year, but a shade darker. Farther from shore it's dark and deep.
I'll admit, I've never been crazy about the ocean like you are. More of a ranch and horses kinda guy, but Hawaii might be changing that.
N. Stokes.
13th September, 2012
from: greghsanders
to: nstokes
YOU'RE one to tell me not to be too tense! What a joke! You're the one who's so riled up you had to leave!
13th September, 2012
from: nstokes
to: greghsanders
Haha, Greg. That's a pretty strong reaction for someone who's not tense. Come on; don't fight with me again. Remind me what the desert smells like?
With love,
Nick.
15th September, 2012
from: greghsanders
to: nstokes
You're right. I'm sorry. Look, as an apology I even went all the way out to the desert, late at night, to smell the desert for you.
Lake mead smells like dusty water, but the desert itself… you can taste it more than smell it. The night's so pure it makes you want to just close your eyes and breathe it in. We should go out to the lake more often, and not JUST to process a floater (day in the life, no big deal).
We went out to the desert for your birthday last year; we should do that again. We never did tell you everything that happened after you fell asleep. We played cards and drank beer, but you knew that already. Afterwards we were just sitting there, watching you sleep, looking at the stars… And Sara—remember, we were all a little drunk—she leant over and kissed you on the forehead. That had all three of us in a fit of giggles. But then Catherine took it one step further, and really kissed you, ON THE MOUTH! I was mortified!
We were listening to Simon & Garfunkel. Catherine's choice of course. "Cathy, I'm lost, I said, though I knew she was sleeping." She loves that one.
And then we were just sitting there watching the world… I was sitting by your feet, and when no one was looking, I grabbed your ankle. It seems so strange that the weight of a person's entire body rests on their ankles. And your ankle felt so strong, because you always took it one step further. You carried the weight of the whole world.
Have we lost that? Have we lost that purity of heart that allowed us to care inclusively for everything in this world? Did we lose it when we covered up for a killer?
A man takes his sadness down to the lake, and he throws it in the lake, but then he's still left with the lake. A man takes his sadness and throws it away, but then he's still left with his hands.
G.
15th September, 2012
from: nstokes
to: greghsanders
Don't write these strange letters. You don't seem well to me. You're on edge, like you were after Papa Olaf died. You have not stopped to breathe. And these emails must be making it worse. It's very dangerous to write; all the truth comes out.
I know what you think. I know you think I'm in a bad way because I felt the need to run away to Hawaii. But have you ever stopped to look at yourself? At least I knew what I needed; at least I gave myself a break. You're not invincible, Greg. You're not made of wood or steel. You can't just cut your hair short, wear suits to work and suddenly become invulnerable.
You hold yourself so still, so tense that sometimes I think you might break. Your hair always looks like you've been tugging at it. You have your fun, you have your laughs, and your flirtations and your parties—but what do you really want? Nights in the desert with Cath, and Sara and me? With beer and cards and kisses and the Sound of Silence? Nights when our friends were with us, our friends were alive, our friends were intact? Your nostalgia's gonna kill you.
Like it's killing me.
Nicky.
Chapter 2 takes place after Nick's back in Vegas with spoilers for the season 12 premiere. Nick and Greg meet face to face! Thanks for reading!