"Hey man, it's me...Just calling to say... 'hey'. Give me a call back, uh...if you have a minute. I wanted to see what you were up to later. Ok. Well, talk to you later, I guess." Zak facepalmed, exhaling deeply as he hung up the phone. He was pretty sure he had decided to hang up if Nick didn't answer. But no. He had to leave a message, which always went great… Oh well. Too late to take it back now. He couldn't help himself anyway. It had been a few days since he'd seen or talked to Nick and he had to admit he was getting kind of desperate. That's the problem when you're secretly in love with your best friend. It makes it really hard to strike that balance between normal friendship behavior and lovesick stalker. He groaned audibly, rubbing his temples. He hated when he got like this, which was always these days. He tried so hard to push it out of his mind and focus all his energy on work. That's why he was always taking on side projects. Idle hands and all...But lately, it had been getting harder and harder to bury his feelings for the man. But he had to. There had been a time before Zak realized he was in love with Nick, however brief, but that was years ago and Zak had been living with the agony of his realization ever since. He had spent the better part of the past 5 years swallowing his feelings, pushing them down so deep that some days he could almost pretend he wasn't feeling them. Anything to keep Nick in his life. Better to have him as a friend then not at all. At least that's what Zak kept telling himself to make the pain more manageable. He closed his eyes, resting his head on the back of the couch while he tried to come up with something to distract himself when his phone buzzed next to him. He grabbed it before the first full buzz finished and smiled wide at Nick's name displayed on the screen. "You're alive!" he said, answering the call still smiling widely.
"Hey, man." Nick said. And Zak was pleased to hear a smile in his voice. "I saw you called, sorry I missed it. I just landed."
"No worries, dude. Just...checking in." Zak couldn't help but notice how just talking to Nick already had him feeling more relaxed. "You busy tonight?" he asked hopefully.
"No. I'm free. You wanna hang?"
"Yes!" Zak answered enthusiastically. "Dude, I've been so bored the past few days. I need to get out of my house!" Nick laughed and Zak's smile grew impossibly wider.
"Tell me you weren't down in that damn dungeon again." Nick asked with a laugh. "You're such a hermit, I swear…"
"I wasn't." Zak protested. "Well...not the whole time."
"Seriously… I gotta start getting you a babysitter when I go out of town." Nick laughed. "Well, let's get you out of the house. You wanna get a drink or something?"
"Yeah, man. That sounds great. Commonwealth?" Zak suggested.
"Sure, that sounds good. I gotta take a shower but I could meet you there at... 8?" Nick asked.
"Ok, see you then!" Zak said, excitedly. He hung up the phone, inhaling deeply. Just knowing he was going to get his Nick fix had his spirits lifting.
"Sorry, sorry, sorry…" Zak said, scrambling up to the table. Nick sat there with a knowing smile on his face, swirling his half-empty drink. "The traffic was nuts...and then I couldn't find parking. Sorry." Nick just chuckled to himself.
"Don't worry about it, man. I should have known better than to show up on time." He said. Zak sat down across from him, grinning widely. It had only been a few days, but seeing Nick always felt like coming home.
"It's good to see you, man." Zak said, unconsciously reaching across the table to pat the younger man's shoulder. He knew his hand was lingering a little too long but he felt powerless to move it. And sure enough, Nick looked up, meeting his eyes with what Zak could only describe as confusion. He pulled his hand away, already feeling the redness crawling up his neck. "Anyway... I need a drink." he said, clearing his throat and silently cursing himself. Nick put his hand up, grabbing the attention of their waitress. She walked over with a friendly smile on her face.
"Oh, good." she said taking a look at Zak. "I was beginning to worry that my friend here was getting stood up." she joked. Zak laughed nervously at the implication, shifting his eyes toward Nick.
"Nope." Zak said. "Just running a little late. That's all."
"Good." she said "Now, what can I get you to drink?"
"Um...I'll just have a beer." Zak said
"And a couple shots of whiskey." Nick added with a mischievous grin.
"Coming right up." She said, turning to leave the table.
"So, how was your trip?" Zak asked, trying really hard not to be jealous. Once a year, Nick would go on a trip with his college roommate. And every year, Zak would sit at home, jealous and missing him. This year it was camping, which thankfully made Zak a little less envious.
"We had so much fun, dude. You wouldn't believe the mountains. It was beautiful." Nick said, eyes alive with excitement. "We did some fishing, some climbing and basically just got drunk in the woods. You would've hated it." he finished with a laugh.
"No I wouldn't have." Zak lied. "I love nature."
"Sure, for a couple hours maybe." Nick said with a laugh. "When's the last time you slept outside under the stars?" Zak felt himself getting defensive but the truth was, he couldn't remember the last time he had actually camped.
"Whatever, dude." He said with a huff. "I could have had fun."
"Yeah, yeah...I'll believe it when I see it." Nick said with a chuckle. The waitress reappeared with their drinks, which Nick took gratefully. He slid a shot in Zak's direction and held his own up toward the older man. Zak was still feeling a little defensive and jealous, but he tried his best to smile as he clinked their glasses together and felt the warmth crawl down his throat.
"So, what have you been up to the past few days?" Nick asked after setting his shot glass down on the table and signaling the waitress for another round. Zak was embarrassed to admit that he'd pretty much spent the whole time in his dungeon working on projects and sulking.
"Oh, you know. Worked, hung out with Gracie, the usual." he answered lamely.
"Damn it, Zak. I knew you spent the whole time in your dungeon." Nick answered, a little frustrated. This was a disagreement they had somewhat regularly and Zak was already preparing his argument.
"Not the whole time, Nick. I told you, I hung out with Gracie too." Zak said, finishing off his beer.
"Hung out, what does that mean?" Nick asked.
"Like, I took her for walks and stuff. Played fetch." Zak said, defending himself.
"Oh, so you fulfilled her basic needs as a dog and spent the rest of the time locked away in your creepy-ass, dark basement?" He said, eyebrows raising as he awaited confirmation. Zak didn't bother answering since Nick had pretty much hit the nail on the head. "Why do you do that, Zak? Why do you open yourself up to the darkness like that? I swear, you wanna let it in. It's not healthy, man." Zak swallowed the answer he really wanted to give with another shot of whiskey. He couldn't tell Nick the real reason he sat in his basement all day. He couldn't tell him that it's because he can't get off the couch, can't make himself get dressed. He can't explain that when Nick's not around, all he can think about is how lonely and empty he feels, like all the sun has been sucked out of his body and he's left with only a dull ache where it used to be. That he feels like the shell of the man he can pretend to be when Nick is around. No, he can't tell him that.
"My dungeon is not creepy." he managed. "I thought you were supposed to be some kind of professional ghost hunter?" he said, trying to play it off as a joke. But Nick's stare was not a joking one, and he started to worry that his own face may be giving him away.
"I'm worried about you, man." Nick said, sincerely. "I get that you need time to yourself. And that's fine. But...you spend too much of your life surrounded by darkness. You deserve some fun every now and then."
"That's what I keep you around for." Zak says jokingly, even though nothing could be more true. Nick was his silver lining. He had the power to lift the weight of the world from Zak's shoulders and he didn't even know. "I get it, man. I hear you." Zak said, noticing that Nick wasn't happy with making light of the situation.
"Do you?" Nick asked seriously. "Because I'm here for you, you know? If you need to talk...about anything." Zak worked to control the emotions he allowed to play across his face as he started in on a new beer. His heart swelled with love for Nick. It was clear to him how much Nick cared about his well-being. But he couldn't help but feel the familiar ache of knowing that his feelings would never be the love that Zak craved. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and absorbing the new crack in his heart. "Zak?" Nick asked, sounding worried.
"I know." Zak said, looking Nick in the eyes. "I know you're here for me. And it means a lot... More than you know." The last bit escaping his lips before his mind was able to edit. It was more than he would have said if he hadn't been drinking, but the smile on Nick's face told him that he hadn't said too much.
Zak watched Nick intently as he held his side, laughing so hard there were actual tears rolling from his eyes. He was telling a story from his trip, the details were a little fuzzy but Zak was pretty sure he'd gotten the basic gist. Zak laughed too, smile pulling tight on his cheeks as he watched the younger man. Nick got like this when he was drunk; giggly and happy and bright-eyed. And Zak was pretty sure it was one of the most beautiful things he'd ever seen. He'd lost count of how many drinks they'd had, but he was feeling the effects himself. His guard was down and he allowed himself to drag his eyes over Nick's face unabashedly.
"How come we never go on trips?" Zak asked before he knew he was talking. He felt his face color immediately. He had always tried to keep his jealousy about these weekends to himself. He knew he didn't own Nick's friendship and he didn't want the younger man reading into anything too much.
"Um...I don't know?" Nick said, taking a second to think about it. "I guess we just travel so much for work, I assumed you wouldn't want to spend more time with me." Nick said with a laugh.
"We're spending time together now." Zak said. "I probably spend more time with you than anyone." The alcohol had him feeling emboldened to say things he would normally only think. "I haven't gotten sick of you yet. I don't think I ever will." He looked Nick dead in the eyes, trying his best to convey the truth in those words.
"Oh." Nick said, clearly taken aback. But a smile pulled at the sides of his mouth. "Then we should plan something. It would be fun."
"We should." Zak said nodding his head in agreement. "Just no camping."
"I knew it!" Nick laughed triumphantly. "I knew you hated camping. Mr. 'I love the outdoors'. See, I know you better than anyone." he finished with a smirk.
"Whatever." Zak said with a laugh. "You don't know everything about me."
"Try me." Nick said, voice dropping an octave. He had a look in his eyes that Zak couldn't pinpoint. But whatever it was gave him butterflies in his stomach. His heart raced as he looked into Nick's eyes, suddenly scared of what might slip out of his mouth. He lifted his beer to wet his dry mouth as he fought to put words together.
"We all have our secrets, Nick." he said, flicking his eyes back up to meet his friend's. Nick stared at him for a moment before breaking eye contact and taking a drink of his own beer.
"Yeah, I guess we do." He said.