Author's Note: Cas~! T_T I'm a huge Castiel fan and I also firmly believe that is not the end of Castiel (as I will discuss below at the end with my story notes). Spoilers for Season 7. This can be seen as pre-slash for Dean/Castiel or just friendship.
The Goodbye of Tomorrow
By: Sailor Moonac
From his short tenure as a human and as a self-proclaimed God, Castiel has never had the experience of drowning. It wasn't pleasant, obviously, but nor was it that awful. At least not comparatively. Fighting two different archangels and being atomised both times was far worse, even if it was only for a short time before nothing. Nonexistence. But drowning…drowning was different. Castiel imagines for a human, it would an awful experience. The feeling of helplessness, the darkness, the painful burn of your lungs, the fight to resist the urge to draw breath…but Castiel is, despite everything, still an angel, and angels don't need to breathe. Once the agonising pain of the Leviathans clawing their way through him to the surface of his consciousness passed, there was only the darkness and the sinking feeling of drowning. Or at least, what Castiel thinks drowning would feel like.
It's a relief.
That thought alone should sound so wrong to Castiel, but it was also his only thought among hundreds—thousands of voices, sneering and laughing cheering and taunting and simply not his own thought. It's clarity, something Castiel had been fighting for since his pride swallowed the whole of Purgatory.
Castiel supposes Dean would be quite angry with him if he ever heard him say that. But Castiel doesn't even know what Dean thinks of him anymore. Therefore, it's a relief to be drowning; it means the end. Castiel muses to himself among the other loud noises in his consciousness, it's only natural. Castiel has been fighting for so many years; hopeless, without direction, and consequentially of his actions, all alone. It's a relief to finally let it all go, succumb to the darkness and drown in the voices overpowering his grace, his conscious, his heart…it's a relief.
Would Dean be angry with me?
The noises and voices surrounding Castiel's existence surge angrily.
They don't like me thinking about Dean?
As if in confirmation, the darkness pushes against Castiel tighter, the feeling Castiel can only associate with what a human calls drowning, filling his grace in vile blackness.
Dean.
No…it seems that one thought fills Castiel with greater clarity than the thought of giving up. But does that matter? It's all Castiel's fault. Everything.
I'm sorry. Dean.
The blackness drowning Castiel and his grace is now never ending. The voices and noises and Castiel's own thoughts merging into one loud, mesh of static in Castiel's conscious. But Dean's name still echoes loudly in the conglomeration of violent sound.
Dean. I wanted…I wanted to say goodbye. I wanted to say goodbye to you properly.
The blackness that defiles Castiel's grace is suffocating, tugging and draining his consciousness. Castiel is tired, so very tired and would rather drown in to the nothingness then to fight on fruitlessly with no one to stand with him. But Dean's name still brings clarity to him.
Dean.
Castiel wants to see him again. Castiel thought he would never see him again as he opened the gate to Purgatory. Castiel thought he had already said his final words to him. But Castiel isn't satisfied.
Hope. I was still alive. Dean.
Castiel had promised to redeem himself to him, and Sam, and Bobby, and the world. Castiel had so much hope—but now he's drowning.
Dean. I want to say goodbye to you. I want to redeem myself to you. I want to see you again.
The blackness that is the Leviathans, roar angrily around Castiel. Castiel is drowning in them, but Castiel still has one life line left to the surface.
Dean.
So Castiel hangs on and repeats his thoughts, over and over again even as the Leviathans fight to drown him and devour his hope. The roar of noises that is akin to white, static noise…there is only one clarity for Castiel…
Dean…Dean…Dean…Dean…
This is the shortest thing I've ever written, which would be another record for me. I suppose this would be my first drabble, but we literally see not!Castiel for like 3 minutes in the second episode. I honestly doubt Castiel, that tough little nerdy angel, would be completely snuffed out like that, so I'm hanging on to the hope that Castiel is still alive in there. I wanted to characterise Castiel's thoughts in those final moments, and I figured it would be very jumbled, hence the almost stream of conscious writing of this drabble.
In fact, I kind of believe it was confirmed [for me at least] that Castiel is still alive in there because 1) the Leviathans that escaped and were feeding knew intimate details about the Winchesters and Bobby, and 2) because the Leviathans have a Boss that we have not seen on screen. The Boss is probably still in Castiel—well technically Jimmy—and Castiel cannot be dead for the boss to pick out information from Cas to use against the Winchesters and Bobby. Sure, they could have gotten that information before Castiel sent the souls back into Purgatory or before they completely took over, but I also doubt they could glean that much out of Castiel when he was still in control. So yeah, Cas is still alive, I believe it.
On a side note, season 7 is turning about pretty good. Definitely better than the confusing mess of season 6. Now let's just hope the writers won't let us down about Cas.
-Sailor Moonac