Perhaps it had started when he died.

Commander Shepard's death had left them all distraught. Whatever his flaws, he'd been the anchor holding the crew together, and many mourned him as not just their captain but as a friend. Tali had been surprised by the strength of her own reaction, though they had become friends she'd always had mixed feelings about Shepard. He was such an odd combination of contradictions, by turns kind or callous, brave or selfish, charming or brusque. He would berate the other crew for mistrusting Tali and the other non-humans then go on xenophobic rants about the Council picking on humans, and although Tali found herself inexplicably attracted to him, after seeing the way Shepard tried to juggle Liara and Ashley she was mostly glad that he didn't seem to notice that she was a woman under her suit. After Tali returned to her old life on the Flotilla she had expected to put the destruction of the Normandy behind her, certainly that's what Shepard himself would have done, and she'd been surprised to find herself missing him, and missing the ship, more than she'd expected.

Of course this was nothing compared to Liara's reaction. But she had always loved him more.

It had been chaos on the Alliance ship after the rescue, everyone milling around as they were helped from the life pods, medics helping the injured and officers trying to piece together what had happened, and all the while everyone was comparing notes and passing on the names of those who had not survived: Pressley, Grieco, Pakti…Shepard. Tali had had trouble believing it, Shepard had always seemed so indestructible, so alive. Their rescuers didn't seem to know what to do with Tali and the other non-humans, and they'd ended up having to console each other in a small meeting room, the four of them trying to overcome the fact that the only thing they had in common with each other was that they nothing in common with the rest of the crew.

"Did anyone get a look at the bastards that did this?" asked Wrex. He'd been keeping track of events on his omnitool and seemed possessed of an enviable calm, perhaps when you'd lived as long as he had the destruction of your ship and the death of your captain became mundane.

Tali had pulled down one of the chairs stacked haphazardly around the room and was sitting with her hands gripping the seat. It had all been so sudden, she felt like the world had tipped upside down and she couldn't get her balance. "I barely knew we were under attack before I heard the order to evacuate," she said, her voice sounding weak even to her. "But Joker said the ship was huge, and not like anything he'd ever seen before. Definitely not the geth, he said it almost looked organic." Joker had been a mess, he blamed himself for Shepard's death and when not answering people's questions had stared vacantly into space with haunted eyes.

"Great," said Garrus. He was pacing fitfully around the small room, and despite his light tone his voice was a little shaky too. "Someone new is trying to kill us. Did kill some of us, poor bastards. I can't believe…do we know for certain that Shepard is dead?"

"Seems so," said Wrex. "What was left of the Normandy got sucked into the gravity of the nearby planets, even if he'd survived the attack he'd have burned up on re-entry. All that's left up there is a few bits of twisted metal and some dust."

A small sob came from the corner of the room. Although Liara could also sit on the rigid human chairs she had chosen instead to sit on the floor, and was curled up with her knees under her chin, her arms tight around her legs. She looked up at Wrex, her eyes purpled and bloodshot. "But they have not found the body?" she said.

"A single dead body somewhere on the surface of a planet? No, not yet. Sure it's just a matter of time though."

Tali had always found Liara difficult to relate to, friendly in a distant sort of way but very focussed on her own interests and somewhat naive and dreamy. She had become a little erratic after the battle of the Citadel, Tali wasn't sure of the exact nature of their relationship but had gotten the impression that things between Liara and Shepard had become strained. Now, however, Liara's eyes burned with determination. "I will find him," she said. "If I have to comb every inch of those planets myself."

Liara left not long after that. It didn't take long for the rest of them to drift off as well, the humans back to the Alliance, Garrus back to the Citadel, Wrex to his own people and Tali to hers.

Back on the Flotilla Tali's pilgrimage felt like a long strange dream, a brief walk in the wider galaxy before she started her adult life in service to the fleet. Not that she was in any danger of forgetting her time on the Normandy, even on the Flotilla the battle of the Citadel was big news and a popular story, and she became practiced at retelling it. Tali found that each time she narrated their adventures it all sounded a little less murky and a little more heroic, people were much more interested in hearing about the dramatic escapes and brave rescues than about the brainwashed colonists they'd shot or the hostages they'd let die. And the further Tali worked her way up the ranks the more she understood and respected Shepard's willingness to ignore politics and stick to what he felt was right and necessary, even if she hadn't alway agreed with his decisions. Perhaps she missed his company as well, her comrades were like family but they were not really friends, and there were none of them she trusted to have her back in a fight like she had trusted Shepard.

Of course, it was one thing to miss Shepard, and another to see him again, unexpectedly alive and working for Cerberus. And then he'd asked her to join him, his voice hoarse with a lonely need she had not seen in him before.

That time she had said no, putting the good of the fleet first. The third time he saved her life, she said yes. It was all rather inevitable after that.

Tali ran her fingers over the smooth brown skin of Ethan's arm. She felt along the bumps and ridges of muscle and bone, all warmth and strength and the steady beat of his pulse. Strange to think that under that skin was a web of cybernetics and metal fibres and whatever else Cerberus had decided to put inside him. She tried to catalogue the sensation, to keep it as a memory for however long it was until she could touch him again, assuming she ever got another opportunity. She brushed her hand up his neck and across his lips.

"Didn't you used to have scars here?" she asked.

Ethan smiled. The way he looked at her…whatever happened, this was worth it. "Yes," he said. "Before I died. I'm surprised you noticed."

"I spent a lot of time thinking about doing this," she said, and kissed him with a gentle brush of her lips. "Though in my head it was a little less, uh, chaste."

"I apologise on behalf of my poisonous left handed DNA. If you'd rather kiss Garrus…"

Tali laughed. "No, I think I prefer you, Shepard. Ethan."

"Glad to hear it," he said. He placed his hand across her lips, the five short fingers soft like a kiss, and she felt a strange tingle on her tongue. Ethan smiled at her look of shock. "Biotics aren't just good for killing people, you know. Do you like it?"

"Yes," she said. "Yes, I…do you think you could do that when I'm wearing my suit?"

"I don't see why not," he replied. Ethan held his hand a handsbreadth from Tali's face, a blue glow extending to softly stroke her cheek.

"Oh," said Tali. She thought about the possibilities for a moment and then grinned. "Oh I think you will definitely do."

Afterwards Tali lay against his chest, feeling tired but happy. She really should get up and start the long unpleasant process of decontamination, but while it felt strange to be out of her suit there was a unique joy in just lying here, Ethan's skin warm against hers, the little hairs on his chest tickling against her face. Part of her was distracted, worrying about the lost crew and the battle to come, but it all seemed very distant. Was this affection she felt for him love? Whatever it was, the feeling filled her completely, a radiating happiness no longer occluded by fears that Ethan would reject her, that he would be unable to see past her suit or accept her true alien form. Tali was not so naive as to think that this could last forever, but they were probably going to die anyway. She sat up slightly to smile at Ethan and sniffed and rubbed her nose.

"Are you ok?" asked Ethan.

"Oh yes, I'm fine," said Tali. "I feel...I feel much better than ok, actually. I mean, that was…um… Anyway. It will probably take a day or so for any infection to incubate, and hopefully by then this will all be resolved one way or another."

"That's not why I asked," he said. "I…" He kissed her hand. "I don't want to hurt you. Not now, not ever. If you died I would never forgive myself."

"Ethan," she said. "We're about to go on a suicide mission. I'd much rather die from…from this than be killed by the Collectors without having ever touched you, without having ever shown you my face." She tilted her head. "And what happened to the old Shepard who said that death is inevitable and guilt a pointless distraction? Don't tell me you have a different standard for your…uh…for me." "Damn right I do," he said. "And…that Shepard died two years ago. I'm not him any more."

"You have seemed different," she said, noncommittally. She did not add "You've seemed better". There was a thoughtfulness in Ethan now that she had not seen back on the old Normandy, while he could still be astoundingly callous he often showed an empathetic concern for others that surprised her. She was fairly sure that part of this was a result of him trying to show her the best of himself, more concerned with Tali's good opinion now that he was interested in her. But she did not think he had been so kind to Liara, and was not so vain as to think it was because of any difference in her.

"I'm just…" Ethan's red-brown eyes looked tired and sad. "I'm just sick of death, of losing people. I used to be able to stop it from bothering me, but lately it's like I can't separate myself from all the crap in here any more." He tapped his temple. "I'd think it was Cerberus messing with my head but I can't see how they'd see this as useful. Sometimes I wonder if…if Liara broke something in me. Or fixed it, maybe. She was always trying to get me to open up more, at least she was until she got a chance to see what I was repressing." Ethan sighed. "Or maybe I'm just getting old and sentimental."

She thought about pointing out that he was not that old. But that would be avoiding the subject.

They'd never talked about his relationship with Liara, Ethan had never brought it up and if she was honest with herself Tali had wanted to avoid hearing something that would make her feel like being with Ethan was wrong. When she'd asked Garrus what had happened on Ilium he'd said that Liara been…different: Ruthless and obsessed with revenge, with little time for conversation even with Ethan. Tali had found it hard to imagine.

She frowned. "Ethan…"

"Come on," he said, kissing her forehead and then sitting up. "We'll be through the relay soon and Mordin gave me this whole lecture about the importance of, uh, post-contact sterilisation. There were diagrams and everything."

Jack whooped with joy. "HELL YEAH! DIE YOU FUCKERS! IN YOUR FACE CERBERUS!" she shouted gleefully. She grinned at Ethan and whacked him in the shoulder. "Biotic fistbump!"

He grinned back and their fists met in a blur of blue sparks, then the two of them were flung backwards in either direction, laughing. "Like I was going to let them have that base," said Ethan, picking himself up. "The last thing we need is to give Cerberus more power." He frowned at Jack's other arm, which hung limply at her side. "Hey, are you alright?" he asked.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, think I broke my arm or something when that beam fell on me. Thanks for getting it off me by the way." Jack looked nonchalant, but was wobbling slightly on her feet. "Actually," she said, "I might…see if Chakwas is back in the med bay yet." She wandered off, looking slightly dazed but still triumphant.

Ethan turned to Tali, his face glowing with a fierce joy. She should have never have doubted that they would succeed, Ethan was like a force of nature, a god of righteous destruction defending the galaxy. The Collectors hadn't stood a chance. "We did it!" he said. "God, I wasn't sure we'd make it, but we did it."

Tali laughed, still trying to catch her breath. "That reaper! Keelah! Are all your human embryos so terrifying?"

"That depends on who you ask," said Ethan. "I'm sure it's mother loved it. Actually…you know I'd really rather not think about that thing having a mother. Hey, come here." He grabbed her and planted a kiss on her visor.

"Eww," said Tali. "Now I can't see."

"Yeah, well, now my teeth hurt, so we're even." He turned to Joker. "So, everyone made it?"

"Seems like," said Joker, not lifting his eyes from the controls. "Now if you'll excuse me I have to make sure we don't all die in a giant fiery explosion."

"If you wish to check on the rest of the crew," said the voice of EDI, "I believe that many of them have gathered in the mess hall for an impromptu celebration."

Ethan grabbed Tali's hand. "Come on," he said. "You can watch the rest of us get gloriously drunk."

"Oh yes, that sounds like fun," said Tali, dubiously.

The problem with doing something stupid before a suicide mission is that sometimes suicide missions don't kill you.

Tali had prepared herself for death. She'd prepared herself for rejection, too, for Ethan to decide it wasn't worth the risk, for him to not be attracted to her out of the suit, for him to reject her once she was back in the suit. But she hadn't prepared herself for hope, for the fluttery half-painful feeling she got every time Ethan smiled at her to continue with no obvious end in sight. In some ways it was scarier, she felt vulnerable and off balance. Tali trusted Ethan with her life, but she was less sure she could trust him with her heart.

But then he smiled at her again. "We could always leave early," he said. "You could teach me to understand the complexities of quarian technology." He pulled her hand to his lips, and she felt the shiver of his biotic field against her fingertips through the suit. "For example: I hear tell that these things have a vibrate setting?"

"Not exactly," said Tali, laughing. She ran her thumb along the edge of his cheek. "You should know, a quarian environment suit is a complex piece of equipment. You would, um…probably need more than one lesson to really learn the uh…"

"Ins and outs?" finished Ethan.

"Oh that was terrible," said Tali. "But yes. Would you be… interested? In that?"

"A long term course of study?" replied Ethan. "Yes, I think I might be. I can see myself being a very dedicated student." He stopped walking and looked her in the eye. "But Tali," he said, more seriously. "I'll understand if you don't…"

"TAAALLIII!" She found herself unexpectedly tackle-hugged by a blur of red and black. "There you guys are!" said Kasumi happily. "I've been looking everywhere. Can't start the party without our glorious leader you know."

"I should hope not," said Ethan. He smiled at Tali over Kasumi's head. "We'll talk later," he said.

She smiled back. "I'd like that," she said.