A/N: Inspired by Roland saying "It's like Christmas!", naturally. The man loves Christmas, what can I say? This is crackfic, which means that I've made an effort to keep characters recognizably in character, but it's a crackfic so to quote the wise words of Eric Cartman, "I do what I want!". My apologies to Lilith, Roland, Mordecai, and especially Brick. If you take offense to the concept of the story, blame Mr. PD, he's the one that wanted a Christmas crackfic. Classic songs Deck The Halls, O Holy Night, and Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas lovingly butchered by yours truly.
Mordecai's present from Roland is my favorite headcanon, brought on by the Dragon Keep DLC. His love of costume dramas is a recurring theme in my stories. ;)
If the rock of a planet called Pandora had possessed a nice, civilized day and night cycle, that day still would have dawned clear and sweltering as usual. Lilith awoke at a ridiculous hour to find the bed she shared with Roland empty and the smell of cinnamon in the air.
"Where the hell did he get cinnamon?" she wondered, slipping out of bed and into an almost-nonexistent nightshirt. As always during the light cycle, the temperature was well over comfort level and edging into miserable.
She headed for open bedroom door and stopped dead at what she saw on the other side. Sparkly scrap-metal snowflakes were hung everywhere, gaily lit by strings of colored lights. What appeared to be a cactus of some sort was set in a corner of the living room, adorned with more lights and various small shiny items, expertly wrapped gifts arrayed at the bottom.
Most disturbingly, Roland was wearing a thick, fluffy red bathrobe and a red hat trimmed with white at the bottom and top. He hummed to himself as he hung still more snowflakes and grinned happily at Lilith when he saw her.
"Merry Christmas, Lil!" he boomed enthusiastically.
Lilith cringed slightly. "Uh, yeah. You too, I guess. Roland, what did you do to the apartment?"
"I'm getting ready for the party, of course! You remember, we're having the gang over! We're having presents, and I'm making Christmas dinner, and we'll sing songs!"
"Oh god." Lilith thought. "I'm living with a madman."
Roland ignored her dismay and waggled a finger at her. "You did remember presents, right?"
Lilith started guiltily. "Oh yeah! Of course I did. I..uh..I've just got to wrap them. Oh hey, I forgot." She snapped her fingers. "I told, uh, Tannis that I'd come visit her today. So I'm just gonna…I'm gonna go do that."
Roland rolled his eyes good-naturedly, resuming his cheerful humming as Lilith escaped into the bedroom to get dressed. He'd known she would forget.
After a few minutes she emerged, wearing as little clothing as she could get away with. The day was getting hotter by the minute. She paused by the door. She had to ask.
"Roland, how are you wearing that robe in this heat?"
He grinned, an expression that was beginning to look vaguely maniacal to his girlfriend. "Ice packs." He replied proudly, and opened the robe to reveal several plastic containers full of ice duct-taped to the fabric.
Lilith nodded. Fair enough. As she was halfway out the door Roland called out to her.
"Be back by three! The guys are getting here at four and we're gonna have my special roasted, stuffed stalker!"
"This planet has finally driven him insane," Lilith thought, stepping out onto the stairs that led down to the dusty streets of New Haven.
.
Brick, Mordecai and Bloodwing did indeed arrive around four in the afternoon, slightly before a harried looking Lilith. She deposited three packages that looked like they'd been wrapped by a small child with no thumbs under the cactus and hugged her two friends, nodding cautiously at the bird. She had to admit it was good to see them, it had been too long.
Maybe not that long, since they'd just finished destroying the Atlas Corporation and averting a planetwide Claptrapocalypse less than two months previous, but after all the time they'd spent in each other's company it was weird not seeing each other every day.
"I hope everybody's hungry!" Roland clapped his hands together, a manic gleam in his eye. "The stalker is just about done!"
The three former vault hunters exchanged a look as Roland charged into the kitchen.
"Did you see that sweater he's wearing?" Mordecai muttered.
"I think they're reindeer," Lilith replied, making a face.
"I like the hat!" Brick chimed in.
.
Dinner had been delicious, if Lilith was being honest with herself. The company was also enjoyable; the group had spent untold hours with each other, but the chance to relax and talk like normal friends hadn't come along very often. Brick had shared several off-color jokes that were met with widespread approval, and Mordecai recounted a tale of midget skag-riders that had the group in stitches.
Now they were back in the living room, which Roland had rearranged for optimal viewing of the spangled cactus. He served eggnog to all and joyfully announced, "Present time!"
Mordecai sipped at his eggnog, making a face. Taking out a hip flask he poured a generous dollop of the liquid within into his glass, and sipped again with satisfaction. Brick poked with interest at one of Roland's lovingly handmade snowflakes, and Lilith tried not to notice that Bloodwing was shredding the back of her favorite couch with his razorlike talons.
"You guys," Roland said, sounding hurt, "Present time!"
"Right! Present time! Yay!" Lilith replied, widening her eyes meaningfully at the other two men.
They dutifully cheered. Mordecai raised his mostly-empty glass in salute.
"Great! I'll be right back!" Roland sprang from his chair and sprinted for the bedroom.
"And that's why our downstairs neighbors hate us." Lilith commented.
Moments later, Roland returned with a large box. Holes were cut on the side and a gratuitously large bow perched on the lid. He had that semi-maniacal look in his eyes again.
"Brick buddy, this is for you. I hope you like her."
"Her?" Mordecai mouthed at Lilith.
She shrugged. Roland gently placed the box on the big berserker's lap. Brick removed the lid and stared inside, tears filling his eyes. He reached inside and pulled out a golden-haired puppy, who looked even tinier in his massive hands. The puppy immediately began licking him and wagging her little tail, and Brick held her close, smiling broadly through his tears.
"Ohhh, wookit you!" he crooned. "Aren't you just the sweetest widdle doggie, yes you are!"
Bloodwing eyed the small dog with a hungry look, leaning forward with his beak slightly open.
"No, Blood." Mordecai said firmly. "Puppies are friends, not food."
Bloodwing glared at his master for a moment but backed off. Brick hadn't noticed any of this, but clung to the puppy ecstatically.
"I'm gonna name you Dog, yes I am! 'Cause you're my widdle doggie-poo, aren't you?"
"Speaking of doggy poo," Roland leaned close to Lilith and whispered, "she kind of left one on your side of the bed. But I'll clean it up tonight, I promise."
Lilith's eye twitched, but she smiled at him with tight lips. "That's okay. Honey."
"Mordy, it's your turn!" Roland clapped his hands.
He reached under the cactus and came up with a small square package. Mordecai took it and unwrapped it gingerly, saving the paper without thought. He pulled out a box set of video data disks and squinted at the cover for a moment before a smile spread across his face.
"Oh shit, look at that! The Jane Austen Collection!? Thanks man, how did you know? It even has Sense and Sensibility, I love that movie!"
"Lil, this one's for you," Roland said, reaching under the cactus once more. He handed her a flat rectangular box wrapped in pink.
After seeing how thoughtful and perfect Roland's gifts for the others had been, Lilith was dying to know what her boyfriend had gotten for her. She beamed at him and ripped into the shiny paper, ignoring Mordecai's involuntary wince. Her hand felt something fluffy under the box lid and a horrible feeling of premonition swept over her. Gingerly, she removed the lid. It was worse than she'd feared.
"Oh, Roland. How…festive. I love it." She said unconvincingly.
Mordecai choked, trying desperately to keep his mouthful of eggnog from going up his nose. Bloodwing looked at his master with concern and nipped him on the ear. Now bleeding from the ear and covered with the mouthful of holiday alcohol the surprise pain had forced him to relinquish, the hunter could only whimper and brush at the mess he'd made of himself while still attempting to cover his laughter. After all they'd been through, he owed Roland at least that much.
Even Brick looked up from Dog to see what the hell had happened to Mordecai. Catching sight of the sweater that Lilith was holding up with all the affection one would usually associate with a dead animal, he wisely buried his face back into the puppy's soft fur.
"See, sweetie? Now we can match!" Roland put his arm around Lilith and gave her a hearty kiss on the cheek.
"We sure can." She replied emotionlessly. "Nothing I love more than kittens in Santa hats."
"I was gonna get you the reindeer like mine but I thought it might be too masculine for you."
"Oh no, yeah. You definitely made the right choice. Kittens all the way."
"Hey, Lil!" Mordecai piped up, "You should put it on!"
"Yeah! Sweetie, pop that on while I go get the camera!"
Lilith glared at Mordecai as she stood to put the sweater on. He leaned back in his seat, legs crossed comfortably and a look of utter smugness on his face.
"I'm going to kill you one of these days, you skinny asshole."
"You're so beautiful when you're mad, Lilith. Isn't she, Brick?"
"Mmhm," Brick answered, not listening.
Roland returned, camera in hand, and gave it to Mordecai, who took it with a wicked grin. The reindeer-clad soldier took Lilith by the hand and steered her in front of the cactus.
"Okay, ready Mordy?" he asked, arm around Lilith.
"Sure thing, man!"
Lilith tried to smile, managing something more in the line of a constipated grimace. Good enough.
That ordeal finally over, Roland directed the continued present-related festivities. Lilith was fairly pleased with the reception of her last-minute gifts, although Bloodwing immediately ate his new collar (she vehemently denied that it had been intended for cats, and nevermind the happy looking feline on the tag) and Roland, it seemed, already owned Groovy Disco Hits Number 1,575. At least Brick seemed happy with his toothpicks, and Lilith knew for a fact that Mordecai needed new socks. Sure, pink wasn't really his color, but who would know under those big boots of his?
Brick presented her with a pair of slippers, which would have been nice had they not been shaped like small fuzzy skags with holes for one's feet. The fact that they roared when punched was only a marginal improvement. Lilith wondered if he had gone shopping with Roland.
She knew she was in for something obnoxious when she saw Mordecai's expression as he handed her an oddly shaped package that was distressingly squishy on one side.
"What the hell is this, Mordecai?" she asked suspiciously.
"C'mon Lil, don't spoil the surprise." He replied, leaning back into the couch and giving Bloodwing a skritch.
"I know that look, asshole."
"What look?" he feigned hurt. "Did you hear that, Blood? I think she's tryin' to accuse us of somethin'."
Bloodwing chirped distractedly, still eyeing Dog.
"No, just you."
"Lilith, come on. It's Christmas! Mordy wouldn't do anything mean, would you Mordy?" Roland broke in with a disapproving look at the pair.
"Nope."
Lilith glared at the hunter, and ripped open the package. A box of graham crackers, a few chocolate bars, and a bag of marshmallows fell into her lap. She looked up at him quizzically.
"For s'mores." Mordecai explained.
Lilith stared blankly.
"See, I figured we could all sit around tellin' ghost stories, toast some marshmallows on your phoenix wings, maybe roast some weenies…"
Lilith threw the bag of marshmallows at his head. He caught them and smirked.
"Jeez Lil, I thought you liked to cook."
"I suppose I could roast a weenie." She said with venom.
Roland coughed. "How about some carols? I've been looking around and it turns out Pandorans have their own special versions! I made everyone a copy."
He reached down next to his chair and produced an alarmingly thick sheaf of papers, distributing them to the other three.
Lilith looked at hers, mildly horrified.
"Silent night, get in a fight?" Mordecai read aloud dubiously.
"Ooh, let's sing Deck The Vault!" Brick grinned. "Let's sing Deck The Vault, Dog."
.
Deck the vault with loot and riches
Fa la la la la, la la la la
I'll get there before you bitches
Fa la la la la, la la la la
We'll all use our favorite weapons
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
And we won't lose our intestines
.
"Wait. Wait. Shut up, Brick. Nice voice though, but shut up." Lilith looked at Roland. "Is this real? What the hell do intestines have to do with Christmas?"
"I dunno, Lil. This is Pandora. I think they spend more time looking at intestines here than most places."
"Good point."
"It is kinda festive, I guess." Mordecai said, drinking from his flask.
"How come nobody joined in?" Brick asked sadly.
"Come on, guys. He's right. Next one together!" Roland clapped his hands.
"Yeah, rain check there, amigo. I gotta take a leak." Mordecai stood. "Bathroom?"
"You gotta go through the bedroom, down the hall." Roland replied, scanning the lyric sheet.
"Here we go!" he pointed halfway down the fifth page. "O Holy Night."
"Yeah!" Brick cheered.
"Um, yay?" Lilith smiled thinly after a look from Roland.
.
O holy night,
The sun is brightly shining
Over the sand, where the skags have their dens
They keep their pups from losing their intestines
This world is harsh, and their smell is immense
.
"Hey Lil!" Mordecai called from the bedroom.
"What?" she called back, grateful for an excuse to stop singing.
"C'mere, I think somethin's wrong with your toilet!"
"Of course there is." Lilith sighed.
"I'll go, sweetie," Roland offered as Brick continued to sing.
"No!" Lilith stood abruptly. "I mean, you know, that's okay. You stay and sing."
She walked down the hall, wondering what was wrong with the plumbing this time. To be fair, it worked most of the time and that was saying a lot for New Haven. Still, she wished it was more reliable. Last week a few bullets had washed their way into the bowl, and honestly, that was just weird.
"What's going on, Mor-" she stopped dead a few feet into the bedroom.
He leaned casually against the doorframe, shirtless. He had one hand on the back of his neck, the gentle stretch showing off the muscles that were always a bit of a surprise on his lean frame. A beautifully wrapped box was cradled in his other hand at crotch level. Lilith licked her lips unconsciously, trying not to remember the last time she'd seen the hunter with his shirt off. She had a sneaking suspicion about the package.
"Mordecai, what's in the box?" she asked, slightly hoarse.
He didn't answer, just chuckled. A familiar feeling rippled down her spine at the sound.
"WHAT'S IN THE BOOOX?" Lilith demanded in a low voice.
"Somethin' I've been wanting to give you for a long time."
"It hasn't been that long, asshole. Does that bitch Moxxi not want it anymore?"
Mordecai looked genuinely hurt for a moment, but recovered quickly.
"Just what do you think I've got here, chica?" he held out the box to her.
Lilith cringed as he moved, but quickly saw that her suspicion had been wrong.
"What do you- oh. I thought that you had your, uh…"
"Your mind goes interesting places, Lil."
"Interesting? Don't flatter yourself. You knew what I was going to think. And what's with the half-naked routine?"
"It's hot as hell. Kinda like you with those cute little kittens hugging your-"
"Ha. Ha."
"Lilith, come here. Please?" he changed his tone to the soft one he used to use on her, almost as tender as the one he used on Bloodwing.
She felt herself responding to it and almost without realizing what she was doing she was suddenly standing next to him, looking up into his face.
"What do you want?" she whispered bitterly. "You dumped me, remember? I'm with Roland now."
"I know."
"So why are you doing this to me?"
"Because it's Christmas? And I wanted to tell you I was wrong and I'm sorry. Open the box?"
Lilith took it reluctantly. She looked at it a moment, wondering what could be inside. What could he possibly think he could give her that would make what had happened between them better? She lifted the lid and laughed.
A silky babydoll chemise was inside. It was blue, and covered with happy, googly-eyed cartoon skags.
"To go with your new slippers." He deadpanned.
Lilith tossed the box on the bed and held the garment against her, still laughing.
"Oh Mordecai, it's just what I wanted! Skags are so chic this season!" she joked.
"One more thing." He reached into his pocket and withdrew a sprig of greenery tied together with a red ribbon. He hung it on a small nail on the doorframe above them.
"Is that mistletoe?" Lilith asked, surprised. She hadn't seen the stuff since she was a child.
"Yeah. Because it's Christmas."
"Because it's Christmas." Lilith echoed, letting him draw her into his arms.
As they kissed, the world fell away for a moment. She didn't care if it was wrong, or what it might mean later. In the other room, she could hear Roland and Brick's voices joined in song, with Dog's agitated howls weaving through the melody.
.
Have yourself a Christmas on Pandora
Watch the wildlife play
Even stalkers
Don't eat intestines this day
Have yourself a Christmas on Pandora
See the rakk in flight
In the sky
They won't rip off your face tonight
Here we are in the Borderlands
In the Borderlands to stay
All our friends have their innards in
On this special holiday
Through the years we all will be together
If the Fates allow
On this day let all bloodshed be disavowed
And have a merry Christmas on Pandora now
.
"Merry Christmas, Scruffy." Lilith whispered, breaking the kiss. It was time to rejoin the others.
"Merry Christmas, chica." Mordecai touched her shoulder gently, and she turned back toward him.
"I meant what I said." He paused. "Those kittens look great on your-"
"Shut up." She smiled up at him. "Get your shirt back on before I tell Roland you want a sweater, too."