Author's Note: This is an AU in which the Baal brothers are all humans and go to an American high school (because demons technically don't have nationalities, so I'mma do what I want). Also, only four of them have been explicitly mentioned in the manga to date (Samael/Mepphy, Amaimon, Astaroth, and Lucifer), so I added the other three from standard demonology; if it turns out later that my guesses are wrong, please try not to get too upset.

Also, keep in mind that this was meant to be kind of stupid, so please laugh at the jokes and don't think about it too much. This will be framed in 1st person/present tense (italics), then told in omniscient Mepphy-centric 3rd person/past tense (not italics) for the most part… just to let you know what to expect. Also, rated T for demons, but there will be no explicit inappropriateness.

2 Sept. 2013

English 12

Samael Baal

Personal Journal Assignment

Entry #1

Allow me to start by saying that I believe this whole exercise to be a horrific waste of time, as well as a terrible blow to the dignity of every student in this class. We're all seniors here; you'd think we would be writing poems or flash fiction by now, but NO. It's almost as if I haven't been forced into at least one mind-numbingly pointless diary project each year since fourth grade. Additionally, I find the instruction that we all waste our entire first entry on introducing ourselves and our families because you, Mrs. Fairfax, were too lazy to come up with a proper ice-breaker game for the first day ridiculous. But I digress.

Yes, my name is Samael Baal, but please, do not ever refer to me as 'Sam' or 'Sammy' or 'Samuel;' I prefer to be addressed by my stage name, 'MEPHISTO PHELES, CONJURER EXTRAORDINAIRE!' ...Well, alright, the last part isn't really necessary, but I will only answer to 'Mephisto.' I will be eighteen on Walpurgis Nacht (I suggest you look it up), and I plan on studying philosophy and psychology at whichever university offers me the most financial aid.

More importantly, however, I am an illusionist. I refrain from using the word 'magician' because that seems to make most people think of someone who entertains at the birthday parties of small children, and I would certainly never stoop to that level. No, the illusions I create are infinitely more dazzling than anything you, Mrs. Fairfax, have ever seen in your miserable, school-marm's life. I won't go into further detail because a good illusionist never talks about his tricks, but I can guarantee you they would blow your mind.

Now I suppose I'll have to introduce my family, which, admittedly, is a task that could easily eat up several pages, so I will keep it brief.

To begin with, I have six brothers, and though we share the same father, we come from several different mothers, all of whom are, coincidentally, dead. Our father's name is Satan Baal, and he was apparently seeing all of our mothers at around the same time; thus, all seven of us aren't more than four years apart in age. Father says he was going through a phase at the time, but I suspect that the only reason he hasn't continued that particular lifestyle choice is because he's realized that seven boys might already be a little beyond the limits of his shady finances. Speaking of which, I suppose I should mention that our mothers had all taken out huge life insurance policies right before they "disappeared"... Father never addresses this subject, but we've all grown rather apathetic towards it. Having a psychopathic father who probably killed your mother is always a great conversation starter.

So, in case you haven't noticed by this point, my family could be described as quite messed up; every one of us is a little unhinged. I'm actually the second-oldest; Lucifer, the eldest, is currently starting his first year of college, to which I can only respond, FINALLY. I have been waiting AGES for that ridiculous goody-two-shoes frat boy to go as far away as possible and actually join a frat. People say that Luc has one of those faces that inspires implicit trust, and it's probably true. However, mostly he just uses that trust for his own twisted purposes. Also, he refuses to call me anything but 'Sammy,' to which, as stated earlier, I strongly object. I've entertained the theory that our animosity may be due to the fact that we had the same mother, thus, Freudian sibling rivalry... But again, I digress.

Like I said, I'm the second oldest, so the third is Astaroth. He's a senior as well, and he's a bit... creepy. There's just no other way to say this. You see, he's completely obsessed with dead things. He brings roadkill home on a regular basis for no apparent reason. He says he plans on studying to become a coroner, but I really don't know... up until two years ago, he told everyone he wanted to be a necromancer. Naturally Father was not concerned by this, but more than five visits to the counselor's office made Astaroth change his mind, or at least his immediate post-high-school plans. Now he sits around watching Dr. G and dissecting cats. It's weird.

After Astaroth, the fourth-oldest is Asmodeus. I'm reluctant to discuss him here, but since I already seem to have taken a no-holds-barred approach to this assignment, I suppose I should attempt to do his depravity justice. Asmodeus is a junior, and he is basically the most promiscuous creature under the sun. All of his facial expressions (including shock and anger) include bedroom-eyes, and I'm sure he'll swing whatever way you want him to. He even tells people to call him Ass. He seems pretty doggedly determined to ruin his life for the sake of "love," although I certainly can't deny that he does have a way of getting people to do whatever he wants them to. I can guarantee you that every single girl in his grade either has a shirtless poster of him taped to the inside of her locker, or wants to pull out his intestines with a fork.

Moving on, after Asmodeus comes Belphegor, also a junior. There's really not much to say about him, because he seems content to spend every single day of his existence doing literally nothing. I believe people used to call this sort of behavior 'sloth,' and watching him, one can certainly see the parallels to the animal. Belph is so lazy that sometimes I forget he's even there; he's always at school, but he never attends his classes, so I have no idea where he goes. But wherever he is, he's probably napping or playing video games.

The second-youngest of our little tribe is Mammon. He's a sophomore, but he tells everyone he's 'majoring in entrepreneurship,' as though he's already at college. He's tiny and a bit of a wimp, but people stopped picking on him a long time ago when credit-card accounts owned by either their parents or the students themselves would get brutally hacked. Mammon never spends any of his allowance; instead, he deposits it all into a miraculous bank account that gives him a return of 7.5% interest. His lucrative business skills are actually quite shady at times, but so far no one's been able to suspect the cute little devil of anything so serious as large-scale fraud. He and Luc must have some kind of pact, because Luc sometimes acts as Mammon's salesperson for reasons he refused to discuss.

Finally, last and certainly least, we have the baby of the family; Amaimon. He's also a sophomore, but I swear, he has the brain of a ten-year-old. He is completely and utterly dense. In fact, he's so stupid that for a while, most of the teachers thought he was legitimately "special." But he is the only one who actually calls me Mephisto, so I suppose he's not too bad… still, babysitting him is a pain. He's really into plants and rocks and things, to the point where I practically can hear that "Colors of the Wind" song playing when he's frolicking around in the park. Most of the time, he seems like he doesn't really have any emotions, and he always has this blank look in his eyes... unless someone mentions candy.

And that is that as far as introducing my family goes. Since I seem to have fulfilled all the requirements for this particular entry, I will end it here. Hopefully, I will have something more interesting to write about for my next entry, although I can definitely see this assignment quickly becoming a pain. Ah well, auf wiedersehen.

3. Sept. 2013

Entry #2

Well, well, well. Something interesting certainly did happen today… although I must say, I think the rest of my life was just ruined. But before I get to that, I suppose I should start at the beginning. Early this morning, at breakfast, Father sat all of us (except Luc) down and said that he had something very important to tell us. That, of course, couldn't mean anything good…

"Hey, quit it!"

Mephisto glared across the table at Asmodeus, who leaned back in his chair, grinning. He smirked, barely feigning innocence. "Quit what? I didn't do anything…"

Mephisto narrowed his eyes. "You're playing footsie with me under the table." He reached forward and grabbed the Nutella, spreading it on a slice of bread. "It's too early for this, Ass."

Asmodeus raised an eyebrow, eyes half-lidded. "Oh, it's never too early for footsie…"

Mammon giggled quietly, then went back to inhaling his Cheerios. Astaroth looked bored, absentmindedly poking his bacon with a fork. He sighed. "I hope I get to dissect something today…"

Mephisto rolled his eyes. "Just don't bring anything you found on the street into the house, it's disgusting." Glancing around, he noticed with some shock that Belph was actually in his usual seat this morning… although he looked half-dead. Mephisto shot a quick glance towards the head of the table, where his father sat hidden behind a giant tabloid with a picture of some alien squid-children on the front. Only the old man could drag Belph out of bed at this hour…

Amaimon pulled a lollipop out of his mouth, held it in front of his face, and started testing to see how far his tongue could extend in order to lick it. He then turned to Mephisto with a blank look on his face. "Big Bro… when is Luc gonna come back?"

For an instant, Mephisto's usual smirk was replaced with a look of utter disgust. "Never, if I have anything to say about it!" With that being said, his smirk returned, and he held the butter-knife in his hand like a sword, raised to the sky in salute. "And since he's not here, I'm the oldest, so you all have to do what I say from now on!" He waved the knife around, pointing it at each of his brothers in turn. "And my first act as Grand Imperial Monarch of the Baal Clan will be to declare that henceforth and forevermore none of you shall refer to me as anything but MEPHISTO PHELES!" He cackled with glee, pausing between laughs to take giant bites out of his Nutella-bread.

Amaimon popped the lollipop back in his mouth, looking slightly confused. "So, does that mean I can't call you 'Big Bro' anymore?"

Mammon huffed. "We're all your big brothers, stupid!" He glanced over at Mephisto. "Besides, none of us have to listen to anything that clown says. He's still only the second-oldest; that doesn't count for anything in my book."

Mephisto smirked. "Screw your book, I'm still the oldest one here. And there's nothing you can do about it!" He took a triumphant bite out of his Nutella-bread for emphasis.

Mammon turned up his nose and went back to eating his Cheerios. Asmodeus and Astaroth exchanged a quick glance and rolled their eyes.

Belphegor yawned, and turned to face the head of the table. "Father, can I go back to sleep now?"

Suddenly, the tabloid was folded up and tossed onto the kitchen counter. Satan folded his arms. "No… I have something very important to discuss with all of you."

Everyone else at the table gaped. The old man rarely interacted with them at all, and now he had something very important to discuss? Mephisto frowned slightly. This couldn't be good…

Satan cleared his throat. "Well, you all know I'm no good at speeches, so here it is." He leaned back in his chair. "Starting today, you'll have two more younger brothers." He grinned. "Daddy's very excited!"

The room suddenly went completely silent, all thoughts of breakfast forgotten. Mephisto stared at his father in shock. "W- WHAT?!"

Satan smirked. "Now, now, no need to get upset, Samael. They're both only a year younger than Amaimon, so you won't have to do any babysitting…"

Mephisto plunged the butter-knife into his bread. "That's not the problem!" he retorted. "Why didn't any of us know about this before?!" He folded his arms. "You know I despise not knowing things…"

Satan shrugged. "Sorry, but it was out of my hands." He leaned forward and rested his hands on the table; it was story-time. "See, a long, long time ago, Daddy had lots of unprotected sex with a woman named Yuri…"

Mephisto groaned. Not again…

"So, eventually, Yuri became pregnant," Satan continued. "And it turned out she actually had twins! Unfortunately, she died soon after giving birth…"

Mephisto and Astaroth exchanged knowing glances.

"...so the boys should have been given to me, right?" He frowned slightly. "But then some priest had to go and adopt them; he said I shouldn't have custody. His name was Fuji-something, and he took the boys back with him to Japan." He smirked. "But just last week, he died."

Mephisto and Astaroth exchanged glances again.

"So, now we can all be one big happy family," Satan continued. "We'll be picking your brothers up at the airport before you go to school this morning, so be nice and have fun!" He grinned sadistically.

Amaimon smiled a little, sucking loudly on his lollipop. "Yay, I've always wanted a little brother! Now I've got two!"

Asmodeus flicked his bangs. "They'd better be good-looking, or else I won't be seen in public with them…"

Mammon rubbed his hands together greedily. "I wonder how much we can get out of them for transportation fees?"

Astaroth started poking his bacon again. "Maybe they can help me find specimens for my dissections…"

Mephisto glanced around the table, annoyed. "Am I really the only one who's upset about this?!" When everyone ignored him, he sighed and turned to face his father. "Are they going to be coming to school with us today?"

Satan nodded. "Yep!" He grinned wickedly at Mephisto. "So, since you're 'the oldest one here,' I expect you to show them around. You know, help them get settled in." He reached over towards the kitchen counter, grabbed the tabloid, and opened it up in front of him. "Because I don't have time for that sort of thing."

Mephisto sighed and held his head in his hands. Great… my life has officially been ruined.

Author's Note: And so it begins… the ridiculousness…

Sorry for all the Mepphy-exposition, but it needed to be done. I, truthfully, don't like writing that way, so most of the story is going to be 3rd person from here on out.

I find Satan difficult to characterize, so sorry if he seems… odd. In fact, this is my first Blue Exorcist fic, so sorry if my characterizations are off across the board.

I swear, the theme song to The Brady Bunch has been repeating itself incessantly inside my head ever since I started writing this. It never stops… *shivers*