Voldemort's Birthday Party

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter names, characters and locations belong to J.K. Rowling. I own nothing that you recognize.

A/N: This story was originally published in 2011 by Redandblack24601. The story was taken down after a year or two on the site. I have spoken with the author and have been given permission to republish their story.

Voldemort's pink alarm clock woke him up at seven in the morning. He didn't want to get up at this time, but being a dark lord was a very tiring job. He changed out of his unicorn pajamas that Snape made him wear every night, and into the only thing he ever wore... a black robe. All his Death Eaters told him it needed to be washed, but it had only been a year since he last cleaned it, and he was trying to conserve water.

He poured Dr. Evil's Dark Mark Cornflakes - the only cereal he ever ate - into a bowl and began to eat them. The slogan on the front of the box said, "You're not a real Dark Lord without Dr. Evil's Dark Mark Cornflakes", and Voldemort felt evilness surging through his veins.

Then, he decided it was time to go to work. He checked his calendar and realized that he hadn't tried to kill Harry Potter for almost a year. It was time to start planning. When he looked again, he noticed that today was his birthday. He was going to be...actually, he couldn't remember. Next, he realized that his pet snake Nagini was missing. That was odd. She was usually in his office, ready to give him moral support as he struggled through his numerous duties as supreme Dark Lord.

Voldemort was devastated as he thought of the many horrific things that could be happening to his favorite snake. He decided to call his most loyal Death Eater, Severus Snape, to help him find Nagini. But Snape wasn't picking up his cellphone.

"Hello, this is Severus Snape. If you are Voldemort, please leave a message. If you are a Gryffindor, I am deducting two-hundred points. If you are a Slytherin, I am awarding two-hundred points because you have been clever enough to find my phone number. If you are selling hair care products, please leave a bottle of your finest shampoo outside my office. If you are a Death Eater, the Dark Lord loves me more so in your face. If you are Dumbledore, I am most definitely on your side. But if you are Voldemort, I am on your side too."

*beep*

Voldemort hung up without leaving a message.

"Fine," he pouted. "I'll look for Nagini myself."

First he searched his bedroom. He checked under the bed, and found lots of snake poo but no snake. He checked the wardrobe, and again found lots of snake poo but no snake. He gave up looking in his bedroom when all he seemed to find were snake feces. He didn't know he had fed Nagini that much, and decided to clean his room later. He decided to check his library.

"Not here...not here...not here," he muttered to himself as he chucked volumes from their shelves. As he tossed books, he wondered why he even had Rainbow Magic, Twilight and My Bible Stories. Then, he recalled how he spent many hours as a young Dark Lord curled up on a beanbag chair, totally immersed in the adventures of Kirsty and Rachel and their battle against the evil Jack Frost who, consequently, was Voldemort's hero.

After rereading the entire Rainbow Magic series, Voldemort concluded that Nagini was not in the library. He made his way up to the dining room to grab a snack out of his fridge. They only thing left in the fridge was a jar of marmite and a moldy Brussels sprout. So he covered the Brussels sprout with marmite and popped it in his mouth. He had just discovered his favorite food.

After another few hours of searching, he concluded that Nagini was not in the house. He went back to the library and found the Yellow Pages. He decided to call his friends to ask if they had seen Nagini. It took him about fifteen minutes to realize he didn't have any. Then, he decided to call his enemies. So, he called Harry Potter.