A/N: I love some good Legolas whump just as much as the next guy, but after reading tons of it, this story came to mind. Enjoy!
I don't own Aragorn or Legolas. Wish I did though!
Legolas the Stoic
It was a bright, sunny morning as Aragorn and Legolas trekked through the wide open hills of Imladris. Birds were singing, the sun was shining, and it was gorgeous. A gentle breeze blew through the air, creating the perfect temperature.
"What a lovely breeze!" Aragorn remarked. He was weighed down with three bags of athleas, a saw, and the many other implements he always brought along when traveling with Legolas.
"Indeed!" Legolas replied. Truth be told, he was rather displeased. The breeze was messing up his hair, which he had spent hours on that morning.
"It seems we are approaching the forest" said Aragorn. Pushing aside a branch, the human led the way into the woods.
The woods were strangely dark and frightening in comparison to the sunny, happy day outside of them. Aragorn quickly became uneasy. He turned around to look at Legolas, who had suddenly frozen in place.
"This forest is old" he stated, eyes glazed over.
"That was weird" Aragorn thought, turning back around.
He found himself nose to nose with an orc.
"AH!" he screamed. "Legolas! Orcs!"
Aragorn and Legolas quickly began slicing and shooting at the large horde. Soon all of the orcs lay dead.
Legolas stood among the pile, a very sexy looking bruise on his forehead.
"Legolas!" Aragorn exclaimed. "Are you injured?" He was, as usual, very concerned about his friend.
"No" said Legolas, "I'm fine". In truth, he had three stab wounds, a large gash on his right foot, two punctured lungs, and a ruptured spleen.
"Are you sure?" asked Aragorn.
Legolas was very good at hiding his injuries. "Yes" he replied. "I feel wonderful."
He and Aragorn continued on their journey. They were soon met by a pack of wolves.
After the battle, Aragorn was filthy, sweaty, and covered in wolf saliva. Legolas still looked awesome, despite having obtained nine broken ribs and a near-amputation of his left arm.
"Were you wearing a red tunic when we left?" asked Aragorn.
"Yes" Legolas replied. "It's my favorite color."
Suddenly, a bolt of lightning came out of nowhere and struck Legolas.
"Were you just struck by lightning?!" gasped Aragorn.
"No, no" Legolas insisted. "You're imagining things Estel." Legolas now looked even sexier with his hair on fire.
After a few more creature attacks, Legolas and Aragorn found a place to set up camp. Unable to stand, Legolas dropped to the ground and began dragging himself to a large tree, which he sat against.
"Legolas" Aragorn remarked. "Why did you just drag yourself to that tree?"
"This forest is old."
"What does that have to do with anything?!"
"Anyway" said Legolas. "Go to sleep Estel. I will take the watch." One of Legolas's arms promptly fell off.
Legolas stared at the fallen limb, wondering how he was going to explain that.
Fortunately for him, Aragorn had already fallen asleep and was snoring loudly.
"Good" thought Legolas. A feminine voice suddenly interrupted his thoughts.
"Legolas" said the tree he was leaning against. "You are much too injured to take this watch."
"That is not true" Legolas replied. "I would never forsake my watch."
"Unless you die" remarked the tree.
"See, I thought of that" said Legolas. "If I stop breathing, just smack my chest with one of your limbs. That should get my heart going again."
The tree sighed, knowing it was useless to argue.
The sky quickly grew pitch black, and Legolas sat up alone. He passed the time by re-attaching his arm with a mixture of mud and tree sap. He hoped the homemade glue would hold until he got back home.
The next morning, the sun rose over the forest, waking up the sleeping tree. She saw Legolas's limp, unmoving body slumped against her trunk.
"Oh crap!" she thought. "I forgot!" Quickly, she reached down and whacked the elf on the chest.
Legolas sprang back to life with a cough and sputter. Aragorn chose that moment to awaken.
"Ah, Legolas" he greeted. "Sleep well?"
"Oh yes" Legolas replied. "I slept like the dead."
"Good, because we must now break camp. Help me lift this log."
Legolas grabbed one end of the log, causing both his arms to fall off.
"Dang it!" he thought. "Stupid sap-mud mixture."
"Legolas!" Aragorn exclaimed. "You are gravely injured!"
"It's nothing, really." Legolas tried to bend down and pick up his arms, but realized that it was impossible.
Using his many packs of healing herbs, Aragorn quickly healed Legolas to pristine condition.
"I cannot thank you enough Estel" said Legolas, flexing one of his newly attached arms.
"No problem" Aragorn replied. "Just don't get injured again, because I'm out of herbs and band-aids."
A meteor suddenly fell from the sky, landing on Legolas's legs and crushing them.
"Oh no!" cried Aragorn. "Did that meteor just crush your legs?!"
"This forest is old."
"Legolas!"
The End