Ezreal: Gay or Just from Piltover?
"This is Janna here usually keeping you updated on the weather, but now giving you a big scoop on Valoran's latest scandal! Ezreal, the Prodigal Explorer and a renown champion of the League of Legends has recently been accused of cheating on his current girlfriend, Luxanna Crownguard, the Lady of Luminosity. But the most interesting factor is who the affair was with. Most citizens agree that the affair was with another woman, but a select few of the Prodigal Explorer's closer friends say that it was not a woman, but a man. Thus the question lingers in the air: Is the Prodigal Explorer gay or just from Piltover? This has been a report by your weather forecasterJanna who only signed up to talk about the weather… tune in next time!"
Deep in the halls of the Institute of War, a gathering was in place consisting of strictly the champions of the League of Legends and by some miracle all of them seemed be present and curiously not killing each other. All of their attention was upon a certain explorer sitting on a lone chair in the middle of the room squirming in his seat. Ezreal stole a glance at a certain blonde mage who was currently hiding her face in her brother's chest clearly upset while the said brother favored Ezreal with a death glare. Ezreal cringed under the hard gaze really not wanting to be on the receiving end of the Might of Demacia's wrath. Ezreal started to feel a bit hot under all the stares and subconsciously loosened his color while leaning back and trying to act cool. A sudden shout echoed throughout the room causing him to jump and for everybody to look upon the speaker who was a woman bright red hair with a scar down her left eye.
"There!" she cried pointing directly at Ezreal, "Right there!"
Everybody immediately threw his or her gaze upon Ezreal searching for whatever the Sinister Blade saw. The poor boy froze in place as his eyes flicked around at all the powerful champions staring at him.
Is there something on my face?
After a few seconds of looking and finding nothing everybody turned back to look at Katarina with confused expressions.
"What are we looking for?" asked Talon, the Blade's Shadow in confusion.
Katarina sighed before pointing at Ezreal again.
"Look at his tanned, well-tinted skin!" she said before appraising him again, "And that killer shape he's in!"
All the champions looked again at Ezreal before looking back at Katarina once again, only this time with the men still confused while the females and a select few males were looking a bit thoughtful.
"Mundo is not seeing it," said the muscular purple hunk a.k.a. the Madman of Zuan.
Katarina rolled her eyes before gesturing to Ezreal again.
"Add that slightly stubbly chin and you'll see that this guy is gay, totally gay," she said.
There were a few nods of agreement from other champions with others a bit unsure. Suddenly a massive floating eyeball floated to the center of the room behind Ezreal.
"While studying you humans, I've learned quite a bit about your behavior and from these studies I have found that many other of the male species who have a sexual interest in the opposite sex behaving similar to the homophilic male specimens," he said in his eerie voice, "Therefore I move that this specimen is not interested in the same sex."
Immediately after the Eye of the Void finished his spiel, the other champions went from disturbed to thoughtful in seconds at that while Katarina glared in annoyance at the floating eyeball.
"It is the Baron Nasher in the room," said Pantheon, the Artisan of War from his place next to Leona, the Radiant Dawn.
"But is truly relevant to presume that a man that… wears perfume is automatically… er…" muttered Leona squirming for a politically correct term.
"Matically fay?" supplied Teemo, the Swift Scout supplied in his high-pitched voice.
"Uh… sure… yeah…" said Leona.
Darius, the Hand of Noxus scrutinized the Prodigal explorer before looking to his brother, the Glorious Executioner.
"But look at his quoft and crispy locks," he said.
Draven looked at Ezreal for a split-second before looking back at the mirror he was holding to admire himself. Katarina answered instead with a counter suggestion suddenly shunpoing in front of Ezreal and lifting up one of his pant legs before he could react revealing rather… peculiar looking socks.
"Look at his silk, translucent socks!"
Everybody thought of both of these suggestions while Ezreal smacked away Katarina's hand indignantly. Suddenly Shen, Eye of Twilight, stepped forward.
"I believe there is an eternal paradox in what we are seeing," he suggested.
Behind him, Akali, the Fist of Shadow blinked in confusion.
"What are we seeing, Master Shen?" she asked.
Shen started to pace around Ezreal with Katarina and Vel'Koz backing away to give him space.
"Is he… gay…" he started.
"Of course he's gay!" interrupted Katarina.
Shen suddenly turned to Katarina pointing a finger in the air.
"Or just from Piltover?"
Everybody stared at Shen before slowly letting out thoughtful sounds while certain citizens of the said city furrowed his or her brows in indignation.
"Gay… or just from Piltover…" repeated Nasus, Curator of the Sands.
"It's hard to guarantee," huffed Renekton, Butcher of the Sands.
"Is he gay or just from Piltover?" asked Ashe, the Frost Archer with a look of genuine curiosity directed at the Defender of Tomorrow.
Jayce blanched when he saw the other champions direct their attention to him. He immediately put his hands up and took a step back while shaking his head.
"H-Hey don't look at me," he stuttered.
Suddenly the Loose Cannon stepped forward with a smile on her face.
"Fishbones says he knows!" she said before throwing the said rocket launcher on her shoulder causing the air in the room to tense.
Suddenly Jinx put a hand on the rocket launcher's mouth (which looked much like a fish head) and started to move the bottom lip up and down to give off the illusion that it was talking while supplying the voice with her own in a lower octave.
"You see they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports," said Fishbones (Jinx), "They play peculiar sports in shiny shirts and tiny shorts."
Jinx lifted a brow at her rocket launcher.
"They do?" she asked as if she wasn't speaking earlier.
Jinx made Fishbones nod up and down.
"Yes, you would notice this too if you weren't so busy blowing everything up all the time," said Fishbones in a chastising voice.
"Stupid, dumb rocket launcher…" growled Jinx banging it with her hand.
Everybody stared at the mentally unstable living weapon from Zuan uncomfortably before Ziggs, the Hexplosives Expert coughed into his hand.
"So… gay or foreign fella?" he asked.
"The answer could take weeks," complained Tristana, the Megling Gunner.
"They will say things like er… what did Viktor call it… or right 'chabella'" stated Tryndamere, the Barbarian King before looking slightly disturbed, "And then kiss you on both cheeks."
All the champions turned their attention to the mentioned Machine Herald who simply shrugged.
"It is a common greeting seen throughout Piltover," he said nonchalantly in his mechanical voice, "And it's 'caio bella' you imbecile."
"Oh please," groaned Katarina.
"Gay… or just from Piltover…" muttered Kha'Zix, the Voidreaver in confusion as this conversation had nothing to do with his survival… or maybe it did… he didn't know.
"So many shades of gray," muttered Irelia Lito, Will of the Blades.
Suddenly Singed, the Mad Chemist stepped forward.
"Depending on the time of day the Zuanites go either way," he said.
Everybody cocked their head at this before Nidalee, the Bestial Huntress spoke up.
"But I thought we were talking about Piltover…" she said cocking her head in confusion.
"Well Zuan and Piltover are kind of in the same category if you think about it," said Janna, the Storm's Fury, "Zuan is just a more messed up version of Piltover."
"But back to the subject at hand," said Master Yi, the Wuju Bladesman.
"Gay… or just from Pilldover…" muttered Wukong, the Monkey King while eating a banana.
"Piltover," corrected the Piltover champions in annoyance.
"Whatever," said Wukong waving his hand dismissively.
Suddenly Miss Sarah Fortune, the Bounty Hunter jabbed a finger at Ezreal with wide eyes.
"THERE!" she screamed, "Right there!"
Everybody immediately threw his or her attention on Ezreal once again who could only freeze. He had been looking around at everybody with a rather peculiar smirk on his face.
"Look at that condescending smirk!" said Miss Fortune, "I've seen on every guy while working at Graggy's Bar!"
"What are you suggesting?" asked Elise, the Spider Queen.
Miss Fortune looked to her with a look of certainty on her face.
"He is a… a… metro hetro jerk!" she said.
Elise blinked.
"Metro… hetro…"
"The point is that I say he isn't gay, I say no way!" continued Miss Fortune.
"Ain't it the Baron Nasher in the room?" said asked Fizz, the Tidal Trickster.
"Well is it relevant to presume," said Sivir, the Battle Mistress while appraising Ezreal like a piece of meat, "That a hotty in that costume is…"
"Automatically, radically…" added Diana, Scorn of the Moon.
"Ironically, chronically…" grunted Sion, the Undead Champion.
"Scurtinly, curtainly…" perked Annie, the Dark Child.
"Genetically, netically…" chuckled Graves, the Outlaw.
"Gay?" whispered Rumble, the Mechanized Menace to Lulu, the Fae Sorceress.
"Officially gay!" agreed Veigar, the Tiny (STOP LAUGHING) Master of Evil.
"Officially gay, gay gay, ga-!" said everyone in agreement with growing confidence until they spotted Ezreal ogling Ahri's chest.
When Ezreal saw that he was caught, he immediately spun his head whistling in the air.
"DAMNIT!" everyone cried in despair… hell even the Chained Warden wanted to cry in a corner.
"Gay or just from Piltover?" grumbled Brand, the Burning Vengeance.
"So stylish and relaxed…" observed Varus, the Arrow of Retribution.
"Well is he gay or just from Piltover?!" growled Vi, the Piltover Enforcer in exasperation.
"I think his chest is waxed," deadpanned Vladimir, the Crimson Reaper.
Vi looked at the vampire with a look of 'How in the Void do you know that'. Suddenly Jinx shoved Fishbones in between Vladimir and Vi while making the rocket launcher talk.
"But they bring their boys up different," stated Fishbones, "They're as culturally diverse!"
"It's not a fashion curse if he wears a kilt or bears a purse," explained Jarvan VI, Exemplar of Demacia to Sona, Maven of the Strings.
"GaY oR juSt ExoTiC," inquired Orianna, Lady of Clockwork.
"I STILL CAN'T CRACK THE CODE," stated Blitzcrank, the Great Steam Golem.
"Yet his accent is hypnotic," gushed Lux from her place next to her brother, "but his shoes are pointy toed."
"Like mine?" asked Shaco, the Demon Jester bringing up one of his feet for all to see.
"Well… it's a bit more subtle but it's there," anwered Lux.
"Huh," muttered everyone at the same time.
"Be he gay or just from Piltover?!" yelled Gangplank, the Saltwater Scourge while shaking his fists at the ceiling.
"So many shades of gray," whimpered Amumu, the Sad Mummy.
"But if he turns out straight I'm free at 8 on Saturday," said Ahri, the Nine-tailed Fox while casting a sensual smile towards Ezreal who started to tug on his collar in sweat.
"Is he gay or just from Piltover?!" shouted Trundle, the Troll King.
"Gay or just from Piltover…" muttered Yasuo, the Unforgiven in his drunken haze.
"Gay or just from Pi-," started Cho'Gath, the Terror of the Void.
"Wait a moment!" shouted Twisted Fate, the Card Master effectively getting himself in the center of attention, "Give me a chance to crack this guy, I have an idea I'd like to try…"
"The floor is yours," said Galio, the Sentinel's Sorrow.
Twisted Fate walked up to the Prodigal Explorer with a sly grin on his face making the said man a bit uncomfortable.
"Prodigal Explorer… your affair with Ms. Crownguard has been going on for…" asked Twisted Fate.
Ezreal saw no harm in answering the simple question.
"Four months," Ezreal answered smoothly.
"And your first name again is?" asked Twisted Fate.
Ezreal rolled his eyes.
"Ezreal," he deadpanned.
"And your boyfriend's name is?" asked Twisted Fate.
"Taric," Ezreal answered in the same tone.
Everybody gasped at that making Ezreal realize his mistake.
"I-I'm sorry! You said boyfriend I thought you said best friend!" Ezreal quickly amended, "Taric is my… best friend."
Suddenly the doors to the room were thrown open and the Gem Knight himself strode in with a livid expression on his face directed at Ezreal. The other champions immediately made way for him with a bit of fear in their eyes. He even had the Eternal Nightmare quivering.
"YOU BASTARD!" he roared taking everyone aback.
Most were used to Taric having a soul as kind as Sona's and as calm as Ashe's. What they saw was anger similar to Rengar's, the Pridestalker's whenever he loses to Kha'Zix. Some could say it was worse.
"YOU LYING BASTARD!" continued Taric getting right into Ezreal's face, "That's it! I will cover for you NO MORE!"
Taric suddenly turned to address the others.
"PEOPLES! I HAVE A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!" roared Taric, "This man is gay AND from Piltover!"
"WHOA!" cried everybody else.
"You can see it on his face!" continued Taric.
"Huh?" asked everyone.
"You've got to stop your being of completely closet case," said Taric turning to Ezreal.
"Hah!" laughed everybody in perfect sync.
"It is what you're seeing, no matter what he say!" said Taric before shaking his head, "I swear he never ever ever swing the other way."
Taric suddenly spun and jabbed a finger right at Ezreal's nose.
"You are so gay! You big parfait! You flaming boy in cabaret!" he yelled.
"I'm straight," Ezreal tried to counter meekly.
"You were not yesterday," deadpanned Taric before addressing the crowd once again, "So if I may, I'm proud to say… he's gay!"
"And from Piltover," murmured everybody else.
"He's gay!" repeated Taric.
"And from Piltover," started everybody getting louder.
"He's gay!" hollered Taric raising his arms with a wide smile.
"He's from Piltover and gay!" yelled everybody else in agreement with big smiles on their facs.
"Okay, okay I'm gay?!" admitted Ezreal with a squeak.
"HOORAY!"
Ezreal bolted upright breathing hard as he scanned his surroundings frantically.
"Ez…? Is there something wrong?"
Ezreal looked down to the source of the voice only to see Lux lying beside him in the same bed rubbing her eyes like a small child. It then clicked in Ezreal's head that they were in Lux's room at the Institute of War. The two had decided to crash there after yet another date that ran pretty smoothly… until Ezreal went to sleep. The Prodigal Explorer shook his head and turned to his concerned girlfriend.
"Nothing you need to worry about, just a... crazy dream," said Ezreal.
Lux seemed too tired to press further as she simply nodded.
"Okay…" she murmured.
Ezreal sighed and lay back down put an arm around the small of Lux's back while the girl cuddled into his chest with a content sigh. Ezreal stared absent-mindedly at the picture he and Lux took on one of their dates sitting on Lux's nightstand. The was certainly by far the weirdest dream that he had ever dreamt and he wasn't sure what he thought of it, but two things were for certain: he was most definitely just from Piltover and he was not going to be watching another musical about blondes anytime soon.
FIN