her time, her tears
head's scared, heart broke, burned from a band of gold, rather just be alone, love's just a bad joke
clock don't stop, carrie underwood
He wasn't always like this.
When she saw him, talked to him, made love to him for the first proper time in eighteen months, she realises he's different; in a way that's not just down to his expensive new suit and swish new haircut.
He's colder. He's keeping his distance emotionally - and really, physically too, because he's been away for so long and he never managed to slip home, managed to see her. He seems like a man you wouldn't want to mess with - there's a presence about him, something that scares her, that wasn't there before.
He's changed. And even though he brushes her off when she mentions it, both of them know it.
Later, once his secrets are out in the open, she knows how completely he's changed from the man she knew, the man she married.
Because he wouldn't have hurt her like this.
...
Jed was kind, caring, funny. He knew when to have fun but also when to tone it down, melt away and take her home.
She was sixteen when their relationship began, and she spent ten years watching her friends grow up and pick bad men, the wrong men, men who would always hurt them - men who cheated and stole and broke hearts. She made her friends jealous because Jed was never like that. He was serious but funny, handsome but clever - but most of all, he respected her and loved her. She would have sworn he would have never hurt her.
But now he's turning into the men she watched her friends make countless mistakes with; full of suave and charm, but hollow and meaningless. They'd skip town the moment they got what the wanted, not caring about the devastation they left in their wake.
She comforted her friends, whiskey and broken hearts as company, shushing their tears and recriminations and self-blame, joining in with their outraged anger. Now it's her turn, but she's got no one to cry to.
He's one of them now, one of the bastards who break hearts and damn the rest.
...
But the worst thing?
He never used to be like this.
This job, his job, his fucking job has done something to him. The man she met twelve years ago, the man who she let steal her heart willingly, is not this man anymore.
And she's lost, searching for a reason why. But maybe there isn't one. Maybe she'll have to live without knowing what it was that turned her sweet, loving, kind husband into this - this monster.
...
There's a memory, floating around her, calling for her time, her tears.
His first day of work as a sergeant. She was so proud. He'd stood at their front door, cap in hand and she'd stood in front of him - and smoothed the crinkles in his jacket. Then she'd kissed him, softly, like she loved him, which she did - which she had for years by then, and he'd walked out the door. She'd known that when she'd come home from work, he'd be there, drinking a beer or munching on a packet of crisps, watching the TV.
Now, he's like a ghost in her life - he's been gone for months and she's taken down the pictures of them - happy and smiling - and her wedding ring is gone.
She catches herself looking, sometimes, at her bare finger, feeling vulnerable, feeling like a part of her is missing.
...
They married on a hot summer's day, clouds hanging in the sky, threatening tropical rain and thunder that never came.
It was a small affair, just their families and a handful of friends - their local church, familiar faces and warmth and joy spilling into the night air.
At the memory - it hits her after a long shift, when she's in the locker room, alone - she breaks down.
The day was so perfect, Jed so different from the frustrating, hurtful stranger he's become.
He smiled at her and she looked into his eyes and she could see how much he loved her.
Now when he says her loves her, he's trying to prove that it's true - not the given it used to be. She's still not sure she believes him.
How could he, after what he's done?
He's just playing her, and he'd just hurt her again, and again and again. He was different now, colder, harder and she thinks that might kill her more than the fact he cheated.
Because she loves that man more than the world.
She wonders what happened to him.
She knows she'll never get her answer.
...