Author's Note: This is just a parody that popped into my head all of a sudden and I just decided to write it down and publish it. It's also probably the most random and weirdest thing I've ever written. Deception and Mass Effect 3 is the focus of this parody. It sounded better in my head, but who knows? Maybe you'll like it. It's also turned out longer than I expected.
The Parody Begins
Shepard had just finished a particularly grueling mission and thought he had earned some shore leave. He made sure everything was in proper order before getting off the Normandy. He took in a large sigh of relief when his feet hit the halls of the Citadel. Shepard's life was stressful, so it was nice to take whatever chances he could get to relax.
He was enjoying a nice drink in the Presidium Commons when he saw a Volus waddling by. Shepard turned to get a full look at him and gasped in surprise. This Volus didn't have a helmet. Shepard dropped his drink and the glass shattered on the floor.
"What are you staring at Earth Clan?" the Volus asked, annoyed.
Shepard gave no answer and just continued to stare.
"I swear, people act like they've never seen a Volus sometimes," the Volus said as he waddled off.
"Sir, would you like another glass?" a female voice asked Shepard.
"Yes, that would be- gaah!," Shepard started to respond, but was then startled.
Shepard fell backwards out of his chair and just stayed there on the ground staring at what was looming above him. It was an Asari, but… her tentacles were writhring around in the air. Shepard pointed at her tentacles with his mouth agape and the Asari frowned. Just then, Joker walked by.
"Awesome! They do move!" Joker said, illustrating his excitement with a fistpump. "Oh, hey Commander."
Shepard then picked himself up and ran up some stairs, ignoring the calls of the Asari. He ran head long into someone else at the top of the stairs. The person who Shepard had bumped into cursed, but then realized who it was.
"Oh, Shepard. I was hoping to meet you."
Shepard recognized Tali's voice and started to pick himself up," Tali, I have no idea what's going on, but I have to tell- gaaah!"
Shepard was cut off by another shock in seeing Tali without her suit on. She was in normal clothes.
"Tali! What the &*%$ are you doing without your suit! You'll get sick!"
"What are you talking about Shepard. What suit?"
Agh! No, you're so good looking, but it's so wrong at the same time!"
Shepard then ran off towards the elevator. Tali was left bewildered and alone. Shepard decided he would head to the Embassy. Maybe the Council could explain everything. Maybe just this once. Probably not. As the elevator door opened into the Embassies, he looked off to the left and saw a large group of Batarians. Shepard instinctively reached for his pistol that wasn't there. One of the Batarians noticed Shepard and walked over.
"Ah, Commander Shepard! A pleasure to-" the Batarian started.
"What the %^*% are you doing on the Citadel. You hate Humans too much to be here." Shepard exclaimed.
"What? What you talking about, Shepard? Batarians love Humans! Here, give me a hug." the Batarian responded reaching out with his arms.
"No! Nooooo! Stay away!" Shepard screamed out.
Shepard turned around and ran into an Elcor.
"Happiness Filled Question: Would you like to see me dance?"
Shepard shut his eyes and ran towards the Spectre offices. He entered quickly and noticed a Turian at one of the terminals. Shepard hoped this would be his one normal encounter. He tapped the Turian on the shoulder.
The Turian turned around," Hello Shepard. Are you ready for another mission? We have some pirates who thought they could take advantage of the Council in this time of crisis."
Shepard then slugged the Turian. It was Saren.
"That was not wise Shepard. I am the superior being."
"You're dead! DEAD! DEEAAADDD!"
"Apparently you've gone screwy Shepard."
Saren then pulled out a pistol and shot Shepard in the head. Shepard suddenly jerked into consciousness. He was wounded, lying on the ground just meters away from the Conduit. He let a sigh of relief that it was all just a nightmare. Shepard picked himself up and staggered towards the Conduit. He didn't have much time left. Then all of a sudden something popped out from behind cover and shot Shepard in the shoulder.
"No! Don't do it Shepard! The ending isn't for mortal eyes!"
It was Marauder Shields, come to perform his greatest, and noblest duty. To Shepard though, he was just another enemy.
Shepard shot Marauder Shields once, and then a second time. With the second shot Marauder Shields transformed into Marauder Health, but then Shepard shot him a third time. On the third shot, Marauder 'Health' Shields was no more.
Marauder Shields called out to Shepard," I'm sorry… Shepard. I… I tried my best. I hope... you can live through... what is coming."
Marauder Shields's life meter then drained to empty. Shepard checked his life meter, but he couldn't see it for some reason. He then stepped into the Conduit and was soon face to face with the Illusive Man.
"We must control the Reapers, Shepard! It is the only way!"
Shepard then zoned out. He thought about what he'd do with his next vacation. Maybe he could take Tali to a beach. No, that wouldn't work out. Maybe he could-
"Are you listening to me Shepard! I'm giving a speech that won't matter in a few minutes!"
Huh, oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm listening. Go ahead TIM."
"Agh! Shepard, why don't you understand? Everything I did was for love! I loved you like a son Shepard. That's why I brought you back to life. I loved you like a son!"
"Is this is where you reveal you're my father? 'Cause that's pretty cliché. Could you just shoot yourself so we could move on?"
"Ok, bye."
The Illusive Man then shoots himself. Yay. Shepard then falls over and the Crucible doesn't activate. The end.
No, wait. Here comes space magic!
Shepard soon wakes up to a kid telling him to wake up.
"Hello Shepard. I'm about to offer you three choices that are totally the bestest best endings evar! They're three different endings, each with in a different primary color!" The Star Child says.
"Green isn't a primary color." Shepard says, correcting the Star Child.
"No questioning! You don't do that now. Besides, in this world, Green is a primary color."
"You capitalized green."
"That's because in this world Green is capitalized."
"Why do I have to take these 3 choices?"
"Because they're the only $^*# ones I like Shepard! Live it with already. I mean, I already had to do all this work creating the Reapers. I had to come up with logical conclusion that I should create synthetics to kill organics so synthetics wouldn't kill organics. It all makes perfect sense. By the way, you'll die no matter what you do. So you're screwed no matter what. How's that for dark and edgy art? What's even better is the fact that you'll kill the Geth if you take the destroy option, because you totally just didn't make them friends with the Quarians. I'm going to completely pretend that never happened. And right before you make your choice, make sure to record this message. 'I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite Crucible trigger on the Citadel.'"
Shepard then shoots the Star Child, and to the frustration of millions… it does nothing.
"Agh! Space Magic!" Shepard yells out.
Shepard then takes the fourth choice.
A little while later Shepard shoots up from a slouched position and looks around. He's in a bar with Garrus.
"You fell asleep there buddy. I knew I could always outlast you at the bar."
"I had the worst nightmare ever Garrus…"
A man named Hendel and a young woman named Gillian walked up to the table.
"Hey Commander. Aren't those some hot babes over there in that corner." Hendel says pointing to the corner.
Shepard then looks and sees some attractive women.
"Weren't you gay? I never met you though, so I don't know why I would know that." Shepard asks.
"Yeah, I was. I magically turned heterosexual though. So I'm cool now," Hendel says as he sips his drink and moves off towards the corner.
"And I just outgrew autism, so I'm cool now too." Gillian said. "I'm instead violent now because my dear papa was killed. I also have super aging. I was supposed to be 15, but I'm 18. So I get to be sexy sooner!"
Gillian then moves off.
"Correction Garrus, I'm still in the nightmare."
"Hey Shepard." Garrus says to get Shepard's attention.
"What?"
"I will eat your soul…"
Shepard then quietly gets up and pushes his chair and walks out. Garrus calls out after him.
"I'll be back on the Normandy in a little while. I'm just going to have a few more drinks."
Garrus then pulls a sandwich out of nowhere and starts munching on it.