A/N Just a little one shot I wrote for a picture prompt over on Tumblr which was posted by the ever inspirational TerrieJane. It has a spoiler for season 4 so if you aren't that far then…WHERE THE HECK HAVE YOU BEEN?

Slight trigger warning for the aftermath of Anna's trauma.

I don't own….

John rose from his place at their little table and took his tea things to the sink before returning to get Anna's.

"I can do the washing up," she said with a halfhearted smile, "why don't you relax with a book in front of the fire?"

"I'll do them," John insisted. Anna had seemed preoccupied as they shared their nightly cuppa and John didn't want to push her. It had been happening a lot since she returned to their cottage after her stay at the Abbey, but regardless of the circumstances he was just glad to have her home. "Is there anything I can do for you, Darling?" he asked.

Anna shook herself from her thoughts and smiled again, "No thank you. Don't mind me, I'm just tired."

"Why don't you go on up to bed then. I'll join you when I'm done here. It shouldn't take me long."

"Maybe I will," she hesitated, "if you're sure you don't mind?"

"Not at all. I'll see you in a few moments."

John couldn't help the sigh that escaped his lips as he returned to the dishes. It was just as well for Anna to go up first. Since her attack and return to the cottage she had had a hard time getting dressed and undressed in front of him. It filled him with anger toward her attacker. It filled him with shame that he had not protected her, but mostly he felt sad. Sad at the loss of intimacy between them.

It wasn't the 'marital relations' he missed so much. Of course he missed that too, but he had gone through long bouts of celibacy many times before in his life. He could deal with that. But he was finding the lack of more innocent physical contact with his wife much harder to do without. He missed kissing her, chastely or not. He missed resting his hand on her hip as he slept. He missed cupping her face in his hand.

He sighed again, he mustn't give in to his brooding. Progress was being made and he was grateful for it. He and Anna held hands as they walked home from the big house now and he could kiss her goodnight on the forehead. And sometimes as they slept side by side she would lace her arm through his. It wasn't exactly a cuddle, but it was progress, and John was thankful for it. For his sake and for Anna's.

He dried his hands on the tea towel and made his way through the downstairs turning off the lights and checking the ashes in the grate before finally heading upstairs to join his wife. He stopped by the bathroom and carefully removed his shirt, rolling up the sleeves of his undershirt. He looked at himself in the mirror and quickly ran water in his hands, splashing it over his face and through his hair. Finally, he approached the bedroom door.

As he pushed it aside he saw Anna seated on the edge of the bed in only her knickers and chemise, again staring into space.

"I'm sorry love," he apologized, "I thought you'd be in bed by now."

He turned to leave but Anna stopped him, "Don't go. I was waiting for you."

He turned toward her with a confused look on his face, "Beg pardon?"

Anna chuckled softly and spoke a little louder, "I said, I was waiting for you. I miss you. I miss us and I was thinking, I think I'd like you to kiss me. Properly on the lips."

John was cautious, "Anna, are you sure? You don't have to do this for me."

"I'm not," she assured him, "I'm doing it for me, selfish beast that I am."

"Don't say that," John pleaded, "you've always been the most loving, caring person I know and I love you."

"Then come kiss me," she patted the bed next to her, "but first we need to even up the clothing. No shirt and no trousers, Mr. Bates."

"Anna..."

"John, I want to try. I don't know what's going to happen but I want to try. Unless of course you'll find it too disappointing if it doesn't go well?"

John's lip quirked into a tiny grin, "There you go being selfish again," he teased. "Of course we can try. But you must agree not to push yourself too far. Don't let me frighten you. Promise?"

"I promise," she nodded quickly and confidently. She watched in fascination as John took off first his braces and then his undershirt. She pressed her knees more tightly together and twisted a bit of the sheets in her hands.

"Are you alright?" John asked tenderly.

"Yes," she took several fairly deep breaths, "Now the trousers."

John took them off slowly, leaving plenty of time for Anna to change her mind. He went to put his things on a chair but then got an idea. He placed his clothes neatly on the floor and carried the chair over to the bed, placing it directly in front of Anna.

"I'm going to sit here and when you're ready for me to touch you, you can let me know."

Tears pricked at Anna's eyes, "Thank you, John. I know this is silly..."

"Hush," he scolded her softly, "you are by far the bravest person I've ever know Anna Bates. I can't imagine what this is like for you, but I'll help in any way I can."

Anna put her hand to her forehead and closed her eyes, "I know I'm lucky John. I don't know how you can even still find me attractive after what's happened. But you do and then I just make you wait and wait and..."

"Enough, love," John reached up and gently pulled her hand from her forehead, "I couldn't possibly gain any pleasure from anything that made you unhappy or caused you fear or pain. We are in this together or not at all. Now," he reached out his other hand, "Give me your hands and well start there."

She gave him her other hand and John slowly carressed the backs with his thumbs, all the while looking straight into his wife's eyes and reminding her that she was safe and loved and beautiful.

"I'm going to move a little closer now. Shall I?" he asked.

Anna nodded her head and without letting go of her hands John shifted in his chair so that their legs were touching.

They sat that way for about ten minutes before Anna took John's hands and slowly placed them on her thighs. As she felt the heat of his fingers touch her skin she gasped. He tried to pull away immediately but she took hold of his wrists and held his hands in place.

"I'm alright," she said. She meant it as a statement of reassurance but it came out as more of a question.

"Yes Anna," John whispered, "you're alright. You're in our home. You're safe. This is John and I love you. I would never hurt you. You are my wife and I love you. I will always love you."

Anna nodded, looking in his eyes. She couldn't help the tears from forming but she was smiling too. "Can I kiss you?" she asked.

John smiled gently, "If you'd like, but don't push yourself."

"No, I want to. But is it alright if I keep hold of your wrists?" She looked for reassurance, "It helps me to feel more in control."

"Whatever you need, love."

She leaned forward and barely brushed her lips against his. John was afraid to move or even breathe but he couldn't help closing his eyes and concentrating on the feel of his wife's mouth. Anna increased the pressure briefly and then she was gone. He opened his eyes to see her leaned back away from him, her hands in her lap and a genuine smile on her face.

"I did it," she said proudly.

"You did," he smiled, eyes shining.

"It was wonderfu!" She giggled.

"It was," he replied.

"I'm exhausted."

"So am I," John said rising to his feet and returning the chair to it's proper place.

Anna leaned back in the bed and threw the covers over herself, pulling back the covers on John's side. He got in and turned off the light, lying on his back. When he felt Anna tuck her arm through his in the dark, he smiled. Yes, they were making progress.