Enough doom and gloom for now, here's some humour, the sequel to Obi's Oops I and the «real» reason why certain things happened in the Universe.
Oh, and please ignore the cover if it looks ugly, it was one of my earlier works and thus far from the best.
Obi's Oops II: The Evil hPhone
It was barely days after the original hPhone incident, in which he did not get the chance to spend time with either Siri because of Council duties, and of course, the war. Now that the latest battle was over though, Obi-Wan thought he'd finally get his break. Sitting down in the very same seat he'd occupied the other time, he pulled the hPhone to his hand and chose to start again.
Slide to unlock… was the message on the screen. But it was hard to read it, as it constantly changed from Aurebesh to Trade Federation Written, to Mando'a, to Huttese, to Droid, and even to some writing system he'd never seen before every few seconds. Finally using a short-term memory enhancement technique the Jedi Master was able to figure out what it said, following the instruction, however, was a different story.
Five minutes of fussing around, and words he would never utter in another's presence, he ripped off his uniform glove and used his bare finger to interact with the screen. And oh joy, it worked!
When unlocked, the screen displayed a blue background, with teeny-tiny letters saying, "Your device is almost ready to use. Just complete these steps and you're in business!" So after running down to Terra Senube for a pair of glasses, Obi-Wan read what the text said. The first step was to hit 'next', the second was to insert his h-mail address. That was hard, because his finger was far too large to fit on just one key on the on-screen keyboard, and the phone did not want to recognise his .crsnt address. Nor did it like his .crsnt domain, nor even his "Kenobi ". With an exasperated sigh, and muttering the Jedi Code as fast as he could, the Master walked over to his PT, personal terminal.
A few yanks on the power cord, a solid thump or two on the main box, and a Force trick to give the CPU a boost saw the screen displaying a deep violet field with a brown head separated in four pieces and the inscription 'WINDU'S VISTA'
I do not see it necessary to describe exactly what went on, for if you have used the operating system to which I have eluded, you will know what the Negotiator faced, for now, let's skip to when HoloNet Explorer 8004898369e+26951 finally finished loading.
Of course the first page he saw was .com and it took him ages to shut off all the pop-ups, cancel all the advertisements about him being their 999,999,999,999,999,999[…]999,999th viewer and wait while the blasted thing updated, but finally had control. He went to the address bar and punched in 'gwn' – for 'galaxy-wide-net' – '. '. From there he made his way onto the sign up page for the mail service, and after a gruelling form which asked questions like, "On planet, what, live you do hmm?" or "Your number you will insert, necessary it is, yes." Or even, "Lightsaber colour, which is yours, green or blue, hmm?" and had text like "This asterisk you see, yes? When see it again you do, complete the field you must…" or even "The Password is strong with this one. A powerful account this will be."
After ticking a good three dozen boxes promising not to do anything, it was time for the capture. The image took over half the screen, and was said to consist of 200 characters which had to be retyped exactly as they were case sensitive. After thirty minutes of that, twenty minutes of the audio file that first would not load and then when it did it sounded like it was recorded in the cafeteria during a food fight, he finally had enough and hacked the system, he had picked up a few things from his Padawan over the years.
Finally, his account was set up, and another fifteen minutes later, he completed step 2. Number three asked him if he wanted hCloud and HoloStream. Cue two hours of searches which yielded nothing but ads and viruses and Obi-Wan was ready to take a battalion of clones and wipe out the manufacturer of that infernal device.
By step four, which was the "Find my hPhone" feature, Obi-Wan was already thinking that just killing them wound not be enough and he was revisiting his torture on Jabiim for inspiration.
Thankfully step five was a congratulations screen and he was able to access his phone's home screen. Only to be promptly arrested by the three alerts offering him to join HeadBook, Squawker and MineSpace. The designers of the phone must have deliberately installed a mini airbag to prevent the device from shattering upon impact with some solid object when the customer just about had it.
The Next Day
After whipping the floor with the Temple's entire population of Padawans, Knights, and even Masters – Yoda included – in a gigantic sparring marathon, High General Kenobi finally relieved stress accumulated during the exploration of the hPhone's interface.
After a refreshing shower, he thought he would give the blasted thing one more chance. He pressed the home button three times and Siri activated. "Good Morning."
"Likewise," He was just being polite.
"I am sorry, I do not recognise that request!"
So fine, "Open contacts…"
"I am sorry, I am not allowed to do that!"
Nice! "Call Anakin Skywalker,"
"I am sorry, I am not allowed to do that!"
"Open mail."
"I am sorry, I do not know what that means!"
Feeling very miffed, Obi-Wan burst out, "Oh go stuff yourself down a Ronto's afterburner!"
"I am sorry, how do I do that?"
At the exact same time, another voice said, "That's not nice, Kenobi… not when a friend comes in to say hi anyway."
So Obi-Wan Kenobi explained the situation to his trusted friend Siri Tachi. Three hours later she was utilizing every single swear she heard during her brief tenure as a slaver, and smashing apart various objects…
The Next Week
"The factory is in range general," reported CC-2224 with a salute.
"Cody, execute Order 88, wipe them out, all of them…"
0BBY, Death Star I
"You may fire when ready…"
"What! Alderaan is—"
"You're far too trusting, and anyway, I would have destroyed this planet sooner or later…"
Leia was appalled at Tarkin's words, "Why?"
"You see my dear, there was one redeeming feature about Obi-Wan Kenobi. He wiped out the entire Muja Corporation, to the last employee. He personally tore apart their software chief, bit by bit… Unfortunately, an affiliate of that despicable organisation set up shop on Alderaan under the name of, "jPhone Ind."
Leia shuddered, then raising her voice she said, "Ensign, open fire!"
The End