Author Note: I could not have written this without JacquelineR- the support and inspiration I have received from you has been amazing! Also, the speech in bold belongs to JacquelineR :)

Usually I'm a McSwarek shipper until the end, but a kind reviewer requested a McCollins story so I thought- why not give it a go? :)

Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated to Rookie Blue. All characters are property of the show's creators.

"To conceal anything from those to whom I am attached, is not in my nature. I can never close my lips when I have opened my heart."

Charles Dickens

"Andy," yelled a rather drunk Gail from the living room," Get back in here; we need to discuss Operation Move On From Swarek before it's too late and you get all hung up on him again!"

When I called Traci after I left the parking lot, I never expected Gail and Nick showing up as well and whilst they were all welcome, Gail seemed to be getting very well acquainted with my tequila. We had spent the majority of the night discussing my decision to give up on Sam and I. Traci had asked me numerous times if I was sure it was what I wanted, I presume her and Oliver have had discussions about us, she said that she'd ultimately support me regardless of my choice. Gail on the other hand, although fresh from her cleanse, had now been polluted by alcohol and was adamant that I would only get back with Sam Swarek over her dead body. It was around the time that Gail launched into her character assassination of Sam that I glanced at Nick. He looked somewhat uncomfortable and suddenly got up to go and fetch another beer. His quietness unnerved me because ever since Project Dakota, there'd never been any silence and we'd been able to talk about anything-and trust me, he's had his fair share of things to say about the man I left behind on a bar stool.

After a few more hours of drinking and talking, Traci said she had to get home to Leo as she'd not seen him much for the last couple of days what with the case and the times of her shifts. Gail, who was in a semi-conscious state on my couch and would certainly be regretting tonight's actions in the morning, received a lift from Traci who said it would be pointless for Nick to drive to Gail's house when his was in the opposite direction yet Traci's was just a few blocks away. Within a few minutes we had all managed to wrangle Gail into Traci's car and Nick and I watched their tail lights fade into the black Toronto night.

An air of palpable awkwardness descended upon us and as I turned my head to see where Nick was, I saw him darting glances between the disappearing car and my apartment.

"Are you coming up for coffee?" I asked, hoping to eradicate the strange atmosphere that was lingering.

"Sure," he replied quickly, "As long as you don't use any of that flavored stuff you had me drinking for the last six months. I don't think I ever want to touch that again!"

"Hey, you said you liked it. I wouldn't have made you drink it if I knew you didn't like it."

"I only did it to keep you happy," he answered, his voice getting quieter as he uttered the sentence.

As soon as the words escaped the confines of his mouth, we shot a nervous glance at each other, somewhat afraid of what we would see when our eyes locked. Neither of us moved an inch, it was only when a stereo blasted out from an apartment window that we each broke out of our daze and began the ascent back up the stairs.

Whilst I was putting the coffee in the filter, I could feel Nick standing behind me to my left, his eyes burning holes in the back of my head.

"Whatever it is you want to say or ask me Nick, please just do it," I said as I spun around to face him, "I can't handle this, this silence. It's not like us."

I watched his jaw tense as he formulated his sentence.

"Why do you do it Andy?"

"Why do I do what, Nick?"

"Why can you never decide what you want when it comes to Swarek? I hate to see you flit back and forth between wanting him, missing him, hating him and then wanting something better for yourself."

"Nick, it's not that simple. You know what's it's been like…"

"Of course I know what it's been like for you Andy," he interrupted," I've been the one that's been there for you for the past eight months. You can't wait around for Sam Swarek to return feelings that he was probably never capable of in the first place. It's stupid, it's pointless and it's a waste of time because in the end, he's always going to disappoint you, just like every other time."

"I know Nick, alright? I know."

"Andy," he said softly as he put a hand on my shoulder, "You deserve to be with someone who treats you right, someone who can appreciate you for exactly who you are. There aren't many people like you and if Sam can't see that, then he's a fool because everyone else around you can see how amazing you are."

"Everyone?"

"Everyone." The conviction with which he spoke reignited the spark in his eye, the spark that had been missing most of the night and I was pleased to see the man I know return.

Suddenly, without warning, the hand that was on my shoulder moved down to my waist. My eyes flew to meet his and before I knew it, my head nodded in a sign of agreement at what was about to happen. He slowly drew me in towards him and as he did, I felt my eyelids close in anticipation. When our lips touched, a burst of electricity shot through me bringing with it, Nick's request to deepen the kiss. I almost granted him permission but, from somewhere deep within, a feeling of guilt overpowered me. I disentangled my hand from his hair and placed it on his chest, gently putting some distance between us.

"We can't," I stuttered, attempting to regain some perspective on the situation.

"Why not?" He asked breathlessly.

"Gail. That's why. You love her Nick; you promised her that you'd try to make it work."

"I know, but Andy, I need to tell you something…"

"Nick," I warned, " I think I know what you're going to say and if I'm right, I don't want to hear it. You can't tell me that I need to decide what I want, when you go and do this. We both know that you love Gail, you're supposed to be with Gail."

I could see the realization in his eyes that I was right, that he was being hypocritical.

"Andy," he responded, "I do love Gail, truly I do, but I can't shake the feelings that I have for you- the feelings that I've had for the last few months. You can call it double standards but I'm here. I'm telling you what I want. I'm making a decision and now you need to make one too."

"You want a decision Nick"? I asked incredulously. "Fine, here's one," I said raising my voice slightly as I walked back toward the front door, "You need to go Nick. Please don't put me in that position, please? I can't be Jo. I know what it feels like to be the third person and I won't do that to Gail. Please go."

"I'll go Andy. Just know that I know that you're willing to use any defense or reason to put off any relationship for as long as you can because deep down, you're still holding out for Sam Swarek! I don't understand why you're so desperate to put yourself through it again…"

"Nick- please?" I begged, attempting to hold back the tears as his words cut through me.

"I can't go yet Andy. We promised each other that we wouldn't ever go to bed on an argument again Andy, not after the last time."

"I know what we promised Nick, but sometimes, you have to break your promise if it's for the best. I'm going to go and get ready for bed, I'd really like for you to be gone. Go to Gail or go home- either way, you need to be gone when I come back." I strode off into the bedroom, hoping to escape the living room that now doubled as a war zone.

Through the crack in the door, I watched him pick his coat up off of the back of the sofa and walk out the door.

"What have I done?" I said to myself, as I buried my head in my hands.

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