Title: Rules of The Torchwood Three Hub
Spoilers: None
Prompt: Torchwood Rules.
Copyright: I do not own Torchwood, Captain Jack Harkness or Ianto Jones, nor do I own any other member of Torchwood.
"Coffee, Sir." Ianto smiled at Jack, as he handed him a freshly brewed cup of special blend.
"Thank you Yan. Is there something wrong with Tosh this morning? She was acting rather strangely around me," the Captain asked him, taking a sip of the steaming coffee, "Hmm, gorgeous as usual."
"Have you read your emails yet?" The Welshman enquired, straightening out his suit and dusting off some invisible lint.
"No, I've only just got in, why?"
"Just read your emails and you'll understand" Ianto smirked, before leaving the Captains office.
Jack sighed at his young lover's vagueness, opening his emails and continuing to enjoy his coffee. When he saw the most recent email in his inbox, the time stamp reading 7:32am meaning Ianto must have sent it as soon as he arrived, Jack could not believe his eyes. This had happened before with previous Torchwood Teams, but he had never thought that this team would do it, and especially not Ianto.
'From: Jones, Ianto. Subject: Rules of The Torchwood Three Hub'
1. Jack Harkness is no longer allowed to use Alien Ultrasound Gel as lubricant for his and Tea-Boys sexual escapades - Owen
Jack that stuff is incredibly expensive and hard to come across. UNIT have already enquired as to why I am constantly ordering more stock, and I have already used the excuse 'so I have spare' so many times now, that they probably think we're swimming in the stuff.
Yes, I have heard many, too many bloody times now, that it works brilliantly, but that is not its designed purpose, and I actually do need to use it.
2. No more giving me work to do an hour before I finish – Ianto
Instead, give me work in the morning. That way then, it will be done in time for UNIT, you will not get into trouble, and I will finally get to go home on time for once. I will also no longer be moody with you, because I will have had the correct amount of sleep, in my own bed rather than on the Hub sofa, or in your bunker which is in no way 'comfy and cosy' might I add. The challenge of a deadline is neither refreshing, nor fun.
3. Asking me to give Rhys as £26,000 phone bill is completely unacceptable -Tosh
I don't care if the guy punched you in the face, I am not doing it. You deserved to be punched in my opinion, you provoked him, and giving him such a phone bill is completely ridiculous. Also, if Rhys has a phone bill that large, then it means Gwen will also.
4. Stop leaving without telling anyone – Gwen
It makes me look stupid when someone asks me where you've gone, and I don't know that you have even left the hub. Especially if something goes wrong, and you're off sightseeing or shopping or whatever it is you are doing when you disappear. If you leave, tell us where you're going.
5. Streaking will no longer be permitted within the Torchwood Hub - Owen
Yes Jack, we are fully aware of how attractive you think you are, but we do not need to see it. And we definitely do not need to see it when we're eating lunch. Your private parts should be kept private, or shown only to Tea-Boy, but I do not want to bloody see them.
6. Don't interrupt me every 10 minutes to see how I am doing on an important job – Ianto
If it is a really important job that needs to be done quickly then you hovering behind me, advising me on every keystroke, and asking if I need any assistance does not help. You are a distraction Harkness, and you know it. Those 51st Century Pheromones of yours are a distraction.
7. When you see me walking into the office with my arms full of papers and files, that infact I am bringing up to you, please stop and give me a hand – Gwen
Or even open the door for me, I do not need to learn how to function as a paraplegic, nor am I training myself on how to open doors without any arms.
8. There is a time and a place for watching videos such as you do on the internet, and during office hours and on Torchwood software definitely is not it - Tosh
Please remember I can view your Internet History Jack, and I am able to access everything you do on your computer, whether you are on private browsing or not. When I go to access a file from your computer system, I do not want to view website names such as those thank you. Also, you are into some freaky stuff.
9. Setting the clock in the hub an hour fast, and the clock in the Tourist office 25 minutes slow, is definitely not funny – Ianto
Due to your silly game, I had many confused Tourists, who believed me to be truly mad when I told them our clock couldn't possibly be wrong. You know I like to be on time to everything, and doing this caused me to be late. And before you deny it, I know it was you, this had Jack Harkness written all over it.
10. You missing the bus is not an appropriate reason for being late to work - Gwen
Jack, you live in the Hub, you do not need to use the bus in order to get into work, so why you believed we would accept this excuse I do not know.
11. When you give me paperwork to do, especially when it's a huge stack of different things, tell me which you need first - Ianto
I am not psychic Jack, I cannot read minds, and even if I know you very well now, I don't know you well enough to know which UNIT files you need signing or completing before others. So next time, prioritise and don't shout at me.
12. Stop making me stay later than I should, by distracting me – Ianto
I have a home Jack, which I like a lot. I also have a life beyond Torchwood, and as much I like my job, I do not like to stay longer than I should have to. You also do not give me over time pay, which if I did get, I would be rich by now.
Failure to abide by these rules will result in punishment, and not the good kind.
Ianto Jones.
Jack sighed as he finished reading the email, picking up the coffee and taking another sip. As he closed the email, and picked up a stack of today's paperwork, he smiled. Ianto would not get away with this, and he knew that it must have been the Welshman who had convinced the rest of the team to do this.
"Ianto!" the Captain shouted through the hub, taking another sip of the delicious coffee in his hand.