I had an idea for something like this a while ago, but I never really decided to follow it. But after a bit of thinking, I decided why the heck not? And now that I'm done writing the story and have looked it over, I can honestly say I have no idea what was going through my mind when I wrote this. Hope you enjoy.

Disingenuous Assertions

Oh dear lord.

Not this again.

"Maybe if I pretend she doesn't exist, she'll go away," he mused, trying to keep his exposed face out of sight. He used the back of his hand to conceal himself, but quickly realized it wasn't subtle enough. "Legion, get over here," he grumbled. "I have a job for you."

"Shepard-Comman…?"

Shepard conspicuously snatched Legion by the forearms. He pulled the geth to his side and used his robotic body as a meat shield to veil himself, making as much noise as possible in the process.

"Error. Error. Critical error. Shepard-Commander, this platform is not suitable to use for cover."

"Nngh, hold still Legion. Just be quiet for one…"

"Shepard?"

He stopped dead in his tracks.

"Shit."

"Oh my, Shepard, is that you?" the crook nosed woman repeated. A wicked ear-to-ear grin stretched over her wrinkled complexion. Her lecherous, dirty, piercing eyes beamed brightly. Her canines bared, her tongue salivating with enthusiasm. A tendril of drool leaked out of the gaping chasm she called a mouth. She had her target locked: there was no escape.

"Khalisah bint Sinan al-Jilani, Westerlund News." She tried to keep her tone as smug as possible. What a bitch.

Shepard slowly rotated on the balls of his stationary feet. His body remained entirely still. He forced an eerie smile, his teeth gritted, his eyes squinted, his muscles flexed. His jaw jutted forward, giving the impression he had a massive under bite. "Yes?" He accentuated the last syllable of his reply, his eyes suddenly widening when his tongue flicked off the roof of his mouth.

"Mmm, you remember me? I interviewed you two years ago, when you first became a Spectre?" Her testy voice sounded more conceited than a krogan vainly boasting his vastly superior strength to a cluster of hanar children. "You presented your case… very well on camera." She snickered deviously, an open palm covering her mouth.

Shepard thinned his spiteful stare and muttered, "Nope. Sorry. Don't remember. Don't care." He tried to keep his sentences as choppy and malformed as possible.

"But the people remember you, Shepard…" she hissed, her serpentine tongue slithering out of her mouth. She uttered a bovine chuckle, her Adam's apple sinking lower down her elongated neck. "You're back, you're news. I…" She made sure to put as emphasis and dazzle as possible in her personal pronoun. "Just want to give your story its due."

She took out her codex, her right hand reaching behind to fluff the tufts of her ancient, cobweb dusted, bowl cut hair. Then, the light turned on.

"Oh God, not the light." Shepard wasn't very good under media pressure. He had the obscene habit of sweating, blinking, twitching, and screaming.

"Right… so…" she began. "Sources claim you were at the heart of the Presidium during the Battle of the Citadel. It's fair to…"

"THE BATTLE OF PRESIDIUM WAS GOOD DERP," he screamed, his dilated pupils staring directly into the blinding light of the camera. "ME FOUGHT GOOD AND PROTECT CITADEL FROM HAVING DIRECT CONTROL ASSUMED."

All eyes went to him.

Shepard gasped, then grunted and discharged a breathy exhale. He bent his body forward, both hands straightening along his buckled knees. Sweat dripped off his finely trimmed moustache, pooling at the depression of his philtrum. A hazy fog began evaporating over his glass eyewear.

"Shepard-Commander," Legion stated, putting his hands on the soldier's shoulders. He tried to comfort the man, but Shepard wouldn't accept it.

"No, no I'm alright, I'm good," he said, gasping for breath. He pushed Legion to the side and slowly straightened his back, wobbling unsteadily to his feet. Legion caught him before he tumbled over. "Thanks." He wiped his wet lips and bellowed a hacking cock, spitting a bit of phlegm on the floor next to him. "You didn't see that," he stated to the camera, stamping out his spit with the sole of his boot.

"Damn reporter," he thought. "Using those same, beguiling, enticing tricks on me! I can't stop staring at her… wonderfully proportioned… nostrils! And those incredibly large… bags under her eyes! I-I… I won't let this happen again. No, I've got to end this. Once. And for all."

He stared hatefully at the woman, a raging fire burning within him. He imagined her, laughing at him, ridiculing him, mocking him. He wouldn't have it.

Not on his Zakera Ward.

Not on his Citadael.

"Right…" she scribbled a few reminder notes on her holopad, only heightening Shepard's anger. The commander clenched his right fist tightly. "So, onwards. It's fair to say the course of the battle hinged on your words. If true, you ordered Admiral…"

"NOOOOOOOOO! NO MORE! NO MORE!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. The entire Citadel went silent with fear.

"I'M COMMANDER SHEPARD.

AND I HAVE HAD.

ENOUGH.

OF YOUR DISINGENUOUS.

ASSERTIONS!"

Shepard's clenched fist twitched uncontrollably. Blood pumped to his hand, to his brain, to his bloodshot eyes. He gnashed his teeth together, his jaw pushing forward. The earth trembled underneath his rigid boots. He cocked his right arm back, poising his fist next to his ear. His eyes widened. He shouted something incomprehensible. He stared into her horrified pupils.

He'd been waiting a long time for this.

His fist skyrocketed forwards with the force of twenty full grown krogans charging. It collided with Khalisah's face, causing her cheek flesh to undulate like ripples on a pool of water. Her eyes remained wide. She didn't even know what hit her. His armored knuckles broke the bridge of her nose. He heard a wicked cracking sound. The depression around her left eye vanished, the gap replaced by his furious punch. A black clot grew around the swollen site of impact. A tooth spat out between her puckered lips. Her body spun three times. She saw stars and darkness. She found balance on the heels of her feet, but quickly tipped forward and face planted into the cold, hard, unforgiving cement.

Silence.

Shepard panted. Sweat leaked from every pore in his body, pores he didn't even know existed. He writhed with pain, his hand stinging something nasty. He shook it side to side, sucking in sharp breaths of air. He tilted his chin up. A consoling hand fell on his toned shoulder.

"Shepard-Commander, we have built a consensus." The geth paused, his other hand quickly rising up. He gave a thumbs up, his sleek exterior shining brightly.

Shepard felt a tear slide down his cheek as he began to cry in happiness. He embraced his synthetic bud in a loving hug and whispered, "Come on Legion, let's go home. Let's go home."

Then they held hands and skipped off into the sunset and lived happily ever after.