Author's Note: I decided to write this because, while I read New Moon, I always wondered what was up with Edward, and what he was thinking the whole time. I promise that I will write this until I'm completely finished with it. Please review!

Song lyrics at the beginning are from "Up and Up" by Relient K. Please read lyrics, they will always be relevant to the chapter.

Disclaimer: New Moon and all the characters and some dialogue are Stephanie Meyer's. Obviously.

I'm on the up and up,

Yeah there's nothing left to lose.

'Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you.

"What are you thinking about?" Bella asked me quietly.

I was lying next to her with my arm around her, wondering if I could have done anything to prevent what had happened. There was one thing I could have done a long time ago, but that was too painful to think about. I told myself the answer was no.

"I was thinking about right and wrong, actually."

She was visibly disturbed by the answer. I knew what she would want. She would try to convince me of what I could not convince myself. She would say that it wasn't my fault, and that she didn't want me to beat myself up about it.

But what could I do? Something stupid happened. Something that wouldn't matter to anyone else. She had given herself a paper cut. Then I threw her onto a crystal bowl, giving her a horrid gash in her fragile arm. My entire family (besides Carlisle, of course) was tempted to jump on her, snap her neck, and finish her off, myself included. My brother attempted to accomplish just that. Because of me. Had I not existed, nothing would have happened. Nothing.

"Remember how I decided that I wanted you not to ignore my birthday?" she asked, distracting me.

"Yes,"

"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."

"You're greedy tonight." I commented.

"Yes, I am, but please, don't do anything you don't want to do."

As if I could ever not want her. I chuckled at such a thought. "Heaven forbid that I do anything I don't want to do,"

I pulled face up to meet mine, and pressed our lips together. I stayed behind the distinct lines I had drawn for her safety. Then, suddenly, I decided that if I lost this argument with myself and left her, it shouldn't matter what lines were crossed. As she noticed my tolerance for her creeping past those lines, she ran far past them and kissed me more enthusiastically. I felt her pulse quicken, and her body grow warmer next to me. The burning ache in my throat reminded me that I was not human. I abruptly stopped. If I were to leave her, I didn't want to leave her dead. I noticed the shock on her face, and apologized.

"Sorry, that was out of line."

"I don't mind."

"Try to sleep, Bella."

"No, I want you to kiss me again." she insisted.

"You're overestimating my self-control."

"Which is more tempting to you, my blood, or my body?"

I pondered this. Both were very tempting indeed.

"It's a tie." I responded truthfully. "Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and get to sleep?"

"Fine."

She obliged without putting up a fight.

As she slept, I thought about right and wrong again. I hated myself for so many reasons now. For letting her cross those lines. For letting her love me. For letting jasper in the house while she was there. For not just staying in Alaska the first time I met her. For throwing her onto the crystal bowl. For being what I am, a monster. For not stopping myself when I found out I loved her, too. For so many reasons. Too many to justify with the fact that she didn't mind it anyway.

If a stone could produce tears, I would have been crying.

I knew what I had to do. I had to leave, and to never see her again. I glanced at her moon bleached perfection. This would surely hurt her, too. But humans got over ended relationships quickly. Jessica got over it when she was attracted to me. If I left, she wouldn't think about it twice. But Bella would. And I would. And I always would, no matter what. But Bella would forget me too. She would get over me and be happy. She would go to college and get married and have children. And I would just exist.

So that was that, then. The hard part would be getting the others to go along with it.

When she woke, I quickly kissed her forehead and ducked out of the window. I ran the long way home, to give myself time to figure out what to say. When I arrived, Jasper and Alice were home again.

I nodded at them both, and Alice noticed my expression.

Stay. Please stay. This isn't your fault and it'll kill her and Charlie along with her.

I shook my head. I could tell that she hadn't told anyone of my plans, because they were all worrying about Jasper. He was infuriated with himself, and Alice was having a hard time convincing him otherwise.

"Can I please talk to all of you?" I asked, and they all came and sat at the table, unsure of what the meeting had been called for. I sighed. "I'm leaving."

NO. Esme mentally shouted.

"You finally found happiness, and you want to just throw it away?!? By doing this you'll kill all of us!" Rosalie hissed.

"I can't just let her be in this danger! If I hurt her, it will be even worse!"

Esme was crying without tears. All the others were furious. I shot a glance at Jasper, and with him and Carlisle calming everyone, they all were seated.

Carlisle sighed. "You can't leave. You can't split up this family. Either we all stay, or we all leave."

I didn't like that idea. I didn't want them to have to sacrifice anything for me. "I can't stay, and you can't leave."

"If you're so decided we will all leave. We would have to in another year or so anyway."

After a few moments more of discussion, everyone agreed except Rosalie, of course. They would leave immediately, a clean break for her. I would stay longer to say good bye, and we would never come back.

When they had left, I changed for school and got in my Volvo. In a couple more days, I would be gone. I would have to forget her. I parked in the small lot and waited for her there.