AN: For the life of me, I cannot write a happy Seblaine fic. This is what happens when I try.
Disclaimer: No owns the Glee.
Warnings: Abuse, Language
or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life with shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending
somewhere i have never traveled, gladly beyond
~e. e. cummings~
Blaine remembers lazy Saturdays, sprawled out on his bed while Sebastian read a chapter from To Kill a Mockingbird and gave all the characters these really funny sounding voices. He remembers laughing until his stomach hurt and falling asleep in their blazers because they were always too tired to either change or leave the comfort of the same bed. He remembers waking up to the sound of Sebastian's voice chastising him for sleeping in too late even though it's a Saturday so what does it matter, Seb, just go back to bed. He remembers being unable to fall asleep because the look on Sebastian's face while he did was just too perfect to miss.
"And what's this, huh? Who is this guy, Blaine? Some fuck buddy you've been keeping from me? Is that what he is to you, Blaine?"
"No, Seb, how could you – "
"I thought we were in love, Blaine."
"Sebastian, where is this even coming from?"
"I saw you with that guy at the coffee shop. I thought I was the only one for you, Blaine, 'cause you're the only one for me."
"Wha-Kurt? Seb, he's not even…"
Blaine remembers dancing at their Senior Prom, covered in confetti and streamers as the world ceased to move beneath their feet. Sebastian looked particularly handsome that night, like a prince straight out of some fairytale. They refused to call it a 'date', even though they went out to dinner beforehand and held hands while walking into the place. He remembers how close they got and how Sebastian sang every word of every song he knew right into Blaine's ear. He remembers slow-dancing to some song that he'd never remember because the words got lost in Sebastian's eyes and the beat fell second to the solid thrum of his heartbeat. He remembers the sensation of finally belonging.
It's raining outside, and there are six unread messages from Kurt on his phone.
"I love you, you know."
Blaine swallows. His left eye still throbs, and it's a pain unlike any he's ever known – deeper than the physical traces of it. But who would he be to deny his love for the man lying next to him, saving him?
A liar.
"I love you, too, Seb."
"Forever?"
He swallows again. "Forever."
He remembers the ride home that night, just the two of them in a limo on the way to his house, where they'd probably just stay up all night eating popcorn and playing MarioKart. He remembers how quiet they were, just sitting there, side-by-side like two strangers who were just itching to say something to each other. Their hands kept brushing and Blaine kept pulling away first, blushing like some love drunk idiot straight out of some half-ass romantic comedy.
Sebastian's at his worst whenever Blaine has to work, but today isn't one of those days, so Blaine can breathe a little easier.
"Want some pancakes, babe? They're chocolate-chip, your favorite." His smile is like a thousand shards of chipped ice straight through Blaine's heart.
He steps close and wraps his arms around his boyfriend's waist, wondering vaguely when touching him like this started to feel more like playing a role rather than giving affection to the one person who deserved it most. "Make me a whole stack."
Sebastian's laugh is music, short and bittersweet. "Hungry, huh?"
Blaine smiles and his skin feels like plastic. "You kept me up almost all night, remember? Worked up my appetite."
"Like I could ever forget."
I wish I didn't want to.
Blaine remembers how red his cheeks were when Sebastian started stripping free of his suit the second they closed the door behind them. He remembers wanting to turn away but not being able to. He remembers the look on his friend's face when he got caught looking, like he'd been waiting forever and they'd finally found each other. He remembers, almost with perfect clarity, the way it felt to kiss the love of his life. Then, it was a lot like floating on clouds, drifting away, away, away.
Now, it just feels like he's drowning.
Blaine is on the floor, counting ceiling tiles, when Sebastian starts to apologize, and how many times has he heard these words?
"I'm so sorry, babe, God, I'm so sorry…"
He helps Blaine up and rushes to grab a towel, holding it to his boyfriend's bloody nose as gently as if he were nursing a baby bird with broken wings back to health. "Sometimes it just gets the best of me, you know? You know, right, Blaine? That I'd never hurt you like this if you didn't make me so angry?"
It cuts straight through his skin, to have to hear, for the hundredth time, that this is his fault.
"I'll try to be better," he whispers, at a loss. His voice gets lost in the rush of wind through his ears. All everything does is pass right through him, these days. Even the pain doesn't hurt so bad, anymore.
Upstairs, his phone rings and rings, and Kurt is getting worried again.
They were eighteen, then. Young and reckless and off to New York to chase those big dreams that fit so perfectly in their hands. Every kiss was a promise, meant to be kept and cared for. They did well for the first few months, leaving for the day but always, always coming back to each other by the time twilight was crawling across the sky. Something changed, but Blaine could never really say what. Maybe it was when he started to make other friends, or maybe it was when those first few publishers started getting interested in his work.
Maybe it was always there, creeping across the edges like night to day, and Blaine was just too naïve to see it.
"Blaine, you're worrying me."
"Kurt, I really gotta go…Sebastian…"
"Can wait! Talk to me, Blaine!"
And the need is so intense, so incredibly powerful, that he almost chokes on it. "I want to, Kurt but…"
Kurt's sigh carries through his side, blurring the lines and making him forget, for just a second, that Sebastian's on his way home. "You have to go, I know. I'll just…I'll talk to you later, Blaine."
"Kurt, please don't take any of this personally. I-I…" I need you.
Blaine never meant to meet Kurt. It happened on accident, on an early coffee trip because Sebastian was starting to get on his nerves and he had a "meeting with his publisher."
Because it was six o'clock on a Friday morning, the place was packed, so his only option was to share a table with someone. It wasn't like he hadn't done it before; it was just that the last thing he wanted was to have to talk to someone.
He did enough of that with Sebastian.
"Hey, is this seat taken?"
The man that looks up at him is beautiful, with eyes the color of the ocean on a rainy day. His smile is something Blaine's never seen. "Not yet, no."
"I've seen all the calls from this Kurt guy, Blaine. I'm not an idiot."
"You need to stop worrying about him, okay, baby? He's nothing more than a friend."
"So you're telling me what to do now? Is that it? You're trying to control me?"
The room spins. Fuzzy, electric lights that dip and swirl across his vision, dancing like lovers on their wedding day. His ears ring, and the pain radiates through his skull like an earthquake.
He's on the floor, pressed against broken glass (because he wasn't the first thing Sebastian threw) and leaking crimson all over everything expensive. He sees a flash of the sea before everything fades to black, and the world was never as pretty as he wanted it to be, was it?
Blaine remembers having Kurt over while Sebastian was on some business trip. He remembers Kurt falling asleep on his shoulder, and every breath Blaine took suddenly felt considerably different. Lighter, even. He remembers pressing a kiss against Kurt's forehead just to confirm his thoughts before pulling away, careful not to wake him, and leaving to empty Sebastian's fancy liquor cabinet.
Kurt was gone when he woke up.
Every day is the worst, now.
No matter what he does, he can't escape Sebastian's anger. If he's good, Sebastian likes to bring up Kurt, dangling him like candy in front of Blaine's face. If he's slipped up somehow, Sebastian just laughs before crumpling him up like paper and tossing him over his shoulder.
But there are the moments afterwards, the ones that keep Blaine breathing, that fix everything. With screwy homemade stitches, sure, but at least he's not broken.
"Forever, baby, I'll love you forever."
Maybe better than anything, Blaine remembers kissing Kurt. Three years older than him, Kurt had just graduated college and was off to work on Broadway, and Blaine was just so caught up in being proud of him that he couldn't help himself. It was messy and sweet, a lot like a first first kiss. Static electricity and sparks that caught fire in his hands.
Before he drove away, the last time he'd ever actually see the other man, he swore, he heard Kurt's tears hit the floor.
"W-we're moving? I thought you loved New York."
Sebastian's smile stopped moving him a long, long time ago. "I do, but I need a change of scenery, you know? I'm sick of all these wash-ups thinking they're better than me. I'm tired of it, babe."
"Even though…even though I like it here?" He knows this is considered crossing the line, but being here meant he was close to Kurt, even if they didn't see each other anymore.
Anywhere else means a lifetime of Sebastian grinding him to dust beneath his heel.
He's not surprised when he falls asleep with ice on his shoulder, barely stopping the pulses of pain beneath a thin layer of skin.
He remembers holding the phone in his hand while it was bombarded with calls and texts, almost all from the same person. Kurt. He remembers watching Sebastian while he moved around the house, so fluid and perfect and, honestly, Blaine's heart still ached like it used to while they were younger, but things were so different that it didn't feel the same, anymore. He remembers typing out "Help me," and not being able to send it because he was a coward, always would be. He remembers making himself believe, not for the first time, that his love for Sebastian was stronger than it actually was.
Sebastian is sitting beside him in the car, and they're waiting for a red light to flash green. And maybe that's all everything is, anymore - waiting for the world to go from red to green. "What happened to us, Blaine? We used to be so perfect. Everybody used to want what we had."
So much has changed between them, like the shift from black to white, but Blaine can never, ever say such a thing out loud. "I don't know what you're talking about, Seb. Just the other day, Mary told me she was totally envious of the way we were around each other. Said she wanted it like us one day. I think we're just as perfect as we used to be."
Blaine was always best at putting others before himself. Even when they were young and that wasn't something Sebastian wanted from him, Blaine put himself second, sometimes even third.
"You really think so?"
"No, Seb, I know so."
He remembers sneaking away from Sebastian, just for one night, to see Kurt's first show. He remembers sitting all by himself, just in case Sebastian asked him later if he was with anyone and he wouldn't actually have to lie. He remembers the lights dimming down and Kurt's form glowing beneath the sparkle of the stage. Never before had Kurt Hummel been more beautiful, and it brought tears to his eyes. He left early, arranged to have a bouquet of roses sent to the other man, and headed home before Sebastian decided that, this time, he wouldn't let Blaine wake up from that beautiful, endless night.
"I thought we weren't talking, anymore. At least, that's what I got from the six months of silence."
When Kurt answers the phone, the world stands still – waits for Blaine to make the first move. "I-I just needed to hear your voice again. It's been too long."
For a moment, he doesn't think Kurt's going to answer, but they're always falling too far into each other like that. "Let's go get coffee again, Blaine. Shopping, lunch, something. I need to be around you again. I need my best friend."
Thank god Sebastian's far away from him right now. When he cries, his boyfriend gets twice as angry. "Kurt…Kurt, I, uh…"
"Are you crying? Blaine, you need to tell me what's going on…"
"Kurt, I'm in California right now. I moved. Sebastian, he didn't like it in New York, so we left and, uh, I really miss you Kurt. I hate knowing that there's so much space between us, that I'm missing everything you're doing…"
Silence. The soft, tearing sound of static as it separates them. "What about what you want, Blaine? Why does that never matter?" His voice could rip a heart to shreds.
"Kurt…"
"I'm coming to get you."
"No! Kurt, that's…you don't even…he won't…" The earth is always spinning, keeping in tune with the universe, but now it's bordering on out of control.
"Something's going on with him, Blaine, and I'm not letting it happen anymore. I'm sick of you running away from me just because this asshole's got you on a leash."
"Kurt, please – "
"I'm coming to California, Blaine, and I'm calling you when I get there. I'm bringing you home."
"Kurt! Stop, don't do this, please!"
Things are moving so fast.
He's met by the finalization of the dial tone.
Blaine remembers the day Kurt's letter came in the mail. Sebastian was the first to find it, and he'll never forget the sad, lonely image his boyfriend made while sitting on the couch with it, unopened, in his lap. It wasn't the first time Sebastian hit him, far from it, in fact, but it probably hurt the worst. Not because he hit any harder or kicked with anymore accuracy, but because Blaine knew, then, just how broken Sebastian was. Years of his love would never be enough to thaw the ice that was Sebastian Smythe; nothing could fix him at that point.
"Are you happy here, Blaine?"
"Yes."
"Do you want to stay forever? With me?"
"Of course."
"Good, then you'll marry me."
The world starts to move fast, too fast, always too fast. "Yes, Sebastian, I'll marry you."
He remembers staying awake while Sebastian slept, curled tight against Blaine's side like he was all the world had left to offer. He remembers how hard it hurt to remember, how guilty he felt every time memories of better times called to him, sang to him. Because even being with the Sebastian in the past felt like cheating on the Sebastian in the present.
"Give me your address, Blaine."
"Who the hell is on the phone, Blaine? Why did I even let you answer…?"
"BLAINE, GOD DAMNIT! IF YOU DON'T LET ME HELP YOU – "
The phone is ripped from his hand and thrown at the nearest wall. Sebastian hits him so hard he sees stars. "I always knew you were a whore! Trying to run away, huh? You think it'll be that easy?"
The old Sebastian is kissing him to sleep, smiling sweetly and sweeping the hair from his eyes. "Wanna hear a story, Blaine? Before you fall asleep, I mean. It's about a prince…"
Sebastian kicks him hard in the side, harder than ever before, maybe, and something snaps.
"This prince that is really, really lonely. He can't find love because nobody can stand him. I mean, he's, like, a really big asshole. One day, though, he stumbles across this super handsome boy in the village that his family rules…"
There's blood trickling from his nose, his mouth, making a messy pool on the carpet. Just another reason he deserves this, what with him making messes and all.
"They become friends somehow, even though the prince never usually bothered with the 'common folk'. He just can't get over how perfect this boy is, regardless of how poor he may be. And even though he's the biggest jerk on the face of the planet, the boy falls for the prince…"
One swift kick to the head, so hard that he feels it even as the lights start to dim.
"And they fall in love, Blaine, they do. And even when it's hard, they find a way to fix things, because they're meant for each other, always would be. Forever."
He remembers a love that he never, ever wants to forget.
And it's not Sebastian's.
Because even when things were good, they were falling apart, only slowly.
Through the darkness, something calls to him.
"Blaine, wake up, okay? Somebody's coming for you, but you have to wake up, okay? You can't…you can't leave me! I finally found you, Blaine. I love you, okay? I love you I love you I love you…"
He smiles.
Kurt. Kurt came for me.
"God, that bastard. Why didn't you tell me? I could have…I…You have to wake up, now. You have to."
Blaine remembers the bruises blooming across his skin, easily hidden and effortlessly excused when they couldn't be. He remembers the web of lies colored black and blue, like reminders that the past was dead and gone – dust in the wind. He remembers sweeping his fingers over cuts and flinching at the sting before smiling a little hysterically at his own reflection. He remembers wishing he was dead, longing for the day when Sebastian would aim just a little too high, ending it all with just the heel of his expensive shoes.
Somebody's holding him now, pressing him close against the solid pulse of a heartbeat.
"Just stay with me, Blaine. Just stay with me and I'll take care of you. I'll make sure he never touches you ever, ever again."
He remembers waking up in an unfamiliar room, blinded by white. He remembers mumbling questions at nurses, who stared at him in a kind of pretty confusion. He remembers Cooper shoving past doctors, his parents close behind. He remembers talk of how Sebastian was caught somewhere in New Mexico, and how they wouldn't be hearing from him for a long, long time.
He remembers seeing Kurt, standing behind them all like he didn't belong, even though he was the only person Blaine really wanted to see.
He remembers what it felt like to break the surface, to really breathe again.
"You mean it's…it's really over?"
Kurt looks down at him and nods, wiping at his own tears as he smooths the curls from Blaine's forehead. "Yeah, sweetie, it's over."
"How'd you even find me?"
"I guess I just know all the right people. A little digging and I snagged your address from a friend of Sebastian's." His eyes harden a little at the name, but Blaine grabs his hands and it's all going to be okay, now, isn't it?
"So…where does this leave us?"
Kurt's eyes are the ocean, but he doesn't drown in them like he did Sebastian's. "You can come with me, if you'd like. Back to New York. We can…"
"You'd really want to stay with me?"
He looks down and blushes, and it's the most beautiful thing Blaine's ever seen. "I love you, Blaine, and I'm not leaving this god awful state without you. Whatever you want, I'm willing to give."
This time, the world's moving, but slow enough that he can keep up.
"Let's go back to New York."
AN: Please don't hate me I mean it's kind of happy:P