When I see you in the hall, I swear my heart stops. Even if you don't see me, even if you don't take the time to do something as little as say 'hi', I feel this enormous rush of something in my chest. I don't even know what it is; I just can't seem to breathe properly, can barely talk, can't think about anything but you standing two yards away from me. I try not to look at you, but it's so fucking hard! My eyes jet from you to whoever I'm talking to, or to find somebody to walk with so I don't look like a friendless loser in front of you. Then, when I know that you've passed me and there's no chance at seeing you again, I realize that my heart rate has nearly doubled in speed.
But that's nothing compared to when we're talking. I feel like I'm on top of the world—like I'm in a daydream and none of this is real, but I don't want it to stop. I feel like I constantly have to prove myself to you, even if you're already laughing at a joke I just made. It's hard, but I manage somehow.
Then, when some other person steals your attention, I get insanely jealous. You can't tell directly, but it's like my whole temperament suddenly switches from sunny yellow and floating to icy cold and sinking fast. It doesn't even have to be a girl—if one of your friends starts talking to you and you completely forget that I'm there, I wanna scream, "Why do you care about some fucking wanker more than you care about me? Listen to me, for fucks sake!" But I don't, because I have to appear cool no matter what. If a girl so much as laugh at one of your jokes, I instantly think, "I hate her." I despise girls that are closer to you than I am. But instead of ripping her hair out, I give both of you the not-quite-cold-but-still-slightly- chilly shoulder, because that's so much easier than wearing my heart on my sleeve.
But you still don't have a clue, do you? You still ignore me in the hall, I'm still the one that has to say 'hi' first in class, and your friends still matter more to you than I do. Sometimes I go for a whole week without saying anything to you—and it's the worst week of my life. It's those weeks that I binge like a fat man on Thanksgiving, and then feel even worse than before. Then there are those special days when I actually talk to you. On those days, I feel so happy that I eat like a fat man on Christmas—but for some odd reason, it's the happy days that I don't feel any after-effect from the food. Then on those days where we have a weak little conversation that you probably forget about fifteen seconds after it ends, I feel half-empty, like something was missing that day.
Today is one of those days, and I know you will never read this, but I had to get it off my chest. It's not good to keep these things inside the way I do, you know?
Sometimes I wish I could just risk it all and tell you how I obsess over you, but that's not the kind of person I am. I'm gonna keep this as a way to remember you and what you do to me until we see each other again. No matter how long that'll be… Then, when our paths cross again, you and I will look at each other and something will happen. I don't know if this whole love thing will happen all over again or if I'll see you in a new way and wonder how I could ever adore you the way I did. Who knows? Maybe when you see me again, you'll be the one whose heart stops, and I'll be the one that walks by without feeling a thing…