Okay guys... my first fanfiction in a long time. Please be nice, it's a one-shot that has been nagging to be told since I read New Moon two years ago.

R&R

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My eyes throbbed to the pulsing beat of my heart; Stupid heart. My bed, that was suppose to feel warm and welcoming, felt nothing but cold and foreign. Cold and foreign… the way my heart feels every second of everyday.

When the love of your life is ripped away from you, due to circumstances beyond your control, it is easy to move on and let the wounds heal but when your love leaves of their own choice? The hole never heals and you never quite come back.

When Edward left, I felt like he took me with him. Everyone around me could see that I was here physically… but mentally? I was long gone.

I relived every moment, every second I had ever spent with him. The memories looping over and over again, I agonized at what I had done wrong.

I couldn't bring myself to regret meeting, or falling in love with Edward. His love had brought me more happiness than I had ever though possible. More love, maybe, than I had ever deserved.

My knees tucked under my chin, my thin weak arms wrapped around them. I couldn't stand it; the hole ate away at my chest. I felt like I had been sleep for a thousand years, never to awake. I didn't feel meaningless; to feel meaningless requires you to be able to feel. I pushed myself off my bed, and how I got to the bathroom I'll never know.

My feeble hands gripped the porcelain as I stared at the pitiful reflection in front of me. My once healthy skin was now sallow and gray. My defeated brown eyes sunk into my face, like a sinkhole. I knew I looked like hell. Skinny and weak from anorexia, tired and irritable from depression. The worst part was I couldn't even suffer in silence. Everyone in town knew that it was Edward that had caused this, but really? He hadn't.

This was my fault. My stuff. If I had just tried harder, maybe if I had just ignored him from the very beginning. No. I couldn't regret. So I decided then and there that this was it. My fingers trembled as I clumsily pulled open the medicine cabinet. I laid the razor and the bottle of Charlie's Vicodin in the sink and stared back into my reflection.

I wanted Edward to come back, but I couldn't make bring myself to wish it. If you've ever dropped a glass plate, a beautiful china plate even, if you've seen it drop scatter into a million tiny pieces, you know it can never be whole again. You can prick your fingers on the little pieces and you can spend your life putting back together the pieces, but then you have to face reality that there are some pieces that are gone forever; pieces you'll never get back at all. The plate will always be broken and never work quite like it used to. I couldn't bear the thought of being broken anymore.

Emotional pain is so much worse than physical pain. Physical pain bruises and aches, but can be taken away with just the small dose of medicine or a heating pad. Emotional pain, however, can hurt forever. A clean break is easier. You can reset it, and it heals, and you move on, but if you leave things messy, or things don't get put right, then it just hurts, forever. My break with Edward never healed correctly. The bones mangled and twisted around my heart, and it has always hurt. I've spent a lifetime looking for the truth behind our break up and I realize the truth; I have become the lie. Our relationship just had too many secrets. Maybe some secrets should just stay secret.

It has been said that life happens while you are making other plans, but what becomes of those who have no plans? Of those of us who are stuck in the past? The answer? We never entirely move forward. Our bodies sluggishly drag day to day to day but our mind stays there, where we lost all hope.

My mind, my soul, is still back in the mouth of the forest where I last saw Edward and for as many times as I've wandered back to that spot trying to force my soul back in it just won't. My soul is too big for my shrinking heart.

I reached into the sink and bravely unscrewed the top, tilted the bottle over my open mouth and forced all sixteen down dry. My throat burned and I leaned against the cool porcelain, reaching in and clutching the tiny pink razor.

My eyes ached.

When you love someone, you do everything to keep him or her in your grasp.

I placed the razor above my damp skin.

But when the person leaves of his or her own free will.

I press the razor down with eyes clenched shut.

You are never quite whole again.

I drew a line in my skin. Painting my arm with the color of red.

If you don't set things right.

My head felt woozy and faint and my body crumpled against the cool wall opposite of the sink. It did nothing to cool my sweating back.

Or things stay messy and broken.

My eyesight faded, I didn't hear Edwards voice.

Then it just hurts.

I didn't hear Edward's sweet voice. He had stopped caring. And I? I had stopped breathing.

Forever.