Disclaimer: Don't own them, if I did then things would have gone differently for sure.
This is set a little after The Price episode with my own little twist.
I would like to give out a big thank you to all who have showed their support throughout my crazy stories. Your constant support is greatly appreciated and just makes me all warm and fuzzy on the inside at seeing your reactions to it, the guest ones and the regular reviewers! :)))))))))
So thank you from the bottom of my heart Mareritt, Alexandra, Darkchakram, XWPmnk and a very special thank you to Xentrya for putting up with all of my crap! :))))))) One day those demons might be tamed but for now they are running free! :))))
Chapter 1
She could still smell it even though she was miles away, the burning funeral pyres were still there and the scent seemed to have been seared into her nostrils, there was just no escaping it. Xena pushed Argo harder, trying desperately to get away from it but she couldn't and that only reminded her of all the other things she had done. The screams of the dying men, the ones who had foolishly placed their faith in her while all she did was end up getting them killed. She was no leader, not when all that she was able to do was bring death wherever she went- though she only did what it took for her and her troops to survive. How many people died in the process didn't really matter to her as long as it ensured her victory. Lands, homes, and families destroyed all because of her sick and twisted vision that was the only way to ease that pain that she felt within herself.
But that last battle, it brought forth to light that maybe that old Xena wasn't as dead as she thought she was. The hunger was still there, that was something that she still fought with every day to try and keep at bay and that carnage had only fueled it until it had grown wildly out of control. Attempting to keep the memories away, the Warrior Princess tried to keep Argo moving, but as the night grew, the horse only wanted to rest. She had been pushing the mare hard for the past two days, barely stopping to give either one of them a rest.
Surging her own, Xena steered her further into the forest, searching for something but what exactly it was, she herself couldn't tell for sure. Several more hours had passed with Argo giving out her protest of continuing on this journey more than a few times until they had gone so deep into the woods that Xena was absolutely certain no one would ever find them. She finally stopped, only to let her horse rest for a while and planning to be on the road again very soon. She soon set up camp, only the basics- not even bothering to get herself something to eat. How could she, when her mind was plagued with the guilt of all that she had done? Her stomach was in knots and trying to force anything down would only end with it coming right back up.
So instead, she just sat in front of her campfire, staring blankly into it. Everything just kept flowing through her mind, the way she took over that battlement, the eagerness with which she ruthlessly planned on taking out the Horde with that small army, knowing that it wasn't going to be easy and that most likely a lot of unnecessary blood shed was going to be unavoidable. Apart of that, she had also hurt a friendship in the process.
"What is going on with you?" Gabrielle asked, completely shocked by the actions her friend was now taking.
"I'm trying to save our skins. Those things outside will kill us all."
"This is insane! You are letting these men die! You axed that man in the back!" she shouted, trying to get the Warrior Princess to see that the path she was heading down was wrong.
"He was inside our battlements. He saw our defenses! I couldn't risk it."
"I can't believe this, Xena. You're scaring me."
This was obviously a side of the Warrior Princess that the Bard had never seen before and it surprised her how easily the darkness had consumed her friend.
"This is war!" she bit out aggressively, "What did you expect… glamor?! There are no good choices… only lesser degrees of evil."
"There is always a choice… stop fighting!"
"You don't understand, Gabrielle…they aren't like us. There is nothing about them that we can or should understand." Xena sneered out, beginning to become irritated with the whole conversation, why couldn't she just see that there was no other way for this to end?
"But, have you even tried?" she tried to reason with her, attempting to get through to Xena somehow.
"I know them… there's nothing!"
The conversation echoed in her head ever since the battle was over, and that look on Gabrielle's face… a look that she had seen many times before throughout her past. The complete disgust that was in her friend's eyes haunted her still and was something that she wished she would never see in them again. The Warrior Princess couldn't believe how easy it was for her to slip back into her old ways. But it was just so addictive and hearing those men chanting her name… it sent shivers down her spine still and she relished in it. Her eyes drifted shut for a moment while the sweet chant of their voices resonated inside her head once again.
"Xena, Xena, Xena, Xena…"
A satisfied grin soon began to form on her face as images started to slowly accompany the sounds. Her leading an army again, the men shouting her name out in battle, the rush, the thrill, the danger, the overwhelming exhilarating feeling of the fight and the pure power of it all….Truth be told, she had it all at her fingertips. She trembled slightly from the sensation, her heart beating maddeningly fast against her chest from it. She felt so free, undeterred from the scrutiny of it all and she let the feeling wash over her like a lovers caress. It had been so long since she had felt like that- actually not as long as she was willing to admit to herself -and that lingering presence that came around that made her sense all of those things at once, she had constantly denied it. But now that she was confined in the sanctuary of her own little campground, where no prying or disapproving eyes could judge her, she let the feeling shower over her again.
She had missed it but yet there was still something absent from it, a certain divine presence that she was viciously suppressing in her mind of what it was that had made everything fall into perspective. The Warrior Princess immediately tried to push the thought from her mind and by her doing so another image soon formed in her head. One that was not as appealing and a pair of sickened eyes flashed in her mind, the look of utter repulsion for the actions that she had taken to ensure their survival littered what she thought was her friend's face. The same friend who at one time said that there was nothing that she could ever do that would make her think any different of her. But clearly that statement was nothing but a lie, although she couldn't entirely blame her, Gabrielle just didn't understand, no one did and that's why she had left her in Athens, she needed a chance to clear her head and silence was her most welcomed friend… the things she had to do to survive, the bloodshed, the destruction… it all flowed freely at once through her mind.
She was never going to be able to escape her past- she knew that very well now- and no matter what she did, how straight the arrow she walked and all the good deeds, it was never going to make up for all of the bad things she had done. She was a monster, a ticking time bomb that was just waiting to explode and those who just happened to be in her way when it occurred… the thought made her shudder and but a few seconds later, she felt moisture on her cheeks. She reached up and touched her face and she felt the tears against her skin- she didn't even realize that she had started crying. Once they started there was no stopping them though and they flowed freely down her cheeks. She didn't deserve to live, not given all the things she had done and that were weighing heavily on her mind at this point- not to mention all the things that she was still capable of doing…The idea itself frightened her beyond words. It alarmed her greatly at how easy it was for her to fall right back into that ruthless warlord that she had been and her sobs started racking her body more violently.
All that time, standing just a few feet away from her were a pair of inquiring brown eyes. It surprised him a little that Xena had yet to take notice of his presence- usually, by this point she would have already run him off but what shocked him even more was seeing his Princess bursting abruptly into tears. The War God was completely panicked by her sudden eruption of emotions, especially because he wasn't entirely convinced that she didn't know that he was there- she always knew it- and each sob that fell from her lips and drifted up to his ears made his chest constrict savagely.
Now normally, he would have went straight into his usual speech of how she shouldn't let her emotions control her actions and that she should have lashed out at the ones wronged her, but this time, he could see clearly just how much the events of the last few days had really taken their toll on her. He forgot sometimes that she wasn't made of stone and that this world can be a cruel and unforgiving one and it could swallow you up within a heartbeat and Ares knew all too well her trials and tribulations. His sweet, precious Princess… he had never understood why she allowed those pathetic mortals thoughts affect her the way she did. He could feel her despair and it angered him to think that those worthless opinions had upset his Warrior Princess that much, throwing her in the state that she was now in.
They should be grateful, especially that irritating blonde, if it hadn't been for his precious Xena, they would have all been killed by the Horde. Yes, he had been watching the battle the whole time and as always, he was extremely proud of her and the way that she took charge, taking all the necessary steps to defend that hopeless battlement that was just one move away from collapsing under the threat that lingered outside. While all of them had been too brainless to set up the essential defenses that needed to be taken to fend off the danger- not that he was too surprised at their lack of war tactics, they were his sister's troops after all- Xena had flawlessly executed everything. He wanted to kill every last person that had something to do with his Princess' current desolation, starting with that ungrateful bitch of a blonde who should have been kissing the ground she walked on with how many times Xena had saved her pathetic life. But first, he had something that was far more important to take care of and that was in desperate need of his attention.
With his perception on what it was that he had to do, Ares began to make his way over to his falling apart Princess and sat down beside her on the log, already expecting her to rebuff him. Ever since she started on this whole redemption path, she acted like what they had shared before meant nothing to her. He immediately noticed how she had stiffened a little with his close proximity but she did not shift away from him and her crying started to die down a little. He took that as an extremely good sign that maybe she was not going to fight him for once. The War God could feel her calling out to him, silently longing for his essence and the soft sniffles that still escaped from her mouth, even though she was trying her hardest to keep herself together and not cry in front of him, could pierce his impenetrable heart like nothing else in this world could. His Princess was the only person who could affect him so deeply and when she was hurt, his protectiveness towards her was immeasurable and he was like a rabid dog when it came to ensuring that she was sheltered when she was broken.
"Sweetheart…" he began on the most caring tone, bringing his hand up and softly brushing back her hair before tenderly running his fingers down her cheek, "… sshh, don't cry darling… don't cry…" he whispered softly into her ear, gently taking a hold of her chin and turning her face towards his own so he could finally look into her gorgeous sapphire eyes that she had been stubbornly keeping from him all this time.
Despite that her every instinct told her that she should push him away, that he was the enemy and he should not be here with her – especially now that she was in this weakened state, she couldn't help it. And yes, it was unthinkable to turn to him- she couldn't do that, not any more- but his eyes, they quickly snuffed out every thought of distancing herself from him the moment hers had connected with his warm auburn ones. There was no judgment in them, not a single ounce of repugnance, for he had seen her at her worst and regardless of all that she had done, even to him, those brown orbs of his still looked at her as if she was still the most precious thing in the world to him. His eyes shined brightly with complete understanding. She hated that he knew her, perhaps even better then she knew herself really and when he looked at her like that, no hate, just acceptance, it only chipped away her resolve even more and brought forth the fact that she had been denying her feelings for him for years since she left him. She still needed him but she was vainly trying to fight against it at that moment.
When he moved his hand to her face again, she leaned slightly out of his reach, not wanting him to touch her but yet at the same time desperately wanting to feel his tender caress like she had felt so many times in the past. Her eyes drifted shut for a moment when his fingers made contact with her skin, it was so soothing and she leaned into it more to try and keep it from ending. But the protective kiss that he placed against her forehead was her undoing, and though she had effectively kept herself together all of that time, succeeding in holding back those tears, feeling that warm touch was too much for her.
Her eyes slowly opened again from the feeling and for a moment she held his compassionate auburn ones. The tears welled up in her eyes again and before she knew it or before she even thought to try and stop herself, Xena suddenly launched herself into his arms and was now sobbing into his chest like a frightened little girl. Automatically, she was instantly encased in his arms, being crushed to his chest as if he were trying to make her a part of him while his arms snaked around her now shaking form to hold her firmly against himself.
Feeling the War God surround her like that had made her own arms encircle around him and she was now holding on to him as if he were the only thing that was keeping her from falling completely into her despair. In return, his grip only became tighter, softly rocking her a little to try and calm her down, whispering little endearments into her ear and gently showering the side of her head with urgent, loving kisses but still, despite all of his efforts, those actions only seemed to have the opposite effect of the one he wanted and only made her cry harder against him, soaking his chest with her tears.
"Ssshhh, Princess…" her sobs were doing quite the number on him and his own agony at seeing her like that was unbearable, "…. Let me take you away from here…" he whispered softly against her ear while continuing with his crucial efforts to calm her down while he kept on placing loving kisses against every spot that his lips had the ability to touch.
In response, Xena only seemed to cry louder, her grip around him tightening so much that the War God couldn't have left her embrace even if he had wanted to. A few seconds later though, Ares felt his fragile Princess faintly nod her head in agreement against his chest before she once again buried her face into the crook of his neck, as if she wanted to just hide in the shelter of his embrace forever. With the most loving of movements, Ares gently shifted Xena so she was now sitting in his lap and he wrapped his arms around her tightly, eliminating even the smallest amount of space between them- even though they couldn't get any closer- and as he placed yet another affectionate kiss against what he held most dear in his life, a blue light started to softly form all around them and their grips around one another tightened while they left her secluded campground.